Not wanting fertility tests

[CaitlyntheCactus]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6 years, TTC for 3. We are both 33.

Prior to getting engaged we had the usual conversations about kids etc. DH wants 2, I wanted 1, may be 2 depending on how it goes but essentially was just happy to see how things went. I made it clear that I wasn’t someone who wanted to be a parent, whatever the cost. We have a number of friends who have chosen to adopt so alternative ways of becoming parents was also discussed – DH wanted biological children, I was less fussed, but I was very clear that I did not want and would not have fertility treatment.

After 3 years of TTC I have never once POAS. There has been not so much as a hint of a pregnancy. After about 6 months, DH suggested we may be speak to the GP but I was clear I didn’t want to. He’s raised the idea a couple of times since and I have always refused. Last time I suggested he go to the GP, which he did but other than a general check up they refused further testing or referrals unless I would go as well.

I have an underactive thyroid which is appropriately medicated. Last time I had my annual blood test I told them we were TTC and so they did the free T3 etc tests and all came back within optimal range, I did have the details and confirmed that online and was confident everything was where it should be.

DH thinks “they’re only tests” but my argument is that tests lead to treatment – if it discovers I’m not ovulating there’s a pill for that. A pill a will refuse to take. So what is the point of having tests to discover something I am not prepared to do anything about? I think it’s a waste of my time and a waste of NHS resources (these are my own feelings and in no way a reflection of my feeling of others choices).

It all came to a head last night and I have told DH that if he wants children he needs to find someone else – I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, but I think at this point we have to accept it won’t happen naturally for us and for me that is the end of it.

I was considering suggesting that we seek private support to get DH tested so we can be sure the issue doesn’t lie with him?

I’m just very clear I won’t take drugs to get pregnant – other than my thyroxine I haven’t taken any medication in close to 15 years (I’ve had all my vaccines including COVID). I’ve never taken hormonal birth control. I simply do not see the need for most things and I don’t want to start down a path. I think it would be really easy to have some tests, try some medication for a month, just another month and before you know it I’m injecting myself with hormones and such (yes I appreciate there are many many steps between the 2!).

I’ve spent time reading the fertility boards here and I just don’t want that for me. I don’t recognise myself in those women, I don’t want that to happen to my relationship – but I guess it is ayway.

Argh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to cut him free don’t I?

CharlotteRose90

I DO want children. I just don't feel they need to be biologically mine to be mine. And I will do something - I've done lots of things already as I have said and I would adopt.

Urghhhhh because I don't feel it is necessary. I don't want a baby - I want children, I want to be a mother. Do you feel I should go though every possible option before adoption? Do only really want to be a mother if I'll put myself through anything and everything to get there when there are other options?

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I feel like there is something unstated going on here, perhaps a phobia of medical treatment or a fear of childbirth or parenthood.

No. I have no fear of medical procedures - I have regular smear tests and blood tests for my thyroid. I'm vaccinated where needed. I have no fear of childbirth - I'm not exactly relishing the idea, but baby has to get out somehow and people say the pain is worth it.

I've no fear of parenthood, if I did I wouldn't have had 3 years of unprotected sex, OPKS, temping and smooshing mucus between my fingers!

I also can't truly understand why you wouldn't take Clomid even for one cycle to attempt a baby (assuming a situation a Dr said 'hey try one round of clomid we really think it will help'

What I find rather odd is that you are willing to adopt (wonderful!) and adoption as uou well know is a super stressful invasive procedure that can take years before you'd be a mother.

I do see a difference between trying Clomid for a few cycles and IVF. IVF is more invasive (egg retrieval under general anaesthetic for example) but I don't truly understand your stubbornness regarding any medical intervention. Your life would be easier (I'd not understand anyone who would disagree with me on this point) if you conceived your own children. So unless for ethical reasons adoption is truly deeply more favourable I don't understand why you wouldn't be open to Clomid as a specific example.

SoddingWeddings

Sorry to hear that. Do you regret not doing IVF?

@SoddingWeddings I'm sorry to hear your experience.

The similarity with you and OP is agreeing not to do invasive IVF / ICSI. The difference is that OP wouldn't want to try Clomid or anything in tablet form that may help her get pregnant.

My dh was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma and we were told the treatment would leave him infertile. He dragged himself to the hospital before starting treatment to have sperm samples frozen on numerous occasions, whilst very unwell, putting himself under terrible stress, even though I told him not to bother. My main aim was for him to start chemo and get well. I was also offered the opportunity to go on the ivf waiting list but declined. I had a close friend who'd undergone the procedure numerous times and I just couldn't see myself undergoing that. I desperately wanted to be a mother but really was not bothered about carrying a baby myself or the child being biologically related to us, something that some people found hard to understand. We eventually adopted our ds and I feel just as much of a mother as anyone whose given birth and I have no regrets at not pursuing fertility treatment at all.

I don't think there's a right answer TBH. I can see how your husband feels and I can see how you feel; I do get why you worry you could end up on a slippery slope to lots of invasive treatment, because obviously that does happen to some people. And I absolutely understand anyone who has reservations about the way women are treated by the fertility industry - there is an awful tendency to shunt women into invasive tests and to presume that all women want babies at any cost.

