If you have raised a happy teenage girl…

[MoaningMel]

How do you think you managed it?

My DD is 9 and I’m so worried about the world she is entering: self-harm, eating disorders, gender issues, school pressure, social media, friends etc etc

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

You forget all about the " you are their parent not their friend" and be the person they will come to with anything and everything.

My dd (15) is very happy. I'm not sure how I've helped her become who she is but, she's in to politics, green peace, and local issues (she's part of the LAs participation group). She's very confident on who she is and luckily through school and the participation group she's had lots of opportunities - ie she has shadowed different councillors within the council, been involved in presentations and conferences through school and the participation group. She is also a blackbelt in tkd and loves mountain biking. She isn't interested in showing herself off and has mostly boys that are friends, although does have girl friends too.

One thing I done when she was in year 7 that helped, was ban tumblr. She started becoming depressed, anxious and thinking about whether she was really a girl. I got rid of tumblr and put a thing on her phone where I could ban certain sites and see her history.

Another is that dd has always been so independent and able to meet her own needs. She takes responsibility for herself. I didnt do this on purpose, believe me she is the opposite of me when I was her age, but I had her at 17 and was quite immature. She used to wake me up for school when she was 4 and I matured alongside her! I'm now a really good mum, but she did have to do a lot for herself as I used to be terrible at adulting! Not awful negligence like no food, but things like being locked out as I'd forget my keys multiple times a week .

I have 8 and 10yo dds so I think about this a lot.

I also work in child and adolescent mental health, so I know what the research says: stable and routined homelife, involvement with sports protects against self-harm, having opportunities to gain mastery in activities they value, intervene early for bullying, allow opportunities for being independent.

Knowing that doesn't seem to help me, though! My dds are currently happy kids and I hate the damaging messages they are likely to be exposed to.

Good question OP. I have a dd about to start high school and feel so anxious abut the pressures she will face that I didn't have to.

We seem to have avoided a lot already by not yet giving her a phone and not exposing her to SM. I can see how that's helped, but also know that she needs a phone for yr 7.

In our extended family and friends, the teen girls that seem to be coping well are those with lots of outside interests and hobbies/activities and those with available, engaged parents.

That said I have colleagues who are v involved, interested and caring parents whose daughters are really struggling with self harm and eating disorders etc, so I don't think it's a magic formula and so much must be out of your control, - who they're friends with and influenced by at school etc.

I really rate sport in raising children.

Mine is happy. She gets up at 7am naturally, gets on with work, has a group of nice friends and likes walking and cycling, swimming, computer games. It's more accident really. But just talking a lot, asking how things are going, good diet, taking her out for exercise, making sure she has what she needs. Phones downstairs at bedtime rule from day 1 they get a phone. There is a pattern with her depressed friends. They're on the phone at midnight and beyond. Her phone buzzes away in the kitchen of I don't switch it off. Talk about plans for the future. Help them work towards it. Mostly I think it's genetic though. Her dad just wakes up happy.

My parents did well in this with us, I think it was to do with:

• Trusting us, so we didn't want to let them down
• Not having issues with stuff that didn't matter (clothes, hair etc) given that the things that did matter (school achievement, friendships) were just fine and they're the important bits
• Not battening down the hatches just because we were teenagers
• Having interests in common that we kept doing together
• My mum helped me have a positive body image by not doing down other women's looks and pointing out and admiring the beauty of all different kinds of women

I have a 13YO and 10YO.

There’s nothing they don’t talk to me about. So far, anyway.

They know I’m not judgmental, no question is “too much” (my Mum couldn’t even handle periods - whereas eldest DD and I have gone through trialling multiple reusable periods products together!), they each have their own private journal and then a journal that’s shared with me - sometimes it’s hard to say things and easier to write them down for someone to read and write a reply to.

I’ve raised them to know that what they see on screen is Not Real in terms of bodies. Photoshop. Make up. Surgeries. Etc.

I never use the words fat or ugly to describe myself or anyone else.

Having said that, 10YO DD is under CAMHS for self harming, anxiety, ADHD and ASD. We were managing well but Covid has cut off all of her outlets - gymnastics, art club, Park Runs, rugby and I am now struggling to get her to go back to any of them. She has also cut contact with her Dad who is a bigoted arsehole who doesn’t “believe” in Autism and that’s helped a lot.

@Echobelly your parents sound like they did a brilliant job.

My mum was always super judgemental (and still is) of other women/other women's bodies. It was awful for my self esteem, and has made me so completely the opposite when I talk to my DD.

Great thread!! Will be watching with interest...

I think that you let them know however bad/big the fuck up is, they can always come to you and you will always help them.

Spend a lot of time with them.

I've had 2 teen girls with issues. They both come from a stable home with patents who love them. I tried to promote a healthy body image. My eldest is autistic so obvious issues there anyway but my youngest was a happy, bubbly child who would talk to me about anything pre puberty.

What would have i done differently? I would have banned sites like discord and tumblr. I would have put an app like qustodio on their phones to monitor internet useage. I would have got them into a sport.

Lockdown hasn't helped of course. My oldest is out the other side thank goodness!

[quote Mollylikestodance]@Echobelly your parents sound like they did a brilliant job.

My mum was always super judgemental (and still is) of other women/other women's bodies. It was awful for my self esteem, and has made me so completely the opposite when I talk to my DD.

Great thread!! Will be watching with interest... [/quote]
Same. Always on a diet too.

Some really thoughtful responses, thank you everyone. I am reading and re-reading!

It sounds like social media can be a trigger even for kids who are otherwise ok.

I think it is about instilling self confidence, teaching them to trust their own instincts, giving them some resilience to peer pressure by ensuring they know it is absolutely ok to have their own views which are not the same as everyone else’s, and very importantly IMO not encouraging perfectionism. Ie it is good to strive to do well but sometimes good enough is good enough and perfection is not necessary.

