Not wanting fertility tests

[CaitlyntheCactus]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6 years, TTC for 3. We are both 33.

Prior to getting engaged we had the usual conversations about kids etc. DH wants 2, I wanted 1, may be 2 depending on how it goes but essentially was just happy to see how things went. I made it clear that I wasn’t someone who wanted to be a parent, whatever the cost. We have a number of friends who have chosen to adopt so alternative ways of becoming parents was also discussed – DH wanted biological children, I was less fussed, but I was very clear that I did not want and would not have fertility treatment.

After 3 years of TTC I have never once POAS. There has been not so much as a hint of a pregnancy. After about 6 months, DH suggested we may be speak to the GP but I was clear I didn’t want to. He’s raised the idea a couple of times since and I have always refused. Last time I suggested he go to the GP, which he did but other than a general check up they refused further testing or referrals unless I would go as well.

I have an underactive thyroid which is appropriately medicated. Last time I had my annual blood test I told them we were TTC and so they did the free T3 etc tests and all came back within optimal range, I did have the details and confirmed that online and was confident everything was where it should be.

DH thinks “they’re only tests” but my argument is that tests lead to treatment – if it discovers I’m not ovulating there’s a pill for that. A pill a will refuse to take. So what is the point of having tests to discover something I am not prepared to do anything about? I think it’s a waste of my time and a waste of NHS resources (these are my own feelings and in no way a reflection of my feeling of others choices).

It all came to a head last night and I have told DH that if he wants children he needs to find someone else – I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, but I think at this point we have to accept it won’t happen naturally for us and for me that is the end of it.

I was considering suggesting that we seek private support to get DH tested so we can be sure the issue doesn’t lie with him?

I’m just very clear I won’t take drugs to get pregnant – other than my thyroxine I haven’t taken any medication in close to 15 years (I’ve had all my vaccines including COVID). I’ve never taken hormonal birth control. I simply do not see the need for most things and I don’t want to start down a path. I think it would be really easy to have some tests, try some medication for a month, just another month and before you know it I’m injecting myself with hormones and such (yes I appreciate there are many many steps between the 2!).

I’ve spent time reading the fertility boards here and I just don’t want that for me. I don’t recognise myself in those women, I don’t want that to happen to my relationship – but I guess it is ayway.

Argh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to cut him free don’t I?

Yes you do need to cut him free

@ittakes2

There is obviously nothing wrong with you deciding you don't want to have fertility drugs. But what I can't get my head around is the lack of emotion you show towards your and your husband's relationship potentially breaking down. I think if I was him and I read your posts I would come to the conclusion you love me but not enough and that you need to separate for this reason and not because of the infertility. And I don't mean about your decision to not take fertility drugs. You are so flippant about if he wants a biological child than you and him should break up. You don't even know if there is a real infertility problem because were refusing to go with him to at least get his fertility checked. Its sounds like you are ovulating so maybe he has a sperm problem. Its not uncommon for men to have sperm mobility issues (especially if they had an undecsended testicle as a child). He maybe be infertile so him leaving you for another woman who can give him a biological child becomes a mute point. Imagine if you broke up and he finds out with his new partner he was infertile anyway! Its actually cruel of you to not let him know if there is a fertility issue. If you were find out if one or both of you are infertile than he can at least draw a line in the sand and decide does he want to be with you with zero chance of having children or does he want to leave and start again. At the moment he is in limbo.

Exactly this, it's honestly bizarre !

ittakes2

She isn't stopping her DH getting tested, she's even suggested they pay privately to do so!

@JoborPlay

ittakes2

She isn't stopping her DH getting tested, she's even suggested they pay privately to do so!

Yes, I'm very definitely saying if wants to get tests then I will support him that.

We sat down last night and discussed what he was hoping to get out of the tests, with me being open to having some preliminary tests and he said he wanted to find out if there was anything we could do. I asked him to extrapolate on that and he did say that if it was something "simple" such as blocked tubes or needing clomid (he's done his research) then he would expect me to do that, despite what I have previously said to him. I said if that was the case then I definitely wouldn't be having tests as I am certainly not taking clomid and will not be having any operations. I explained that whilst I am opening to finding the cause of our infertility I am not open to treating it with operations or medications - I would do vitamins but I doubt that is the issue and I absolutely won't do anything hormonal. He did conceded that I had been clear about this from the start but thought I'd change my mind if faced with the situation, though could not think of a single situation in which I have done that! I also asked him what would he expect if he had low sperm and he said he would do what was necessary - he wasn't really aware that it would actually be me who had to do stuff and he did agree that that would be an unfair ask.

I've agreed to go for preliminary testing with the understanding that any conversations about operations or clomid will be shut down immediately but that at least we may get some answers and it can better help him understand and work out what he wants. I did discuss separating and he has said that he doesn't want that, at all really but certainly not yet, and that if we are infertile he will consider adoption more thoroughly. He's going to look for some fertility clinics near us and get us booked in - does anyone have any recommendations for the North West, I'd prefer not to travel to London.

I think you are totally underestimating how you will feel if he decides he wants to move on. This isn't some business deal.

