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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

What has someone done to make you see then in a different light

491 replies

NeedyNora · 06/07/2021 07:36

General chat post. Curious.

OP posts:
a1poshpaws · 07/07/2021 22:29

My absolutely fantastic, wonderful neighbours, who've now become great friends. My lovely husband & I had known them on a friendly basis but not been all that close, for the 25 years we've lived near them. Since I lost my husband, they have completely taken me under their wing. They've been there for me when I've just been broken emotionally, propping me up with support and bottles of gin! They've seen to everyday practical stuff that I'm not physically able to do. They've lent me money because in the early stages I wasn't coping with the loss of approx £1500 month income (and as my husband and I ran an animal rescue I still have lots of feed/litter/ hay/ vet bills etc) and the lovely lady of the couple calls me every single night for a chat & to check I'm ok. I knew they were good people, but this has truly opened my eyes to just HOW kind they are.

Cowbells · 07/07/2021 22:34

@Arsebucket

People judge me for being so cold and uncaring towards my father, but they have no idea of the so called life I’ve had with him.
Don't feel guilty. My dad is very sick right now and people are cooing and fussing over him. I feel so guilty until I pause and remember a fraction of the things he did to me. You know why you are not the devoted adoring daughter. You have good cause.
BirdsandBeesmakinghay · 07/07/2021 22:37

@a1poshpaws

My absolutely fantastic, wonderful neighbours, who've now become great friends. My lovely husband & I had known them on a friendly basis but not been all that close, for the 25 years we've lived near them. Since I lost my husband, they have completely taken me under their wing. They've been there for me when I've just been broken emotionally, propping me up with support and bottles of gin! They've seen to everyday practical stuff that I'm not physically able to do. They've lent me money because in the early stages I wasn't coping with the loss of approx £1500 month income (and as my husband and I ran an animal rescue I still have lots of feed/litter/ hay/ vet bills etc) and the lovely lady of the couple calls me every single night for a chat & to check I'm ok. I knew they were good people, but this has truly opened my eyes to just HOW kind they are.
That’s so lovely and heart warming to read.
Mustreadabook · 07/07/2021 22:40

@endofjune

Unfortunately mine is my dad. Absolute hero growing up and I loved him so much. Then he took up with another woman a couple of months after my mum died. Sad
Sad but probably a product of grief. My dad was completely rudderless when my mum died. I bet he doesn’t see her as a replacement, he just can’t cope alone. And your Mum would want to see him happy.
tunainatin · 07/07/2021 22:42

Mines a bit hard to explain. I've had a big decision to make recently that only really affects me. But a couple of friends gave been really over-invested in it, and it's made me realise that they need me to be a certain way to justify something in themselves. It's not made me not want to be friends anymore, but it's really changed how I see the friendships

endofjune · 07/07/2021 22:43

I’m sure my mum was delighted to know her teenage children were left to it while the man in his fifties couldn’t cope alone and replaced her in weeks @Mustreadabook Hmm

Cowbells · 07/07/2021 22:43

When DC were tiny we live on a terraced street and down the road were some notorious teenage twins who were 'trouble.' I went to a coffee morning with a mum near them one day when suddenly I realised DS1 (toddler) had vanished.

He had dragged a stool to the front door, opened the Yale lock and wandered into the street. The dodgy twins had found him, taken him back to our house, discovered we weren't in and were standing in the street with him gently asking him if he remembered which house he'd been playing at.

We moved away soon afterwards but I have always wondered what happened to them and if they lived up to their dodgy reputation or their good-hearted natures.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/07/2021 22:45

I had some very good fortune financially and when I told a friend I considered fairly close, I never knew what a ‘look of hatred’ was until I saw the jealousy in her face. It was so apparent that I was actually stunned, there was covering it up. Awful.
I’d previously got her out of debt with loans, twice, the second she never fully repaid and then this ‘look’ - it was shocking. I’ve backed right away now.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/07/2021 22:47

@tunainatin

Mines a bit hard to explain. I've had a big decision to make recently that only really affects me. But a couple of friends gave been really over-invested in it, and it's made me realise that they need me to be a certain way to justify something in themselves. It's not made me not want to be friends anymore, but it's really changed how I see the friendships
Weight loss surgery?
Shinysilversloes · 07/07/2021 22:49

Years ago a friend who pulled out of a house purchase, after arguing with the seller, because the seller wouldn’t leave her pink Venetian blind in the house when she moved !!!, and complaining to me about it

And another time telling me about swearing and shouting at a car salesman, when he phoned to apologise, having made a mistake on her car purchase.

