DS and his holiday and refusing to bail him out

[Namechangedbecauseofthis]

Ds is due to go on holiday in 13 days. He has only just realised in order to travel he needs to purchase a private PCR test.

I say only just realised I’ve been telling him for months to either move the holiday or make sure he has enough money for the test.

Two days ago he could have moved the holiday (TUI) free of charge.

The holiday was cheap, but now not cheap with the added PCRs on top.

Some of his mates are now making noise about losing their money if it can’t be changed, a couple of them are still going to go and take the PCR tests they have the funds.

We are not well off financially at all, however I could bail him out and pay for the PCR tests. Part of me thinks do this, the other part of me thinks. No I told him to bloody sort it and this is a shitty way to learn the hard way but he needs to grow up.

I’m not sure why they have left it so late, I can’t even wrap my head around that. I think lead booker just thought they would lose their deposits. The holiday needs to be paid, however they haven’t paid the final payment.

Can anyone advise? Can TUI move the holiday outside the 14 days? Should I bail him out? If they don’t pay for the holiday will they be liable for the cost still.

Because I would do it to help them?

I think I'd also be tempted to get him to show you his budget plan for the holiday and check his thinking/assumptions. The last thing you want is him stuck abroad needing emergency bail out. He can't object to that given his planning has landed him in this position. He can be told and recognise that running his ideas past you isn't a daft idea.

I think day 5 is optional and also heard reports of them coming back after day 8 test.

He could probably do a sweep of his bedroom for outdated tech and games etc, get down to CEX and raise the money himself.

We have agreed to discuss in morning when I’m less annoyed and look at his options.

I’ve said he needs to look at whether he can actually afford to be there when he is out there. If he can’t then maybe better losing the money for the trip.

He's your son. Yes you want him to learn to be responsible, but do you really want him to be so sad and disappointed? Help him out - worst case make it a loan rather than a donation.

BTW there are lots of test providers, some of which are fairly cheap.

@Namechangedbecauseofthis

Because I would do it to help them?

I mean this gently op, but you "helping" him isn't helping him. It's enabling him and allowing him to act like a child. He got himself into this, he has to get himself out. You can either let this be a massive learning experience for him or you can take charge of everything and he will learn NOTHING.

I know how hard this this, my kids are in their 20's, but you have got to let him fall on his face. This is all his doing.

Maybe he is just used to mummy dearest doing it all for him. Leave him to sort it he's an adult now you have told him he chose not to listen maybe a lesson will be learnt.

Collinson at Heathrow are charging £40 for a pre-departure lateral flow test which is 'accepted for USA, Italy, Germany, Croatia and several other countries'.

He's 19, and leaving in 13 days? That's enough time to earn £40 if he really tries to look for odd jobs. If he really makes the effort but still comes up short, maybe consider bailing him out. But the initial expectation should be that he deals with it himself.

I'd lend him the money but he would be repaying it bit by bit when he got back. If teens had not had such a shitty 2 years I would not be bailing out but honestly they have lost almost 2 years of their lives.

I would sit down with him in the morning and help him brain storm some options, but i would bot give him any solutions and I would make him do all the work of seeing which options are viable. So you are a mentor, but he has to pull his finger out and read the paperwork and make the calls.

Loan him the money if he wants it on that basis.,Make sure he pays it back if he takes it.

This really doesn't seem like a bog deal tbh. You say you can afford to lend it, so do it, don't ruin his holiday! But lend it. And when he gets back set firmer boundaries including first him repaying you before he spends any money on going out etc, and secondly that in future you don't just "suggest" he is responsible about financial things.

Bog deal? Yuk! I meant big deal.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why would you call them?! He’s 19, he’s got a phone? He can call them.

This is his mess.

Totally agree with this. If he wants to call, then let him. He’s 19. He can use a phone.

@Sweettea1

Maybe he is just used to mummy dearest doing it all for him. Leave him to sort it he's an adult now you have told him he chose not to listen maybe a lesson will be learnt.

This too. It’s been bleeding obvious what the situation is for ages. Plus you told him. Errrrrm hello ......

Going against the standard MN throw them to the wolves the second they turn 18 narrative. At that age they really aren’t good at thinking things through or considering future consequences. Plus they’ve had a shitty 18 months without the same opportunities for growing and learning as normal.

I’d help him out in your situation - make the phone call, give or lend the money if you can afford it, help him financially plan his holiday. This has probably been a wake up call for him.

Then have a conversation about actions (or lack of actions) and consequences and facing them himself in future. I think this would be an unkind time to withdraw your support.

My dd is younger, but there are definitely things she should be able to do by her age that she just doesn’t know how because of Covid. She simply hasn’t had the chance to learn. We are lucky in that she is still a minor so we still have time.

So I do get that a 19yo should have figured all this out, but in a lot of ways you are dealing with a 17.5yo. Being a parent of a teen these days is tricky.

I don’t really have an answer for you. Just wanted to say that I understand why you are considering bailing him out when in normal circumstances it would clearly be time for him to learn a hard lesson.

@Ginandplatonic

Going against the standard MN throw them to the wolves the second they turn 18 narrative. At that age they really aren’t good at thinking things through or considering future consequences. Plus they’ve had a shitty 18 months without the same opportunities for growing and learning as normal.

I’d help him out in your situation - make the phone call, give or lend the money if you can afford it, help him financially plan his holiday. This has probably been a wake up call for him.

Then have a conversation about actions (or lack of actions) and consequences and facing them himself in future. I think this would be an unkind time to withdraw your support.

I agree. 18 year olds still have no idea. The risk and planning part of the brain doesn't properly develop until 25. To expect him to behave like a 35 year old is unrealistic. And teens his age have had two years of not having the chance to develop that part of their brain with normal experiences so are likely more immature than 18 year olds may have been a few years ago.

Help him with this then make him pay you back, parent him and make sure clear consequences for thing are set out in advance in future.

Behave like a 25 year old is unrealistic. Not 35. That would be bonkers.

“Parent him” - he’s 18. He’s an adult FFS.
He doesn’t need any more mollycoddling.
(Not saying you have mollycoddled him Op).
He needs to appreciate / learn that if you want to do adult things like book a holiday abroad, then there are other things associated with that, especially at the moment (that the Op kindly reminded him about - if, understandably, given he’s 18, he isn’t inclined to watch the news very often).
But I’m not sure, at 18, there’s an awful lot more parenting needed. Guidance / advice yes.

I think if you really want to help him you have 2 choices

1. throw the holliday/money away

2. you give him money for the test on the strict understanding after holiday, he pays you back weekly/monthly, or you start selling his valuables

You are right in saying he needs to learn, but you calling Tui is just weird, wrong and not the right way to do it. That would be enabling him.

His other best option would be to put the test on his credit card and pay it off next month- no interest and he builds up credit, just tell him not to take cc on holiday. Don't stick the idea of an official loan in his head, if he's this... unworldly, he may well go for a bloody payday loan thinking it's great and that's all he'll need. At least with a credit card it's all paid off no interest added.

So three options there, he's growing up and needs to choose which one is suitable.

Also forgot to say there's always the

He calls Tui option, but how are group dynamics working out if he can shift his holiday?