Not wanting fertility tests

[CaitlyntheCactus]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6 years, TTC for 3. We are both 33.

Prior to getting engaged we had the usual conversations about kids etc. DH wants 2, I wanted 1, may be 2 depending on how it goes but essentially was just happy to see how things went. I made it clear that I wasn’t someone who wanted to be a parent, whatever the cost. We have a number of friends who have chosen to adopt so alternative ways of becoming parents was also discussed – DH wanted biological children, I was less fussed, but I was very clear that I did not want and would not have fertility treatment.

After 3 years of TTC I have never once POAS. There has been not so much as a hint of a pregnancy. After about 6 months, DH suggested we may be speak to the GP but I was clear I didn’t want to. He’s raised the idea a couple of times since and I have always refused. Last time I suggested he go to the GP, which he did but other than a general check up they refused further testing or referrals unless I would go as well.

I have an underactive thyroid which is appropriately medicated. Last time I had my annual blood test I told them we were TTC and so they did the free T3 etc tests and all came back within optimal range, I did have the details and confirmed that online and was confident everything was where it should be.

DH thinks “they’re only tests” but my argument is that tests lead to treatment – if it discovers I’m not ovulating there’s a pill for that. A pill a will refuse to take. So what is the point of having tests to discover something I am not prepared to do anything about? I think it’s a waste of my time and a waste of NHS resources (these are my own feelings and in no way a reflection of my feeling of others choices).

It all came to a head last night and I have told DH that if he wants children he needs to find someone else – I’d be thrilled to get pregnant, but I think at this point we have to accept it won’t happen naturally for us and for me that is the end of it.

I was considering suggesting that we seek private support to get DH tested so we can be sure the issue doesn’t lie with him?

I’m just very clear I won’t take drugs to get pregnant – other than my thyroxine I haven’t taken any medication in close to 15 years (I’ve had all my vaccines including COVID). I’ve never taken hormonal birth control. I simply do not see the need for most things and I don’t want to start down a path. I think it would be really easy to have some tests, try some medication for a month, just another month and before you know it I’m injecting myself with hormones and such (yes I appreciate there are many many steps between the 2!).

I’ve spent time reading the fertility boards here and I just don’t want that for me. I don’t recognise myself in those women, I don’t want that to happen to my relationship – but I guess it is ayway.

Argh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to cut him free don’t I?

If you go down the adoption route you will need to answer lots of questions about your fertility journey to date and account for your future plans. I have no idea how social services will react to someone who says “I didn’t want to know” but you have to be prepared for them to want to talk to both you and your partner about this decision.

Personally if I was in your partner’s shoes I’d really struggle with your attitude and want to get my own tests sorted. It’s unhealthy that you think it would result in “blame”.

@MySecretHistory

Adoption isn't perfect little babies.

It is children (sometimes babies) who have had tough lives with life long consequences. Fetal alcohol, attachment disorders, neglect. Very very challenging children who need very special parents.

You sound very very naive.

I'm not naive at all. I know very well the details of adoption. I said in my OP that we have close friends that have adopted - 4 close friends (4 separate couples, 6 adopted children). 2 of my cousins are also adopted.

In addition to that, I am a social worker. In fostering and adoption (now an advanced practitioner in a family finder team) for 4 years following 18 months in child protection. Prior to that I worked in a family support team for 8 years.

Your body, your choice. However, reading your posts you say you would love a child, you always saw children and dogs in your future, so why not be willing to put a little extra effort in to achieving that goal?

It took us many years and lots of treatment to have our dc, and I totally get that not everyone wants (or is able) to do that. But don't be put off by the stories you find online - people are far more likely to post on a forum if they are struggling than if it goes smoothly. I took clomid, then had several IVF cycles. It wasn't "easy", but nor was it a nightmare. I reacted well to the drugs, had no real side effects, emotional or physical, it was pretty straightforward. The actual pregnancy and birth themselves were far harder in many ways than the fertility treatment!!

I've known two women who just had to take clomid for a week or so to help ovulate, and got pregnant straightaway, job done. It may be that quick and easy for you - you simply don't know if you don't try.

Set you own boundaries of course. But please don't write off fertility treatment as an inevitably nightmarish, drawn-out affair, because for many there really is a relatively quick, easy fix! And compared to the realities of pregnancy and birth, the treatments themselves really aren't that bad anyway (IME). Don't write off your dreams of future children out of the fear brought on by other people's negative experiences.

As a thought exercise, what do you think you'd feel like if you separated from your husband, met another man, and then fell pregnant?

I.e. If the problem were genuinely his?