That’s my view anyway

My happy 16 year old is sports mad and plays a variety of team, and solo sports which keep her busy, occupied, and has given her the opportunity to make like minded people, which has been brilliant for friendship groups at school. And in terms of body image, it helps with fitness and she eats pretty healthily so she can be competitive. She’s also not really interested in social media so doesn’t get caught up in the toxicity of that.

Re social media - I’m very strict on that.

My general rule for apps is this - if I don’t know what they are or understand them, they don’t get downloaded. If they are anonymous forums, hard no all the way. They don’t have Insta or Facebook or discord or tumblr (I used tumblr a lot as a teenager and it’s not the same place it was back then!)

We all have iPhones which is a HUGE help in regards to monitoring and restricting usage, and is the reason I’m happy to pay the premium price tag. (Having said that, we all had second hand ones until they crapped out and I got us contract ones - the first contract phones I’ve ever had and I’m 34 )

My dd is 16 and although very moody she does seem generally happy and seems to know what she wants to do. I think she picks up on where her 3 older brothers have gone wrong and the things that have caused us stress. I do wish she wouldn't spend so many hours on tik tock etc. She has friends who have gender issues and have taken to re-naming themselves every couple of weeks depending on which gender they identify with that week, but on the whole she seems happy with who she is and is confident.

@Babyroobs

My dd is 16 and although very moody she does seem generally happy and seems to know what she wants to do. I think she picks up on where her 3 older brothers have gone wrong and the things that have caused us stress. I do wish she wouldn't spend so many hours on tik tock etc. She has friends who have gender issues and have taken to re-naming themselves every couple of weeks depending on which gender they identify with that week, but on the whole she seems happy with who she is and is confident.

And to answer your original question we spend quite a lot of time with her, she has a very good relationship with my dh ( her dad) and he spends hours watching TV/ films, playing table tennis/ cooking etc with her so if she grows up to be confident and well rounded I will credit him with that, she has always been closer to him as me and her tend to clash a bit.

Yes, social media is poison. I allow my teens very generous use of phones, games consoles etc. I buy them nicer phones than me and DH have and we happily use their old phones when they get a newer one. They can send texts or WhatsApps to their friends whenever they want. They can chat in games. However, the other side of this is that Instagram and all social media (other than WhatsApp as they are in groups) are completely and utterly banned. They are both happy with the arrangement. You have to find some way that suits your child.

Mine's almost 18 now and we have a great relationship, even through covid and lockdowns we have had 2 what I would consider bad rows where there's been the shouting and drama that is stereotypical of teens and parents, and tbh I was as out of order as she was. And I admitted that and apologised, and I think that's part of it, I've always admitted my own bad behaviour and apologised for it, because I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes and I think it's important to acknowledge and accept them.
I've also included her in decisions, where appropriate. I've had the final say and have gone against what she wants at times, but I've included her in most decisions about anything and have taken her thoughts and feelings into consideration, and explained my reasoning behind things.
We also spent a lot of time together with a shared interest, and I trust her and have shown that I do, and when she's let me down I've talked to her about the concequences and have given her another opportunity to do it right.
I do though think it's not all me, she's had good family support and good friends around her too, and part of it, I really do believe, is her personality anyway.

Funnily enough, I had a similar conversation with my sister yesterday relating to Love Island.

Anyway, we both feel that social media plays a huge part in this feeling of inadequacy, negative body image, low confidence, low resilience and the like that many youngsters feel. I also think lack of focus on anything other than social media/mobile phones/YouTube isn't great, and having a variety of interests and hobbies outside of a mobile phone is incredibly important for mental well being.

I think that letting kids navigate through life themselves, with guidance from a parent/carer where necessary, is important. Someone fighting their battles for them isn't doing them any favours. And when they do something wrong then they need to accept the fall out and learn from those mistakes.

My dd is only 8 so I'm no expert at all and it's a complete learning curve for me- I worry for her all the time. But I do spend a lot of time working on her confidence, coming up with ways for her to help herself, encouraging her to stand her ground when necessary but also standing up for others when need be. It also helps that her 20 year old cousin, who is everything you'd want in a dd, is someone she looks up to. So I'm hoping for the best.

Although there are obviously some things that help I’m not sure you can be certain as partly it depends on the child. I have friends who’s oldest daughter is a lovely happy charming young lady. The younger one is really struggling- anxiety and eating disorders and school refusal. It’s the younger one who was the sporty one - school first teams in most sports plus out off school teams.

I’m pretty certain they were parented in the same way, but things happened, like death of a much loved grandmother, at different ages and had different impacts.

Until a few years ago I would have said my friends had a perfect happy family (there are boys in the mix too) and that my friends were much better parents than me. Their children all ought to be so happy on paper, but one of them isn’t and I don’t think it’s down to anything the parents could control.

Build confidence in her, install a sense of self worth & reinforce it all the time.
Admit you made mistakes growing up & that she can come to you with anything.
Don't interrupt or try to fix everything when she speaks to you.
Talk about everything even if it's uncomfortable.
Let her know she's loved & don't let arguments fester.
Encourage her to push back & ask the awkward questions.
Have absolutely no tolerance of sexism & misogynistic attitudes.
Don't pour cold water on their plans no matter how unrealistic they seem, she'll work it out for herself.
I might be in a minority but I've loved the vast majority of the teenage years.

I’m raising my girl to be opinionated, loud and not scared to back down in confrontation. It has made parenting her a bit of a nightmare but her confidence and sense of self worth is sky high and she is genuinely the happiest girl I know. She loves fiercely, stands up for what she believes in and people really gravitate towards her. She not a teenager yet (although she acts like one) but I have no worries about her. She’s ace.