If you have raised a happy teenage girl…

[MoaningMel]

How do you think you managed it?

My DD is 9 and I’m so worried about the world she is entering: self-harm, eating disorders, gender issues, school pressure, social media, friends etc etc

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

And no one is criticising parents whose teen girls aren't into sport. Or saying they're responsible for their daughter's eating disorders or anxiety. Many an overinvested parent has damaged the MH of their daughter by putting too much pressure on them to excel at their sport or music.

I've only got a 5yo but things I think would have helped my teen years would have been letting me fit in a bit more, not crazily but let me have at least ONE pair of decent trainers! The big one was not being embarrassed about normal bodilu functions. My parents refused to discuss periods, banned me from shaving legs and blamed my bad acne on sugar rather than taking me to the doctor because it was clearly hormonal - once at uni I got the pill and it was gone in a week! So, listening, being open to discuss tricky issues, regular check ins

Big believer in sport here, but I think you can replace sport with any other interest or hobby - music, art, fashion design, cooking. The main point is

• they have a second set of friends, they learn that school is not the whole universe! So helpful if things go wrong socially at school, and it also boradens their horizons. If everyone at school are doing tiktok and staying up late, my DDs friends from her activity don't do any of those things, which shows DD that there are different ways to do things
• they learn to fail succeed, motivate themselves, work towards longterm goals, to give up instant gratification to achieve something more valuable. Life lessons!

If you choose something they are reasonably good at, it helps build self esteem.

sorry loads of typos, I hope it made sense.

I do have a question: we limit social media, DD has none of it. I think this is best for her, but it also makes her something of an outsider... how to get the balance right? Limiting the time they spend on social media still doesn't keep them safe if you see what I mean. They can still be exposed to inappropriate harmful content. How do you strike the right balance?

My DD played basketball at primary but otherwise has never been into sport.

She's discovered fitness and the gym off her own back which I'd great for her although lacks the social element but she's found that in other places and by staying in touch with a few friends from.primary that went to different secondary schools.

In my experience parents who advocate sport tend to have enjoyed it themselves and found it a character forming experience.

What this doesn’t take into account is that lots of other people either don’t like sport or don’t get much out of it.

Also I have found those involved in sport to be completely unable to grasp that character can form without involvement in sport//music etc

I read, walked, hung out with pals, listened to music. My parents wanted me to be involved in sport but they accepted me for who I was and that’s what gave me confidence.

Maybe it’s more about accepting your kids for who they are provided being that is making them happy

@merrygoround88

In my experience parents who advocate sport tend to have enjoyed it themselves and found it a character forming experience.

What this doesn’t take into account is that lots of other people either don’t like sport or don’t get much out of it.

Also I have found those involved in sport to be completely unable to grasp that character can form without involvement in sport//music etc

I read, walked, hung out with pals, listened to music. My parents wanted me to be involved in sport but they accepted me for who I was and that’s what gave me confidence.

Maybe it’s more about accepting your kids for who they are provided being that is making them happy

No, you are wrong. Music, theatre, dance - I did it all. Lovely. But sport is important for different reasons, not only for exercise. In my experience its parents who hate sport that don't encourage their kids to do it. Sad.

@Bryonyshcmyony I hated sport (well playing it anyway) but I do encourage my children to do it and they seem to enjoy it.

I just think that it’s maybe not quite so important as you might think.

Horses for courses I feel

Not my experience @merrygoround88

I was never any good at sport, but I introduced my dc to different opportunities until they found their 'thing'.
My dc2 was in the 6th form before she found her 'thing' in terms of sport. She now excels at her sport.
dcs1 and 3 both enjoyed trying different sports but neither were ever "good" at sport. But what we are talking about here, is 'belonging' and committing to something and forming a bond with other people whose lives aren't dominated by social media alone. As has been said many times, it doesn't have to be sport, but sport has other advantages over the advantages brought to the party by belonging to things outside of school.

Regarding sport, I agree that you shouldn’t force it, but some sort of physical activity is essential for mental and physical health for everyone. It’s as essential as a good diet and sleep IMO.