I did just want to say - there are tests that are not invasive or drug-related, that could be done. You've done OPKs; you could have blood tests during your cycle too. I only know about these because my GP included them in a health MOT he did for me because I have fertility issues. It was just two blood draws about two weeks apart. I really mention this only because, if your GP is adamant your DH can't have sperm testing without you having some kind of test, might it be possible to suggest a very basic blood test like this?

@1940s exactly my point. What belief could be so deeply had as to prevent her from even considering such an easy fix? It's not risky, not invasive, not time consuming. Yet she won't do it.

*deeply held

OP, I could have written your post, but I’m not so far in the process. I’d like to have kids but not to the extent that I would undergo medical treatment in order to do so. I’ve had anxiety in the past and know treatment could leave to further mental health problems/ obsessing. I’d also rather adopt than start IVF.

I think you’ve been really clear about what your boundaries are. There is no point getting tested if you’re not willing to undergo the treatment. It’s now up to your DH to make a decision about whether he’s happy to consider adoption/ not having children.

@CaitlyntheCactus no. I regret that the adoption agency claimed to be disability friendly then promptly binned us without further information.

I think you're getting a rough ride from people who need to look at their own reasons for having or not having children and remember their decisions were their own as well.

Would I have taken Clomid alone if that's all I needed? Probably, but I took hormonal contraception for 15yrs until I was no longer allowed it (fucking migraine again) so I'm less averse to medication like that. I certainly don't judge you for your choices and more than I judge someone who chooses not to go through treatments for cancer in the hope they'll work but at the cost of quality of life.

I'm not sure why some people are being such twats about something that doesn't affect them.

You can also consider surrogacy with a donor egg which solves the problem for both you and your DH, you don’t need to go through any medical procedures at all and the baby can still be your DH’s biological child, a win win for you both, however the only downside is it is very expensive and you need to go abroad, costs is equivalent to around 5 rounds of IVF? If you are very rich then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

One of my friends he decided to have a baby alone and used a surrogate in the US, it cost him £100k, however it was a simple process, all they needed was his sperm that was it and he returned to collect the baby 9 months later, baby was healthy and good looking because he was able to choose the donor egg.

Also time is less of an issue for men, they can still father kids well into their 50s and 60s, unlike women’s biological clock, if you both really want to go for the surrogacy option, you can still wait another 10 years if you want to try a bit longer naturally or save up.

@Mauhhq

You can also consider surrogacy with a donor egg which solves the problem for both you and your DH, you don’t need to go through any medical procedures at all and the baby can still be your DH’s biological child, a win win for you both, however the only downside is it is very expensive and you need to go abroad, costs is equivalent to around 5 rounds of IVF? If you are very rich then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

One of my friends he decided to have a baby alone and used a surrogate in the US, it cost him £100k, however it was a simple process, all they needed was his sperm that was it and he returned to collect the baby 9 months later, baby was healthy and good looking because he was able to choose the donor egg.

Also time is less of an issue for men, they can still father kids well into their 50s and 60s, unlike women’s biological clock, if you both really want to go for the surrogacy option, you can still wait another 10 years if you want to try a bit longer naturally or save up.

I'd find it horrifically selfish if OP (no indication that she would!!) would pay for another woman to carry a baby and give birth, and ask another woman to donate an egg (most commonly done by women needing to cut the cost of their own fertility costs) RATHER than take Clomid for a cycle or two. It's a crazy suggestion

@Mauhhq

You can also consider surrogacy with a donor egg which solves the problem for both you and your DH, you don’t need to go through any medical procedures at all and the baby can still be your DH’s biological child, a win win for you both, however the only downside is it is very expensive and you need to go abroad, costs is equivalent to around 5 rounds of IVF? If you are very rich then it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

One of my friends he decided to have a baby alone and used a surrogate in the US, it cost him £100k, however it was a simple process, all they needed was his sperm that was it and he returned to collect the baby 9 months later, baby was healthy and good looking because he was able to choose the donor egg.

Also time is less of an issue for men, they can still father kids well into their 50s and 60s, unlike women’s biological clock, if you both really want to go for the surrogacy option, you can still wait another 10 years if you want to try a bit longer naturally or save up.

A simple process... a woman did carry and give birth to that child and that child will never know their Mother. At least it's good looking hey

Seconded. How incredibly selfish and entitled to consider that.

OP I'm curious: if our bodies are working as they should, they should be fertile. An infertile, or sub-fertile body, has a health issue. So... is it only health issues that have an effect that is noticeable you will treat? I'm not trying to trip you up, its just my mother, for example, takes cholesterol meds even though her cholesterol isn't super high to the extent its causing issues, but her GP reckons it will be good for her long-term health and means everything is working optimally. In that circumstance, would you take the meds?

