If you have raised a happy teenage girl…

[MoaningMel]

How do you think you managed it?

My DD is 9 and I’m so worried about the world she is entering: self-harm, eating disorders, gender issues, school pressure, social media, friends etc etc

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

@HeadNorth

I have 2 fabulous teenage/young adult daughters - clever and successful in their very different fields with good friends. I am so lucky and so proud of them. I do think their lovely dad takes equal credit - girls learn how men treat women in relationships from their father more than anyone else. Their dad is lovely, adores them and adores me and I think that is priceless for any girls self-esteem. I think my wonderful, late dad is why I ended up with a similar man - kind, decent, non-macho and caring.

Apart from that, I was never a clingly, controlling parent - I had my own absorbing interests and friends outside the home, so my girls learned to be pretty resilient and easy going - I never had the time or inclination for helicopter parenting. I am not one for marching in and solving problems, but will listen and help them develop solutions/tools to cope.

We have had our share of tragedy and set backs but have always approached them as a family and I think a secure family unit gives girls a great springboard to take on the world.

I could have written this.

I mean, I absolutely agree that there is an element of luck (think back ladies to those who had a great sleeper or eater with one child and a terrible one with the other child), but, in terms of doing everything you can, this is my philosophy.

I have always encouraged and supported my dc to try to sort out their difficulties rather than charging straight in and resolved it. This starts from when they are tiny and they want a biscuit when you are out somewhere - they soon learned they'd have another biscuit more readily by "asking the person behind the counter" than coming to interrupt me and expecting me to get it for them - through minor things at school as they were in Infants or Juniors. I'd start by asking them what they had done to resolve whatever it was. By the time they were about 6 we'd have conversations along the lines of "What would you do if......", to get them thinking about how they'd respond when something went wrong, and could talk about why idea A wasn't so sensible but Idea B would work much better. (Say, neither of us where there to collect them when they came out of school or out of Beavers). This carried over easily in teens to questions about "What would you do if the crowd you were with started {insert drinking, smoking, doing drugs, abusing someone, etc} and you weren't comfortable with it?" as they got older / got more independence. Also not banning or pretending they were never going to do X or Y, but giving them knowledge - for example about the strength of different alcohol types or the sense in having eaten before or during the drinking or the sense of drinking a large glass of water between each drink or in keeping your drink with you at all times and so forth.

I have a happy DD16. Appropriate boundaries really help - wide enough to give them some leeway and the need to take some personal responsibility but narrow enough that they are relatively safe.

So we still imposed a bed-time until 14ish (not really strictly but in a "lights out by about 9.30 on school nights" sort of way) and getting enough sleep keeps her happy - she now chooses to have lights out 10-10.30 most nights whilst many of her classmates seem to be up until at least midnight judging by the messages she says she gets when she turns her phone on in the morning.

And although she had a phone at age 11, I didn't allow WhatsApp until 13 - on basis that I did not want to teach her it was OK to lie (that she was 13) - though soon after she got it at 13 they made it 16 and I then allowed her to lie! - you might say "it's just messaging" but it meant she missed on a whole load of bitchiness in the class chat that at age 11 I don't think she was mature enough to rise above but was by 13. Also no other SM until then - which actually meant she's chosen to never have it.

Giving her responsibility but not huge burdens; Giving her choices but within a safe range; Listening to her; spending time with her - as a minimum, eating lunch and tea together unless good reason to have to eat at a different time, but also just going for walks, chatting, etc; Ensuring she has some outside interests / friends outside school but that she isn't constantly out / at clubs / busy.

However, I should say that we have tried to treat DD and DS13 similarly and he is not a happy teenager, but that is I think mainly due to mental health issues he has had his whole life. Or maybe we just got lucky with DD and actually it's nothing to do with what we have done.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I really rate sport in raising children.

