What has someone done to make you see then in a different light

[NeedyNora]

General chat post. Curious.

@IcedSpice. I agree. Everyone handles grief differently and maybe the grieving process involved mental health issues. When my husband died I lost the will to carry on, and I did much the same thing for months until a family member intervened and got me some help. Actions perceived as ‘ghosting’ and ‘cutting contact’ could just as easily be a breakdown because the bereaved person can’t cope.

My ex neighbours and I were always on good terms, our same age children played together, went to school together etc. Their marriage broke up, DH & I helped with practical stuff when asked, I provided a shoulder for her to cry on many, many nights, we just gave general support. Discovered marriage breakdown was due to her having an affair - but, none of our business so we said nothing. She eventually moved out & married him.
Before the wedding she called round, apologising that we weren't invited but it was a small family affair with intimate meal for them afterwards. No problem, we were just glad she was happy. And we were.
A few weeks later I ran into a mutual friend who was surprised she'd not seen us at ex neighbours wedding, and told me how we'd missed a "great do with a live band, disco..."
I still see ex neighbour but she gets short shrift off me now. Not because we weren't invited to the wedding, but. because she lied. To my face. I despise liars.

Worked for years in a small office with the same team - all female. We worked closely together as our jobs were inter connected. We were all friends - did lots together outside work etc. Our manager left at short notice and being the senior staff member; I was temporarily promoted while they looked for someone to fill the post. The attitude of every single person in that office changed overnight towards me and the atmosphere turned hostile. Suddenly ‘problems’ which had never occurred before, started to turn up regularly, they were unco-operative and there was a lot of whispering in corners. I found out later, by chance, that I was more or less totally excluded from after work socialising. After a few months the management decided to make my promotion permanent and suddenly, magically, we were all ‘friends’ again. I was never able to see any of them in the same light after that and left for another posting not long afterwards. I carried that experience with me as a life lesson.

I was working in a special needs unit at a primary school and one woman seemed really lovely. Then we had some supply in to cover sickness, the supply was a bit eccentric, but harmless enough, and this woman made fun of her constantly behind her back calling her ‘weird’ etc. It really unsettled me because a lot of the kids we had in the unit would be classed as ‘weird’ when they grow up.

A good friend wanted to come and stay, I told her it was very inconvenient because my DD had just had an operation and was due out the day before.
Se arrived, told me my underwear (on the line) was far too frousty and I wouldn't keep my husband (she's never married), and then disappeared to an interview. If she'd said could I come to stay over because I've got an interview nearby I wouldn't have minded.

When I was 13 my family moved to a new town about 90 minutes away. A couple of months after we moved my mum and I went back to the old town for the morning as my mum was meeting a friend in town. We had arranged for me to meet up with an old school friend so we could have a wander round the shops whilst my mum and her friend had coffee. Lovely. We got stuck in traffic on the way there and arrived at our agreed meeting place about 15 minutes late, and my friend had already gone. We tried calling/texting and no reply. She never followed up to ask why I wasn't there (assuming she left because she thought I wasn't coming). I was heartbroken as I was about to start a new school, no friends yet etc. Never saw or heard from my "friend" again. My mum is still friends with the woman she was meeting for coffee, though!

I was quite close to my aunt ( dad's sister) growing up, spent summers with her, etc. When I was 20 and away at university, I was suffering a serious bout of unrequited love with a boyfriend who was mostly stringing me along and playing games. I spent many hours on the phone with aunt discussing the ins and outs of this relationship, 'why doesn't he love me' sort of thing. There was nothing dangerous going on though.

My mum and I weren't very close at that particular time. At some point my aunt called my mum and told her every single, juicy detail of my relationship that I had confided in her. It was solely to get one over on my mum in a 'oh, you didn't know Henny had a boyfriend, didn't she tell you, well she's on the phone with my every night' sort of way.

Of course my mum let slip that my aunt told her everything I said and I was so angry that my trust had been betrayed. It was so petty of my aunt. Sadly, I made a mental note never to tell her anything again, our relationship never really recovered, she died about five years later. All for a few minutes of joy gloating to my mum.

Thought of another one. Sweet girl whom I used to babysit from when she was 3 and became friends with the mum. Went over for a party when she was 12. She and a couple of friends went and shut themselves in her room away from the grown ups. I went up to see if they wanted food and could hear from outside their door talking about when and how they'd like to lose their virginity. The way they spoke to each other was bitch this, bitch that, effin this, talking about sucking big black dicks etc.... I didnt knock and went back down in some sort of daze.
Awkward as the mum always praised herself on how lucky she was to have perfect kids.
Told her a bit of what I'd heard and her reply was dd probably didn't partake. Fast forward 2 years and mum called to school after dd was caught in compromising situation with a boy and suspended.

*My 'uncle'. I use the term loosely.

