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Original poster

Rubbish holiday

335 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 21:00

I don’t know why I am posting really - just stuck in bed and feeling so miserable. Dh and I were worked so hard last year and our relationship has really suffered through the pandemic. I booked three weeks in the UK with our two children just so we could be somewhere else and reset a bit. And it’s awful. During the first week, I had some work stuff to wrap up and DH had to job interviews. Kids decided about a week into the holiday to start going to sleep at 10pm. We are now at the end of week two. Dh and I are exhausted. I have a stomach bug or food poisoning and I am stuck in bed. Dh got rejected from one job but the other one really wants him - he just had to get through a psychometric test. He tried to do it this evening while I was sick in bed. Naturally the kids played up and he got locked out of the test. He is now stomping around and shouting. The toddler is in bed with me. I would just go home (dh wants to) but it’s ds’s birthday on Wednesday and everything is organised here not at home - so we really can’t. I can’t believe the holiday has gone so wrong. We’ve had some nice-ish times but we are both so tired and have to go back to 50-60 hour working weeks. I feel like it might break us. 😢

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 25/07/2021 22:44

If you both work 60hrs then get a nanny, who could come on holidays with you.
And
Why did your DH rush into doing the online test thing with a 3 and 5 yr old running around?
And
How about DH cutting back on his work?

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 22:44

My dh was an IDIOT to try to do the online tests tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 22:47

The expense of a nanny coming on holiday is just so high. We’re staying in a two bed rural cottage because most of our income goes on childcare and school fees - which is totally our choice. I know that!

Dh would claim that he has already cut back on his work and these job interviews are an attempt to cut back more.

OP posts:

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Families
allycat4 · 25/07/2021 22:47

Your dc laughed at your MIL for being a sahm. Nice attitude.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 22:48

@NakedAttraction That was the thinking behind the three week holiday! Also, if you only go away for a few days, they never bother to get proper cover.

OP posts:
Username7521 · 25/07/2021 22:49

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore I wouldn’t have said no either. We all know it takes a women twice as much work to get to a makes counterpart job.

I will say though, don’t be a hero. I am on holiday for two weeks and didn’t do a multi million pound call (I mean dwindling millions after a very one sided negotiation but that’s another thing) and I got someone else to do it. You need to identify those around you who can take various parts of your job to ease the burden slightly while you’re on holiday. Don’t buy into the idea that one person can take your job while your away!

DirtyDancing · 25/07/2021 22:51

Wow you are all trying to do way too much. You've gone on holiday, which is pretty stressful anyway- but you're actually both working, Unwell and it's home but with less toys & home comforts. So you need a plan.

You need to stop working first off. No one on their death bed says "I wished I worked more".

You need to plan some things to do, outside when you are feeling better. Get out daily.

Kick the routine back a bit even if it takes ages to settle the kids start bedtime at 8.00pm. Hopefully they'll give you a lay in at least.

I've been there with a disaster UK break. My expectations were too high, and I was just too tired trying to do it all.. especially the bloody cooking. Buy fish n chips for a few days.

Sweettea1 · 25/07/2021 23:00

I thought togo on holiday you book time off work. An forget about interviews. Next time leave the work in work and focus on having family time with your young children they aren't little forever.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 25/07/2021 23:00

Dh would claim that he has already cut back on his work and these job interviews are an attempt to cut back more.

Good.

justasking111 · 25/07/2021 23:06

3 weeks in a rural cottage, no little playmates. You boobed there. Next time book center parcs for a break, or a family caravan site. Both have rugrats running around. The secret of a good holiday with kids this age is other kids

Send DH off to a café tomorrow to do the test in peace

minipie · 25/07/2021 23:18

As an ex city lawyer I totally get it but I would strongly strongly advise that if you’re definitely not aiming for partner, then stop now. Go in house or move to a lower tier, less demanding firm. Senior Associate is all the hours and responsibilities and stress but without the partner level pay that helps smooth the bumps. Counsel is not much better, marginally more pay but still nothing like partner levels. It’s a really shit role to get stuck in.

Either agree with your DH that he will take on the “primary parent” —mum— role, and you focus on making partner so you can earn enough to make the hours/stress worth it, or move jobs now.

minipie · 25/07/2021 23:21

@allycat4

Your dc laughed at your MIL for being a sahm. Nice attitude.
This isn’t at all what happened, don’t be silly.
Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 23:23

Centre Parc is so expensive though! And dh is basically a hermit - other people are his worst nightmare. Really limits our holiday options!

But agree - the premise of this holiday was pretty poor!

We have gone out every day but had to come back early today because I wasn’t well. And I’ll take the kids out tomorrow assuming that dh can do these online tests so that he had some quiet time - I had already offered to do that. No idea why he decided to do it tonight…

During a three week holiday, I have only done 1.5 hours reviewing docs and the same on a call and that was all in the first week. That’s pretty good, no?!

Dh didn’t really have any control over when the interviews happened. And he was worried that if he put them off by saying he was on annual leave, he would have lost out - which he might have done.

