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Original poster

Fallen out with new neighbours already

178 replies

didntsignupforthis · 28/06/2021 11:42

Please give me some perspective I'm making a bigger issue of this than I need to.

I've just recently moved into new house on my own. Downsized to bungalow on a nice cul de sac. Really quiet, nicely looked after. Was so happy to move here and hope to be here longterm.

Met neighbour from a few doors up when I was moving in. We chatted a bit about the area but he kept staring at my chest instead of my face when talking to me. I'll be the first to admit I do have quite a large chest and I'm used to people staring. So I jokingly said something along the lines of I do have a face you can talk to, not in a nasty way at all. He didn't seem to take too kindly to that and then cut short the conversation and went away. I saw his wife come out and said hello and waved at her but was then busy with the removals people. I saw him saying something to his wife who looked at me with complete disgust. I couldn't hear anything what was said though.

Since then I've met a few other neighbours one who said something like not sure what it's like where you're from but we're friendly folk around here. Another started about people coming from London to the area and how rude they were, I think as a dig at me (even though I've not come from London).

I'm not exactly a shrinking violet but I'm not sure whether I should say something or just let it drift by and hope by being neighbourly they'll realise their first impressions were wrong. I know I'm not in the wrong but equally I have to live here with these people.

OP posts:
PopsicleHustler · 28/06/2021 13:37

Let them shove off and you enjoy your new bome

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 13:38

@TableFlowerss

To add - he may have been a leery creep but as another pp pointed out, he could have felt a bit awkward looking in to her eyes.
Never mind how awkward OP felt as he looked at her breasts, hey?

So long as the Menz don't have to feel awkward about eye contact, or getting pulled up for leering. We couldn't have that. People might start tearing up their internalised misogyny handbooks.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:38

@backinthebox

Two things.
  1. Can someone point out where the OP says what she was wearing please? I’ve read and re-read her post, and nowhere does it say what she was wearing, yet a lot of posters are saying she deserved to have her chest looked at because of her clothing.
  1. All the posters here saying women deserve to have their chest looked at if they are wearing certain items of clothing - what kind of backward dinosaurs are you all? Where should we draw the line? Women in low cut or crop tops shouldn’t complain if they are stared at? Women in mini skirts or tight jeans shouldn’t complain if they have their bums groped? Women in any sort of outfit that a man finds attractive should not complain if they are catcalled at in the street? Women in clothing that A.N.Other finds inappropriate shouldn’t complain if they are raped? WHERE is the cut off point?

Strangely enough in my line of work I wear a bikini in front of work colleagues often, and have never felt uncomfortable at the way I am looked at or spoken to. And that’s the way it should be. If a man cannot speak to a woman without looking at her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, the problem should be his if she calls him out, not the woman’s, and all the posters here who are shaming the OP are part of the problem.

The difference is, looking at someone isn’t a crime.

Touching someone is and takes it to a whole different realm of wrongness.

PopsicleHustler · 28/06/2021 13:38

Home I meant.

Hope you are all settled in and meet some neighbours who are welcoming and friendly!

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 13:39

I mean it's not a toss up between tits or eyes

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

Muchasgracias · 28/06/2021 13:40

He’s a dick and I think you have to accept that he will have spun his own narrative to the other neighbours.

Not the most ideal of starts but I think you’ll have to bide your time and trust that over time your neighbours will get to know you for the lovely person you probably are. Rise above it and just be yourself and the truth will out…

ifIwerenotanandroid · 28/06/2021 13:41

@TableFlowerss

To add - he may have been a leery creep but as another pp pointed out, he could have felt a bit awkward looking in to her eyes.
He didn't have to look at her tits, though. Other places to look are available.
Holly60 · 28/06/2021 13:42

@ThomasHardyPerennial

Oh great, so it's the op's fault if he was staring because she might have been wearing a low cut top? She can wear whatever the hell she likes.
Of course she can but if a woman with large breasts wears a low cut top even I struggle to not glance (and I’m a heterosexual woman in my 60s) in the same way that I would probably accidentally look at a man if he had his, ahem, ‘package’ on full display in tight speedos. I am relatively well endowed and in my younger days this used to happen to me. If it was just a one off I would politely ignore the behaviour. If it happened regularly I would politely ignore the person Grin
ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 13:44

I don't think you should have said anything to the man after he seemed to be looking at your chest

Why not, @Maggiesfarm?
Genuinely interested in your reasoning, because I simply cannot fathom it.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:44

**Never mind how awkward OP felt as he looked at her breasts, hey?

So long as the Menz don't have to feel awkward about eye contact, or getting pulled up for leering. We couldn't have that. People might start tearing up their internalised misogyny handbooks**

I’m not saying she shouldn’t have said anything. If she debt he was perving then she has every right. It may not have been as black and white as that though, could have been genuinely nervous etc…

None of us were there. OP done what she felt was right. Others would have perhaps marked his card initially so to not alienate themselves

TaraR2020 · 28/06/2021 13:45

Astonished at all the posts suggesting the neighbour didn't do anything wrong but the op did!

Op ynbu - your neighbour took issue with being called out on his behaviour and you haven't lost a friend there so I wouldn't sweat it.

