Rubbish holiday

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I don’t know why I am posting really - just stuck in bed and feeling so miserable. Dh and I were worked so hard last year and our relationship has really suffered through the pandemic. I booked three weeks in the UK with our two children just so we could be somewhere else and reset a bit. And it’s awful. During the first week, I had some work stuff to wrap up and DH had to job interviews. Kids decided about a week into the holiday to start going to sleep at 10pm. We are now at the end of week two. Dh and I are exhausted. I have a stomach bug or food poisoning and I am stuck in bed. Dh got rejected from one job but the other one really wants him - he just had to get through a psychometric test. He tried to do it this evening while I was sick in bed. Naturally the kids played up and he got locked out of the test. He is now stomping around and shouting. The toddler is in bed with me. I would just go home (dh wants to) but it’s ds’s birthday on Wednesday and everything is organised here not at home - so we really can’t. I can’t believe the holiday has gone so wrong. We’ve had some nice-ish times but we are both so tired and have to go back to 50-60 hour working weeks. I feel like it might break us. 😢

Just ignore the SAHM frothers. Not worth the energy. But if you're regularly working 5 days, then you need to be paid for 5, not 4.

4 days a week is always a mistake in my experience, especially if you're working in something like M&A.

I would go back to 5 and then at least you're getting paid.

But you have a choice - you either push through - one more year of this and then your youngest will be in school and things will get a bit easier. Or you get out altogether.

But you need to do that properly. You both quit your big jobs and get local jobs in local firms where people expect to finish by 6 and that's it. And you put your children in local state school.

What is certain is that what you're doing now isn't working for any of you really.

We are both in high stress jobs and have had moments of wondering what we’re doing abs whether it was worth it. We’re a year behind you in terms of children’s ages but are finding it much easier than last year. What I would say is that we have taken the view that we need some days to ourselves where we put the eldest in camp and keep youngest in nursery or take the odd day when they’re in school. I think you were setting yourself up for failure by using most of your leave for a 3 week holiday. Your holiday budget is probably low compared to your income as well. I’d rather stay at home and do day trips than doing self catering. I have been looking at luxury breaks with kids clubs. I find it hard to justify the money so haven’t booked yet but tbh I think that is the way to do holidays when you’re in stressful jobs.

And money wise it is quite a luxury to have a nanny on top of nursery. That must be sucking up a ton of money? Could you get away with an 8-6 nursery and then wrap-around for the eldest without the nanny on top? I assume you’d only get 15 free hours rather than 30 due to earnings but seems like your childcare costs are definitely on the high side for the age of your children.

My DIL high up the food chain in social housing officially works Three days a week. Monday Wednesday. I found her in the car on the drive on Friday sorting out a work problem because the kids were too noisy in the house so she slipped out.

It's nuts how employers are taking the mick

We have the nanny three days per week and try to cover the other two with school / nursery. We haven’t doubled childcare anywhere. And I just can’t finish at 5:30pm to do the nursery pick up - I do it one day a week on Mondays at the moment and it is hellish. I am usually parked outside school on a conference call - usher my elder child into the car making frantic ‘shushing’ noises and then drive to nursery and do the same for my younger child. Usually manage to be off calls by the time we get home at 6:30… or hand over to dh…

Childcare costs are massively on the high side. But seems to be the only way to get the necessary hours / flexibility….

Don’t let your Dc decide bedtime. They are tiny and need routine. I sometimes need to work on holiday, my tip is to do it for an hour or however long is needed then pack it all away until the next agreed time to work. People at work seem to respond to this, don’t be always contactable

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

I am questioning it. But it would mean leaving my job entirely… even as a senior associate, I can’t switch off on holiday always. The idea of giving up a job that I have fought so hard for through two pregnancies, long hours etc. is very difficult.

But then you have a holiday like this and wonder what the hell you’re doing…

OP it's just all not possible, a job that you can't switch off from, young kids, now a dog (why now?), and the job is just getting more and more pressured, right? It's a recipe for constant stress. Something has to give.

Every decision carries a consequence, right? You need to manage out those consequences, so you need a nanny, an honest review of how marriage survives small kids plus a dog plus intense jobs where one person can't ever switch off, etc.

You'll both have low immunity as you are stressed and tired so it's not a surprise you're getting ill, noone is switching off, everything is a rush and the kids pick up on it so it's always stressful and they get more wired.

You've worked hard for your career and that's amazing, but it doesn't all feel doable and unless you're curing cancer and performing life saving medicine for a living, is it really worth being work-ready 24/7 to the detriment of your marriage and family life, making everything a rush and a stress?

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

We have the nanny three days per week and try to cover the other two with school / nursery. We haven’t doubled childcare anywhere. And I just can’t finish at 5:30pm to do the nursery pick up - I do it one day a week on Mondays at the moment and it is hellish. I am usually parked outside school on a conference call - usher my elder child into the car making frantic ‘shushing’ noises and then drive to nursery and do the same for my younger child. Usually manage to be off calls by the time we get home at 6:30… or hand over to dh…

It's going to be miserable for the kids ultimately, growing up like this, they'll be stressed and anxious, you'll lose out on so much, everything is a crazy right to fit stuff in. Life is too short.

All inclusive holidays with kids clubs are good… get a swim up room so your anti social husband doesn’t have to mix with people

I think you’ll notice a massive shift then when youngest is at school and both in the same place. I’d definitely hang on in in your shoes as you’re only a year away from it (hopefully) being much easier.