My paternal Aunt and he were my godparents, been in my life every step. Christmases, birthdays etc. Aunt called me most weeks, doted on my children etc. Aunt sadly developed cancer and died aged 57. Uncle ghosted us then eventually cut the whole family off and never contacted us again. My children, who loved him to bits, were devastated and couldn't understand why.*

I realised at that point that my 30 year relationship with him was just a facade to placate my lovely Aunt.

Obviously, I'm a stranger and don't know the dynamics, but I agree with PP that his behaviour might well not be deliberately unkind.

He might have always seen his role in the family as having arisen because he was married to the blood-member of the family, and now that she has gone, he may even feel like he doesn't have the right to be part of the family any more - like he was an outsider, allowed in by association, and now an outsider again.

Maybe he's utterly devastated and the thought of contact with 'her' family pushes him right over the edge. He might even deliberately be trying to forget her too - possibly hating himself for doing so - if the pain of remembering her is just too raw.

He might have found love again with somebody else and think you will consider him a traitor to your Aunt's memory and thus disown him in disgrace anyway.

More mundanely, it might not be any kind of active desire to 'ghost' you, but a lot of men depend on their wives to manage their whole social calendar, make contact and keep the relationships going. They're very glad to come along and do love spending time with everybody, but they're just utterly hopeless at doing anything off their own bat.

I myself have an Uncle like this - he's a nice man and we spent a lot of fun time together when we and our cousins were young, but since my Aunt (the blood relation) died, we just don't really seem to have any link, so the channels of communication have just ended up closing organically. I don't have any real contact with my cousins now either; if I see them on the very odd occasion at a funeral, we get on well, but they have their lives, I have mine and they just don't really correspond any more, now that the links - their Mum/my Aunt and my Mum/their Aunt are no longer with us.

Bold fail

I was told by a friend that children born from IVF didn’t have souls. I have never been able to get over that.

@Marriedatfirstyear

Thought of another one. Sweet girl whom I used to babysit from when she was 3 and became friends with the mum. Went over for a party when she was 12. She and a couple of friends went and shut themselves in her room away from the grown ups. I went up to see if they wanted food and could hear from outside their door talking about when and how they'd like to lose their virginity. The way they spoke to each other was bitch this, bitch that, effin this, talking about sucking big black dicks etc.... I didnt knock and went back down in some sort of daze. Awkward as the mum always praised herself on how lucky she was to have perfect kids. Told her a bit of what I'd heard and her reply was dd probably didn't partake. Fast forward 2 years and mum called to school after dd was caught in compromising situation with a boy and suspended.

Wait a minute, you're judging a 12 year old over this? A 12 year old who talks like that has obviously been exposed to some pretty unsuitable stuff.... they need advice and support, not judgement.

DS has one Jew and one atheist amongst his godparents

The vicar said they both excellent choices, as they are committed to their beliefs and have great integrity

I'm very surprised at this - particularly the atheist. The function of a God[parent is to support the person being baptised in their faith and help them to develop it.

As for being "committed to their beliefs" and "having integrity" - you could say that about the worst of racists and eugenicists. They are committed and have strong principles - but they aren't necessarily ones you'd want around your child.

Personally I wouldn't have an atheist godparent because how can they support a faith they don't believe in? Where is the integrity there? Lovely, honest, generous people they may be, but not appropriate as godparent.

Similarly a godparent of a different faith stance may find a conflict of interest supporting the Christian faith.

Very surprised your vicar was comfortable with this.

I agree, SchadenfreudePersonified - it's not about friendship, honesty or respect, it's simply a defined role from which they are clearly self-excluded.

I'm quite surprised that somebody would want to take on that role, personally - it reminds me of when vegetarian Hilary Benn was offered and accepted the job in charge of DEFRA, a very large part of which involves supporting, advising and advocating for livestock farming. Plenty of vegetarians and vegans are perfectly tolerant of others' dietary choices, but I still wouldn't expect them to want a job as campaigns manager for the Meat Marketing Board.

This feels like a petty thing but we had two families round for brunch. One friend asked what she could bring so I said pastries. She bought some plain and some chocolate croissants ( only 4)I'd done lots of bacon, sausages and eggs and toast. There was also lots of fruit etc. When it came to serving people things she gave herself and her two children chocolate croissants and didn't offer anyone else one.
I'd been thinking about cutting them up and sharing them round all the 8 children that were there. It did make me feel differently- I think I always prioritise fairness and sharing and it seemed selfish.

I went out with a group of friends for a meal. The waitress made a mistake about something on the menu which she first said was vegan, but turned out not to be. She was apologetic but the guy who's food it was, went ballistic at her and was really aggressive, saying it was even more important than if he had had an allergy. It really created an atmosphere as no one else knew what to say after his outburst.

Two ‘friends’ at work made my life hell during my pregnancy. I had severe health Issues and I was in and out of hospital. I was petrified... then the pandemic started. We work in a highly professional setting (ie need degree to do the role etc). The fact people who I considered as friends would do that during a time when I was at my most vulnerable has changed my opinion on them. It’s made me more guarded with other people as well. A shame really.

