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Original poster

Ex's new partner refuses to meet me - seeing dc

135 replies

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 16:01

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We have 4 dc together aged 15-6. Ex has had a new partner for 6 months + and she regularly spends time with our dc. At her house, out for the day, at ex's home etc.

The dc slept at her house a couple of weeks ago and there's been chat of ex moving in with her.

All absolutely fine with me. Ex and I are civil/friendly, and generally there's no issues. I'm happy he's moving on etc etc

I've asked to meet his new partner several times and keep getting fobbed off. I've asked for her address, simply so I know where the dc are if they stay over. She's reluctant for me to have it apparently.

I'm getting irritated by it frankly and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Would it bother you if you hadn't met the new gf/ knew where she lived when the dc were staying there?

She's in her 40's and has dc if that makes any difference

Idk what to do. I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc - she's bought birthday gifts etc and the dc are warming to her.

OP posts:

Orf1abc · 25/07/2021 16:04

Stop asking. She's entitled to her privacy. Your intentions might be good, but it comes across that you're being nosy.

Lbnc2021 · 25/07/2021 16:05

I never met my ex’s new wife, I trusted his judgement. I mean what were they going to do if I didn’t like her, split up? Equally i wouldn’t want to meet a partners ex to get their approval.

BeaBeaBuzz · 25/07/2021 16:08

I’ve only met ex’s new gf once and that was juat by coincidence. You’ve no right to it unfortunately. What can you tell her about your kids that your ex can’t? Think it’s especially true for kids of those ages

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RandomMess · 25/07/2021 16:09

Reasonable to want to know where they stay, other than that just talk to their Dad they are his responsibility not hers!

gogohm · 25/07/2021 16:10

Some are like that. My ex's new dp wouldn't meet me despite it being at the services with him (switching the canine over not kids, they are adults). I've met dp's exw and she nice, no drama - helps when there's family stuff, we've met her new dp too, all very grown up

tinydancer88 · 25/07/2021 16:10

You've asked, she/they have said no. Dad remains responsible for the kids on his time, and the new partner may well have no desire to have chats with his ex, well-meaning or not.

I would question your motivation for introducing yourself to her (which could sound a bit like marking territory) and discussing your son's SEN, which would be for his father to do. You've not mentioned anything about getting to know her or having a cordial relationship, so if I was her I'd be wondering where the benefit to me is?

scrambledcustard · 25/07/2021 16:14

I dont think you need to meet her face to face but I'd want her address if my kids were sleeping there.

To be honest I'd probably be more pissed off that they were sleeping there as six months is nothing. Its a brand new relationship and he is already dragging his kids in to it. what if they split up? Is he going to introduce the kids to a string of women? How many women houses are your kids gonna stay at before he settles down?

Rtmhwales · 25/07/2021 16:15

Your XH is perfectly capable of deciding where and who the children spend time with on his days. Unfortunately you have to leave it there if you've asked and he/she has said no.

I don't share any information that isn't court ordered with my DP's ex wife and I've been living with the kids for nearly two years. I value my privacy and quite frankly she's invasive and horrible. If this one wants to meet you, she will and on her own time. I'm very wary of being dragged into his ex's drama (not saying you would be, but she doesn't really know that does she).

On the plus side the kids are 6-15 so able to mostly communicate with you about her which may help ease some of the anxiety?

MadMadMadamMim · 25/07/2021 16:16

I'd not want to meet you. My (imaginary) relationship with your ex is nothing to do with you. You are a stranger to me, part of his past and I see absolutely no reason for you to "vet" me.

I appreciate that sounds rude and unfriendly, but I don't want to be friends or have you in my life. You are just one of my partner's exes. The fact you have DC is irrelevant...I would build my own relationship with them via my partner and following his and their wishes.

(I don't know your ex btw! I'm just telling you how I'd feel if I were her)

LtDansleg · 25/07/2021 16:19

I wouldn’t want to meet you either. Why does it have to be you that discusses your sons medical issues with her? Why can’t your partner do it?

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 16:19

She doesn't want to meet you. You need to respect that.

BendingSpoons · 25/07/2021 16:21

I understand wanting her address to know where your kids are staying. Is your oldest the one with additional needs? Otherwise presumably they could tell you themselves.

You don't need to be discussing your children's needs with her. Your ex should be doing that. Do you doubt that he is? I don't really think you need to thank her. Again your ex or the children themselves can do that.

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 16:24

She's none of your business. I wouldn't meet you either. I would find the insistence weird.

Either your ex is safe to have his children, or he isnt.

Dogsandbabies · 25/07/2021 16:27

I agree with PP. Why do you need to meet her? She has every right to not want to meet you or discuss anything with you. All this should be done though the kids father. My DD see my exH and his wife EOW and had done for the last 7 years they have been together. I have never met her.

If I had any concerns or my DD said anything that made me worry I would discuss with her dad anyway.

SoupDragon · 25/07/2021 16:29

Leave her alone!

Whiskycav · 25/07/2021 16:30

Yabu. She has no obligation to meet you.

I couldn't imagine trying to force exhs new girlfriend to meet me.

If he is a good father, then he gets to decode who is around his children. If he trusts her, then that's enough.

Don't really think you need her address either. That would make me really uncomftable.

Original poster

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 16:46

Thanks for the replies and a different perspective.

I'll drop it and not ask to meet her again. I thought it would be best so there's no animosity etc but if it's not the done thing then I'm happy to be told otherwise.

I hadn't considered her wanting to keep her privacy - I hadn't considered it being an issue.
Still not completely comfortable not knowing where the dc are sleeping if they're there overnight, but I do trust ex's judgement.

Lesson learned. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 25/07/2021 16:52

Another one who thinks you are being unreasonable.

She isn't part of your life so leave her alone and stop using your children as an excuse as she isn't their parent.

You and your ex are your children's parents.
So if your ex isn't safe to have your joint children then you should do something about it as it doesn't matter who he is with.

If you stop demanding to meet her, and your ex stays with her you will eventually meet her anyway as your children will have occasions where they will want their parents to be there and you will both bring your partners.

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 16:52

Dozer · 25/07/2021 16:55

Not U to want to know the address if your DC will not be sleeping at your ex’s, assuming you’d share that kind of info with him.

Nextchapterofmybook · 25/07/2021 17:02

Depends on how you and ex are co parenting. In our mediation we both agreed that we would intro partners. Not to vet them, but because best for the children if we all get along.

My new partner has to be fine with the fact I have a good friendship with my kids dad. Same for his.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 17:05

@Nextchapterofmybook

Depends on how you and ex are co parenting. In our mediation we both agreed that we would intro partners. Not to vet them, but because best for the children if we all get along.

My new partner has to be fine with the fact I have a good friendship with my kids dad. Same for his.

From OPs perspective though it doesn't depend on anything. The girlfriend is an independent, autonomous person, she doesn't have to go along with what was agreed by the parents before they met her. You both can choose not to be with people who won't, but you don't have any power or right to force them into it.

WeatheringStorms22 · 25/07/2021 17:07

Surely your oldest dc can tell you the address?

Nohomemadecandles · 25/07/2021 17:11

I can see why you'd want to know her address. I don't think that's unreasonable especially considering your ExH is going to living there and they sleep there. In fact, I'd have thought it was quite important.

Meeting her - I can see why you want to but equally why she doesn't. Not sure you can do much about that. There still doesn't need to be animosity even if you haven't met.

Original poster

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 17:12

Re eldest telling me the address, I don't want to ask him for it and get him involved if my ex isn't forthcoming with the information

OP posts:

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