If you have raised a happy teenage girl…

[MoaningMel]

How do you think you managed it?

My DD is 9 and I’m so worried about the world she is entering: self-harm, eating disorders, gender issues, school pressure, social media, friends etc etc

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

Place marking

Also, as other pp have said, be aware that you can do everything in your power to raise a happy child and they won’t always be happy. Mine is 16, so there’s still a way to go. I still believe talking and always keeping all lines of communication open is the most important aspect. Also important is trying not to be judgemental or trying to live vicariously through them.

I am following this.

My DD is only 8 but already she is in quite an intense friendship where she constantly talks about her 'BFF' and always wants to please her in a way that my son just never did. I can already sense the need for validation there and I'm not really sure what to do about it?

Try and do the best you can and trust your DD will navigate teenage challenges and come through the other side as a well balanced individual.
Trust is key: give her credit.
Social Media: you simply have to police this for as long as you can ( delay ownership to her own phone/computer; you must have access to all her online interactions and keep an eye on these as discreetly as you feel comfortable with and she needs to know you are keeping an eye on things for her own safety; you must have a location tracker that she has full knowledge of. Be clear and honest but stay one step ahead just in case)
Sport and hobby clubs: a must, anything she likes, is good at or both
Healthy routine: gently teach her about the importance of being on time, good sleep, hygiene, healthy eating, appearance. She will mostly follow the house rules so here you'd have to set an example and hope most of it will rub off on her
Let her be herself, she will be herself in the end so no point trying to shape her into what she isn't. Find it within yourself to admire and praise her unique qualities, skills and innate talents.
Tell her all the time that you are always there for her to make sure she has a safe home environment, social interaction etc, you are always available for anything (pick ups at 2AM from parties for ex., no questions asked if it's an unusual situation etc)
Give her space and facilitate interactions with her own peers unless she is particularly not very sociable in which case, as above, let her be herself. and remember talking whilst in the car gets out the most information from kids.
Most of all, enjoy her growing up and trust her whilst keeping an eye on how she evolves.
Good luck!

I don’t think it has changed that much since I was a teen. The most important things still are:

• keep your teen active with hobbies/sports/music - the less time they have to waste overthinking/hanging about/on social media, the better. Of course they do need some down time too, so let them learn to strike a good balance.

• do what you can (you don’t always have control) to encourage really good, healthy friendships. I was only ever happy as a teen when I had lovely, supportive friends who made me feel good about myself, rather than gossiped behind my back. Same applies to my DD. When she was 11/12 we made a big effort to encourage strong friendships with clever, kind and active girls which have stuck.

• listen.... and do not react when they are emotional/hormonal. Let them shout/scream/speak out and just listen. And if you don’t know what to say, take some time to formulate your response. It is OK to say I need to think about this/discuss with your dad/get back to you later

• always have their back with any issues at school/with teachers etc. I am not scared to be “that parent”. My DD needs to know I am on her side. Equally, I am not shy to admit her faults/shortcoming etc to teachers where issues have arisen

• too much social media can be very toxic. I don’t mind watching Netflix, chatting to your friends etc one bit - but trying to spend ages posting about your world when you have sports/music practice/homework - not for us. Some kids start early 11/12 posting on large WhatsApp groups too - I have always encouraged my DD to stay away from that a bit too (if groups a very large, it takes on a different dynamic).

• we have been lucky in that my DD is a musician so lots of her musical friends are the kind/academic/creative types. I am not afraid to send her on a selective musical residential, for example, and it means she can meet other people to widen her horizon. So proper hobbies can be excellent for that. They require commitment and keep them busy. It is normal for many teens to want to give up their hobbies at some point, but best to be patient and encourage gently. Taking a bit of a break/back seat for a while is OK.

I raised my daughter to be confident, brave, not give a shit about conforming, would come to me with anything. We were so close …then at 14 she started self harming, buggered off to live with her dad, failed all her GCSEs and now been booted from college. I’m not sure there is much you can do sadly. It’s pure luck.

We are only doing swimming and running, both solitary. I'm struggling to get her to do anything else. She hated football, dance and gym and school hasn't started netball and hockey yet. All her activities are solitary which is a concern

I don't think it's cause for concern. Swimming and running are fab. Not all girls thrive in team sports or competitive sports. My DD loves her team sport but there is some cliquey-ness in her club and some of the girls have the same issues as non sporty girls.

Honestly, some of the responses on this thread are way too prescriptive.

@StormBaby

I raised my daughter to be confident, brave, not give a shit about conforming, would come to me with anything. We were so close …then at 14 she started self harming, buggered off to live with her dad, failed all her GCSEs and now been booted from college. I’m not sure there is much you can do sadly. It’s pure luck.

That's sad. I agree a lot of it is luck

I think a lot of itis down to their dna. And as another pp has already said, be their friend, you want them to come to you with anything.