I think the rubbish holiday is probably symptomatic of our lives being a bit mental. That’s probably why I am feeling this miserable over it. I’ve worked sooooo hard for my job for so long but maybe it’s time to pull back.

OP posts:
allycat4 · 25/07/2021 23:31

@minipie

On hearing she was a sahm, he went off in fits of giggles and said "she was a nanny to her own children?!".

So in purely factual terms, that is what happened. You may disagree with my view on whether it is or isn't a nice attitude.

Mookie81 · 25/07/2021 23:36

[quote allycat4]@minipie

On hearing she was a sahm, he went off in fits of giggles and said "she was a nanny to her own children?!".

So in purely factual terms, that is what happened. You may disagree with my view on whether it is or isn't a nice attitude. [/quote]
It is unseemly to me.

minipie · 25/07/2021 23:37

The boy wasn’t laughing at his granny being a SAHM in a denigrating way, as you are suggesting - there’s no suggestion he thinks SAHM is somehow “lesser”. He was simply laughing because it’s something he hasn’t experienced so he finds it odd. A bit like if he laughed at someone who had blue hair, it doesn’t mean he’s looking down on them, just that it’s new and surprising to him.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/07/2021 23:40

Holidays with small children are always hard work - they are out of routine, you don't have all the home comforts around you that make things flow easily, or the space that you have at home, the environment has not been geared up for you.
And you are working, so not really on holiday, and DH is doing interviews, so not really on holiday.
So it's not really surprising that you don't feel like you are on holiday.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 23:43

He’s 5 and has adored both his nannies - particularly his first nanny who is now a much loved family friend. No question of him having an unpleasant attitude towards either nannies or sahms.

I felt a bit sad that the idea of a mum staying home with her children was so totally unfamiliar to him that it made him laugh. Like the day-to-day childcare thing is paid employment in his mind? Although the feminist in me did think that maybe this is how we start to progress away from unpaid care work that falls so much more often to women…

OP posts:
justasking111 · 25/07/2021 23:45

"DH is basically a hermit". ??

justasking111 · 25/07/2021 23:47

Well tell him to put on his big boy pants and suck it up. Holidays for the children are more important than his foibles.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 25/07/2021 23:50

I suppose that it is also that the kids are surrounded by friends when we’re at home and what they crave on holiday in 1-to-1 attention from us? Why we are so bloody exhausted!!

OP posts:
minipie · 26/07/2021 00:00

Yeah, if you’re going to keep with this kind of job, you need holidays with kids clubs. Not all day, but a few hours a day, so you can rest and reset and have energy for the dc. Or bring the nanny (pretty common for live in nannies to go on holidays too).

All costs more of course… works if you go for partner, not so much if you don’t…

eca80 · 26/07/2021 00:01

Everyone who blithely recommends ‘just switching off’ are a bit naive. In many jobs, that just isn’t possible. This isn’t about being ‘important’ , this is about the realities of how particular jobs/companies are structured. We can lament the unreasonableness of it, but that doesn’t change the reality. Recommending someone simply get another job is also naive - some professions are structured so that all junior levels are pretty intense and the future payout is worth the sacrifice , and also sometimes finding a new job is unrealistic.

As someone who has been in your position, made it to partner and then left to do freelance on my own schedule once I had kids, my own personal learnings are

  • holidays with kids are not holidays for you as parent, they are hard work. Maybe when they are older it becomes fun again, but right now don’t expect it to be relaxing. I personally only travel with my kids (two 4 yos) when absolutely necessary
  • it does become easier to push back when you have seniority, but even then you have to be determined. I start setting things up a month before holiday and then accept that the week after is going to be miserable. On longer holidays I designate in advance checkin days and then have to hold myself accountable.
  • longer term you need to think about priorities. It is perfectly rational to push through at certain stages and make sacrifices, but you need to be working towards something more meaningful than the next promotion. Loving your job and finding meaning there is a great reason, as is the promise of greater control/ flexibility

Personally I have landed in agreat place where I earn great money doing interesting work, and can fit it around family time, but I have this opportunity because of a lot of blood sweat and tears poured in during early and mid career. Other people make different choices and wouldn’t see my earlier sacrifices as worthwhile, and I totally understand that. You have to set your own limits and priorities.

2kool4skool · 26/07/2021 00:20

I’m in a partner role with 2 young kids and have had the type of rubbish holiday you describe, in fact much of the non holiday time too!
I also hate going on holiday with other people. Constant wall of noise!
Ours jobs are designed for men with SAHWs. Basically.
That’s why you are exhausted, me too, we’re doing both.
I also REFUSE to give it up, not now I put in those long hard yards to get here and through preg and baby phase. No bloody way.
Tough, yes, impossible really. But when they are teens, if I give up now, where does that leave me?

MistySkiesAfterRain · 26/07/2021 00:29

Just came on to say everyone has 1 crap holiday! For your well being, plan something else to look forward to - maybe a short break without kids.