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Original poster

Ex's new partner refuses to meet me - seeing dc

135 replies

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 16:01

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We have 4 dc together aged 15-6. Ex has had a new partner for 6 months + and she regularly spends time with our dc. At her house, out for the day, at ex's home etc.

The dc slept at her house a couple of weeks ago and there's been chat of ex moving in with her.

All absolutely fine with me. Ex and I are civil/friendly, and generally there's no issues. I'm happy he's moving on etc etc

I've asked to meet his new partner several times and keep getting fobbed off. I've asked for her address, simply so I know where the dc are if they stay over. She's reluctant for me to have it apparently.

I'm getting irritated by it frankly and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Would it bother you if you hadn't met the new gf/ knew where she lived when the dc were staying there?

She's in her 40's and has dc if that makes any difference

Idk what to do. I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc - she's bought birthday gifts etc and the dc are warming to her.

OP posts:

Canigooutyet · 25/07/2021 21:03

I told my ex to do one when he wanted to know about my personal life. If he had concerns about the children's safety then he was more than welcome to report me to SS. He then cited some rubbish about wanting to let my new bloke about the dc's sn, asked him if he thought I was too fucking stupid to talk to other adults on my own. Idiot did then tell me he would take me to court to get this information from me, told him to crack on.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/07/2021 21:05

Orf1abc

Stop asking. She's entitled to her privacy. Your intentions might be good, but it comes across that you're being nosy.“

No. OP needs to know where they are.
Wouldn’t you at least want the address where your kids were spending the night?

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 21:06

It was important as I’m the mother of the child she was building an important relationship with

She didn’t decline because she is a mature adult

It’s not arrogant to not consider all scenarios they are endless. She had no reason to think I was horrible or a bitch unless my ex said this (as far I’m aware he has only saved for that for my ears)

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

Iwastheparanoidex · 25/07/2021 21:10

You’re not important as the mother of the child to her. Her relationship is with your ex and him as father of the child. You’re not important to her.

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 21:11

Tbh I wouldn't stay with a DP who would let his ex behave like that anyway. The relationships are separate and the child should be the most important thing to each parent.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 21:12

@OhWhyNot

It was important as I’m the mother of the child she was building an important relationship with

She didn’t decline because she is a mature adult

It was important to YOU as you're the mother of the child she was building a relationship with. It may not have been important to her. Luckily for you she didn't mind doing that for you, but she might have done.

You really don't seem to be seeing my meaning. I didn't say it was arrogant that you didn't consider all scenarios. I'm saying it was arrogant to assume it was you that needed to make the decision, considering all scenarios. It was her choice. All you had the right to do was ask.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 21:13

I have never claimed I was

rishisboater · 25/07/2021 21:16

I think you've come to the right conclusion. It'll happen naturally I'm sure. Forcing a planned/ contrived meeting is a bit weird where you have no concerns about your ex's ability to judge character or treat the kids well. Think of it as all the friends, family, etc. They'll meet whilst with your ex. He knows what he's doing.

He can explain the additional needs. Also it means when you meet someone you won't have to do any kind of meet up with your ex and him.

Original poster

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 21:19

This thread has been interesting and I've taken on board what's been said. I had never considered that there is no 'reason' for her to meet me, I felt it was best we did if she is going to be part of our dc's lives.

Our dc's additional needs means he can be explosive and have very unpredictable and sometimes have dangerous behaviour - to him and to others. My ex of course will be there but I thought it may be useful to pass on some strategies I use for our Ds in those situations as my ex doesn't do the same strategies.

I will not insist that the new partner meets me. In hindsight I think it's fair to respect her wishes and some of you have highlighted that ultimately they are still with their father, so I should trust his judgement.

As for knowing where the dc are sleeping, I would still like to know but again, I will leave it for the time being. They are with their dad and I know they're safe with him.

If they do move in together my ex will be moving into his new partners home-so I don't know how I'd feel about still not knowing - I'll cross that bridge if/when it happens

It's a new situation for me and it's certainly not my intention to come across intrusive, rude, nosey, entitled or anything like that. I'd like to make the transition of having a new significant adult in our dc's lives as smooth as possible.

But I won't ask to meet her again unless she wishes to do so. Thanks again for the replies and sharing your personal experiences

OP posts:

ShagMeRiggins · 25/07/2021 21:20

@Bluntness100

I’m glad you’re going to drop it. Their father is in control of the time they are with her, and you need to trust his judgement, wanting to meet her, and talk to her and not respecting her decline smacks of being quite controlling and rude. And I have to be honest, really intrusive and creepy.

Asking to meet the serious partner and be given an address isn’t intrusive or creepy. This is a person who—through no choice of the children—is/could be a major part of their lives. Okay, that happens often. Adults (and parents, in this case) know that and enact behaviours and plans to best pave the way for the children.

Not everyone can trust their ex’s judgment, as has been alluded to on this thread. The OP clearly states that she has no significant issues with her ex.

She has expressed a desire to meet the serious girlfriend or at least have an address.

Not a big deal right now—OP has acknowledged advice and isn’t pushing it—but surely we can all agree she’s not being unreasonable to hope for it. It’s a very normal response that has nothing to do with intrusiveness nor creepiness.