I have two teens. One is delightfully happy and the other is happy now, but has been through awful times -drugs, drink, ptsd after being attacked etc. I don’t know the answer. I think it’s who they are and their personalities. Be supportive, firm & fair.

Definitely sport. Mine were given the choice at 11 to pick any sport they wanted - they had to do something outside of school. I think it just gives them different friendship groups/peers/ confidence and something to aim at. If she is not particularly sporty there are lots she can try, and many aren't expensive.

Ensure they have good self esteem.
Don't value just grades but effort
Allow them to do part time work
Talk about everything and listen to their views- you will not always be right
Be prepared to not judge if they anything with you
Don't smack

Gradually RTFT OP but wanted to say this is a lovely idea for a thread with so many great contributions already.

It's good to know there are some wise souls to share advice as we head into the trenches (mum to an almost 13 year old DD here)

Pure dumb luck here.

But would say listen, just listen... do not wade in with what you would do do not try to sort out issues. Listen.

Be supportive of choices even when they go against your own... we are from a sciency/maths background, dd adored language and art...

My abiding memory of her early teens was sitting on the kitchen floor, newspaper everywhere, holding a cardboard skull whilst she splashed paint on it, and her saying "thanks mum, none of my friends parents would do this" (friends and their parents fiercely academic)

Made me feel I got something right.

I think a lot of it is luck so don't beat yourself up too much, op, if your dd turns out to be revolting at times.

Our dds are polar opposites in many ways and while we've broadly given them the same upbringing, I've noticed that my parenting has had to adapt to both of them. Dd1 is ambitious, adaptable and mature. However she can also be very waspish, proud and energy-sapping! Dd2 on the other hand is more sensitive, laid-back and easier company, however she can also be vulnerable, lazy and stubborn. Both are amazing creatures and I make sure they know I think that. At the same time they haven't been treated like total goddesses; they are well aware of the characteristics they need to work on in order for harmony to rule the household.

They've been given a very stable upbringing and have been accepted from birth for who they are. They come to me about absolutely everything, almost TMI at times as they know that nothing fazes me and no subject is taboo. We have a lot of discussions where I will often play devil's advocate, which is infuriating for them but also important for them to know there are other sides to every argument.

We have encouraged them to take part in everything, we've been lucky to provide them with that, and know we place a great emphasis on learning and asking questions. At the same time we also understand the importance to them of wanting to fit in, so have never placed embargoes on certain brands or styles of clothing, body piercings etc. If they can afford it (and they work so they often can) that's fine by us.

Another thing is to make them very aware of their value and to have strong boundaries driven not by what we say they can or can't do (it never works anyway!) but their own sense of self-respect and limitation. It's amazing how many of their friends seem to be caught up in toxic relationships and in an era where sexual coercion seems to be rife, it's so important to make them aware of this and fully comfortable with their ability to say no.

Can't contribute to this thread as my teen is too young but I do wonder if sport correlates to balanced/happy is a chicken/egg situation.

I was a miserable teen & I gave up all the sports I had loved because I didn't have the confidence to continue once I was bereaved & suddenly had the figure of an woman.

My teen is older than I was when I gave it all up & still keen on her sports so I'm hopeful for her.

My DD is 21 next week and an amazing woman who sailed through her teens (as did her brothers to be fair).
I just played it by ear. Didn’t overly worry. And one thing DD has always said she appreciated was that I very much had my own life so wasn’t living through hers.

One other thing I’ve just thought of is that my Nana told me when they were tiny that very few things are I unfixable or insurmountable. She was right.

Everyone makes mistakes. Parents and kids. Not letting them seem catastrophic helps.

I’m not saying never have consequences or anything like that, but knowing that mistakes can be fixed, and that their mistakes will be something they’re helped through and forgiven for is a good thing.

I am insanely proud of my 16yo DD.

In the last 5 years she's been through me and her dad divorcing, 2 house moves, ex starting a new family, and the long term illness and subsequent death of her grandpa in the middle of her GCSE exams, as well as the usual teenage issues and Covid mayhem.

She is not always happy, but she is resilient.

She knows where to ask for help/support and isn't afraid or embarrassed to do so. We have a very open, honest and trusting relationship but some things need an outside view.

She has hobbies that she can engage with and take refuge in when things are rough - plays guitar (self taught) and goes to the gym, and having joined our Youth Council at 13 became involved with their charitable arm and is now working for them part-time, helping organise events, fundraising and managing their website and social media.

She has ambitions for the future and a strong belief that she can achieve them.

I make a lot of time for her, which admittedly is not too challenging as it's just the two of us, although the last 18 months have been difficult as I've been caring for my parents.

I try to avoid being judgemental, although I will share my opinions, and whilst I encourage her to achieve, I'm not pushy.