Sorry...........I think you are being ridiculous and also very unfair to your husband.
Tests do not equal treatment. Test results equal knowledge which enables you to go forward and make informed decisions.
We discovered very early on in the testing process that DH had a zero sperm count and that I had a lot of scarring on my ovaries from endometriosis.
There were a few options open to us but we decided at that point to remain childless. The marriage ended 10 years later and subsequently met dh..........we talked about dc and I was concerned about reopening the idea as I had closed the door on the idea of being a mother. We decided to see what happened and dd was conceived quickly.
Have the tests!

I think you've explained your position and feelings very clearly from the start, don't be pressured down a path you don't want to take! The pressure and expectation to have children is ridiculous, saying what will be will be is a valid choice and your DH will need to decide himself if he can accept that or not in the long term.

@OliviaBean

I think you are totally underestimating how you will feel if he decides he wants to move on. This isn't some business deal.

I don't think I am. I'll be absolutely gutted to lose my husband, I love more than I can put in to words. But just because I love him and don't want him to leave me doesn't mean that I should undergo medical procedures I don't want.

I have agreed to tests and DH has found a clinic in Manchester who are fitting us in tomorrow (so soon as it's day 3 of my cycle and apparently my blood test needs to be before day 4?). I don't know if I'll have a scan tomorrow or if that comes later?

Day 4 would be based on hormones from what I recall and the timing of your cycle. I'd imagine they will scan you soon enough, I don't think it needs to be a particular time as such, they can tell a lot from a scan of your reproductive organs.

I think it's no harm you have some tests, you may get answers regardless of what you do after that. I am not sure myself personally I could come to terms with deciding to end my marriage and not knowing for sure why. I think if it comes to it and your husband wants to part, having a solid reason as to why will help you both move on.

I wish you well. I agree, no one should have to have any medical treatment they don't want to have.

OP a friend had one of the investigative tests where they inject something into your tubes, which has the side effect of unblocking them if they're blocked. Local anaesthetic, not a big deal. She became pregnant the next cycle after five years of trying, conceived her next child first month.

I honestly do think you're being quite stubborn and illogical based on your own account of your reasoning. You sound like you've looked at the worst case scenario of people trapped into endless cycles of IVF and totally consumed by it and drawn a line in the sand that you will do nothing down that path.

I understand that: but I know, off the top of my head, two people who've done the injection thing, and about five people who've had clomid. All have conceived within six months of the treatment. I also know someone who did one round of IVF, found it invasive and decided to stop. Talking to them when we were about to have fertility tests was really useful - her account was: she wanted to have tests and see if there was an easy fix/reason, there wasn't, they decided it was worth trying IVF, it didn't work first time and so they decided to move on with a childfree life. It was really helpful to me talking to her about it, and seeing that it was possible to go 'ok has modern medicine a way forward? Hmm, this hasn't worked, do I want to go more invasive or move on?' and stay rational about it.

You get to decide your line in the sand absolutely, but personally I think a) testing can help you understand things: if your thyroid isn't quite as well controlled as you think and is stopping you getting pregnant, isn't that worth knowing? b) For me, the one-off injection test is an appropriate level of invasive treatment: I've had similar investigations after a dodgy smear test so I think its odd to discount that when it can solve things, or at least provide clarity c) It seems odd to discount taking any medication at all while claiming you want a family. You're prepared to take thyroid meds. Equally, you may not need to - if, for example, PCOS is diagnosed, you could treat with a specific diet. But I'd really unpick why you're opposed to anything that helps with fertility and not other issues. A friend of mine has PCOS and has taken metformin: she's not TTC - doesn't want children - but without it she doesn't ovulate regularly and she believes its better for her overall health. I think its odd that in that situation it sounds like you'd be open to taking metformin if there was an overall health but not a fertility benefit.

Well glad you are getting investigations done.

One thing that i haven’t seen mentioned. My ds's dad had a low side of normal sperm count. He did some diet changes hoping to increase it. Hard to know if it made a difference but i have a teeenager.

I think it's such a shame you don't want to go to the doctors and have investigations. It could be something so very simple to sort out if there is an issue. If you do want a child I fail to see why taking a few tablets like clomid is an absolute no? I would have done anything to have my children. Are you sure you want children? I understand not wanting to go down invasive testing/ivf etc. But a fertility check and more tests for your husband and you could be more informed how to move forward.
Whether that be taking a medication, a simple procedure, ivf, adoption or not having a a family.

Your thoughts & feelings are so very valid and you have every rhyme andreason to do what you want with your body but I feel for your husband it must be souls destroying not getting pregnant if it's what he really wants but also to be met with such a road block with yourself as to not finding out what could be the problem if any.

