Not wanting fertility tests

[CaitlyntheCactus]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6 years, TTC for 3. We are both 33.

Prior to getting engaged we had the usual conversations about kids etc. DH wants 2, I wanted 1, may be 2 depending on how it goes but essentially was just happy to see how things went. I made it clear that I wasn’t someone who wanted to be a parent, whatever the cost. We have a number of friends who have chosen to adopt so alternative ways of becoming parents was also discussed – DH wanted biological children, I was less fussed, but I was very clear that I did not want and would not have fertility treatment.

After 3 years of TTC I have never once POAS. There has been not so much as a hint of a pregnancy. After about 6 months, DH suggested we may be speak to the GP but I was clear I didn’t want to. He’s raised the idea a couple of times since and I have always refused. Last time I suggested he go to the GP, which he did but other than a general check up they refused further testing or referrals unless I would go as well.

I have an underactive thyroid which is appropriately medicated. Last time I had my annual blood test I told them we were TTC and so they did the free T3 etc tests and all came back within optimal range, I did have the details and confirmed that online and was confident everything was where it should be.

DH thinks “they’re only tests” but my argument is that tests lead to treatment – if it discovers I’m not ovulating there’s a pill for that. A pill a will refuse to take. So what is the point of having tests to discover something I am not prepared to do anything about? I think it’s a waste of my time and a waste of NHS resources (these are my own feelings and in no way a reflection of my feeling of others choices).

It all came to a head last night and I have told DH that if he wants children he needs to find someone else – I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, but I think at this point we have to accept it won’t happen naturally for us and for me that is the end of it.

I was considering suggesting that we seek private support to get DH tested so we can be sure the issue doesn’t lie with him?

I’m just very clear I won’t take drugs to get pregnant – other than my thyroxine I haven’t taken any medication in close to 15 years (I’ve had all my vaccines including COVID). I’ve never taken hormonal birth control. I simply do not see the need for most things and I don’t want to start down a path. I think it would be really easy to have some tests, try some medication for a month, just another month and before you know it I’m injecting myself with hormones and such (yes I appreciate there are many many steps between the 2!).

I’ve spent time reading the fertility boards here and I just don’t want that for me. I don’t recognise myself in those women, I don’t want that to happen to my relationship – but I guess it is ayway.

Argh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to cut him free don’t I?

OP ultimately your body your choice. Would you be open to fertility counselling to explore the ambivalence and resistance and how it fits with the stated desire of wanting a baby? Also, in your line of work you must see the worst of the worst from biological parents. I wonder if it is impacting your feelings about parenthood.
You know this better than I do but adoption is not a certain path, especially where one partner hasn’t given up on dream for bio children.

OP I think you’re being totally reasonable, you don’t want to undergo any fertility treatment, and that’s a totally valid choice for you to make about your own body! I’m infertile, 4 years in, 2 rounds of IVF, a laparoscopy, a D&C for a missed miscarriage, tens of thousands of pounds of debt. It’s shit. And if I didn’t 100% know this was the path I wanted to take, I absolutely would not even consider it. The physical and emotional toll it takes is horrific. For me it’s worth it, for you it’s not, and that is ok!!!

I would definitely strongly recommend counselling to explore your thoughts and your husband’s thoughts on next steps, my husband and I have had individual counselling throughout this process and it has been invaluable.

You have been very clear in your stance on this, you have offered a compromise. Please do not be convinced/encouraged/guilt-tripped into doing anything you don’t want to do!! It’s ok to want a baby and not want to go through fertility treatment. Most people do exactly that!

I know I will have to Don my hard hat here.

But I think OP is being inflexible.

Why will you decline a vaginal scan today? Assuming you've had smear tests before?

Unless there is some traumatic fear or underlying deep issue why not have the scan and the inevitable bloods (usually at least two at two separate points of your cycle) to understand the cause )if you're lucky enough to get a cause, some of us don't) of your infertility.

You're in a happy marriage and I think having a clear picture of your fertile health will help your husband and you make a clear decision.

Why you'd decline a vaginal scan (when you've had smear tests) seems like such an inflexible stance and I'd not be surprised if your husband resented your attitude

I get it OP, in that I really didn’t want treatments either, especially not something invasive like IVF. I did have tests because my husband wanted to try for kids of our own longer and to see if we could find out the problem. I always said that I wasn’t open to IVF and once the tests came back clear, I started looking into adoption because that seemed like the next place to go. I didn’t want to have a medical procedure when there are so many other kids who need homes. I felt strongly about it.

