If you have raised a happy teenage girl…

[MoaningMel]

How do you think you managed it?

My DD is 9 and I’m so worried about the world she is entering: self-harm, eating disorders, gender issues, school pressure, social media, friends etc etc

How do you equip them to weather these challenges?

Corrollary with last 2 -> Letting them take decisions I didn't agree with (within limits): so they can develop decision-making skills; they need to risk making mistakes and sometimes actually make mistakes, to get good at decision making.

I couldn’t agree more with this.

Kids need to make mistakes and bad choices while they have parents to bail them out so that when they go to Uni, move out or go away for a week or holiday with mates they’ve experienced making those decisions.

I also think different settings so they have different friends - be it a hobby, a job, a volunteer thing - is massively beneficial so that they experience different people and have an escape if school friendships struggle at any point.

Not having all their eggs in one basket can help.

Here are my top tips:

Being a teen is about trying stuff and making mistakes. I lt's ok to make mistakes. But it's also important to do what you say you will do, to treat yourself with respect and to treat others with respect.

Forgive and don't hold grudges. Model this for her.

Remind her that friends make mistakes too and that it's ok to forgive and also remember. Twice is a pattern, not a mistake.

She needs to know that when she's in a difficult situation (eg a party or worse) and/or where she's broken rules, that you will drop everything and come and get her. Don't make her so fearful of breaking rules that she hides everything. (She's going to hide some things).

Be relaxed about LGBTQIAPP2. It's seems to be discussed everywhere. My dd told me that she knew that if she ever needed to 'come out' it would be no big deal, but that many of her peers were scared of parental reaction or rejection.

Set guidelines based on how you all treat each other and other people. These are non negotiable.

Tell her that you expect and trust her to do the right thing. But that sometimes this is the hardest thing to do. Be supportive when it's hard.

When they mess up, say you get it and that you can figure it out together.

Get them to blame you for everything that they are uncomfortable with. Get them to tell her friends that you won't let her/that you're seriously strict. Let her blame you as the get out clause. Don't try to be friends with her friends.

Try (where you can) to let them figure out how to fit it with peers.

When friends post at ridiculous times on social media, offer to post something late that she has prepared - so she can sleep.

Slowly here and there share good money tips. But dont stop them buying little things that might seem crap..Let them realise they wasted their money. Don't say I told you so.

Happiness isn't a constant thing. We all have ups and downs, bad times and good times. As a parent I'm aiming for them to not derail completely, and to be able to come to me if they struggle. I don't think we can aim for them to be always happy. But you can guide them so that mistakes don't seem like the end of the world. Parents who think their tennis always happy, might be missing things...So don't be fooled by that. We can only do our best, and learn as we go. Teens and parents both.

Great question OP - you have good reason to think about this.
Top quality thread mumsnetters - I must plough through it and add something.

@shallIswim would you mind sharing the combination of circumstances? Or is it too outing?

[quote StepladderToHeaven]@shallIswim would you mind sharing the combination of circumstances? Or is it too outing?[/quote]
I shall be vague, but she was diagnosed with an on going health condition which affected her self esteem. It's crap and continues to be. But the ED is more crap.
Also she is a perfectionist high achiever. Just is. Not something we nurtured.
In retrospect a perfect storm.
Not having scales in the bathroom did not immunise her

@donkeymcdonkface

Definitely sport. Mine were given the choice at 11 to pick any sport they wanted - they had to do something outside of school. I think it just gives them different friendship groups/peers/ confidence and something to aim at. If she is not particularly sporty there are lots she can try, and many aren't expensive.

No, not 'definitely sport' - neither of my now adult/nearly adult daughters were remotely sporty. That is cool with me - we don't all have to be the same. One is artistic and it is a hobby she continues as a stress release from her job. The other was into drama and still loves the theatre when she gets the chance.

Forcing them to do a sport 'for their own good' is a prescription for raising unhappy children, if you ask me.

Thanks @shallIswim. Glad to hear that she is recovering now.

My two are early twenties now so I have come out the other side. There have been ups and downs with both of them but they are now doing brilliantly and seem very happy.

This is how I approached things with the girls. It wasn't always easy, I was working full time and they always seemed to want a conversation at midnight, but I aimed for consistency and calm and with time it worked out:

Don't sweat the small stuff (don't nag about wet towels on the floor, keep conversations cheerful and the atmosphere at home nice, make friends welcome)

Never judge them or their friends, but do discuss how things could have gone wrong from things they get up to.

I didn't ground anyone or take phones but did talk a lot to them about safety when incidents had happened.

I stayed strong, calm and in control (even if furious or upset inside).

I was always there to help, always able to pick them up/organise a taxi and get everyone home/fed.

Academically they were both high achievers but there was always the worry that things wouldn't go to plan. We always discussed what the plan B, C and D would be. They knew if things didn't go well it wasn't the end of the world.

Setbacks were expected and discussed; resilience and character is formed from picking yourself up from setbacks and making new plans.

