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Original poster

Ex's new partner refuses to meet me - seeing dc

135 replies

bellyflops · 25/07/2021 16:01

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We have 4 dc together aged 15-6. Ex has had a new partner for 6 months + and she regularly spends time with our dc. At her house, out for the day, at ex's home etc.

The dc slept at her house a couple of weeks ago and there's been chat of ex moving in with her.

All absolutely fine with me. Ex and I are civil/friendly, and generally there's no issues. I'm happy he's moving on etc etc

I've asked to meet his new partner several times and keep getting fobbed off. I've asked for her address, simply so I know where the dc are if they stay over. She's reluctant for me to have it apparently.

I'm getting irritated by it frankly and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Would it bother you if you hadn't met the new gf/ knew where she lived when the dc were staying there?

She's in her 40's and has dc if that makes any difference

Idk what to do. I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc - she's bought birthday gifts etc and the dc are warming to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellyflops · 25/07/2021 17:14

@Nohomemadecandles , absolutely no animosity from my end, not from their side either as far as I can tell.

I think I was hoping for a positive, friendly interaction between the houses but if she / they don't want that there's nothing I can do about it.

Definitely no animosity though

OP posts:
Whiskycav · 25/07/2021 17:15

The ops ex and the girlfriend know her address and know where they will be though.

Not sure it's great for anyone to have to give the address of everywhere they take their children, just incase.

Sounds like he is a good parent so trust he is making the best decision in the circumstances.

StrongArm · 25/07/2021 17:17

Dp's ex asked to meet me and I said fine

As a mother of dc I understood why she wanted to and I respected that. I don't think it takes much and I did it for the sake of their dc and nothing else.

We don't have an ongoing relationship or anything - I don't think she was being nosy. I think it made her feel better knowing who the kids were with - as a result she is more relaxed, the kids are relaxed and everything is fine.

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Relationship problems
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 17:18

I insisted I met ex new girlfriend as she was going to be around my ds he was going at the time (4) and she was staying and they were all going away together

I don’t care if it seems awkward (was for all of two minutes) an adult should understand the importance of these relationships

Nohomemadecandles · 25/07/2021 17:19

I lived with a guy for a good few years when I was younger and I was much more weirded out by his ex than she was of me. I didn't want to meet her either. Now I'm a parent I can see how unsettling that might be!

Maybe in time it'll happen naturally without being a planned thing.

OP, I was responding to your worry about animosity, not suggesting you were creating any.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 17:21

@OhWhyNot

I insisted I met ex new girlfriend as she was going to be around my ds he was going at the time (4) and she was staying and they were all going away together

I don’t care if it seems awkward (was for all of two minutes) an adult should understand the importance of these relationships

Poor woman.
DuckingGoose · 25/07/2021 17:22

You don't need to know where they are staying, their father obviously knows and you should trust his judgement.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 17:25

Why poor woman

I wanted to meet her as she was spending a lot of time with my child, their relationship was growing

It was the ex who felt a bit awkward about it but all was fine. We got on would meet at when I picked him up or dropped him off.

I have also been the new partner the ex wanted to meet I didn’t see it as an issue (I don’t have children at the time but was still mature enough to understand why)

SoupDragon · 25/07/2021 17:29

but was still mature enough to understand why

But not mature enough to understand that people have different feelings and expectations of privacy.

It has nothing to do with "being an adult" or "maturity" at all.

There is no way on earth I would agree to meet someone's ex or insist upon meeting a new partner.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 17:37

@OhWhyNot

Why poor woman

I wanted to meet her as she was spending a lot of time with my child, their relationship was growing

It was the ex who felt a bit awkward about it but all was fine. We got on would meet at when I picked him up or dropped him off.

I have also been the new partner the ex wanted to meet I didn’t see it as an issue (I don’t have children at the time but was still mature enough to understand why)

Some women will happen to be mutually up for this and in those cases an issue is avoided. But for those that don't want to do it, and it could be for a reason as simple as them being socially anxious or it could be something bigger than that, an ex coming thundering in "insisting" on meeting them, another grown adult with no authority over them, then it becomes wildly inappropriate and staggeringly entitled. It's not mature to think you should be able to "insist" on meeting someone, in the slightest.
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 17:46

I would expect any adult to understand the importance of this relationship and the importance of a parents wanting to meet them

They may feel anxious but it’s at times you have to put your feelings aside

I don’t stop being a parent when ds is not with me.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:08

@OhWhyNot

I would expect any adult to understand the importance of this relationship and the importance of a parents wanting to meet them

They may feel anxious but it’s at times you have to put your feelings aside

I don’t stop being a parent when ds is not with me.