I realised how horrible she was then, and totally unreasonable she was

Angelil · 07/07/2021 22:49

@MrsAvocet agree. I was in a weird situation in 2017 whereby my husband and I were separated for 4 months while we tried to coordinate an international move. It was actually best for me to continue in my job during that time as the notice period would have seen me working to the end of the school year anyway. So basically I ended up doing a mix of couch surfing, AirBNB and hotels for 4 months (rather than paying double rent) so my husband and I could actually afford to see each other occasionally during that 4 months. Crisis brings out the best and worst in people; one lady whom I had previously had a somewhat prickly working relationship with put me up for a whole week and another colleague (whom I had always got on well enough with but wouldn’t have said we were friends per se) put me up for 3 weeks…which totally floored me and I was very touched by. By contrast others whom I had considered friends and who had the capacity to offer me even 1 night (though I appreciate nobody owes anybody anything!) just dropped me like a hot potato…never asked how I was doing or anything.

Motnight · 07/07/2021 22:49

SIL called her dd a cunt to me. Her dd's crime - staying in bed past 10 am at the start of lockdown last year. It was said with such venom and hatred.

Bard6817 · 07/07/2021 22:52

Sister…. rang me to tell me she was coming to stay. i was chuffed, was a good 300 mile trip for her and was the second time in 15 years she was going to make the trip to see me…. then she asked if i could get her robby williams tickets at the o2. I agreed and decided to get her backstage with him as a surprise.

She rang a few days later and to up the ante, i told her they were all sold out, so it was gonna be a struggle. Then she said, oh…. i think i won’t be able to make it then…

I was gobsmacked….

I took a friend and ended up meeting RW and then got included in his entourage in an after party.

Parents……

They Arranged a trip to London and i suggested they come stay at mine for a night or two, i would arrange a meal to meet my fiancé’s family and i was excited that theyvwere coming. They came to london, didn’t reply to texts or pickup calls until Sunday night, 8pm…. Told me they were going back to Scotland the following day did i want to meet them for a curry in Bayswater in half an hour…. I had to apologise and cancel arrangements with the in laws, my fiancé never forgave them, i never did either.

When my mother died, and i went to the funeral, my dad told me my mother’s cancer was caused by me. In the living room, there were pictures of my sister, the dog, everyone else that was related, apart from me.

i spent three years in therapy dealing with wanting to commit suicide, the underlying cause being clearly, a dysfunctional family who treated the dog better than me. Ultimately, i had to cut off my family, and it’s now been a decade since i’ve spoken to them.

Sorry if that sounds like a rant - The decade since has been the making of me, i ended up a multi millionaire, met a new partner, adopted her two girls and retired at 51 and now give my time and support to charities and other good causes. I have no regrets, and no ill will towards my relations, they just mean nothing to me now. Dealing with it, helped me be a happy person.

Confusionensues · 07/07/2021 23:00

One of our couple friends, who are so lovely, funny, kind, supportive..talk to waiters like shit 😟one of my ultimate pet hates, I was gobsmacked the first time, but it’s happened twice now and I can’t get my head around it. It’s a sort of snobby way of acting about the food. Both wonderful, polite people and genuinely lovely in every other circumstance!

Marriedatfirstyear · 07/07/2021 23:01

A friend who had her car window smashed. Insurance got it fixed but she put in false claims for a designer handbag, 2 pairs of designer sunglasses, Babour jacket, babalat rackets and trainers. She literally hadn't left anything at all in the car. She's a sahm with a husband on a 6 figure salary, lives in a 7 bed house and kids all in private school. Slowly distanced myself after that.