Your body is giving you an indication something is off with either you or your DH. The idea you wouldn't investigate what it is - though you are doing initial tests - seems odd to me. I know some people who subscribe to a fatalistic 'it will be if its meant to be' mentality. For us, I've had tests, but it just seems to take a while to get pregnant. Did accupunture, did all the vitamins, nothing more invasive and was lucky enough to get there just by sex every second day but having read lots of books I really do feel like our fertility is a closed box where everything has to work perfectly and so often the problem is one thing being a little bit off but its really hard to figure out what it is. I'm pretty sure despite positive OPKs I didn't actually ovulate every month. I have no idea what my 'one thing' was and I'm incredibly grateful I didn't need to do anything too invasive for it to work. But from my reading I did feel really frustrated at just how little focus there generally is on how many fertility problems result from how hard it is to identify the issues. And so it seems like such a shame you and your husband might miss out for lack of some fairly basic assistance.

Op- what is your actual tsh? As it needs to be around 1. Which is lower than gps usually treat to.
We hadpcos and very very low soerm count and later hypothroidism.
Is your dp overweight?
We did icsi sucessfully. It is tbh annoying that i may have had to go through that several times and it's possibly impacted by dp weight.
Maybe try turkey baster?
My pcos only had irregular cycles and when went to gp do to lack of pg and short luteal phase i said it was hypothroidism and that gp said pcos (but i didn't really have those symptoms or excess weight (bmi 22). My tsh was probably around 3.5 or so. It was a shock about dp - they test for CYstic fibrosis gene which was negative so no known reason.

Also op having a baby frequently leads to surgery - CS. Or tablets - for gestational diabetes or high bp etc etc.

@leakymcleakleak

OP I'm curious: if our bodies are working as they should, they should be fertile. An infertile, or sub-fertile body, has a health issue. So... is it only health issues that have an effect that is noticeable you will treat? I'm not trying to trip you up, its just my mother, for example, takes cholesterol meds even though her cholesterol isn't super high to the extent its causing issues, but her GP reckons it will be good for her long-term health and means everything is working optimally. In that circumstance, would you take the meds?

Your body is giving you an indication something is off with either you or your DH. The idea you wouldn't investigate what it is - though you are doing initial tests - seems odd to me. I know some people who subscribe to a fatalistic 'it will be if its meant to be' mentality. For us, I've had tests, but it just seems to take a while to get pregnant. Did accupunture, did all the vitamins, nothing more invasive and was lucky enough to get there just by sex every second day but having read lots of books I really do feel like our fertility is a closed box where everything has to work perfectly and so often the problem is one thing being a little bit off but its really hard to figure out what it is. I'm pretty sure despite positive OPKs I didn't actually ovulate every month. I have no idea what my 'one thing' was and I'm incredibly grateful I didn't need to do anything too invasive for it to work. But from my reading I did feel really frustrated at just how little focus there generally is on how many fertility problems result from how hard it is to identify the issues. And so it seems like such a shame you and your husband might miss out for lack of some fairly basic assistance.

That's quite offensive.

OP have you tried eating pineapple core post ovulation? Would recommend you have a Google of pineapple core/ bromelain if not.

It's the only thing I changed the cycle I fell pregnant. Totally natural too.

Just a thought.

@Urghhhhh

Seconded. How incredibly selfish and entitled to consider that.

I'm not considering it.

I very much doubt I have PCOS, I have none of the indicators and it was also discussed (and discounted by the doctor) when I was diagnosed with my underactive thyroid though I could have developed it since, I still have none of the symptoms.

Just to pick up on this, I have PCOS and it was only found during fertility investigations - I have no outward indicators at all. In fact, I have some counter-indications.

I think it’s a good thing that you are having the basic tests. It may be an easy fix, or it may be something significant and you will be able to move on.

To answer some questions:

I have not, and will not consider surrogacy. I actual find it an abomination in all but the most specific of circumstances (e.g. a sister voluntarily carrying a child for her sibling). I also wouldn't expect someone else to go through tests and treatments I myself won't do. And if I feel that it is a waste of medical resources ON MYSELF I'm not going to get them used on a third party.

My TSH is about 1.6 but has been between 0.9 and 2.5 in the time we've been TTC, it's usually on the lower end. I can't remember my free T3 or T4 levels but when I checked they really were where they were supposed to be for TTC.

HSHorror I've already covered pregnancy's related health procedures and medications in a previous response.

leakymcleakleak In your mums situation I would have tried to lower my cholesterol through a strict diet and had regular check ups rather than take medication. If that wasn't working I would consider the medication to prevent longer term health issues but it would be a cost/ risk analysis based on likelihood and severity of risk. As for healthy bodies being fertile - from everything I have read, unless infertility causes MH issues or is caused by symptomatic PCOS or cancerous polyps and tumors there are no negative health issues with being infertile. I'm not taking medications for "optimal health" but to combat negative health issues. So yes, only health issues that cause a detrimental impact.

Anyway, we're off to the clinic shortly. We've been sent a booklet of questionnaires to complete and information on testing. If I'm offered a vaginal scan I think I'll decline today.

DH is not overweight.

Will DH have a blood test? The booklet only mentions sperm analysis for men.