I think you need to work together.

leakymcleakleak

Sorry if that has come across like that. It isn't going down endless cycles of IVF that I'm concerned about, its medical procedures and medication which are not necessary that I object to, And by necessary I mean necessary for health. Having a baby isn't a health need.

sunsshineshowerss

I don't believe in unnecessary medical procedures or medications. So for example I wouldn't have cosmetic procedures done, I've chosen not to have a mole removed "because" it might turn cancerous and instead I completely cover it from the sun (it's on my arse so it's easy to do). I take thyroxine because not taking it will certainly have serious negative health repercussions. If NOT doing something will have negative health repercussion then I do it, but there are no negative health repercussions to being infertile and no positive ones (and only negative ones) to something like clomid. I do want a family, but I don't believe I need medical intervention to achieve that. DH would prefer we exhaust all medical options before considering others, which I feel is easy for him to say as he doesn't actually have to do any of it.

I very much doubt I have PCOS, I have none of the indicators and it was also discussed (and discounted by the doctor) when I was diagnosed with my underactive thyroid though I could have developed it since, I still have none of the symptoms.

I already feel like I'm compromising my beliefs by going for tests and using private health care. I don't believe that there should be two-tier healthcare system.

@CaitlyntheCactus I think it's time you admit to yourself that you don't want kids or are too scared of the prospect. Your stubborness in this is obviously a defense mechanism. It's just too irrational to be anything else. You need to do some soul searching.

[quote Urghhhhh]@CaitlyntheCactus I think it's time you admit to yourself that you don't want kids or are too scared of the prospect. Your stubborness in this is obviously a defense mechanism. It's just too irrational to be anything else. You need to do some soul searching.[/quote]
What is irrational about it? It's my body and I don't want unnecessary medical procedures. I've no soul searching to do. I know I want kids, I also know what I want and don't want to happen with my body to achieve that. I know when I'm pregnant I'll have no choice at how my body responds and I may have to do things, and take medications that I wouldn't if I weren't pregnant, but at that point I'll be making health decisions about someone else in addition to me.

Just because you don't agree with my stand point doesn't mean it isn't valid or accurate.

and no positive ones (and only negative ones) to something like clomid

This is very telling, isn’t it? The obvious positive effect of clomid would be a pregnancy/baby, but you don’t want that.

OP I’m not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here. I was in exactly the same position and always said to my OH that I wouldn’t undergo fertility treatment or investigations. Adoption for me would always have been first choice but we did try for a while and nothing happened. We did adopt in the end and have a beautiful child whom we adore. We are several years in and LO is happy, loving, bright and has no apparent issues.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

The GP is mistaken that DH can't have semen analysis unless you get tested too. It would be very unfair that a man who has had unprotected sex for three years without achieving a pregnancy is denied semen analysis. He's the patient, not you. He should speak to a different GP. If you were registered with a different GP surgery they wouldn't ask for proof that you are being tested. Something doesn't add up here 🤔

@PattyPan

and no positive ones (and only negative ones) to something like clomid

This is very telling, isn’t it? The obvious positive effect of clomid would be a pregnancy/baby, but you don’t want that.

But that isn't a positive HEALTH benefit.

Your body your choice but it sounds like you don’t want children and he desperately does. You need to separate if this is how you feel as resentment will only grow. If it was me I’d have the tests to find out and then decide. You may find out that he’s got an issue and needs medication. If I was your partner I’d be frustrated that you said you want kids but won’t do anything it’s a deal breaker for me.

@PoppityPop

OP I’m not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here. I was in exactly the same position and always said to my OH that I wouldn’t undergo fertility treatment or investigations. Adoption for me would always have been first choice but we did try for a while and nothing happened. We did adopt in the end and have a beautiful child whom we adore. We are several years in and LO is happy, loving, bright and has no apparent issues. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks. I'm really glad things have worked out for you.

I don't understand why people can't understand that not wanting fertility testing doesn't mean I don't want to be a mother!

No, but it's an overall LIFE benefit, isn't it?

You're not even willing to hypotethically take a medication that doesn't involve serious risks or side effects. You say you want a baby but obviously not enough to put aside your very rigid beliefs about medical assistance.

@CaitlyntheCactus I've always said I'd never do IVF. But I used to have PCOS and have been rather blasé about contraception in my past, meaning 1 abortion and 3 miscarriages.

When DH and I couldn't seem to get me pregnant, we had testing done. I'm fine, PCOS has all but gone. DH on the other hand has azoospermia. Not a single active sperm in multiple samples. He was a very premature baby, and ended up with retained testicles - very common in prem boys. They only problem is that the NHS in the early 80s didn't do anything any third very quickly, and his first surgery was aged 4, the second aged about 9. Both his testicles were essentially cooked, so no sperm, ever.

And I'm like you. Why on earth would I go through ICSI and all the horrific invasive things IVF involves for the woman when there's nothing wrong with me? I wrestled with this for years, and in the end we're 40 + 41 and childless.

We were also refused adoption due to my having chronic migraine, so we're all out of options unless we someone wants to drop a kid off to us sometime.

That would be nice.

I'm not really OK, I can go weeks or months feeling fine then I'll have a few days like now where I'm struggling with how life has turned out, but I too made the decision I'd rather have DH than leave and explore other options to have a baby without him.

I feel like there is something unstated going on here, perhaps a phobia of medical treatment or a fear of childbirth or parenthood.