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Original poster

My husband died suddenly today

478 replies

vickibee · 06/07/2021 01:57

And I don’t know what to do. It has not sunk in yet and I only know it happened at work around noon.
I don’t know if there is anyone up to talk to I just feel I need some human contact

OP posts:
Original poster
vickibee · 21/07/2021 09:41

So today is the day he is Lad to rest, the funeral is this afternoon. I don’t know how I am going to get through the day.
Up to now it hasn’t felt real but this is so final.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 21/07/2021 09:59

I'll be thinking of you this afternoon VickiBee

Original poster
vickibee · 21/07/2021 10:17

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 31/07/2021 11:21

So sorry Vickibee.

Hope you're doing ok. Lots of love to you & Alex 💔

Original poster
vickibee · 31/07/2021 11:45

Thank you everyone
I'm some respects it is getting harder everything was 100mph leading up to the funeral. Now we have his ashes back and I have too much time to think. TBH this is the lowest I have felt. I have to stay strong for my son but life is going to be so different now.

OP posts:
lobsterkiller · 31/07/2021 13:12

Im so sorry, i always think after the funeral is the worst time as the lead up is such a busy time with arrangements. i have no words of wisdom or comfort but thinking of you and your son. x

Herecomesthesun70 · 31/07/2021 14:15

One of the good things about MN is that there is always someone here. Anytime you need to talk you can.

Trying to settle into a whole new way of life will be hard but you'll get there.

AlmostSummer21 · 31/07/2021 21:33

Biggest 🤗 hugs xx

Leading up to the funeral, there is so much to do and plan & so many people in & out, after the funeral things go quiet and people's lives go back to normal and there's this horrible realisation that yours won't, that this isn't a 'hold it together & you'll get there' type of thing. That the funeral doesn't undo the awful thing that has happened to you.

You do learn to live alongside it, it's different for everyone of course, but it doesn't stay this 'raw' & intense. Promise 💐

Lots of love & strength
Xx

Original poster
vickibee · 01/08/2021 00:16

So I have been at my friends house this evening, she made a nice lasagne and good company. I feel guilty that I was doing a normal thing like somehow I am betraying his memory. I know it sounds really daft to think like this because I have to try to do a little something.
I

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/08/2021 00:30

As others have said it's understandable you will feel this way at times. Please take advantage of the bereavement services on offer to you and your son. Very best wishes Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 01/08/2021 00:31

I hope your friends still rally round as this bit can be quite tricky to get through.

I found it strange going from "my dad died yesterday" to "my dad died (longer gap)" It felt like I was losing a grip on the feelings and losing the right to feel shit even when it is normal to be still in the worst of the grief. I think what I am trying to say is you are going to feel all sorts of different things and none of them are wrong, feeling guilty for moments when you forget is normal, it is all a horrible mishmash of everything.

urbanbuddha · 01/08/2021 00:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please don't feel guilty about doing a normal thing like going to your friend's house. Your husband would have wanted you to have support.
Flowers

Original poster
vickibee · 02/08/2021 08:05

Thank you everyone
Finally I got the death certificate on Saturday so I can finally get round to admin stuff. The registrar stuff was done over the phone which was a shambles. I was in a queue for ever, your call is important to us etc. It took me d has to get through which is not what u need when u r bereaved. I do not know where to start but do realise longer term I am going to have to find a full time job, not easy when u have a disabled teen. I am going to be excluded form UC becuase of the death in service benefit. We will be over £2k down in wages. I earn £1100 for my part time hours, we have no mortgage so I guess we can manage for the time being. DS has asked now we are going to manage , I am sure we can get by but he says he doesn’t want to move house. These are all things for another day.
It seems so distasteful of me to worry about all this but I have ds to think about. Does anyone have any advice please of the best way forward.
I

OP posts:
TheABC · 02/08/2021 14:56

Big hugs, OP.

I think you will be eligible for the bereavement support payment:
www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

Longer-term, is DS eligible for PIP? Would this help cover the costs of looking after him, if you are in full-time work?

Original poster
vickibee · 02/08/2021 16:18

He is 14 so in receipt of dla, he converts to pip aged 16.
My little job was for extras so to speak, and to keep me sane. Longer term I will look for more hours. I have been told I am eligible for the bereavement payment
Having no mortgage is the saving grace but I may need to downsize longer term.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 15/08/2021 19:05

Hi @vickibee. How are you and your son doing ?

labazslovesliving · 15/08/2021 19:11

I cannot say how sorry I am and I know you are in unbearable emotional pain. it could be worth talking to your doctor maybe he can give your something to help you sleep in the short term? take care xx

Original poster
vickibee · 15/08/2021 19:15

@SunshineCake
Thnx for asking. Unfortunately I am back at work tomorrow and not looking forward to it at all. They have subtly been applying pressure for me to go back.
I am struggling if I am honest and feel like my life will never be the same again.i can be triggered by the smallest of things. I cry a lot and can't face going to bed on my own. I don't know how I am going to face the future on my own . I feel so lost.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 15/08/2021 20:29

Of course life will never be the same. You've lost your best friend, husband, your future as you imagined it. You will feel happiness again but right now you need to take care of yourself and do whatever you need. While I think work are awful to out pressure on you I would go in tomorrow and if you need to leave early then do so.

Someone very important to me lives in Halifax and I think of them when I think of you and my heart just breaks for you Flowers.

herewegoagain202106 · 15/08/2021 21:06

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

Original poster
vickibee · 16/08/2021 05:58

I am sat here crumbling at the thought of facing work.
Even though people mean well I can’t cope with the constant questions, I know that I am going to burst into tears at some point.
Before DH died we had talked about me resigning because he’d got a much better job, now the reality is I am going to have to get a job with more hours longer term. ☹️. Not easy with a child with additional needs.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 16/08/2021 07:30

You don't have to answer anything you don't want to and really, please don't worry about crying. Anyone who has a problem with it, or feels uncomfortable, should get their brain in order.

I hope it goes better than you fear but if it gets too much, go home Flowers.

Oblomov21 · 16/08/2021 07:38

So sorry to hear this. Thanks
Bereavement leave is pants isn't it? As if you're get over your mum or your Dh in a week! Hmm

Original poster
vickibee · 16/08/2021 19:45

@Oblomov21
Yes the only way I could ensure a reasonable amount of time off was via A medical certificate from my GP. I have been there ten years with barely any time off
So today wasn’t as bad as I had feared, I just kept to myself and quietly caught up. The hardest thing was facing people becuase they don’t know what to say to you and you to them. I had a few tears and I am sure I will for a long time to come.
Thank you all for all the kind comments 🌸

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 17/08/2021 07:07

@vickibee it sounds like it went better than you feared. My thought is that you don't need to say anything you don't want to and you definitely don't need to say anything to make someone else feel better. It is time we all learnt to how to speak to the bereaved better. Flowers. How is you son doing?