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Original poster

DS and his holiday and refusing to bail him out

328 replies

Namechangedbecauseofthis · 24/07/2021 23:16

Ds is due to go on holiday in 13 days. He has only just realised in order to travel he needs to purchase a private PCR test.

I say only just realised I’ve been telling him for months to either move the holiday or make sure he has enough money for the test.

Two days ago he could have moved the holiday (TUI) free of charge.

The holiday was cheap, but now not cheap with the added PCRs on top.

Some of his mates are now making noise about losing their money if it can’t be changed, a couple of them are still going to go and take the PCR tests they have the funds.

We are not well off financially at all, however I could bail him out and pay for the PCR tests. Part of me thinks do this, the other part of me thinks. No I told him to bloody sort it and this is a shitty way to learn the hard way but he needs to grow up.

I’m not sure why they have left it so late, I can’t even wrap my head around that. I think lead booker just thought they would lose their deposits. The holiday needs to be paid, however they haven’t paid the final payment.

Can anyone advise? Can TUI move the holiday outside the 14 days? Should I bail him out? If they don’t pay for the holiday will they be liable for the cost still.

OP posts:

MeanderingGently · 25/07/2021 03:25

For heaven's sake, don't call the company. Leave it. Let him sort it out. You are not helping him be an adult, you are enabling him to be helpless. He is NOT "so young", he's an adult, he's over 18. You have warned him, reminded him over and over, you have said enough.

Stop being angry, you are too invested. There is nothing to be angry about. Back off, and step out, it isn't your problem. Let him learn a lesson the hard way, he won't repeat the mistake again. He booked, he can sort it out. He can 'phone. If he doesn't sort it or messes up/loses all his money, that's his problem. It isn't yours. Leave it.

If he suddenly has a panic and comes to you for money, tell him you don't have much and can't afford to pay or bail him out. If he just wants PCR money you explain you could offer a loan and you sort out how he'll pay you back...instalments and loss of birthday/X-mas presents etc. And stick to it. Let him sort out everything and if he still loses out, let him take the knock and deal with it. Stop running around picking up the pieces.

If you let him, he will learn a big lesson. If you do it for him or 'rescue' him, he will not learn and you'll be reminding him/bailing him out the next time, and the next time and the next......

Noterook · 25/07/2021 03:32

Get him to Google them, the postal ones are cheaper and usually airports offer discounts.

NumberTheory · 25/07/2021 03:45

@Namechangedbecauseofthis

Because I would do it to help them?

But he can do it and it's his problem. If this is how you've responded to problems in the past it's kind of unsurprising he's in this situation now.

Possibly a loan is a reasonable response, but if you really want him to respond better in the future you need to let him learn what's really involved in saving the situation.

He needs to call them and find out if it can be moved and decide if that's a good idea. He needs to find out what tests he needs, what the cheapest way to get them is, how much he actually needs to borrow from you and how he's going to repay that.

Be a sounding board for him. Make the odd suggestion, but stop doing the work for him.

Pixxie7 · 25/07/2021 03:55

I agree that he needs to take responsibility however they don’t magically become sensible at the age of 18. Perhaps you could let him earn the money, doing jobs for you or family. However I wouldn’t let him miss out on his holiday if you can help.

NumberTheory · 25/07/2021 04:00

@Ginandplatonic

Going against the standard MN throw them to the wolves the second they turn 18 narrative. At that age they really aren’t good at thinking things through or considering future consequences. Plus they’ve had a shitty 18 months without the same opportunities for growing and learning as normal.

I’d help him out in your situation - make the phone call, give or lend the money if you can afford it, help him financially plan his holiday. This has probably been a wake up call for him.

Then have a conversation about actions (or lack of actions) and consequences and facing them himself in future. I think this would be an unkind time to withdraw your support.

He didn't need to think it through all by himself. OP has been pointing out the issue for months. He hasn't been thrown to the wolves he's been blindly running towards them despite flashing neon signs saying "beware the wolves".

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2021 04:18

@Ginandplatonic

I’d help him out in your situation - make the phone call, give or lend the money if you can afford it, help him financially plan his holiday. This has probably been a wake up call for him.

Then have a conversation about actions (or lack of actions) and consequences and facing them himself in future. I think this would be an unkind time to withdraw your support.

From the op...

Ds is due to go on holiday in 13 days. He has only just realised in order to travel he needs to purchase a private PCR test.

I say only just realised I’ve been telling him for months to either move the holiday or make sure he has enough money for the test.

Two days ago he could have moved the holiday (TUI) free of charge.

The "conversation" about his need for preparation was ongoing. How much more do you propose mummy do? Take over every aspect of the dear boy's life so he doesn't fuck up so royally? And not a small child, either a 19 year old. Bollocks to that. Good luck with allowing your children to avoid consequences for their own foolishness.

Hannayeah · 25/07/2021 04:25

I really don’t think I’d try to solve this for him.

0None0 · 25/07/2021 04:28

How worrying and annoying for you. You sound like a lovely mum! Either decision you make won’t feel right, I don’t think. It’s hard to know which is the least worse.

