What has someone done to make you see then in a different light

[NeedyNora]

General chat post. Curious.

@Susannahmoody

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this.

Are you serious? Do you feel you know how her mother treats her?

My mother is so charming but she hurt me and she will not acknowledge it, will not discuss it, offers up no explanation at all, she is the wounded martyr, my hurt is an act of aggression i perpetrated against her!
She believes im cold and cruel.

I think you are very unsupportive to your friend.

[quote Sharingthesamedream]@Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear, was your mother by any chance in the “troof”?[/quote]
Whats a troof? X

Offered to lend a neighbouring mum my carpet washing cleaner when her DC had tracked mud in from the garden.

"It's OK, I'm going to have an accident with a bottle of bleach," she replied.

I was baffled until I realised she planned to make a fraudulent insurance claim. I never saw her on the same light after that.

Likewise, years later, a colleague in a very well-paid role who laughed as she told me she was planning an accident with a cup of coffee because she wanted a new laptop.

Nah. Not good.

When my friend uninvited me from her daughters christening and being God Mother because i'm Pagan and her husbands family were Catholic.

Didn't speak to her again after that.

I was talking about this to a friend the other day. I remember a few examples:

• at a meeting of examiners we were told to help ourselves to tea, coffee & biscuits. The biscuits were those cheapish ones that come in two’s wrapped in cellophane. One man who I’d chatted to at other meetings and seemed ok, proceeded to cram his pockets with packets of biscuits say ‘They don’t pay us enough for this job.’

What an idiot! Skanking free biscuits worth pennies. I never spoke to him after.

• someone videoed the inside of the house of her best friend X’s parents. They were hoarders, their house was piled high with bin bags and a bit dirty and untidy. She was passing round the video and laughing. I refused to look saying ‘I don’t think X would like people to be looking at that video.’ Really shitty thing to do.

What really worries me is : what have I ever done which someone might remember? Not many I hope! -

My stepdad. Cuddly, genial, caring, intelligent bloke. My mum died suddenly with no will unfortunately, so step dad inherited the family home that me and my siblings had grown up in (my dad had died years before that.) Mum had always said that we would inherit the house...step dad also said that the house was clearly ours and that he'd honour her wishes. Well, he did leave it to us...but turns out that he also put a massive charge against it in favour of his own children so that when it is sold, his kids get about 80% of the value, as well as his house too of course. Nice!

Got asked to be a witness at a friends wedding. 2 weeks before, we've been uninvited, apparently due to restrictions. Her hubby2b has issues with my husband, and is incredibly controlling. Most likely he has said we're not to come. Have since found our, she feels I havent been a good enough friend these last 15 months, despite the fact I've had to work solidly through this all, have suffered terrible anxiety, had to support my poor 6 year daughter, who's struggled and missed so much school and a hubby who's had to work from home. She has also invited other people since uninviting us.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I confided in my colleague (she was the only person at work I told about my diagnosis). After I returned from sick leave she never once asked me how I was or offered any support. It was as if I had never told her.
18 months on and she still has never asked even when I tell her I have a hospital appointment she never asks.
I really regret telling her.

A friend who revealed he had secretly gobbed up in someone’s mug of tea as he didn’t agree with their politics and believed them to be a racist. I could never trust him or see him the same way after that. He was in his 50s too so to old to be doing things like that

@CatrinVennastin

School mum friend who often rubs people up the wrong way and is considered unfriendly by lots of people.

My DH was rushed to hospital and spent three weeks in ICU.

My friend had my kids pretty much everyday plus got shopping in for me. She made cakes with them and kept them busy. She had two school age kids and a baby at the time.

She was the only one who offered me practical help.

I love this. Its when the shit hits that you realise who the good people really are. So many times the people who clearly see themselves as the good people, big up how supportive they are, just wash away when your life turns to shit. And its the other ones who step up and show what they are really made of.

Couple of years ago I went to a hen do. I couldn’t make the whole weekend but made the effort to be there the second evening.

I didn’t know many people so I was abit nervous. My friend who was also going reassured me she felt the same and we would be ok and stick together.

