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Original poster

Fallen out with new neighbours already

178 replies

didntsignupforthis · 28/06/2021 11:42

Please give me some perspective I'm making a bigger issue of this than I need to.

I've just recently moved into new house on my own. Downsized to bungalow on a nice cul de sac. Really quiet, nicely looked after. Was so happy to move here and hope to be here longterm.

Met neighbour from a few doors up when I was moving in. We chatted a bit about the area but he kept staring at my chest instead of my face when talking to me. I'll be the first to admit I do have quite a large chest and I'm used to people staring. So I jokingly said something along the lines of I do have a face you can talk to, not in a nasty way at all. He didn't seem to take too kindly to that and then cut short the conversation and went away. I saw his wife come out and said hello and waved at her but was then busy with the removals people. I saw him saying something to his wife who looked at me with complete disgust. I couldn't hear anything what was said though.

Since then I've met a few other neighbours one who said something like not sure what it's like where you're from but we're friendly folk around here. Another started about people coming from London to the area and how rude they were, I think as a dig at me (even though I've not come from London).

I'm not exactly a shrinking violet but I'm not sure whether I should say something or just let it drift by and hope by being neighbourly they'll realise their first impressions were wrong. I know I'm not in the wrong but equally I have to live here with these people.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 28/06/2021 19:33

@backinthebox

Two things.
  1. Can someone point out where the OP says what she was wearing please? I’ve read and re-read her post, and nowhere does it say what she was wearing, yet a lot of posters are saying she deserved to have her chest looked at because of her clothing.
  1. All the posters here saying women deserve to have their chest looked at if they are wearing certain items of clothing - what kind of backward dinosaurs are you all? Where should we draw the line? Women in low cut or crop tops shouldn’t complain if they are stared at? Women in mini skirts or tight jeans shouldn’t complain if they have their bums groped? Women in any sort of outfit that a man finds attractive should not complain if they are catcalled at in the street? Women in clothing that A.N.Other finds inappropriate shouldn’t complain if they are raped? WHERE is the cut off point?

Strangely enough in my line of work I wear a bikini in front of work colleagues often, and have never felt uncomfortable at the way I am looked at or spoken to. And that’s the way it should be. If a man cannot speak to a woman without looking at her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, the problem should be his if she calls him out, not the woman’s, and all the posters here who are shaming the OP are part of the problem.

Amen!

The women on this post saying men stare. Sheesh

Nocutenamesleft · 28/06/2021 19:33

@TableFlowerss

The too and bottom of it is, he probably is a bit of a creep. You perhaps should have sussed it out before saying anything, but it’s probable that he was leering, so why should you have to keep quiet.

It’s no loss to you. They duct sound kind the friendliest people anyway. Hopefully you can have a quiet life and not have to bother with small pointless chitter chatter.

Probably all ended well

You suddenly changed your tune.
TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 19:41

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@TableFlowerss

Women don’t go staring at men’s crotch he’s all day?!? So why the he’ll should we carrot that men are going to stare at women’s breasts?[/quote]
I’m not saying it’s appropriate, obviously it’s not appropriate, it’s vile.

My point was that certain clothing items are going to attract more ogling than others. If someone wanders around in a short crop top v neck with full cleavage on show, then they surely can’t be surprised that men with stare.

Should they stare? No, but regardless they will. So I wouldn’t wear low cut tops for that purpose because I didn’t want men to be staring at my tits.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 19:46

You suddenly changed your tune

No I haven’t. My thoughts are exactly the same.

Men shouldn’t ogle regardless what a women wears but they do.

Is it appropriate? No.

Is it illegal? No.

What can be done? Confront them like OP did, but in this particular situation she might have shit in her own nest if all the neighbours are going to but cunts to her.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 19:47

To be add- if you wear a bikini top to a pub then ask ‘What age people staring at me?’ That’s ridiculous!

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 19:48

why are I mean

Viviennemary · 28/06/2021 19:50

You should have ignored his staring and moved on sharpish. I think it was unwise to make a comment.

Stormwhale · 28/06/2021 19:51

I think I would have said something like, "oh, have I got something on my top?" rather than calling him straight out on it, but honestly other than female socialisation to always be nice I can't explain why. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't have to put up with a man staring at your boobs.

Humpthree · 28/06/2021 19:55

Should they stare? No, but regardless they will. So I wouldn’t wear low cut tops for that purpose because I didn’t want men to be staring at my tits

Or OR, instead of sympathising with the poor men who just can't help themselves staring at evil temptresses who should really censor themselves... We hold men responsible and accountable by tackling the misogyny and objectification.

Women have the right to wear whatever they like without being sexually harassed. We are human beings not objects for a man's pleasure.

For the love of God @TableFlowerss, check your internalised misogyny!

PawsQueen · 28/06/2021 19:55

@Bluntness100 I'm a 34K and get stared at a lot. Not because I'm attractive, just because I have ridiculous boobs! Unless I wear a polo neck (then I look like a pair of tits on legs) then I have cleavage in pretty much everything I wear

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 28/06/2021 19:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Menora · 28/06/2021 20:00

Some of the responses on here are awful! Are we all in the 1840’s?
It’s fine to point out something that makes you feel super uncomfortable. If he was not staring at your boobs he would have been mortified, said sorry/cleared up any misunderstanding. Instead he went and told everyone you were rude to him.
He’s old enough to know better that a woman might feel uncomfortable and should shift his gaze elsewhere

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 20:02

@Humpthree

Should they stare? No, but regardless they will. So I wouldn’t wear low cut tops for that purpose because I didn’t want men to be staring at my tits

Or OR, instead of sympathising with the poor men who just can't help themselves staring at evil temptresses who should really censor themselves... We hold men responsible and accountable by tackling the misogyny and objectification.