I think there’s a lot to this But find it hard that my kids (all girls) seem just not very good at sport. I’ve given them the opportunity to try lots of different things and find ‘their thing’ but it’s not really happened. Dd1 was quite into swimming and ballet but wanted to give it all up when she hit puberty. I pushed it for a while, gave incentives bribes to keep going another term but in the end just couldn’t keep forcing it. She and her younger sister are arty and musical but again eldest one was adamant about stopping instrumental lessons and choir. So she does no group hobbies which saddens me. She spends a lot of time writing and doing art but they are more solitary activities and I’m struggling to find groups for her to do that with.

I wish wish wish that PE at school would be more inclusive and help kids find their thing whatever their ability

My bf is a child psychologist and has researched this very thing. Her main points were:

1. Social Media is the root of a lot of anxiety, issues with body image, obsession with looks, and likes (reduce time on it to about an hour a day and don't allow some things)
2. Get them into sport. Makes them confident, fit and exercise helps with endorphin release. Makes their body be not about how it looks but what it can do.
3. Time to talk with parents about anything can be mundane as anything.

Help her to build self esteem. There is so much out there telling girls and women that they aren't good enough.

Tell her that she is fabulous that's she's brilliant. Share strong female role models and stories with her. Teach her not to be 'nice' all of the time. Girls are conditioned to please people (men mostly) and it's generally at their own expense. It's ok for her to politely disagree with people and stand her ground, and to say no when she feels wants to.

Teach her assertiveness and to have confidence in her decisions even if others have a different opinion.

Make sure she gets exercise and has hobbies she enjoys. A circle of friends outside of school is a useful safety valve.

Talk talk talk. All the time (that includes listening too).

Let her experiment with clothes and makeup, even if some of it is dreadful (the only line I drew was if she wanted to go out looking like a sex worker ! -she thanks me for that now )

I didn't manage some of these very well but have managed to raise a bloody wonderful young woman who is fierce, feminine, feminist and fabulous. She had more downs and difficulties in the teenage years than I would have liked though. It was tough for her at times. Mostly bullying and body shaming shit , hence the advice re different friend groups and assertiveness stuff.

It's a tough gig parenting a teenaged kid but keep talking. That's at the core.

My DD is quite happy we have the micro arguments over small stuff which is normal. She has a part time job and involved with sport.

We watch a few tv programmes together and share a love of baking, cake and our furries.

She isn't materialistic or into drinking or boys. I have always paid for any activity to keep her busy.

This is so interesting. Some great insight into the role of social media. Place marking...

Follow their interests, tell them you love the bones of them and don't worry about what other people think, do or have. Compromise and let them know that there is nothing you won't fight their corner on. Listen to them - not just what they say but what their behaviour is saying ...and be prepared to take a day or a week off to nip stuff in the bud.
Model good mental and physical health. Try to keep up any hobbies they have. Get a pet - the ultimate go between!

It can be useful to not get too hung up on the concept of ‘happy’. Their happiness will fluctuate wildly and you can have a strong confident 10 yr old, a resilient and engaged 15 yr old who suddenly goes through a massive wobble at 17, just as you sigh with relief that you’ve safely navigated the most dodgy stages of parenting.

Instead, focus on what she needs at the moment in the knowledge that it will almost certainly change down the line (so she might need hands on guidance and support now and later need space and independence).

My only advice would be don’t focus on what other kids are doing or perceived happiness levels. Instead keep communication open as much as possible (which will involve listening way more than giving advice) and regularly let her know that you are on her side and that you are there for her so she knows that she always has safe harbour.

Even the best parenting in the world can’t mitigate our dc facing challenges or keep unhappiness forever at bay but we can help equip them with the tools to understand that if knocks them down they get up again and that they are worthy of love and respect.

@FindingMeno

You forget all about the " you are their parent not their friend" and be the person they will come to with anything and everything.

This!!!! I've bought up 5 girls now. Build a close understanding relationship in which they feel they can come to you for advice/problems without judgement or anger and you'll be just fine

Thank you for these amazing pearls of wisdom I agree with a pp that what I’m really aiming for is resilience and confidence rather than 24/7 happiness. Also agree that a lot of what people are describing here is easy if you yourself are mentally healthy and were parented well, challenging if not. I have a tendency towards helicoptering so I should try to tone that down. It’s hard to strike the balance sometimes.

