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My husband died suddenly today

478 replies

vickibee · 06/07/2021 01:57

And I don’t know what to do. It has not sunk in yet and I only know it happened at work around noon.
I don’t know if there is anyone up to talk to I just feel I need some human contact

OP posts:
DiaryofWimpyMumm · 07/07/2021 11:39

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

DianeCherry · 07/07/2021 14:24

Utterly heartbreaking Vicki, I'm so terribly sorry. Grief is a painful journey but one that does eventually come to an end. I wish you well on that journey with all my heart.

SunshineCake · 08/07/2021 07:44

I've been thinking of you too. I'm a Northerner but now live in the south Sad. I hope you were able to take some comfort from your friends visit last night and that your son did too.

vickibee · 08/07/2021 10:38

I felt ‘normal’ for a couple of hours and I kind of feel guilty about that.
I am so tired but can not sleep or eat I am just heartbroken 💔
I have just had some flowers delivered and the card says from memorial bench fund, no idea who that is. My house is like a florist I have run out of vases.
Everyone means well xxx and I have been overwhelmed with kind messages and support

OP posts:
poppym12 · 08/07/2021 10:53

I'm so very sorry to hear thisFlowers. My thoughts are with you and your son xx

SunshineCake · 08/07/2021 17:56

Please don't feel guilty at having a moment of feeling normal. You can't live your life in constant grief. Eventually you will have, and need, little moments of your new normality and one day you will smile again. Whatever you feel and whatever you need to do is 100% okay. This is your loss, your life, your son and you need to be you Flowers.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2021 05:19

vickibee Thu 08-Jul-21 10:38:38
I felt ‘normal’ for a couple of hours and I kind of feel guilty about that.

This is a completely normal reaction - both you feeling "normal", and the subsequent guilt.

But humans aren't built to be constantly crushed under grief, we do start to adapt. We never "get over" losing a loved one, but we start to learn to live with the grief and pain, and it becomes our new "normal". So please, allow yourself to feel whatever without getting guilty about it - because it's your self trying to cope with your new situation. x

imtheglue · 10/07/2021 09:22

I’m so sorry for your loss, my children lost their dad 2 years ago, my daughter has ASD and was a similar age to your DS.
If your son is in a Barnsley School then Compass is the mental health service offering support for young people in most secondary schools.
There is also TADS. However, their waiting list is very long.
You can try Barnsley Bereavement Service for some support too. If I can offer any advice please feel free to PM me xx

Charley50 · 10/07/2021 11:16

It's so tough OP. It's awful when well-meaning people say 'they're in a better place now' or they are 'at peace now.'
These comments may be appropriate after a horrific illness, or for the very elderly, but not for a young-ish man. But people are just at a loss of what to say.

And it's ok to feel ok sometimes even I early stages. You need some respite from grief. Very soon after my DBro died, me and family spent a night talking and laughing hysterically about him. It felt weird that we were laughing but it was a release.

NimbleHippo · 10/07/2021 12:05

How dreadful. I am so, so sorry.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2021 05:19

How are you doing, @vickibee?
Are people still checking in on you and making sure you're ok?

vickibee · 13/07/2021 06:03

Yes everyone has been amazing. I didn't realise what good friends I had xx
So the coroner has released him back into or care. The cause of death was calcification of the arteries😕😕so the funeral is going to be 21 July. I am trying to pluck up the courage to go see him in the Chapel of rest. I think I'd regret it if I didn't.

OP posts:
vickibee · 13/07/2021 06:05

@thumbwitchesabroad
It still feels like a bad dream as nd I am feeling angry of the time he has been robbed of

OP posts:
Skybluepinkgiraffe · 13/07/2021 07:25

So much love, @vickibee Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2021 07:33

@vickibee

Yes everyone has been amazing. I didn't realise what good friends I had xx So the coroner has released him back into or care. The cause of death was calcification of the arteries😕😕so the funeral is going to be 21 July. I am trying to pluck up the courage to go see him in the Chapel of rest. I think I'd regret it if I didn't.
I'm glad you have lots of support, that's good to hear.

Re. the chapel of rest - I've seen 2 grandparents in similar, and it DID help, bizarrely. Mostly to realise that what makes them them (whether you call it soul, spirit, or whatever) is no longer there. You are just looking at the "clay" that remains - and to be honest, they do look rather like waxworks of themselves. What I, personally, couldn't do was touch them (although I did cut a lock of my Nan's hair off).

I didn't go to see my Mum in the Chapel of Rest because we'd been with her in ICU when she died, and I'd seen her after they cleaned her up and took all the tubes out then. Didn't need to do it again after that.

Take someone with you - even if they don't want to come into the room with you, take them anyway, just for support. I found it useful to be able to say some things that I hadn't been able to when they were still alive, despite knowing they weren't actually "there", iyswim.

Actually, just realised that today is the 14th anniversary of my Mum's funeral - ha.

The anger is absolutely normal, and is part of the stages of grieving - but what isn't always explained is that the stages aren't linear, you can move between them all, all the time. And in fact, the whole premise of the 5 stages of grieving has been criticised - but it can still provide a useful framework initially. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

((((hugs)))) to you - I hope the support continues after the funeral, as this can often be the "falling away" point for many. Make sure you ask for whatever you need. Thanks

vickibee · 13/07/2021 08:04

Yes my son said the same thing, his body is just a vessel, the spark of life and the light in your eyes will be gone. He was such a sociable chap enjoyed talking to everyone in our local town. Everyone knew him he would drive through waving at everyone.
I just don’t know how I am going to get thru the funeral.

OP posts:
Sanguinesuzy · 13/07/2021 09:16

All been said already. Hope you and ds are holding up. And what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Your post really chimes with me, similar age and age gap between me and dp, dp also from a similar background but a real grafter, and much of my childhood spent in barnsley. Take care Flowers.

notapizzaeater · 14/07/2021 10:00

@vickibee

Yes everyone has been amazing. I didn't realise what good friends I had xx So the coroner has released him back into or care. The cause of death was calcification of the arteries😕😕so the funeral is going to be 21 July. I am trying to pluck up the courage to go see him in the Chapel of rest. I think I'd regret it if I didn't.
We went to see DH twice, I went to talk to him - tbh I found it helped. I took DS too who also spoke to him.
vickibee · 14/07/2021 13:10

Yes we have arranged to go see him on Friday morning, I will just have to be strong for my son.
The funeral lady collected some clothing today. I decided to send his Barnsley FC football shirt and shorts becuase that’s what he wore, not a suit and tie person.
I also saw our local vicar who we know personally, so it is the last thing we can do for him and I have to make it the best I can

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 18/07/2021 11:54

I hope the Friday visiting went okay and gave you some peace. It must have been terribly hard. I hope you and your son are surrounded with loving support. I am thinking of you.

vickibee · 18/07/2021 12:20

I can honestly say it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I said a few words. Ouf first wedding dance was heaven must be missing an angel l. I said that he is the angel now and I am I am the one missing him. Ds said he is going to make him proud and get the best grades he can.
I touched his hand and cried a lot he did have a kind of smile on his face. But bruises around his brow when he fell on the steering wheel.
What has really upset me though is my brother has decided to go to his holiday villa instead of attending the funeral. 😕

OP posts:
MaryBeery · 19/07/2021 00:55

I'm sorry @vickibee, that must be really hard for you.

Georgeowen · 19/07/2021 03:23

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vickibee · 19/07/2021 05:48

Hidden? What for nothing in it to warrant it durelyx

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