Women have the right to wear whatever they like without being sexually harassed. We are human beings not objects for a man's pleasure.

For the love of God @TableFlowerss, check your internalised misogyny!

Ohhh please……Wandering in to a pub in tiny hot pants and v neck crop top and being ‘offended’ that people dare to look…. 🙄

I say people because women will probably look as well. Some people love to be looked at and wear things to make sure their best assets are on show.

To try and suggest some people don’t like the attention of people looking at them is frankly ludicrous!

Menora · 28/06/2021 20:03

Why do people always make up some imaginary situation that has nothing to do with the post?
Walking into a pub wearing hot pants and a bra vs standing on your driveway moving house wearing normal clothes
Hmm ok hun 😂

FurryMcFlurry · 28/06/2021 20:06

@didntsignupforthis I can’t believe you just came out with it to this guy, it’s the first time you’d ever met him, you are very brave!

I can understand if you’d met him numerous times and he kept doing it but as someone you’ve just met in an area you’ve literally just moved into I’d have not said anything. He may not even be looking in a sleazy manner and if he was I’d have let it go as it was a first time meet.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/06/2021 20:07

Never complain, never explain. I live by this. No need to say anything to them just wave and smile as you go past.

Soontobe60 · 28/06/2021 20:08

@KaptainKaveman

Seriously? was he actually leering at your breasts in a sexual way or is he one of those people who just doesn't tend to look people in the eye due to nerves etc? seeing as you had never met him before I woudl have given him the benefit of the doubt and said nothing.

I think you overstepped the mark tbh.

My dh is one of those people you describe. He would never stare at someone’s breasts in order to avoid eye contact. If someone stared at my breasts I may well be less polite than the OP!
Floralnomad · 28/06/2021 20:10

Obviously you were not actually in the wrong for calling him out on his behaviour but it wouldn’t be something I would do if I wanted to be on friendly relations with neighbours so I think you’ve blown it on that score . The other point being that he will not think he was or admit to staring at your boobs and he and his wife , who presumably are friendly with the other neighbours will just tell the others that you are rude . You can’t really win here @didntsignupforthis because none of the neighbours who are this mans friend are going to believe that he was staring and therefore you just come across as a bit rude .

Suzi888 · 28/06/2021 20:18

@PopsicleHustler

Theres a big difference between having a large chest.

And wearing a low cut top.

Hmm OP can wear whatever she wants. Admittedly it is going to catch your eye, (sorry but it is). Though there’s a difference between glancing and staring/leering!

What’s done is done, you can’t take it back. I wonder what he said to his wife 🤣 lol I’ll wager it wasn’t the truth!

FrenchieFromGrease · 28/06/2021 20:30

There is 0% chance that your pervy neighbour said to his wife "I was just staring at that new woman's tits and she told me not to, can you believe the cheek of her?!" He probably made up some lie where he said "Good day madam" and doffed his gentlemanly hat to you, then you replied "Fuck off you slimy toad, I'll break your bastard legs."

He is a creep. Just be yourself and eventually all the neighbours will realise how fun you are.

Humpthree · 28/06/2021 20:35

Ohhh please……Wandering in to a pub in tiny hot pants and v neck crop top and being ‘offended’ that people dare to look…. 🙄

Yes. It's offensive. Men should not objectify women. No matter what they wear. That's the end.

Come over to the feminism board. We will pull that internalised misogyny out of you in a few threads. You have much to learn young grasshopper.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/06/2021 20:46

@KaptainKaveman

Seriously? was he actually leering at your breasts in a sexual way or is he one of those people who just doesn't tend to look people in the eye due to nerves etc? seeing as you had never met him before I woudl have given him the benefit of the doubt and said nothing.

I think you overstepped the mark tbh.

When you've got a big chest, it's actually very easy to tell who is staring at your chest, and who is simply reluctant to make eye contact.

And actually, it doesn't matter how conservative I dress, my big chest is always there, and always gets stared at.

OP, I reckon if you just be bright and breezy when you meet a neighbour, they'll realise you're OK and start talking to you. Greetings, smiles and waves as you go past, or if they pass you in the garden.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 20:47

A make looking at a female over 18 isn’t a crime regardless of what kind of random (completely irrelevant) examples you use.

So OP is not allowed to object to rudeness, because it's only permissible for a woman to object if a man crosses a legal line?

@TableFlowerss, you're entitled to your opinion, but it's weird how focused you are on OP's simple rebuttal of a rude stare/leer, instead of on the rude staring/leering itself.

user1471538283 · 28/06/2021 20:50

Neighbours are over rated. I wouldn't bother with any of them. One of my Great Aunts didnt speak to her neighbor for 40 years and they lived quite happily side by side.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 20:53

My point was that certain clothing items are going to attract more ogling than others

We know, @TableFlowerss, we know. You've said it enough times.

Almost everybody else's point though, is as you haven't got a single notion about how OP was dressed, why are you obsessing over it?

It's edging uncomfortably close to the classic "but what was she WEARING?!" response to rape, a.k.a. victim blaming.
I wish you'd take that on board & stop rattling on about clothing.