I had a friend, she has twin girls the same age as my DS2 - we met at schoolgates and got on really well. Went shopping, days out, even a 10 day holiday with her and her DDs. Had joint parties with all the kids.
She had an older dd who was a right bitch. She'd left home and into a teenage refuge house at the time.

I split with my DH, who she'd described as the 'best husband of the group' of about 6 of us ladies. We went on to divorce.

She then moved house, changed email, no landline, changed mobile number - and dropped off the radar completely. About 7 months later, I got a 3 line email from her; I ignored.
A further 6 months later I got a further email, complaining that I hadn't contacted her in over a year! I emailed back, asked if I should have used telepathy, maybe? I then got an email back from her eldest daughter (by now back living with her) telling me what an awful person i was, how it was 'lucky' that my kids had ExH as I was such a terrible mother, how I had 'let' my exH go so that I could go out with other men, and that I was 'stuck in the 70s' (?) - no idea why she thought she could write this stuff to the 'friend' of her mother's, but she'd obv got all this stuff from talking to her. Her Eldest dd had never even met my XDH! And only met me a handful of times.

Very wierd. I still see exfriend in Tesco sometimes, and I just smile and avoid.

@Homebird8

I was told by a friend that children born from IVF didn’t have souls. I have never been able to get over that.

Homebird8 I'm so sorry - I'm assumig you have a child born via IVF - that anyone should have distressed you like that. What an absolutely appalling thing to say to you - quite apart from being obviously wrong. God gives life, whether it started in the primeval sludge and evolved, was grown in a petri dish or an egg or a womb; and souls come from Him not of earth.

Susannahmoody

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this

Well Obviously you know the mother MUCH better than her daughter does! It doesn't matter, does it, that the daughter may have really good reasons to be NC? Reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you? Maybe if you knew what her reasons were, you'd find it's the mother who is the nasty one?

I also get a lot of this about my father (NC for 30+ years - people jsut cannot understand how I can be NC with such a lovely man. He's your father - therefore he must be a lovely, helpful, loving man like fathers are supposed to be?

And I must be the nasty piece of work.

DH and I had been friends with another couple for 10+ years. They came to our wedding. We went to theirs - DH was his best man. She was my best friend and godmother to my DS. Confided everything in eachother.
Then one day she cheated with her BIL's best friend. Who she had only met once or twice. This one night stand turned into a full blown affair that I found out about a YEAR later.
She was considerably concervative and very prude. I was blown away to learn that she cheated. She expected me to keep her secret while she decided between her DH and lover.
She led me to believe that she loved her DH and realised that her affair was a huge mistake. I said I would support her.
She then packed her stuff while he was at work and ran off with her lover. Leaving a huge trail of devastation in her wake.
I would never have believed she was capable of something like that. We're no longer friends.

A friend who was really animal-y, always going on about loving them, outspoken about animal welfare gave her hamster to an animal shelter. She'd rehomed pets before but this just took me aback. They live 3 years tops.

Changed the way I thought as made me wonder whether the unfortunate things that happened to her in life were bad luck or brought on by poor planning, not thinking and not committing. Still friendly with her but changed the whole way I looked at her.

This is ongoing, but I judge people who don't support women's aid or women's rights charities but they will support charities for rescue dogs, and they will drive around with a lost dog for hours looking for its owner. What is going on there? Do they want to be a hero? what happens to people that they rank animals above women? Very odd. I see it a lot on my fb though. Won't say or do anything but . I observe who comes first to them. Women or dogs. And it's dogs.

One positive one: I have never gotten along with one of my brothers and always considered him to be selfish and mean. Then I saw him with his two daughters and saw what a loving, active, devoted father he is to them. It made me feel like he had a good side I had never seen. Or maybe that he grew up into a decent person when I wasn't looking.

@PearlNextDoor

This is ongoing, but I judge people who don't support women's aid or women's rights charities but they will support charities for rescue dogs, and they will drive around with a lost dog for hours looking for its owner. What is going on there? Do they want to be a hero? what happens to people that they rank animals above women? Very odd. I see it a lot on my fb though. Won't say or do anything but . I observe who comes first to them. Women or dogs. And it's dogs.

This seems such a bizarre way of looking at things. Why does it have to be one of the other?

For those who you see posting on FB about women's aid or volunteering at a rescue shelter, do you not think 'hang on, what about children with terminal illnesses?'. Well it's obvious this person puts women above children!'

And for those who support children's cancer charities....hang on, what about neonatal units and charities who support babies?

Where does the comparison end?

Some people support dogs trusts, but it doesn't mean they DON'T support anyone or anything else.

Some support Mental Health charities, but it doesn't mean they don't care about bereaved parents

Some support cancer charities but it doesn't mean they don't care about homelessness

Ad infinitum