Rubbish holiday

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I don’t know why I am posting really - just stuck in bed and feeling so miserable. Dh and I were worked so hard last year and our relationship has really suffered through the pandemic. I booked three weeks in the UK with our two children just so we could be somewhere else and reset a bit. And it’s awful. During the first week, I had some work stuff to wrap up and DH had to job interviews. Kids decided about a week into the holiday to start going to sleep at 10pm. We are now at the end of week two. Dh and I are exhausted. I have a stomach bug or food poisoning and I am stuck in bed. Dh got rejected from one job but the other one really wants him - he just had to get through a psychometric test. He tried to do it this evening while I was sick in bed. Naturally the kids played up and he got locked out of the test. He is now stomping around and shouting. The toddler is in bed with me. I would just go home (dh wants to) but it’s ds’s birthday on Wednesday and everything is organised here not at home - so we really can’t. I can’t believe the holiday has gone so wrong. We’ve had some nice-ish times but we are both so tired and have to go back to 50-60 hour working weeks. I feel like it might break us. 😢

Had another friend turn down a promotion because she didn’t like the conditions being offered. They fixed it and promotion went ahead, people undervalue themselves so much. It drives me nuts!!! You can love your job and be bloody good at it without sacrificing everything else. Just, you really can.

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore, you're on a bit of a hiding to nothing here. If people don't do the job that you do they can't understand it.

Virtually everyone on this thread does or did the OPs job. Posters have provided loads of really good, considered advice.

I fully sympathise with the disappointment. My original holiday got cancelled because of Covid. I then arranged a UK staycation which I have now had to cancel due to a mysterious problem with my foot which has blown up and is too painful to walk properly. I still have to take the week off work so am lying around all day in pain, thinking about the two holidays I was meant to go on. The most exciting thing I have done in the last two days is go and get a blood test. I look forward to my Summer holiday all year too. It really sucks.

Oh OP, I feel for you.

I think you were absolutely bonkers adding a puppy to your daily grind, but you obviously love her and she is a positive so don't question it.

Don't give up your job! You love your job, you're good at it, you've worked hard for it. (I say that as a sahm.)

Don't, for god sake, go camping until the kids are at least 10 and it's somewhere dry and for 2 nights only. Don't expect it to be a rest!

(Agree hotels with activities are fab for little kids. We got a lastminute deal one year for a very midrange hotel. Lovely staff, cramped but very clean room, kids' entertainment after supper, buffet which was one step up from school dinners. The kids LOVED it. "Mum, how did we ever live without such luxury?" I think this was because they could have chicken nuggets and chocolate mousse every night and there were carved watermelons.)

That's all the advice I have, nothing new to add. I just wanted to be another voice saying don't give up your job.

Who is this holiday for?

Doesn't sound like anyone is having a nice break. Just go back home where the kids can at least play with their own toys and have some fun. You can relax or work or whatever you feel is important then.
What you're doing now sounds like a nightmare to me.

That dog is adorable, and it sounds like he/she is as much an emotional support dog as a pet.

Kids didn’t go to sleep until it was dark (10:30pm) and woke up again as soon as it was light (4:30am)…. If I could solve that…

You need some sort of black out, I have heard of people using space blankets and these keep the tent cool too.

I think with children you need them to be able to hold their bladder all night before you go camping, even if you have a toilet tent you have to go with them when they are little.

But you have to see a tent as somewhere to sleep and the holiday as what ever else you do around it.

You also need children to be exhausted.

This is why camp sites are so important.

Lots of 'jobs' for kids to do such as fetching water, collecting ice blocks from the shop, emptying rubbish.

The other thing sites have is other children. You cannot buy other children (well in some murky corner of the dark web, maybe but that's not what I mean) and they do a fantastic job of entertaining each other and exhausting each other.

I have memories of being one of 7 or 8 children skipping with older children turning the huge rope, with children running in and out, there was a countdown in several languages.

Another evening there was a football match.

So have a look at campsites, not just ones with tents but caravans and cabins and if you are in the UK prepare for it to rain for a week.