@MoaningMel I agree. It releases happy endorphins and a sense of achievement. It's easier to be fit and healthy when younger and hopefully leads to a happy, healthy adult life as you're in that routine.

I've always hated sport but I'm going to make the effort now with my DD. It must be amazing to be part of a team - football, rowing etc. And it's emphasis on participation and not on looks etc. Sounds fantastic.

My DD 14 is happy.

She plays sport at school after school.

She's on social media a lot chatting to friends.

She likes meeting friends of friends to make new friends and makes new friends in different classes.

She gets very tearful and angry during her periods so needs hugs and space.

I have a happy 16 year old DD, and I think much of comes from her own independence and self confidence and the fact that she's got through school without being bullied. She's very much her own person and avoids drama, and is good at keeping out of bother/gossip etc. We've always respected her boundaries, eg she's not cuddly, so I've never pushed that (I'm not a hugger either although I do cuddle my boys a lot as they are big huggers).

A few years ago I made it clear to DD that if there was ever anything troubling her that she didn't feel she could tell me, that she could go to someone else (my friend, her friends mum), which I think took any pressure out of her thinking she might need to tell me something that I might not like. We've always been firm but fair with our kids, they know that if we say no we meant it but that we'd always explain why so that they could understand even if they didn't like it!

Until recently she hasn't had her phone on her room overnight, and in her early teens we (DH) kept an eye on apps and so on.

We've not pushed our kids into sport although they have never been told no to wanting to try new activities, and as they've got older they've found their thing. DD is more of a daredevil than her brothers and we've always celebrated this, we've tried to allow her to be herself, and even if I do say so myself, she's a really lovely young woman. If I had to pinpoint one thing that underpins her being happy, I'd say it's not having been bullied. She and I are very alike but I still carry the insecurities of having been bullied as a child/teen and I'm grateful every day that neither she or her brothers had to experience that.

My happiest DD is dyspraxic so sports are an absolute misery for her. The best thing we ever did was not push her into any of them. She walks the dog and often swims or plays a bit of tennis with friends for fun, but anything competitive just makes her feel like a huge failure.

She's actually about to start at a (US) university that requires students to do a PE course each year, so she's starting with health and wellness, and she'll probably do some swimming, yoga, Zumba, and maybe an intro to horse-riding.

Unhappiest DD was a very successful volleyball player at high school, but unfortunately another team member and close friend committed suicide.

She goes off to college early next month for her third year, to start pre-semester training. She's currently working out how to cover her self-harm scars so that new team members don't immediately judge her. I'm sure the physical activity is helping, but it brings its own stresses.

I'm immensely proud of how she copes despite her mental health struggles. It's nice when we do manage to raise happy teens, but when not possible it's also very very important to be there for them, support them, and love them.

Bumping as interested to read and comment later. Wonderful thread!

In our extended family and friends, the teen girls that seem to be coping well are those with lots of outside interests and hobbies/activities and those with available, engaged parents.

This! IME it's all you really need to do (and it's actually all you* really can* do at the end of the day).

Appreciate some of the responses saying that a child’s happiness is not particularly within our control. I’m sure this is true but I hope there are things parents can do to help. The activities thing hadn’t occurred to me before but actually it makes total sense - I think one of the most difficult things about adolescence is the sense of aimlessness and having hobbies must help.

It definitely isn’t something we can control but we can influence it.

I grew up with an abusive mother and absent father so I tend to do the opposite and it’s not failed me (or my DC yet).

DD1 came to me earlier to ask if it’s possible to remove pubic hair, what the options are, how much it’s driving her bonkers and revealed that it’s thick, black and growing down her thighs.

We discussed all 3 total removal options, and just trimming it. She’s settled for trimming it for now, especially as she realised most removal options are tricky/painful (anyone else had Veet on their bikini line for a tad too long or is it just me?!) and when I said “do it in the shower and clean it properly because I’m not rinsing your pubes down the drain” she hit me with a pillow which then resulted in a 10 min pillow fight.