I welcome her friends into our home (apparently they see me as the 'cool mum' 😁), but there are boundaries that they all know better than to breach!

Because I've always worked, there has been an element of 'benign neglect' in my parenting...she has taken responsibility for getting up and ready for school, doing her homework etc since long before secondary, although that does seem to come naturally to her so not sure I can take the credit!

Unlike many parents I've allowed her to have social media etc from about 12, but as I use it myself and am quite tech savvy I've felt confident about managing her use and the impact of it. Some sites weren't allowed, some got checked out before she was allowed to use them, I have always known her passwords and did intermittent spot checks on her history until she was about 15.

I also can't underestimate the value of picking the right secondary school for your daughter (together of course!).

I never envisaged DD choosing a single sex school but she did and it has been incredible for her. It's not right for everyone but I think their ethos and brilliant pastoral work has had a huge impact in the young woman she has become.

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

Dunno if DD is "happy". She is definitely confident most the time and has balance in her life. Maddening & worrying as they are, I enjoy my captive teens a lot. omg so much easier than parenting in primary school & earlier years.

Few things I did that I think worked well for us. Applies equally to my boys as the girl:

Help them see success in what they do, whether that's great baking or sport achievement or kindness or making others happy -- confidence & self-esteem gained from one thing they do turns into confidence when doing other things. Redefine success not as being the best but in making an appreciated contribution.

Risk taking. How could anyone be confident in face of challenges without lots of practice? They have to be comfortable risking genuine harm & failure to not to be too afraid of both.

Not believing I can control them or their lives.

Corrollary with last 2 -> Letting them take decisions I didn't agree with (within limits): so they can develop decision-making skills; they need to risk making mistakes and sometimes actually make mistakes, to get good at decision making.

Corrollary with last 3 -> Listening: Any time they want to talk, I try to listen. As they get older, my role became more and more as a sound board, someone they could trust to bring their problems to because I made time to listen. I didn't expect them to be perfect and would (mostly) accept their autonomy in deciding what to do next. They seemed to appreciate me asking tough questions or to define their priorities, because they knew the final decisions were usually still their own. And that I would help them if things went wrong, without making them feel miserable about their problems.

This bit of advice influenced me a lot: They say that kids who run wild (self-destructive) lack aspirations and lack self-esteem; you don't fuck up your life if it would fuck up your dreams and you know that you deserve a good life. Mine don't all have specific plans, but they know futures they want to avoid (like being homeless or in jail).

I may sound lax, there are boundaries, promise. Maybe because DC knew I was hardnosed about them having to face any consequences it made them cautious about doing too much crazy crap. I am grateful mine didn't want to hang out at the abandoned buildings* drinking & doing drugs.

*150 yards from my home, the local teens do exactly this, daily

Also agree with all the comments about sport and clubs - the healthier and more sociable IRL they are encouraged to be usually helps self-esteem, therefore happiness. I wish there were a magic formula, however.

Great thread, am bookmarking. Mine are 10 and 8 so not there yet. My DM is in her 80s and still tells me regularly that she’s lost or gained 2 pounds. Must be the same 2 pounds on and off. No scales in our house, or talk of diets or other criticising women’s bodies - this is one if my main aims, it did me no good for sure.

Doing activities out of school - sports and other things - which are either alone or with people other than their schoolmates may be helpful. Gets them out of that bubble, may help them be more their own person.

I'm inclined to think that mixed age activities are particularly good - with watersports for instance, kids interact with grownups, the older ones help the younger ones etc.

Risk taking. How could anyone be confident in face of challenges without lots of practice? They have to be comfortable risking genuine harm & failure to not to be too afraid of both.

@lljkk

Not believing I can control them or their lives.

Corrollary with last 2 -> Letting them take decisions I didn't agree with (within limits): so they can develop decision-making skills; they need to risk making mistakes and sometimes actually make mistakes, to get good at decision making.

@lljkk brilliant points.

My mum was very overprotective so I didn't get anywhere near enough practice at this stuff. I have always been determined to parent my daughter in a very different way.

@heidipi

Great thread, am bookmarking. Mine are 10 and 8 so not there yet. My DM is in her 80s and still tells me regularly that she’s lost or gained 2 pounds. Must be the same 2 pounds on and off. No scales in our house, or talk of diets or other criticising women’s bodies - this is one if my main aims, it did me no good for sure.

I say this gently, but still no guarantee I'm afraid. See my earlier post about complacency. We have never had scales in the house for the same reason. Guess what? DD still ended up with an ED. I tie my brain in knots trying to work out why. I think I know why actually, and it's a collision of a particularly unique set of reasons we couldn't control. But no matter. We spotted it too late and it had nothing to do with whether or not we had scales (or talked about weight - which we didn't).