I have what seems to be a very happy, resilient and confident 18 year old DD. Having read a number of posts on this thread, there are a number of recurring themes I'd agree with

1. Encourage sport and nurture health over looks

1. Teach them to question what they read & see on SM. It build a healthy level of cynicism

1. Chat to them, and keep talking. Tell them about your teenage years, your mistakes, find out their thoughts and opinions. Teenagers these days are so well informed and have an ability to debate topics far ahead of where I was at that age

1. Have fun with them - take them to see the pop band you think are talentless, watch shit TV with them, you'll be amazed how much they have sussed out about life well ahead of you

1. Give them their freedom but always be there for them & don't over-react - middle of the night when their friend is throwing up drunk, when they think they've failed an exam, when they scrape your car learning to drive, when they lose their phone. So long as they are safe, they will learn from it all and know what to do (or not do) next time.

Research shows team sports help

What do you do if your kid is shit at team sports? I'm a fit, competitive adult. People who know me now can't believe I was one of the final 5 to be picked on pe days, but who wants a gangly speccy 4 eyes with no coordination on the team? Team sports works if you can actually do it.

I think raising a happy teen is pure luck. Dd has a charmed life so far, in terms of friends and life. Everything just... works. Whereas by 13, I had counted down how many days I had left until I could leave home at 18 and had already planned how I was going to kill myself, once I was old enough to go and buy enough pills from docent chemists and buy alcohol, because I really couldn't see any joy in my future. My family was, as far as I'm aware, fairly normal. But I was not a happy kid.

I became happier around 16, when I found my thing and found Saturday nights. And pulling.

I do watch my dc for any signs of depression, because I was always just told I was negative and too sensitive. Which didn't really help.

Already mentioned but sport helps, my daughter plays football which is great for her physically, mentally and for making new friends. Keep children off social media for as long as possible.

If you're child is no good at sport then a drama club could be good for them, I think any activity outside school is good for their confidence.

Spending lots of time outside from a young age - keep the walks going, take a picnic/do whatever. All weathers. It’s exercise but also shows them the world is not just in a phone.

Drama clubs. Honestly the best teachers and building empathy as a kid too.

Good state schools. These have been great for my girls. Academic but balanced. My kids have had excellent teachers and it has been so key.

Friends outside of school. Whether that’s scouts, old primary friends, neighbours - they need to know that school dynamics is not the only thing

My daughter is almost 14. She talks to me a lot and is still hugely affectionate.
She's into reading, athletics, martial arts, drama and singing.
She's a good student and has a lovely group of friends.
I've tried to be the opposite to my own Mum! So I do talk to her on a level quite a lot, treat her like an almost adult rather than a child. Seems to work well.
She has never had any social media including Snapchat. She only has WhatsApp to chat to friends, she's really sensible and totally got her head screwed on!

No tiktok either.
I will talk to her about mistakes I made, I will let her talk about anything with no judgement from me, I boost her confidence, encourage friendships outside of school.
We have things in common, we both love musicals and still sing in the car together but that will probably change soon.
One thing I hated as a teenager was if I moaned about a teacher or anything to do with school my parents always sided with the school, I try to be a lot more empathetic but also don't try and fix problems, just try to listen!

Very helpful thread.

Don’t give access to a smartphone at least before secondary school
Keep active physically
Learn new skills eg sports, creative, cooking
Give them space but check in with them regularly
Spend time just with them alone and listen to them
Ensure healthy diet and lots of sleep

I have three and they all seem genuinely happy

They did lots of sports and rode horses which I know isn't accessible for most but there's something about horses which teaches resilience and they give so much back

I always talk to them but don't push them. I rarely get angry. I am unshockable

Agree completely that girls will learn from how their father treats them and how their father treats their mother....huge influences on later relationships

I have a 15yo dd who has an eating disorder and I really don't think there's anything I've done to cause it. Sometimes you can do your absolute best to encourage and support your kids but they'll still develop mental health issues.

I find this thread a bit upsetting tbh.

Yes agree with giving space I was never given that either