It is also a huge amount of luck. There is no magic formula.

PS mine weren't into sport either

Great advice from Mapless.

Whilst I agree with a lot of these, I'd say one of the most important thing is give them space to grow and be themselves. If that's sport, politics, theatre then awesome, but it might not be something so seemingly main stream, my daughter is a kickboxing anime loving, head to toe black clothes, self confessed 'freak', one of her best friends is an avid gamer but also a grade A student heading to med school but I doubt does any exercise beyond school PE. Both girls are awesome and happy in their own ways.

So if your DD follows the beat of a different drum, encourage it and be ready to let them be different.

Be aware that yours will be different from everyone elses.

The best book on parenting i have read only today. DD is sixteen.

It is about leaving the parenting manuals aside and trying to understand what is going on in their brains which affects how they behave.
I found it really helpful.

Its called 'How to build a human' What science knows about childhood.

It is also a really funny book which makes you laugh out loud!

The author Emma Byrne has also written:

'Swearing is good for you'

which is 'reassuring about swearing in front of your kids'.

As for what one poster said about

being 'strong' 'calm' etc. That is just looking at things through rose tinted specs.

You can't possibly do that all the time. You won't. You just won't. Sometimes you will be a quivering heap of worry and sometimes just plain cross.

I would aim to work towards 'good enough'.

Good enough. The book will help honestly it is worth getting

Being heavily involved in sports and music made feck all difference here tbh. My more sporty, more musical one is also my unhappier one //shrugs//

My unhappiest one has ADHD, OCD and various other disorders.

If I'd realized this earlier I would have parented differently in some ways. Girls don't present as ADHD in the expected ways, especially if they are academically high achieving. I didn't suspect ADHD until she was 17 and she flatly refused to consider a diagnosis for several more years, which made her life harder.

Some things are out of your control. One of mine hates sport as she is not naturally good at it. I have to encourage her out of bed most mornings and she is still wandering around her pyjamas right now. Drives me insane. I suspect adhd. She's overall quite a happy girl but we have our ups and downs. With all children you have to help them discover something they are good at, even if that's baking a cake. Mine is a phenomenal singer so that gives us something she is interested in talking about.

Teen are really frustrating as they never want to spend time with you when it is convenient for you. Mine wanders in and sits on my bed when I want to go to bed

I disagree with the poster on p1 who said forget the “be the parent not the friend” stuff. Yes you want them to come to you with stuff but that should be because they know you have their best interests at heart and also are their strong rock in any crisis. That doesn’t mean not setting good boundaries.

[quote ZZTopGuitarSolo]Being heavily involved in sports and music made feck all difference here tbh. My more sporty, more musical one is also my unhappier one //shrugs//[/quote]
Mine also v musical (truly loves it too). But while
It hasn't made her immune to an ED, I do think it may have mitigated in terms of giving her focus and real happiness while participating.
So don't think of activities as a vaccination against, but as a mitigation.

Marking so I can revisit later

Sport will only help if your dd likes sport! But it only falls into the general category of ‘hobbies’ at the end of day - it won’t shield them from being buffeted emotionally

The key is to find a sport that they do like. I disagree sport is just like any other hobby. And yes, sport can build resilience which does help protect them from being buffeted emotionally.

Like Mapless said you want them to know that whatever happens you will help them first and get cross later (paraphrase)
You want them to think “I’m in deep shit, I had better call my Mum” rather than “I am in deep shit, I hope my Mum doesn’t find out “

@Bryonyshcmyony

Sport will only help if your dd likes sport! But it only falls into the general category of ‘hobbies’ at the end of day - it won’t shield them from being buffeted emotionally

The key is to find a sport that they do like. I disagree sport is just like any other hobby. And yes, sport can build resilience which does help protect them from being buffeted emotionally.

Not everyone likes sport. It is not compulsory for a contented life and should not be forced. Actually listening to your child and drawing out their interests is far better parenting than insisting they must and will do a sport.

We are only doing swimming and running, both solitary. I'm struggling to get her to do anything else.

Not that there is any need to do anything else, but triathlon seems a natural step from there is she were looking for something else.

Or mine got into watersports as they (strong swimmers) got into their teens) - tried their hands at kayaking, rowing, sailing and one or two others.

For those saying their dc don't like sports, the thread is about things that often help. Sport is right up there. However it doesn't mean you have to be keen on sport to be happy and well balance, nor, of course that by liking sport you will never have any issues. People are talking about there being a correlation.
Sport (and I'd say Scouts and things like Cadets once they get to 14) have the advantage of all hobbies outside of school - different friendship groups, and friends who are also into spending time doing constructive stuff rather than hanging round on street corners - PLUS all the endorphins that come from exercise, PLUS all the benefits of being physically helpful , PLUS (with many sports) the advantages of fresh air and natural light that come from being outdoors.
But, there will always be exceptions.
People are talking about things that are statistically likely to help.