I fell pregnant naturally in the end - the baby is due in November. There’s no right or wrong way to handle this stuff and I really admire your stance on adoption.

Wouldn’t tests give you some closure if nothing else? If you have a scan today it could tell you whether you have diminished ovarian reserve, or lining issues, or fibroids, or adenomyosis etc that might be affecting implantation.

It would at least get you out of that hellish monthly ttc limbo and move the conversation towards adoption?

I haven't read the full thread, so someone might have mentioned this already. But not all fertility treatment involves lots of hormones. There's a thing called "natural ivf" where they perform the IVF on the one egg that you would naturally be producing every cycle, rather than stimulating you to produce lots of eggs with hormone injections.

Also, truly, I did a standard IVF cycle to conceive my eldest. I was early thirties too, and investigations had found nothing obviously wrong. I did do hormone injections, but because of my relative youth and relative health, the levels of hormones needed were quite small. I didn't notice any affects from them at all, and I'm someone who doesn't take the pill or any other hormonal contraception, because in the past the pill has made me feel crazy.

To conceive my second child, I literally had unprotected sex just once. So who knows what was going on with my first, but whatever, we just needed a bit of help from science :-) Maybe you do too?

If on the other hand, you don't really want kids, that's a very sensible thing not to want - they're quite some hassle - so be honest with yourself and DP about that.

Also, this is just anecdote, but the two times I did conceive naturally (had an early miscarriage during the long ttc period before IVF), I coincidentally wasn't eating sugar (for general health reasons). By which I mean, I wasn't eating things that are obviously sugar like cake, sweets, ice-cream etc., but I was still eating fruit and although I was mostly going for wholemeal carbs, I still ate the odd bit of white pasta etc. Basically, it wasn't a terrible sacrifice, so might be worth a go if you do currently eat much sugar.

Maybe this is controversial, but parenting (and especially motherhood) involves a lot of sacrifice. At its most basic, you sacrifice your body for a time, risk damage and permanent injury, and that's before the baby is even born.

Your unwillingness to consider even taking some pills, or seeing if there is a quick fix or even your refusal to have a vaginal scan, makes me wonder if you either really want children, or are ready for them. That you can't think of a positive effect of clomid, when it could give you the child you say you want kind of says it all. Obviously there are some very invasive fertility procedures and it's fine to avoid them, but your attitude towards much more basic investigations and possible quick fixes would really make me question whether you want a child, if I were your husband.

Given that you and your husband seem to be in very different places emotionally about the idea of adopting, it may be a more difficult than usual route, especially if he's still wanting a biological child, or it's making your relationship unstable.

@Moonbabysmum

I agree. To go to a fertility clinic for tests to get a clear picture but to already say 'I won't have a vaginal scan'

There's a decent chance you'd 'need' a vaginal scan in early pregnancy?

I don't understand the logic here

Because there is no logic.

It's like saying I really want a job, but refuse to write a cover letter or go to an interview.

I feel like you are being a bit unreasonable here and in your DHs shoes I’d feel hurt… testing and finding out there is a problem could mean you could move on to adoption (since any fertility treatment is unacceptable to you). Testing and finding everything is fine means it’s worth continuing TTC.

@Urghhhhh

It's like saying I really want a job, but refuse to write a cover letter or go to an interview.

I wouldn't simplify it to that extent... and I can truly see the logic of no IVF. It's invasive, uncomfortable if not painful and is a big hit financially and logistically with time off work.

The logic I can't quite see is the tests / Clomid.

I'm currently undergoing IVF so I'm perhaps bias and I'm probably in the camp of infertile women that would do anything to conceive.

But when you really want a child, as OP has stated then there are minimally invasive medicated routes that could see OP happily pregnant in a few months.

Pregnancy and parenthood requires discomfort, potential medication, potential procedures and this inflexible attitude wouldn't translate into pregnancy very well.

I think OP would benefit from some fertility counselling as I believe OP's view are 'unusual' and there may be some layers needed to be unpicked

Good luck at the clinic.

I get where you're coming from. We were TTC for 2 and a half years. I was very reluctant to undergo ivf or to take any of the serious drugs.

We did the testing and we came out with unexplained infertility. Basically our option was ivf.