If your dc are used to you and dp being in work for most of their waking hours, they’re having to adjust to all this time cheek by jowl with you.
Why are you conspiring with your dc to mock your mil? Have respect for parents who choose to stay home. Your current circumstances surely prove to you that being confined with young children isn’t an easy option. I hope you don’t depend on your mil for free childcare while undermining her to your dc.
You and dp really need to talk about your priorities. His work? Your work? Your dc?

@AnyFucker

‘My job never allows total switch off and you can’t really plan for holidays

Are you the prime minister ? Come on, nobody is indispensable. Your colleagues will not respect your presenteeism, believe me.

Next time you have a holiday, make it just that. You were asking for trouble, all of you

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore as a fellow city lawyer I can say that unfortunately that is the case @AnyFucker and I suspect often the hours are beyond even boris’!

Dont go home. But have the talk and adjust expectations. Your upset tummy wont last much longer. Maybe just let them have too much screen time tomorrow whilst you all come round.

Make sure both of you get at least an hour a day on your own away from the kids. Go for a walk or grab a coffee or have a massage. Just sit and breathe. Mediate or do yoga. Just anything to slow you down.

You have three kids and that does mean life is total carnage. None of this stuff is the end of the world it is normal school holiday family life.

The kids sound as though they are enjoying themselves.

Perhaps go home 1-2 days early to give yourselves time to get straight and unpacked and all the washing done before you go back. Some meals prepped and a dinner with a friend or sth.

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore

Well, this holiday was looking pretty good. I had just finished phase 1 of a big M&A transaction. But then the M&A transaction needed underwriting to the tune of hundreds of millions of pounds… and when you do that, you have to respond to a series of questions from the lead underwriter in writing and then verbally. The partner and team did all the preliminary work but then asked me to check the answers and join the call. What could I say? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I TOTALLY feel your pain. I can't express enough how much I relate to your post.

I think next time if you take 3 weeks, take 1 at home and jobs and handovers can be done in that week and the 2 weeks disappear completely after sending a clear and definitive "i am not available" handover. The first week is needed to just wind stuff up.

A lot of people dont understand how stressful the environment you describe can be - M&A is a monster at times.

I hope you can enjoy the remaining days.

With 300+ comments on here you're probably not looking for more advice but here are my thoughts (we are two parents working full time, London based, kids at private school, I'm C suite, my husband is also antisocial and hates organised fun)

1. as someone else said, no matter what your setup, almost everyone has had at least one shit holiday when their kids were around that age
2. it gets better. It really does. Mine are now 10 and 11 and for at least the last 5 years, holidays have been great. Not perfect - I lost my shit with everyone one afternoon on holiday this year as everyone was moaning but 99% of the time we have a brilliant break
3. your nanny setup need not cost so much. We have a live-in nanny housekeeper. She works 5 days a week and does all the cleaning, washing, ironing, kids prep, collects from school and makes their food. It costs us WAY less than the numbers you quote. In fact our house isn't that big and housework doesn't take that long so twice a week whilst the boys are at school she cleans at my mum who lives round the corner so her salary is topped up by that. I know some people also get help with food prep, meal making. I like to cook but you could do that and it would be much less than a daily Deliveroo.
4. my husband and I usually have at least one long weekend city break a year the two of us. Absolutely brilliant way to reconnect, get time to breathe, and enjoy places that wouldn't work for the kids
5. my husband also hated the CentreParks, resort type trips - even the upmarket type abroad that we tried. Try a villa in the sun with a pool which is near places for day trips. Your kids are young so you can't entirely leave them to it but it's easier to hang out somewhere when the weather is good and you can mix it up with morning or afternoon trips - Italy or Spain are great for this. Try small agriturismos which have a shared pool if your kids want a bit of company. We haven't done it but if you go for a private villa you can even splash out on local childcare for a day and you two can have some time out.
6. don't do a three week holiday stretch. 10 days to 2 weeks at this point will be better and the money doesn't need to stretch as far
7. is there any kind of peer support/mentoring at your firm. Is there someone else you can talk to about how they make or made it work. You say you don't know anyone who has the right balance - I have always worked 5 days a week although not law let alone magic circle. I've been very rigid in setting expectations at work and I generally feel like I've got as close to having it all as is possible.
8. don't give up the job yet if you enjoy it. School fees rise as they get older but your kids get much much easier

And finally, as the age old truism goes, this too shall pass. Well done on snagging the paw patrol cake.

