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Original poster

Ex's new partner refuses to meet me - seeing dc

135 replies

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 16:01

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We have 4 dc together aged 15-6. Ex has had a new partner for 6 months + and she regularly spends time with our dc. At her house, out for the day, at ex's home etc.

The dc slept at her house a couple of weeks ago and there's been chat of ex moving in with her.

All absolutely fine with me. Ex and I are civil/friendly, and generally there's no issues. I'm happy he's moving on etc etc

I've asked to meet his new partner several times and keep getting fobbed off. I've asked for her address, simply so I know where the dc are if they stay over. She's reluctant for me to have it apparently.

I'm getting irritated by it frankly and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Would it bother you if you hadn't met the new gf/ knew where she lived when the dc were staying there?

She's in her 40's and has dc if that makes any difference

Idk what to do. I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc - she's bought birthday gifts etc and the dc are warming to her.

OP posts:
PrettyBlunt · 25/07/2021 18:53

@aSofaNearYou no one is asking you to reply to everyone. You really think I'm going to go through the whole thread. Some people don't have that much time.

You're just assuming OP is a stalker. Give over. Take a break.

You should know where your children are staying. End of.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 18:55

Well like I said the ex soon got over himself he doesn’t like any involvement from myself unless it suits him but it doesn’t work like that as I said before I do not stop being a parent when I’m not with ds

All was fine it was a bit awkward at first we could all be pleasant in front of ds which we (ex and I) thought was important for ds

Many of my friends are single parents we have all met new partners some have been the ow some there are issues some not but I don’t know anyone who thinks they have no need to or no right to

SoupDragon · 25/07/2021 19:05

@OhWhyNot

I would expect any adult to understand the importance of this relationship and the importance of a parents wanting to meet them

They may feel anxious but it’s at times you have to put your feelings aside

I don’t stop being a parent when ds is not with me.

I would expect any adult to understand that they do not have the right to force someone to meet them.

I don't stop being a parent when my 3 children aren't with me. That doesn't give me the right to force someone to meet me. They are with their other parent, that is lol that matters. I am not a control freak.

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Relationship problems
SoupDragon · 25/07/2021 19:06

I am his mother

And his father is his father.

PumpkinKlNG · 25/07/2021 19:07

OhWhyNot are you one of those women who won’t let their ex see the kids unless you meet the new partner? Maybe that’s why he “soon got over himself”!

pinkyredrose · 25/07/2021 19:08

I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc

I'm sure your ex can do that.

BlueSurfer · 25/07/2021 19:10

I think it was fine and reasonable for you to ask to meet and her address but equally fine and reasonable for her to say no. Persisting with asking goes beyond being fine and reasonable and the more you did it, the more I would refuse. If you have another partner you might find they aren’t keen to divulge all kinds of information and give up their time to meet with your ex.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 19:10

Neither myself or ds dad is anyone in our sons life though are we

That’s fine that is your choice. It was not mine or anyone I know

And I personally didn’t see it as an issue at all when I met my partners ex

I find it immature that anyone would find it an issue.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:10

[quote PrettyBlunt]@aSofaNearYou no one is asking you to reply to everyone. You really think I'm going to go through the whole thread. Some people don't have that much time.

You're just assuming OP is a stalker. Give over. Take a break.

You should know where your children are staying. End of.[/quote]
Where did I say I thought I needed to reply to everyone? You used the word "stalker", which I assumed to be in reference to the fact that I had just said that.

I'm not assuming OP is anything, actually, I think she seems pretty nice and has responded really maturely. I said from the POV of the new girlfriend, she is a total stranger and COULD turn out to be someone she doesn't want having her contact details and address. I said this to refute the comments saying it's fair enough for her to insist on having one of those two things. It's not.

One of the children's parents knows where they are staying and what that person is like. When you are seperated and no longer a unit, sadly they don't have to run those things by you and each of you have equal PR and are equally capable of judging whether someone is suitable to be around the children. There is no "end of" about it. You do not have the authority to insist strangers give over their personal details to you.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:17

Many of my friends are single parents we have all met new partners some have been the ow some there are issues some not but I don’t know anyone who thinks they have no need to or no right to

Out of your biased pool of other single parents who stand to gain from that supposed "right". Of course you don't.

MrsBertBibby · 25/07/2021 19:26

This is always such a weird one on Mumsnet. I've been in my stepsons' lives since they were 2 and 5, now they're 14 and 17 and still she is weird. She's even dropped one off on my doorstep when he was poorly and neither of them could be off work : poor kid had to to and fro between us, while I hid in my own hallway so she didn't have to see me.

My son (same age as one of hers) even went to his birthday party, in her home, years back.

I don't understand it at all. I can't imagine not wanting to meet someone so involved in my son's life.