How about you feeling anxious about not knowing the person around your kids, even though their other presumably equally trustworthy parent knows them well? Yeah, you're really not practising what you preach there. The meeting is not necessary, you just want it. Why should they put their feelings aside, but you shouldn't? The new girlfriend would have no obligation to pander to you just because you are a parent, it doesn't give you special powers. And I would feel much less inclined to meet up with someone purely to put their mind at ease, if they had the audacity to think they could insist on it and patronise me for not being up for it.

You don't have as much power in this situation as you think you do.

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 18:16

Well thankfully my ex and his now ex partner were mature enough to understand the importance of us all getting along, no one feeling they needed to hide way when I drop ds off, that ds feels stuck in the middle of something, we could all set a good example in front of ds that we all can get on and recognise that I wish to at least met someone who my child is building a close relationship with

Why anyone would object to this I don’t know I would find it extremely immature

It’s not about power it’s about me being a parent. I knew my ex wasn’t keen but soon got over himself

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:25

@OhWhyNot

Well thankfully my ex and his now ex partner were mature enough to understand the importance of us all getting along, no one feeling they needed to hide way when I drop ds off, that ds feels stuck in the middle of something, we could all set a good example in front of ds that we all can get on and recognise that I wish to at least met someone who my child is building a close relationship with

Why anyone would object to this I don’t know I would find it extremely immature

It’s not about power it’s about me being a parent. I knew my ex wasn’t keen but soon got over himself

Great for you. I find your sense of entitlement extremely immature in return, and would have said no for that reason 🤷‍♀️

No need to hide away if you're coming to do drop offs. Meetings can happen naturally over time. But I will not be attending an arranged meeting with someone that "insisted" on it.

And what do you mean it's not about power it's about being a parent? Your ex would be being a parent when they decided to bring the child into the kids lives. That's the part that is necessary safeguarding. What you are doing is simply being curious and entitled.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 25/07/2021 18:27

I knew my ex wasn’t keen but soon got over himself

The hypocrisy is strong with this one

PumpkinKlNG · 25/07/2021 18:27

I wouldn’t want to meet you either and I have no desire to meet any of my exes new partners

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 18:30

Not sure why you feel is hypocritical

Do you know my ex ?

OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 18:33

That’s fine for you

I’m glad we could all be mature in the situation this isn’t always the case for the ex he is very immature at times. I’ve been the same in the past and I was very young at the time long before I had ds I really could not see the problem why would I

Abhannmor · 25/07/2021 18:35

I'd insist on some contact details - just for your peace of mind. That is not being nosey , surely?

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:37

@OhWhyNot

That’s fine for you

I’m glad we could all be mature in the situation this isn’t always the case for the ex he is very immature at times. I’ve been the same in the past and I was very young at the time long before I had ds I really could not see the problem why would I

Well you're really struggling to see the problem with your attitude now so not that much has changed.
OhWhyNot · 25/07/2021 18:38

Entitled becuase I want to meet someone who is forming a close relationship with my ds

Ffs 🙄 entitled how ridiculous I am his mother we are not taking about a pet

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:39

@Abhannmor

I'd insist on some contact details - just for your peace of mind. That is not being nosey , surely?
Of course it is. The woman doesn't know OP, for all she knows she could have crazy stalker tendencies. Or she might have her own reasons to be protective of her contact details. You simply can't insist on that sort of thing. She has her ex's contact details.
PrettyBlunt · 25/07/2021 18:40

Surely if the ex and OP are on good terms then she realised that OP isn't a stalker.

Absolutely you should know where your children are staying. You wouldn't let your kid go to a sleepover and not know where they were actually staying!

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:42

@OhWhyNot

Entitled becuase I want to meet someone who is forming a close relationship with my ds

Ffs 🙄 entitled how ridiculous I am his mother we are not taking about a pet

Yes, and his father has vetted this person. Problem solved. You are seperated, so you won't be around to meet all the people he meets subsequent to your split. That is your reality. Those people have no obligation to prove themselves to you, especially when they know they have already proven themselves to the child's other equally responsible parent, the one they have an actual relationship with. Yes, your belief that you should be able to insist on meeting another adult under these circumstances is entitled.
aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:45

@PrettyBlunt

Surely if the ex and OP are on good terms then she realised that OP isn't a stalker.

Absolutely you should know where your children are staying. You wouldn't let your kid go to a sleepover and not know where they were actually staying!

They aren't one being, he could have poor judgment or just not know or disclose certain sides of her character. Or she might not have displayed these negative tendencies yet.

As to your sleepover analogy, and for what feels like the millionth time on this forum - yes I would if my DDs dad knew.

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