Trevors · 07/07/2021 23:06

A friend was bursting to tell me and dh that her husband had very unexpectedly discovered he was actually the product of his mother’s extra marital affair not that long after he his (now known to be non-biological) father had died (he had nursed him for months beforehand)
A week or so later they came to dinner. She started by blithely saying to her husband ‘I know you asked me not to tell anyone anything about this yet, but I’ve told Trevors EVERYTHING’. The look on his face was just awful to see. She proceeded to spend the whole evening gossiping about the situation, he hardly said a word, just sat there looking wounded. We constantly tried to change the subject but she would not be distracted and didn’t take any notice of her dh clearly being upset. She treated the whole thing as if it was a soap opera, no acknowledgment of her dh’s feelings whatsoever.
Sadly, he suddenly died of a heart attack a few months later. I can’t help think that the stress of his situation was exacerbated by her behaviour. She just didn’t give a shit about his feelings if they got in the way of a her telling a good story. If her own dh couldn’t trust her with a very personal secret, there is no way she would respect anyone else’s.

feebeecat · 07/07/2021 23:08

Friend of over 30 years, supported her through many (many) dramas in her life. At the start of the first lockdown she told me she wouldn’t be in touch again as she was going to concentrate on herself, wished me and my dc well and said goodbye Shock

Hawkins001 · 07/07/2021 23:15

Not so much a single person but more collectively, as threads on here show, a relationship can be all stars and romance, on the surface, the whole marriage, and with dc, a stable and good family unit, then the other half sees a text, or has a gut feeling and well, you just never know.

The other , films, tv, alias, the unit, spooks, covert affairs, the agency, la femme nikita, true lies, ect you just never know who your really talking to, joe or Mary that's a computer sales person, or Joe and Mary that's a secret operative. Etc.

Alannawhorideslikeaman · 07/07/2021 23:20

A friend told me my news about being engaged had been trumped by another friend's pregnancy. I didn't realise it was apparently a competition Hmm but I've never felt the same about her since. It was such a rude thing to say.

Anonmummyoftwo · 07/07/2021 23:26

Know a girl who I thought was lovely at first and felt bad as she said she struggled with infertility issues and had a number of miscarriages till she tripped herself up on dates for her latest one said she was due start of September but miscarried at 6 weeks in may. The number off miscarriages she has seems to change all the time sometimes it’s 5 then 3 etc

Walkingtheplank · 07/07/2021 23:28

A friend adopted a 3 year old. Beautiful sweet boy. After 3 or 4 weeks she realised that not all toddlers are as easy as her very easy natural child (sorry if not correct phrasing) and gave him back. By all accounts there was no actual issue, his behaviour wasnt bad etc. It was just hard work. I've since realised that she always takes the easiest option and is a bit of scammer (which reminds me she was late telling work about it so she could keep her adoption leave) but I think it's pretty unforgivable to have disrupted the boy's foster arrangements just to hand him back.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2021 23:39

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Mothership4two · 07/07/2021 23:49

I had a longterm and very close friend, who married later on in life and had a stepchild. She treated this child almost like a rival and made them uncomfortable when they came to stay "just in case" they decided that they wanted to live with them (the SC came once a year for a couple of weeks). She was quite open about it. There was an endless list of pettiness. Dropped her like a stone shortly after.

Also, a schoolmum's dh always came across as cold and aloof and wasn't well liked, but when my dh was seriously ill, he couldn't do enough and was warm and supportive. I have a lot of time for him now.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 07/07/2021 23:52

I have a long term chronic illness and one of the side effects is that it affects fertility.
I know another patient who was 10 or so years older than me.
She went through many rounds of fertility treatment through the NHS and privately to no avail.
I had fertility treatment and after two years it was successful.
She cut me off and then I was diagnosed with cancer.
She knew about it as one of the consultants and her were good friends. The consultant told me that I should contact her as she didn’t feel she could call me.
I was so taken aback and didn’t say anything.

In hindsight I should’ve reported the consultant for discussing my health with someone else.

The things is the other patient is a distant family friend and I know someday I will bump into her.

Mothership4two · 07/07/2021 23:56

There have been some posts about DF's having relationships not long after deaths of DMs. My elderly neighbour began a relationship 6 months after the death of his wife and his children were very upset - which he in turn found upsetting. When we talked about it, told me that "I now know how short your life is and, if you are going to do something, just get on and do it while you still can"

Don't know if that helps

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