God help us if there are weddings, or babies.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 19:26

I don’t think anyone thinks of it as an issue it’s just part of parenting when in this situation

As for PR rarely is it equal even in the lives of those on MN

TolkiensFallow · 25/07/2021 19:26

I’m totally with you OP. Really shocked by the amount of negative responses you are getting on here.

I can’t imagine not knowing where my 6 year old was sleeping regularly. I would want to know and I think it would be decent of her to let you have the info.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:29

@OhWhyNot

I don’t think anyone thinks of it as an issue it’s just part of parenting when in this situation

As for PR rarely is it equal even in the lives of those on MN

Yes but new partner's are not parents. There is no "part of parenting" for them. They have their own priorities and you are frankly, not all that relevant to them. Certainly not somebody in a position to insist they do something, and that's the wrong way to entice them into doing something purely for your benefit.
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 19:33

I know they are not parents

But she was building a close important relationship with ds

That’s ridiculous MrsBertBibby that’s exactly the situation I wouldn’t want ds to be in. Children pick up on this and can feel torn and in the middle

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:34

*I know they are not parents

But she was building a close important relationship with ds*

Yes, that does not mean she has to prioritise your parenting wants above all else.

BeaBeaBuzz · 25/07/2021 19:37

It is difficult, I do sympathise. After around 8 years of being separated I’ve learned which battles to fight. It would be nice if she wanted to meet and it would be decent if him to let you know where they are staying but sadly there’s no way to force any of that. It’s tough to get used to Flowers

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 19:46

Well we got on the short amount of time I spent with her. Surely that is better if she felt any negativity about meeting me she thankfully put it aside

AlternativePerspective · 25/07/2021 19:47

Going against the grain to say I disagree with re knowing her address.

The children are with their parent. It is his responsibility to look out for their welfare. Or should mothers communicate every address they stay at when the children are with them to the children’s father?

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:50

@OhWhyNot

Well we got on the short amount of time I spent with her. Surely that is better if she felt any negativity about meeting me she thankfully put it aside
Yes' "thankfully" being the key word. Meaning you do not have the right or power to insist she do it so should he grateful she was willing to do it for you.
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 19:55

But I did insist as I felt it was the right thing to do

If I hadn’t it would have dragged on. Ex wasn’t keen at first (as expected) but soon came around. He doesn’t like me at all would rather have no communication but that absolutely wasn’t going to happen when ds was so young.

ShagMeRiggins · 25/07/2021 19:57

OP I don’t know where all these posts about your not having the right to insist on meeting her have come from. You never implied any such thing.

To answer your question, yes it would bother me if I hadn’t met the serious girlfriend, but especially not knew where she lived. I’ve not been in that position but the simple reason with wanting to know the address (and contact number, frankly) is that—god forbid—if anything should happen to the ex (or possibly the ex and his partner) while my children were under their care.

I realise this situation is unlikely but have lived long enough, seen enough, and had too many curve balls thrown my way. Things do happen out of the blue. We can’t control them but what we can do is plan. Assess risks, and plan.

In your situation I would wait because if your ex’s relationship with his girlfriend lasts then eventually she will have to make a choice whether it’s more important to her to not meet you or more important to her to support your ex and his children by attending school plays with him, nativities, birthdays, weddings, christenings of grandchildren, family funerals, etc.

I’d also ask your ex—and stress the importance—to provide his partner with your details. Name, address, contact number, work numbers if relevant. Because should something happen to him, she needs to know how to reach you, as you have parental responsibility and she does not.

Some will say the 15-year-old could do all that but that child will possibly be out of the picture (work, university, etc) in three years and will likely not be keeping the same contact arrangements as the younger ones. Regardless, the scenario is in case of something terrible happening and in that situation I wouldn’t be putting any responsibility on the teenager. This is where adults must live up to their noun.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 19:57

@OhWhyNot

But I did insist as I felt it was the right thing to do

If I hadn’t it would have dragged on. Ex wasn’t keen at first (as expected) but soon came around. He doesn’t like me at all would rather have no communication but that absolutely wasn’t going to happen when ds was so young.

It's very telling that you barely mention what she thought about it. Great, you insisted, she put up with it. But you are extremely entitled to not see that you should not have thought it was your right to order her to meet you.
Antwerpen · 25/07/2021 19:59

@Orf1abc

Stop asking. She's entitled to her privacy. Your intentions might be good, but it comes across that you're being nosy.
No it bloody doesn’t. The OP is being perfectly reasonable, ‘nosiness’ doesn’t come into it Hmm
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 20:06

Why is it very telling

I have no idea I wasn’t privy to the conversations my ex and his partner at the time had I wouldn’t have been told if I asked.

My ex had never felt the need to have conversations with me (his stance from day one)

I do feel it’s my right being certainly the most responsible parent and the most important is ds life at the time given he was with me cast majority of the time. I’m not going to undermine my role what I felt was important so my ex didn’t feel awkward

I think we all felt awkward a bit nervous but all was fine as it should be so ds doesn’t feel in the middle

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