Or if you separated and then he had a child with someone else?

(just suggesting these as scenarios that might help you pinpoint your feelings)

Just to add, for my own mental health, I needed to know I had done everything I could to make it happen. If the final round of IVF hadn't worked, at least I knew we had tried all we could, and it just wasn't to be. I know I would have really struggled mentally if I felt we had given in without even trying. Everyone has to find their own cut off point though.

Considering you’re 33 I’d have the tests. At least you know then. It would be tragic if you got to your late 30s, changed your mind and realised what would have been an easy fix is now something that isn’t as your eggs have aged.

Did you maybe suspect that you had fertility issues before all this??

I have absolutely no reason to suspect I have fertility issues beyond being unable to get pregnant. I had no reason prior to marriage to have suspected it. It was a topic of conversation due to some friends of ours who were at that time going through fertility treatment. I have 3 sisters and a brother, all of whom have biological children or are currently pregnant.

Tests in my case didn't mean treatment. They meant a better idea of when to have sex. If you really wanted a baby in three years you would have spoken to a private fertility specialist and asked do tests mean treatment? I think you do need to split yes for you both to be happy.

@Ephigenia

Just to add, for my own mental health, I needed to know I had done everything I could to make it happen. If the final round of IVF hadn't worked, at least I knew we had tried all we could, and it just wasn't to be. I know I would have really struggled mentally if I felt we had given in without even trying. Everyone has to find their own cut off point though.

I think that's it - one of my friends had 10 rounds of IVF. 10! The 10th worked for her. She just felt she had to try absolutely everything she could. I was amazed at her fortitude, it must have been soul destroying at times. I am aware it was very very costly financially for them but for her, it would have been more costly for her mental health not to. our other friends though had 1 round and got their DS and a college had IUI and got pregnant straight away.

I would tell Dh to get tests. If he turns out to have sperm issues then you will know if marriage ended that he is still unlikely to have children with anyone else unless they have fertility treatment. Sadly when it’s the guy with issues the treatments are for the woman I.e IVF.
You sound really set on adopting though but it’s almost like you’ve given dh an ultimatum... it’s adoption or no kids because you won’t get tested/explore treatment.
If he doesn’t want to adopt then I’d suggest he gets his tests done (privately) and decide if you should stay together or split.
As earlier poster, If you split and he goes on to have a family would that be okay? If you split and you go on to have a family would that be ok?
Sounds like you know where your line is, dh should have private tests so he knows his own situation and can make an informed decision about his choices.

@thecatsthecats

As a thought exercise, what do you think you'd feel like if you separated from your husband, met another man, and then fell pregnant?

I.e. If the problem were genuinely his?

Or if you separated and then he had a child with someone else?

(just suggesting these as scenarios that might help you pinpoint your feelings)

I'd be ecstatic if I met someone else and got pregnant. But I don't want to leave DH to possibly find someone else to do so. Or someone who is more open to adoption. I love DH and would prefer a childless life with him over a theoretical other life without him.

If he really really wants biological kids and we break up because of it and he has them with someone else, I'd be really pleased for him. I'd probably be envious as well, but I don't think I'd have any regrets.

My concern is that by agreeing to tests I get DHs hopes up that I would go further than that. And I absolutely won't. I really don't think the issue is OPKs or vitamins, I think it would be licensed drugs and such.

Just to point out that not being able to conceive does suggest something is “wrong” and there are benefits to knowing what this is. It might be something on his side. Or it might be something on your side like PCOS which is harmless and I understand if you don’t want to get treated in order to have children. But what if there is something causing fertility issues which will also have other health effects on you? A blood test for hormone levels would be a simple way to find out. As I’m sure you know female hormones affect far more than fertility, like bone density for example. If it was me I would have the basic tests to make sure there isn’t a problem that you need to act on, regardless of whether you would have fertility treatment or not.

5475878237NC

Can you explain further? What gave you a better idea of when to have sex?

I am someone who doesn't like taking drugs - I won't even take a pain killer if I have a headache. But you are confusing, you would like kids - which is the message you gave your hubby - but you are not prepared to know if you have a fertility issue? It feels a bit selfish that you have left him wondering what the issue is. Two blood tests is all you need to check you hormones are OK - or if you don't want to go to the doctor you can do things at home like check your saliva to see if a fern pattern is created which suggests you have ovulated...or you could take your waking temperature daily and that will also tell you whether you have ovulated. Or you can monitor how sticky your discharge is as when its like egg whites you are ovulating. All from the comfort of your own home without drugs.
You also don't need drugs to improve your fertilty - acupuncture or taking the right vitamins will sort you out.
I am wondering if deep down you don't want kids which is why you are behaving in an usual manner.

