Ex's new partner refuses to meet me - seeing dc

[bellyflops]

My ex and I separated over a year ago. We have 4 dc together aged 15-6. Ex has had a new partner for 6 months + and she regularly spends time with our dc. At her house, out for the day, at ex's home etc.

The dc slept at her house a couple of weeks ago and there's been chat of ex moving in with her.

All absolutely fine with me. Ex and I are civil/friendly, and generally there's no issues. I'm happy he's moving on etc etc

I've asked to meet his new partner several times and keep getting fobbed off. I've asked for her address, simply so I know where the dc are if they stay over. She's reluctant for me to have it apparently.

I'm getting irritated by it frankly and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Would it bother you if you hadn't met the new gf/ knew where she lived when the dc were staying there?

She's in her 40's and has dc if that makes any difference

Idk what to do. I only want to introduce myself, talk to her about our Ds as he has additional needs and thank her for what she's done do far with the dc - she's bought birthday gifts etc and the dc are warming to her.

It’s fine to introduce yourself if you ever meet and have a little chit chat, but there’s absolutely no need for it to be a formal meeting with instructions on how to care for your son (because your husband will have surely told her all about his son already, plus she’s already known them a while now).

I entirely agree with you OP. I can't imagine taking my DC to stay somewhere and keeping the address secret from my ex, nor can I imagine him taking DC somewhere and keeping the address secret from me. Also we would both feel it vital to introduce a new partner who would be having contact with DC to each other. It's a matter of respect. But obviously you can't make that happen, if the other parties don't want to. Terrible situation, sorry OP.

@OhWhyNot

Why is it very telling

I have no idea I wasn’t privy to the conversations my ex and his partner at the time had I wouldn’t have been told if I asked.

My ex had never felt the need to have conversations with me (his stance from day one)

I do feel it’s my right being certainly the most responsible parent and the most important is ds life at the time given he was with me cast majority of the time. I’m not going to undermine my role what I felt was important so my ex didn’t feel awkward

I think we all felt awkward a bit nervous but all was fine as it should be so ds doesn’t feel in the middle

Because it's nothing to do with how your ex felt. It's about how an unrelated woman you had no authority to command, mother or not, felt. You've done exactly the same thing in this comment.

In your case she obviously went along with it, in others they won't.

@AlternativePerspective

Going against the grain to say I disagree with re knowing her address.

The children are with their parent. It is his responsibility to look out for their welfare. Or should mothers communicate every address they stay at when the children are with them to the children’s father?

No, of course mothers—and fathers—shouldn’t communicate every address they visit, nor every place they go to.

Text: we’re just at Liverpool station now
Text: FYI we’ve arrived at the O2
Text: just setting off and about to merge in to the M11

That would be ridiculous, not to mention burdensome.

But if the ex and the partner do move in together and the children will be spending significant time with them in the new home, that’s different. Perhaps not legally, I wouldn’t know. It certainly feels different and I’ll have to give more thought to why it does.

But it’s made me think of a question: should the ex and the girlfriend decide to move in together in the girlfriend’s home or an entirely new property, what do people think then? Does OP have a right to know her ex’s new address?

It would be a hard no from me.

The only way I’d be forced to give a partners ex my address is by a court. And if it got to that stage I’d be long gone anyway.

No one has the right to force me to meet anyone I don’t want to and to hand out my address when I don’t want to (except a court as above). I certainly wouldn’t be doing it to pander to some ex of the bloke I’m shagging.

But it’s made me think of a question: should the ex and the girlfriend decide to move in together in the girlfriend’s home or an entirely new property, what do people think then? Does OP have a right to know her ex’s new address?

If he's living there he obviously has more of a right to share his own address.

If he’s living there full time then he can share the address.

If it’s an occasional overnight then no.

(But I just wouldn’t get involved with a man with young children. I don’t want the hassle)

Again I do not quite understand why an adult would say no or in the ops case not give the address it’s creating a drama and unnecessary stress

My role in ds life was the most important not the ex’s or his partners. I wanted to meet who he was spending time with I wanted to feel more at ease all is ok I didn’t want the awkward feeling of anyone having to hide away because ds would feel in the middle

Again I’m not going to undermine my role of caring for ds or my feelings of not knowing so others feel less awkward or for ds to feel in the middle

The single mother is always seen as trying to control when making perfectly reasonable requests or to be grateful an ex is involved with their own child and god forbid she gets regular maintenance then she is positively lucky and he is a saint 🙄 it’s bollocks most single mothers are not an equal parent they are the more important parent in their child/children’s life

@Iwastheparanoidex

It would be a hard no from me.

The only way I’d be forced to give a partners ex my address is by a court. And if it got to that stage I’d be long gone anyway.

No one has the right to force me to meet anyone I don’t want to and to hand out my address when I don’t want to (except a court as above). I certainly wouldn’t be doing it to pander to some ex of the bloke I’m shagging.

If my children were staying over regularly, I'd hope you were more than some girl he was shagging.

You’ve no right to meet me.

If your ex thinks I’m an ok kind of person to be around his child, that’s all you need to know.

I’d tell you to do one. Genuinely. It’s so controlling and intrusive.

If your ex is good enough to have unsupervised contact, he’s good enough to decide what to do in that time and who he’s spending time with.

That would depend on the relationship between me and the bloke really wouldn’t it? Hypothetically.

I’d have gone if you were as controlling as that I can’t be arsed with that nonsense.

Oh. And as a grown up person I’m a woman. Not a girl.