When I arrived on day 2 she didn’t even acknowledge me! Not even a hello. I felt very uncomfortable. Her best friend was there who clearly doesn’t like me and was pretty rude in front of me and excluding me..one of the other girls even commented it wasn’t nice… whilst my “friend” just stood there.

I was embarrassed and upset but tried to brush it aside and join in as best I could. We ended up playing party games and when she learnt she was on the same team as me she looked annoyed (all whilst her bestie laughed behind her about it) Later when her best friend was busy elsewhere she tried to make simple conversation and basically be like how I knew her but by then I felt the friendship wasn’t worth it. She only wanted to be my friend when it suited her. She used to be someone who cried to me about her anxiety, told me how much she hated bullies etc… I saw her in a completely different light that evening and haven’t spoken to her since. I considered that bullying. I went home and cried.

I've mentioned this before on MN, but the female member of a couple we were friendly with made a disgusting comment about Downs' syndrome children (to the effect that they shouldn't be allowed out where "normal" people were) and it was so shocking I couldn't even speak.

DH and I ended the friendship - but I'm ashamed to admit I didn't have the courage to tell her why.

@NeedyNora

General chat post. Curious.

But are they actually designer clothes... ..or are they the fakes that are flooding the market?

You'd be surprised how many people are romping around in fakes

@Batsy

When my friend uninvited me from her daughters christening and being God Mother because i'm Pagan and her husbands family were Catholic.

Didn't speak to her again after that.

But I presume the christening was a christian religious ceremony to the family then, rather than a social do. It was about her daughter becoming part of the family of Christ and the role of the Godmother is to support her child in the Christian faith. If you are a pagan you can't do that. I wouldn't have taken it personally if I were you. It was just about the nature of the ceremony to the family.

My ex best friend had an affair with one of her good friends husbands. Then she slept with my then husband. I left him, and I've never spoken to her again.

Someone I know, inherited a dog - it had been their Mum's beloved dog for 10 years. They got it put to sleep (no illness) and bought a puppy. In fairness, this is the last in a long line of awful behaviour. This person was also contemplating accusing a colleague of sexual harassment, that did not happen, as it would help in a tribunal case at work.

An acquaintance who appeared to be perfect - accomplished Cook, seamstress, Gardner, musician - lost my respect when I saw her being nasty to her dd, 7, because she had her top tucked into her skirt, instead of out. She later had an emotional affair with my DP. Not a nice person.

@Susannahmoody

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this.

How bloody judgmental. I'm sure there are reasons for her being NC. Maybe you could support her instead of judging.

I was NC with my abusive narcissistic mother for very good reasons.

@Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear it’s a religious denomination that expects the exact same thing,God 1st,husband second and kids last.They say they’re the only religion that follows the troof (truth).

I would add to my previous post that it made me see DP differently, too.

She said 'All lives matter' in the wake of the death of George Floyd. Wouldn't accept the inequality in the world. Never spoke to her again.

@GhostsInSnow

My 'uncle'. I use the term loosely.

My paternal Aunt and he were my godparents, been in my life every step. Christmases, birthdays etc. Aunt called me most weeks, doted on my children etc. Aunt sadly developed cancer and died aged 57. Uncle ghosted us then eventually cut the whole family off and never contacted us again. My children, who loved him to bits, were devastated and couldn't understand why.

I realised at that point that my 30 year relationship with him was just a facade to placate my lovely Aunt.

My dad did this! My mum died and he cut off all that side of the family saying they weren't his family anymore. It was so strange and I was so shocked! And I had to face anger and blame from my cousins, and later questions when he was dating months after her death.

@Sacreblue

Grandparent who I felt didn’t ‘approve’ of me but when I had DC was really supportive, especially breast-feeding.

Changed how I saw her, improved our relationship greatly and I was very glad I had the opportunity to see another aspect of her and forge a better relationship before she died.

That and an opposite experience has led me to see people in a more nuanced way and I am the better for it.

Good subject for a thread Nora

Just wanted to say it's lovely to read an opinion which changed for the better.