We’ve struggled with timings but have just about got away with just nursery so roughly 1.4K for 4 days instead of the 3k a month you’re paying out.

Hopefully you can enjoy the rest of your holiday and feel a bit better soon. There isn’t really enough out there about the challenges of juggling two full on careers and small children. It’s just relentless and hard sometimes.

@Doubledoorsontogarden

All inclusive holidays with kids clubs are good… get a swim up room so your anti social husband doesn’t have to mix with people

We had a week in Lanzarote once all inclusive we sat with the wife and kids every day, her husband only left the accommodation if they were going out for a meal. He was a hermit

Dh is dreadful in some ways - I am an extrovert and have to carefully ration our social interaction as a family so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed. But he’ll do all the activities on a holiday like this - beach, national trust properties etc. He did stuff at Centre Parcs too, the one time we went - but we didn’t do that much because we only had an 18 month old at the time.

Sending you lots of hugs OP, it does get easier I promise. I remember how shite it was with little ones, everything is such an effort to do anything. I remember my MIL saying when they are young it can feel like a day to day drudge (I think I was crying in her shoulder at that point).
Mine are teens now (one off to uni), but I still remember how relentless holidays could be.
Xx

I'd say definitely hang on career wise - you've come too far. I clung onto mine, and those years until the youngest went too school were traumatic but I'm glad I kept going.

You are almost past the hardest part, but I think having a nanny and GP help has protected you a little from what it's like to have your own kids 24/7 without help, even when you're sick and tired and stressed with work.

So write this holiday off, make the best of it and although life is stressful for you, it will be short term, and practice a little gratitude when you're feeling sorry for yourself.

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

We have the nanny three days per week and try to cover the other two with school / nursery. We haven’t doubled childcare anywhere. And I just can’t finish at 5:30pm to do the nursery pick up - I do it one day a week on Mondays at the moment and it is hellish. I am usually parked outside school on a conference call - usher my elder child into the car making frantic ‘shushing’ noises and then drive to nursery and do the same for my younger child. Usually manage to be off calls by the time we get home at 6:30… or hand over to dh…

It sounds awful, I really feel for you OP. It’s no way to live. When I said leave London by the way I didn’t mean move further out I meant leave altogether and move North or something. It might sound drastic but other cities have law firms and the cost of living is so much lower.

I agree you are nearly out the other side don't quit now!!

Go for being a partner, it's worth the investment in childcare and bought in domestic help and then being able to sit back once the DC are a few years older they need you just as much when they are primary school age, tweens, and teens.

If you work term time only, would you not be contacted during the holidays, or would you just end up working for free during the holidays?

@Hoppinggreen Ah, I see. We do talk about Norfolk quite a bit as it’s so much cheaper and my family are there. But I (not dh, obvs as he is a hermit!) have such an amazing network of friends where we are. And my ds love school - which seems like a miracle to me as I hated school most of the time! It is still a very tempting idea…

Ex city lawyer here.

I mean it kindly but you and dh need to sit down and really address this question of what he wants to do, what you want to do, what you want for the kids and what they need and want.

Then work together to find out how much of that is realistically possible and at what cost.

You must find a way to have breaks and tend to your relationship. Or you'll head for a breakdown.

You can't go on booking holidays, where you simultaneously juggle small kids and work and job applications and who knows what else and trying to do it all. You can't do it all, it is simply not possible. You don't have magic powers!

Do not give up all your years of training and hard work, whatever you do! I would echo other posters, if you really feel you have to change, then move in-house, no timesheets, less pressure, but a genuine love of what you are doing because it is all for the benefit of your company and your team, and not about how much you should be charging a client on a ten minute versus thirty minute phone call (I was useless at this as I always thought about how long it should have taken even with the chattiest of clients and marked down the timesheets accordingly).

Sounds like you have been caught out by illness on holiday plus bizarre unnecessary stress from your other half choosing to do an interview when he knew you were sick and the kids would be about. That does not mean you are wrong in your career, it would have been a crap time even if you didn’t work at all.

Three weeks in a cottage with your children, plus no playmates and nothing to do that you don’t provide for them - sounds kind of challenging in itself. I kind of believe that holidays before about ten are the same shit in a different location (which creates its own issues!) and without all the toys. Maybe other people’s children are different - but don’t start thinking the answer is to quit the job you love, it really isn’t.

Totally agree that it’s not all possible. But I think we’re really conflicted.

Dh - he wants to step down his career a bit but comes from a family of alpha male millionaires who make him feel like a loser. Stupid. But that’s what it is.

Me - I love my job and want to keep going but I also dream of a calmer life and more fun time with my kids. I am hopeless domestically though and totally reliant on cleaners/nanny to keep home functioning. If I had more tome I could work on it! For various reasons with which I won’t bore you, I get anxious about having enough money because due to things that happened in my childhood: money = security.

We are definitely heading for breakdown. We’ve had couples counselling to try to repair some of the damage done by my pnd and lockdown. It helped somewhat.

I suppose that I hope that the answer isn’t me giving up my job…

I think having the kids in private schools is an expense you could do without. And much easier to jettison that now while your school aged child is so small, and your toddler hasn't started yet. That would free up at least £10k a year, right? Could you feel a little more secure knowing you had that money in the bank instead?