Where is he going? What happens if he tests positive on the way out or the way back? Who then pays for quarantine abroad?

All things he needs to consider.

bert3400 · 25/07/2021 04:49

I agree that our 18/19yr olds have missed out on many life skills over the last 18mths . Along with monumental celebrations, no 18th party, no proms ,no graduation. It's all been really crap. I would help him out. But do it together or get him to book his tests but be on hand to guide if needed. Yes he is officially an adult but he's not really is he ?

Ginandplatonic · 25/07/2021 04:51

@Aquamarine1029 so kind of you to be concerned about my children - they’re sensible, responsible and managing their lives just fine thanks. Safe in the knowledge that if they do make mistakes - because they are teenagers with developing teenage brains and all that entails - I will help them in the first instance, particularly if the consequences are significant and affect more than themselves. Then lecture them.

And thank you for patronisingly repeating the OP at me - I had managed to grasp it the first time. I just have a different opinion to you. That is the point of asking a question on MN after all - to get different perspectives.

maddy68 · 25/07/2021 04:53

This has an impact in other people. I would pay for the tests but he would need to pay you back

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 25/07/2021 05:26

Does he realise that Tui has an arrangement with Chronomics that makes the tests considerably cheaper than organising privately? Only £20 for a country on the green list, for example. If he's not going for 13 days he still has time to order tests from Chronomics.

Weenurse · 25/07/2021 05:32

Good life lesson.
If you can’t afford it, you can’t do it.
Sit down with him, find out what type of holiday he is expecting and work out his budget.
If he is expecting to drink and party, he won’t be able to afford that by the sounds of things. He needs to know realistically what his budget will give him.
He may chose to postpone once he realised how limited it will be.

Saltyslug · 25/07/2021 05:47

What are the boys doing who are not going immediately? Are they going at a later date. If so this could be an option.

Personally I think it’s great you’ve let him stew on it overnight. And the idea of him having a rummage round to find things to sell is great. Either way ensure he does all the leg work in regards to calls, coordination, contacting agencies. This will help him step into adulthood. Stop reminding him repeatedly about things, explain to him that you’ll only tell him something once like any other adult.

Saltyslug · 25/07/2021 05:50

Yes I would pay for it but ensure he pays it back immediately and I would not sub spending money. He can sell items to create spending cash or offer to mow some lawns/wash cars/sell games

Silkiecats · 25/07/2021 05:52

Within 14 days of departure with TUI the standard terms and conditions are you lose 100% if cancel / postpone, could try asking though, whoever booked it may well need to be the one who phones.

On their website there's details about covid tests and what happens if you get covid abroad - you can get cheaper tests through them - if its an amber destination its £90 for all the tests before and after.

Original poster

Namechangedbecauseofthis · 25/07/2021 06:09

Im angry because money in this house isn’t easy to come by. That money was his 18th birthday present so he will effectively throw it in the bin.

He has paid for the holiday in that his mate has the money. If he doesn’t go and his mates still go they don’t miss out.

I’ve thought about it overnight and I’m not going to bail him out, because the alternative testing positive and getting him to quarantine abroad, no budget for this holiday etc etc. He needs to learn this bit by himself and I can’t bail him out to that amount, I simply don’t have the money.

OP posts:

dancemusicsexromance · 25/07/2021 06:14

Help him -
I agree with a loan.

He's so young and things have been hard with COVID

I have an 18 year old ASD son with no friends and I would give anything for him to be excited for a holiday.

Pissinthepottyplease · 25/07/2021 06:15

I’m sure the finally amount of the holiday needs to paid more than 13 days before travel.

whiteroseredrose · 25/07/2021 06:16

I think that's the right decision and for exactly the reason that you've said.

I wouldn't want to punish your DS but even if you pay for the tests there is no guarantee that they will come back negative.

Would his travel insurance cover the cost of the extra accommodation and flights if he tested positive before boarding?

joystir59 · 25/07/2021 06:17

I think he is old enough to have planned for and his holiday costs and deal with all the C19 stuff himself and that your decision to not bail him out is the best one, not least because you can't afford to bail him out.

linelgreen · 25/07/2021 06:34

Why can't he just pay fir the tests from the funds he has allocated for holiday spending money and then just not spend as much whilst on the holiday?

KihoBebiluPute · 25/07/2021 06:43

I think I would loan him the money - either him paying you back from wages if he is earning, or you deducting from whatever you are giving him if you are funding him through uni, so that he spends the next 6 months on a tight shoestring. He needs to take personal responsibility for this and just bailing him out would be unhelpful to his developing proper financial sense.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/07/2021 06:45

I'd LEND him the money, not give it.
And MAKE him pay it back.
I'd be too pissed off at him losing the money on the holiday to force him to miss it, but I'd certainly insist that he pays the money for the test back, AND have "nagging rights" for at least a while over it.

TheQueef · 25/07/2021 06:45

What would be the total costs for his test requirements?

I get the frustration, you scratched about to give him money on his 18th and it's potentially going to be lost, I'd be pissed off but you are right to hold back now.
Frustrating but they only learn this way.

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