How come you are working so much on holiday?

Please whatever you do do not give up your job you have worked so hard for.

Your kids are at hard ages and going on holiday and working is too much!

You was best off staying at home and putting them into clubs whilst you both have a break/ work.

I find holidays with little kids exhausting!!

Will you keep the children when you are divorced? If your relationship is strained and you can not take a break then you need to consider the longer term implications.

You got a puppy during lockdown. Did that help?
When things are broken you need to fix them. Sticky tape isn't the answer.

Brutal maybe but seriously have a look at what's making you life happy.

Forgot to add. Do not under any circumstances go camping 😂. If you are exhausted and fed up now that is NOT the answer

I'm on day 5 of 7 with a 4 and 6 year old. DH isn't here but my mum is. We're all reaching the stage that we've had enough - youngest wants his own toys! 3 weeks is way too much with young kids!

We take Gro Blind blackouts wherever we go away. They're an absolute essential for us to make sure sleep happens as it would at home.

We're at a seaside resort - not my choice but the kids are loving it. I spent 5 and half hours watching them on the same 4 rides at a funfair yesterday. Did I love it? Of course not! Were they happy?! Best day ever apparently! Both you and your DH need to suck it up and book a child friendly holiday! Kids don't care if you're a hermit and don't like people!

If your budget is £3k, you should have spent £1500 on a week at Center Parcs or somewhere equally child friendly and had another break another time.

Another suggestion - divide and conquer. I find 1 on 1 so much easier than 2 on 2. Take one child each for a morning or afternoon when you feel better and do something they specifically want to do

Sorry I haven’t replied in ages - dd was up until 10pm again - lying down in bed in the dark but requiring my presence at all times! Then I was wrapping presents and blowing up balloons for ds’s birthday.

Woke up to no hot water and no internet connection. Dh agreed to an informal chat with the company he is interviewing with on ds’s birthday (why, why, why?!!!!!) but has now accepted that it’s just not feasible with no internet connection.

Like the idiot I am, we gave ds the Dino Paw Patroller for his birthday, and it is so noisy, I am just… yeah. Hmmmmm.

I am so, so grateful for all the amazing, thoughtful responses and I am reading all of them. ❤️❤️❤️

The pup is 100% an emotional support dog for all of us. She is non negotiable! 🐶

@LondonMummer We don’t have room for a live in nanny, sadly - I wish we did! Although given the state of marriage right now, I am not sure we could have another person in the house.

Mentoring is something I was thinking about - I wish there was someone I could talk to at work! This is exactly why I volunteer to mentor junior lawyers. My firm is finally starting a proper mentoring program so it’s definitely something I will get sorted.

@CatsnCoffee No one was mocking my mil!! We explained to ds about stay at home parents because he was asking questions about our childhoods. His response was surprised not mocking!

[quote LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]@LondonMummer We don’t have room for a live in nanny, sadly - I wish we did! Although given the state of marriage right now, I am not sure we could have another person in the house.

Mentoring is something I was thinking about - I wish there was someone I could talk to at work! This is exactly why I volunteer to mentor junior lawyers. My firm is finally starting a proper mentoring program so it’s definitely something I will get sorted.[/quote]
Even if there's someone you can talk to informally without a formal mentor relationship it can be massively rewarding. Perhaps a peer at another firm who you've kept in touch with. Are there any online forums or informal networking groups? I know the hours are scarce but I think magic circle forms are waking up to the tsunami of mental health complaints that are bubbling and HR should also support you.

Take the nanny on holiday next time !

I wish it was as easy as taking the nanny on holiday - we would need to be able to afford both a holiday house with more bedrooms and bathrooms and the extra money to pay the nanny for another week and enough extra holiday to then cover the nanny’s holiday if she isn’t away at the same time as us….

I’ve sent you a PM OP.

Would staying at your parents/in-laws and then
you and DH booking a couple of nights in a hotel and leaving the DC at their GP’s house be a possibility?