Iwastheparanoidex · 25/07/2021 21:21

Asking to meet a serious partner is absolutely intrusive. You either trust your ex’s judgement or not.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 21:22

I insisted as I know my ex drags things out and kept making lame excuses. Never did he mention how she felt (and neither would he have told me)

I’m quite sure it was more down to my ex being difficult as his usual stance than his partner at the time

Maggiesfarm · 25/07/2021 21:26

@bellyflops

Thanks for the replies and a different perspective.

I'll drop it and not ask to meet her again. I thought it would be best so there's no animosity etc but if it's not the done thing then I'm happy to be told otherwise.

I hadn't considered her wanting to keep her privacy - I hadn't considered it being an issue.
Still not completely comfortable not knowing where the dc are sleeping if they're there overnight, but I do trust ex's judgement.

Lesson learned. Thanks everyone

I get that.

I think it's a bit early to meet her. If the relationship lasts, you will meet her eventually, there's no rush.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 21:31

@OhWhyNot

I insisted as I know my ex drags things out and kept making lame excuses. Never did he mention how she felt (and neither would he have told me)

I’m quite sure it was more down to my ex being difficult as his usual stance than his partner at the time

Your unwavering centring of yourself and your ex in this and lack of self awareness about it is a bit disturbing to read but you're clearly not going to hear what people are saying to you.

ShagMeRiggins · 25/07/2021 21:31

@Iwastheparanoidex

Quite frankly. And honestly.

I have strong boundaries round my ex for a reason.

To push me into a meeting is a consent violation.

I do not consent to meet her.

And that’s the end of it.

I completely understand your point of view.

It doesn’t sound like OP’s situation, though. It might be his partner’s situation, we don’t know.

Not sure how meeting OP would cross a boundary with the partner’s ex (who must exist in some form).

At this stage it’s irrelevant. OP has said she’s not pursuing for now.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 21:32

@bellyflops Fair play to you, you've really taken things on board and handled things well. No doubt a meeting will crop up naturally down the line.

Iwastheparanoidex · 25/07/2021 21:35

So if someone says no, you don’t have to respect it if you’re The Mother of The Child and they’re the new partner
Ok. Got it.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 21:41

Op please never feel you are being intrusive for wanting to meet someone your children are building a relationship with or wanting to know where they are staying. You have the right to feel at ease that your children are

aSofa I can read I just disagree with you

Stepped up again now it’s disturbing

I posted earlier my ex will not have conversations with me unless he feels he needs to (that I would consider more disturbing is it not) I can not change that. I know if I asked him how his partner felt he would have replied none of your business or probably just blanked me

ShagMeRiggins · 25/07/2021 21:41

@Iwastheparanoidex

Asking to meet a serious partner is absolutely intrusive. You either trust your ex’s judgement or not.

It’s not intrusive to ask.

I agree that no means no.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 21:47

*aSofa I can read I just disagree with you

Stepped up again now it’s disturbing

You can read but you just repeatedly misconstrue what I say. It's not about you asking how she felt, it's just about understanding that it was her choice (based on her own feelings) whether to meet you or not and you didn't have any right to insist, regardless of your status as "Mother".

yoursfroobly · 25/07/2021 21:51

Just as an aside OP... if I wanted to know where my 15yo DS was sleeping I would use the find my friends app on my iPhone. Job done.

Obviously I don't know if your son has an iPhone/iPad or whatever but that's how I would get the address without ruffling any feathers. If it was that important to me to know where they were sleeping I would do that and keep it quiet.

I realise maybe this might make me a stalker type...?

Ritascornershop · 25/07/2021 21:54

Mumsnet always says no to this, but I struggled with this too.
My exh was never very involved with the kids prior to separation, it was always just my job to keep them fed, watered, asleep at regular times, doctors appointments, dental care, etc etc. So I was pretty invested in their safety and it was hard, emotionally very hard, to all of a sudden having them staying with a stranger who I’d never met. I didn’t necessarily trust his judgement.

So most people here will say yabu, but I think it’s perfectly natural to want to meet a person your kids will be spending a lot of time with.

TomAllenWife · 25/07/2021 21:57

@Whiskycav I totally agree with you!

I don't know why, when they're with their father the OP needs the address.
If my dcs are with their dad he might take them somewhere (we're currently in a travelodge) but he doesn't tell me and I don't tell him

We're responsible adults who can care for our children

All this micro managing shit drives me crazy

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 22:00

I said I insisted because my ex was dragging his feet

I never had any indication that she didn’t want to meet me. If she didn’t then who’s life would have been made more difficult

Ds would have been in the middle and as much as my ex can be really horrible towards me he won’t upset his son

It would have been horribly awkward her being there me dropping him off and her hiding (I always went in collect his things a quick handover to show as much unity as was possible with the hatred he felt towards me)

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 22:06

@OhWhyNot

I said I insisted because my ex was dragging his feet

I never had any indication that she didn’t want to meet me. If she didn’t then who’s life would have been made more difficult

Ds would have been in the middle and as much as my ex can be really horrible towards me he won’t upset his son

Again, all about your ex and your kid. But you were asking something from HER. She is her own person.

No one is saying anything about her hiding away, if she would naturally be there at drop off then there would never be any need to insist on meeting her, because you would be naturally meeting her anyway. We are talking about orchestrated meetings.

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