As to the rest, hard to tell whether your other neighbours are just a little awkward with new people or whether he's been spreading false rumours...Either way hold your head high and be pleasant, you've done nothing wrong and in time others will realise it.

RonniePickering · 28/06/2021 13:47

Some of these replies 😳
If you thought he was definitely staring at your tits, fair dos for saying it 😬.
I’d have probably just folded my arms and stared at his groin 🤷🏼‍♀️

Moonface123 · 28/06/2021 13:47

Good for you for saying something, so what if it didn't go down well, at least now he won't be bothering you. I find it best to keep a distance from the neighbours, a quick polite " Hello, how are you? " is enough for me.
I am a lone parent surrounded by couples and can find them over bearing in the nosey sense.
Don't feel like your in the wrong , your not.

SkySmiler · 28/06/2021 13:48

'Not in a nasty way at all' - but still v patronising....

NeedNewKnees · 28/06/2021 13:51

You did the right thing calling him on his behaviour.

He’ll avoid you and probably tell people you’re rude, but they’ll learn soon enough that you aren’t. Don’t sweat it.

Immunetypegoblin · 28/06/2021 13:51

Tricky. I think in your shoes I'd try to find a way to bring it up (obliquely) with other neighbours. i.e. if they start on about people from outside being rude, laugh and say 'Yes, I think I may have come off as rude the first time I talked to one of the local community - he kept staring at my boobs and I made a joke about how I've got a face as well. I don't think he was best pleased unfortunately!' You could then laugh about how they are hard to miss, it's been an issue all your life, but still it does get a bit vexing when it happens.

I mean yes, you'd be wading into 'he said/she said' territory (despite not naming names), but chances are at least half of the women there will go 'Oh' and be a sight more accommodating.....

annacondom · 28/06/2021 13:51

Holly, it's impolite and entitled to talk to someone's chest instead of their face, (or shoes, if you're shy) whatever they're wearing.

OP, you did nothing wrong. Put it behind you and try to start again as your usual happy self. Likely he does this to other women, and at the moment people have only his gossip to go on. Hopefully the decent people will become obvious. Invite the first nice one in for coffee.

DumbestBlonde · 28/06/2021 13:53

Being friends/friendly with the neighbours is massively over-rated (imho) Grin

WeAreTheHeroes · 28/06/2021 13:53

@Iwonder08

He shouldn't have stared at your breasts, but it was almost inevitable this comment would result in the fall out with your neighbours. Strategically I wouldn't do it given that you've just moved in. Technically he is in the wrong, but you will be the one who will deal with the consequences
I disagree - any fallout is because this male neighbour has been defensive and not examined his own behaviour. Instead it sounds as though he's chosen to tell others the OP was unfriendly/nasty/whatever it is he's said. Equally he may have made a faux pas and not be in the habit of staring at women's boobs.
BrilliantBetty · 28/06/2021 13:54

Well it was never going to be ok after your retort, was it.

He will feel uncomfortable around you now. Not saying you're wrong, if he really was leering rather than not wanting to make eye contact.

Never mind, you don't need to be friends with all your neighbours. Hopefully it'll get forgotten about in future and he'll have learnt to look you in the eye if speaking to you.

Backhills · 28/06/2021 13:55

Are you assuming that all the neighbours know what you said and are judging you for it? I bet they don't. In fact, I think it's highly unlikely his wife knows.

As for the comments from the other neighbours, I think they're quite common remarks. They're just as wary about who their new neighbours as you are.

DumbestBlonde · 28/06/2021 13:57

@Immunetypegoblin

Tricky. I think in your shoes I'd try to find a way to bring it up (obliquely) with other neighbours. i.e. if they start on about people from outside being rude, laugh and say 'Yes, I think I may have come off as rude the first time I talked to one of the local community - he kept staring at my boobs and I made a joke about how I've got a face as well. I don't think he was best pleased unfortunately!' You could then laugh about how they are hard to miss, it's been an issue all your life, but still it does get a bit vexing when it happens.

I mean yes, you'd be wading into 'he said/she said' territory (despite not naming names), but chances are at least half of the women there will go 'Oh' and be a sight more accommodating.....

Kind of strange to be having any kind of conversation with new people about OP's boobs though. (Whilst disparaging the leerer as well.) I do not think that is good advice at all Hmm

OP is worried that she has put herself "on the back foot", as they say. A discussion like that would keep her there, and people wil do what they do - regardless of what she deos now. But she does not need to be explaining or apologising (imo).

Not everyone is comfortable with boob talk - even if they "should" be Hmm

Tangledtresses · 28/06/2021 13:59

Or maybe the other neighbours know that George from no 92 is a lecherous pervert and where trying to tell you that they are not 😂

Immunetypegoblin · 28/06/2021 14:07

DumbestBlonde I appreciate not everyone is comfortable with boob talk - presumably the OP would pick her audience for such a statement! I think all the 'Just keep being nice and hope for the best while misinformation gets set in stone in your community' advice isn't very good, frankly, but the OP can assess what works best for her I am sure.

KitBumbleB · 28/06/2021 14:09

Next time a neighbor mentions being friendly ask them if they mean over friendly like him at #4 ?