OP, I think more than anything you should get tests for peace of mind, a friend of mine had struggles getting pregnant but she knew she was ovulating every month so she didn’t go and get seen, turns out she had blocked tubes but didn’t find this out until an ectopic pregnancy that was caused by her blocked tubes nearly killed her. Also atleast then you both would have a clear path and a next step 😁

I get you. We actually started the process of testing, and the long waits due to COVID gave us time to reassess what we wanted and we decided not to proceed. Similar to you, I wouldn’t want further interventions and IVF isn’t a consideration for us.

We were trying for longer than you and it was something that was always on my mind and causing real stress for me personally, and on our relationship. The relief we felt at deciding not to continue (although it was still a sad moment) was immense. Although we still don’t use protection, our sex life is so much better now there’s no agenda other than having fun. There’s no worry about what if it doesn’t happen for us. We’ve just accepted that it probably won’t. It doesn’t mean that we didn’t really, really want kids...just that we’ve decided that enjoying our lives together is more important than putting more years of stress into something we may never have. It’s the mental health and time lost element that bothered us more than not wanting medication. The idea of spending the next few years having unsuccessful treatment was too much.

Incidentally, my DH has a different GP to me, and he just called them and said he needed semen analysis for fertility investigations and that I had started my tests with my own GP, and they booked him in for it. His GP didn’t check in with mine at all. If your husband wants to be tested independently, maybe he could switch GP?

ittakes2

I track ovulation. I am certain I'm ovulating - appropriate length luteal phase, cyclic changes to mucus, temperature rises and drops, positive OPKs (both cheap and clear blue). I'm not not doing anything to TTC - I've done loads of stuff in the 3 years. I'm taking conception vitamins and folic acid. We did that method where you have sex on specific days from day 8 of your cycle (I forget what it's called). I lost weight (was already a healthy weight), I cut alcohol and caffeine, cleaned up my already healthy diet, I stopped hot baths after ovulation, I've tried meditation, sticking my legs up after sex. etc etc etc. We stopped doing everything and went on a long holiday to see if "relaxing" would make difference.

n00bie thanks. It's helpful to know someone understands where I am coming from.

You can buy sperm test kits on the Internet so why doesn't he just do that? Then if he is fine you can both go from there with the conversation.

@WoMandalorian

You can buy sperm test kits on the Internet so why doesn't he just do that? Then if he is fine you can both go from there with the conversation.

I'll look in to that, thanks

I think you can be clear with your dh that just because you agree to some tests does not mean you will be taking any treatment. A sperm test is a good idea, he can start with that and if he has to pay private then fine.

I am the opposite to you. I have secondary infertility and have tried all the drugs, had surgery to unblock a Fallopian tube, 5 failed rounds of ivf and am probably having further surgery next month before yet more ivf. It's been a very shitty 3 1/2 years but dh and I are in a way stronger than ever. Yes my mental health (Because I am obsessive about it - you are not) and physical health has taken a battering but our relationship hasn't. I am not going to give up until I feel like I've tried everything. Going for initial tests does not mean you will blink and end up like me. Just be clear with dh that you will have the basic initial tests but no more.

I'll talk to DH tonight. I'll see what answers and what resolution he is hoping to get from these initial tests. I'll talk to him about further treatment being off the table (which he already knows) and take it from there.

There is obviously nothing wrong with you deciding you don't want to have fertility drugs. But what I can't get my head around is the lack of emotion you show towards your and your husband's relationship potentially breaking down. I think if I was him and I read your posts I would come to the conclusion you love me but not enough and that you need to separate for this reason and not because of the infertility. And I don't mean about your decision to not take fertility drugs. You are so flippant about if he wants a biological child than you and him should break up. You don't even know if there is a real infertility problem because were refusing to go with him to at least get his fertility checked. Its sounds like you are ovulating so maybe he has a sperm problem. Its not uncommon for men to have sperm mobility issues (especially if they had an undecsended testicle as a child). He maybe be infertile so him leaving you for another woman who can give him a biological child becomes a mute point. Imagine if you broke up and he finds out with his new partner he was infertile anyway! Its actually cruel of you to not let him know if there is a fertility issue. If you were find out if one or both of you are infertile than he can at least draw a line in the sand and decide does he want to be with you with zero chance of having children or does he want to leave and start again. At the moment he is in limbo.

We had trouble conceiving, extremely regular periods. I had some tests, it turns out I had endometriosis and fibroids. Both were removed. I had no medication and fell pregnant 3 months later. Not all tests lead to medication.