I was very reluctant. For me personally (and this is just my opinion) I felt that ivf meant the baby wasn't meant to be and we should embrace a childless life instead.

Our doctor recommended proxeed supplements for us both. They worked. 4 months after starting taking them i got pregnant ... twice.

1940s

I declined the vaginal scan today because I'm on my period. I have smears, but schedule them for when I am not on my period. I'm not saying I won't have it at all - in fact its scheduled in for my next set of blood tests. I said I'd decline it TODAY.

So questionnaires filled, bloods done and semen provided. Height and weight checked etc. Nothing to report so far from todays visit expect they advised me to put on some fat - not weight as my BMI is healthy but my body fat % is a little on the low side. So the donuts are on me today! And I'm reducing my weight training - lower weights and less frequency. They said it probably isn't causing an issue but it's like they wanted to give us something to try. We're waiting for the results now. I have another set of bloods and a scan in about 2 weeks.

@Twizbe

Good luck at the clinic.

I get where you're coming from. We were TTC for 2 and a half years. I was very reluctant to undergo ivf or to take any of the serious drugs.

We did the testing and we came out with unexplained infertility. Basically our option was ivf.

I was very reluctant. For me personally (and this is just my opinion) I felt that ivf meant the baby wasn't meant to be and we should embrace a childless life instead.

Our doctor recommended proxeed supplements for us both. They worked. 4 months after starting taking them i got pregnant ... twice.

I am worried it'll be unexplained. For one I don't like the thought of doing all this for no answers to be found, it feels as though we wouldn't be any better off.

BocolateChiscuits I don't really eat sugar, I've got quite a balanced diet and I'm pretty 'lean'. Though I've just had dessert after a lovely lunch out in Manchester city centre in aid of operation body fat!

Yeah I don't think I'd like the vag probe when bleeding. I had one during pregnancy and it wasn't nice then and I wasn't bleeding! I'm sure they'd have said if it needed to be done at a specific point in your cycle.

Good luck with it all.

@CaitlyntheCactus one quite common factor in infertility or recurrent miscarriages can be an overreactive immune system. That is my one of my issues. I am reluctant to take things but I will trying immunosuppressant medication for two weeks during the 2ww to see if that helps. I know, however, that this issue is affecting my general health. My perspective is that a truly healthy body can conceive. My body is not quite there but fertility treatment has already improved my health (in my case, finding out I have the mthfr mutation and synthetic folic acid is bad for me plus being given thyroxine for high TSH). Appreciate this might not be the case for everyone.

• improved my symptoms

@CaitlyntheCactus unexplained is, I think, the worst. There's nothing 'wrong', there's nothing to 'fix' and there's no closure.

We were lucky and the proxeed worked for us and we didn't need ivf.

I also found speaking with the doctor about IVF helped me to address my concerns and feel able to move forward with it. I'd have liked to try natural cycle IVF but the clinic didn't offer that.

Berkeys yes, they did mention immune issues. I hope it works for you.

Twizbe yeah, now I've started this process I WANT there to be an identifiable issue - fixable or otherwise. I just want an explanation or to know it definitely won't happen so we can consider our options and move on.

DH at least seems happier that we're having tests, though he wasn't happy when I told the doctor my stance on invasive testing and treatments. The Dr said it wasn't that unusual, lots of people just want to close the door to TTC so they can move on. Obviously lots more want to do all they can to get a baby. DH said "we'll see" which I didn't like. I reiterated my stance to him in the car and told him I'm getting frustrated that he clearly isn't listening to me or recognizing how I feel about it. I said to him that I've been really really clear on this and me having tests has not changed that. He admitted that he hadn't really thought about how strongly he would feel if it didn't happen naturally for us and he had sort of assumed that our feelings would grow together as we usually feel the same about things. We did then go on and have nice lunch though. It's just a waiting game now.

@CaitlyntheCactus thanks and good luck to you too. I hope whatever happens you two can communicate through it and find a path through all this that works for you both.

You're completely entitled to feel the way you do. I've had 4 rounds of ICSI and have 1 child as a result. It wasn't fun but it wasn't horrific either and I felt I wanted to try everything.

Just as you don't want to compromise, your DH shouldn't need to either, so I suppose you will just have to wait and see if this brings you together or tears you apart.

Did your initial tests provide any answers or closure in the end? Been thinking of your journey.