I was happy for my DPs ex to know my address, no problem, she wasn't a psycho. But I had no intention of meeting her, why should I. We did eventually meet at MIL funeral and she was lovely.

It isnt up to the BM who her ex is with. And children are not possessions. My DSS is now 23 and he is amazing, thanks to his mum mostly. But he is also part of my family even though I split up with his dad. Because children can love many people for many reasons.

She's even dropped one off on my doorstep when he was poorly and neither of them could be off work : poor kid had to to and fro between us, while I hid in my own hallway so she didn't have to see me.

MrsBert, that’s worrying behaviour (on her part).

She might have her reasons—everyone has—but she’s putting her reasons above the needs of her child. This is no way for her to provide a secure emotional environment for her child.

You’re not in the wrong here, it’s obvious you were trying to accommodate and continue fostering a good working relationship. Sometimes, though, that isn’t best in the long run especially when the actions expected of you are controlling and childish

@OhWhyNot

Again I do not quite understand why an adult would say no or in the ops case not give the address it’s creating a drama and unnecessary stress

My role in ds life was the most important not the ex’s or his partners. I wanted to meet who he was spending time with I wanted to feel more at ease all is ok I didn’t want the awkward feeling of anyone having to hide away because ds would feel in the middle

Again I’m not going to undermine my role of caring for ds or my feelings of not knowing so others feel less awkward or for ds to feel in the middle

The single mother is always seen as trying to control when making perfectly reasonable requests or to be grateful an ex is involved with their own child and god forbid she gets regular maintenance then she is positively lucky and he is a saint 🙄 it’s bollocks most single mothers are not an equal parent they are the more important parent in their child/children’s life

Just because you do not understand it does not mean there are not reasons they would not want to, or simply be interested in, meeting you. Many people face serious harassment and abuse from their partner's ex's. You do not have any right to force them to take that risk because you feel your right to know is greater than their right to protect themselves.

It is not about undermining your role as mother. You are centering yourself and your children too much. It's not about you being the most important person in their life. It is about you not being the most important person in HER life. You are not automatically a trusted person for key personal information, and you are not necessarily someone she feels she has to know due to her boyfriend sometimes having his kids at her house.

Nobody is saying anything about you being grateful their dad has his kids or pays maintenance, I sympathise with those frustrations if you have them but they are not relevant here.

I’m glad you’re going to drop it. Their father is in control of the time they are with her, and you need to trust his judgement, wanting to meet her, and talk to her and not respecting her decline smacks of being quite controlling and rude. And I have to be honest, really intrusive and creepy.

If the relationship between your ex and his new partner is to be long term it makes far more sense in my mind for the two of you to meet, the children would certainly feel better and settled. As a mum , and I'm sure many dads would feel the same, I have to admit I would be very uneasy with my dc spending significant time with someone I hadn't met at all. The fact that it's your exs new partner is irrelevant. So, I would've gone along the lines of a short, casual meet-up just so you know each other! But yes, you can't force her. It's a shame she doesn't want to meet.

She doesn't want to meet you and doesn't need to as frustrating as that is for you

I'm on the other side, a stepmother. Before I met my DSC I offered to meet their mother. She refused and was subsequently rude and unpleasant to me whenever our paths crossed at pick ups. I thought it would be the right thing to do but I think she wanted drama from the start. Since having my own DC, my opinion has changed, if we split I would not insist on meeting DH's new partner but would happily do so if she wanted to. You really have no right to expect her to meet though OP and I think you've realised that now which is great.

Oh please why would I wanting to meet her make me so important in her life. If she feels that then that is for her to deal with.

I’m now to consider every possible scenario that she may be wary off but not that of my own child

again single mother always has to put up and shut up and be grateful 🙄

No I don’t have those frustrations

I’m a single parent. My ex is remarried. My kids are now adult but they were young when they got together.

My ex and his wife tried for years to insist that I met her.

I had and have no desire to meet her. She’s nothing to me. Literally nothing. If I have (had) an issue, it was for my ex to deal with.

What would meeting his new partner actually achieve?

@OhWhyNot

Oh please why would I wanting to meet her make me so important in her life. If she feels that then that is for her to deal with.

I’m now to consider every possible scenario that she may be wary off but not that of my own child

again single mother always has to put up and shut up and be grateful 🙄

No I don’t have those frustrations

You insisting she meet you would only be possible if you were very important in her life. You expecting her to feel it was important to meet you, would only happen if she felt you were important in her life.

You have to consider the scenarios that might lead to her exercising her own free will to decline your invitation, yes. You somehow write as if it's always about what you decide. It's not a case of you must consider these things whilst deciding whether to insist on the meeting or not. That's just arrogant. It's a case of SHE will consider those things whilst deciding whether to agree to meet you or not. Because it's entirely her choice.

Quite frankly. And honestly.

I have strong boundaries round my ex for a reason.

To push me into a meeting is a consent violation.

I do not consent to meet her.

And that’s the end of it.

When I was a child I threw myself off the bed (just being a daft kid) and broke my wrist. My dad was out for a couple of hours and uncontactable. Thankfully, my stepmum had my mums details, and she met us at the hospital. So glad to have a parent with me and glad that my parents got along like that. (If only the sake of me at first!)

I understand her saying no if she's a new girlfriend and they don't live together. Bit soon, but surely better to have contact details if things get more serious? I dunno. Each to their own.

I think a lot of people are missing the point that OP doesn't give a fuck about where she lives other than to know where her children are. I agree that it's his responsibility in his time, but it's a difficult transition to make and I think a lot are being harsh, most people would feel more comfortable knowing who is spending a lot of time with their kids.