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Original poster

Fallen out with new neighbours already

178 replies

didntsignupforthis · 28/06/2021 11:42

Please give me some perspective I'm making a bigger issue of this than I need to.

I've just recently moved into new house on my own. Downsized to bungalow on a nice cul de sac. Really quiet, nicely looked after. Was so happy to move here and hope to be here longterm.

Met neighbour from a few doors up when I was moving in. We chatted a bit about the area but he kept staring at my chest instead of my face when talking to me. I'll be the first to admit I do have quite a large chest and I'm used to people staring. So I jokingly said something along the lines of I do have a face you can talk to, not in a nasty way at all. He didn't seem to take too kindly to that and then cut short the conversation and went away. I saw his wife come out and said hello and waved at her but was then busy with the removals people. I saw him saying something to his wife who looked at me with complete disgust. I couldn't hear anything what was said though.

Since then I've met a few other neighbours one who said something like not sure what it's like where you're from but we're friendly folk around here. Another started about people coming from London to the area and how rude they were, I think as a dig at me (even though I've not come from London).

I'm not exactly a shrinking violet but I'm not sure whether I should say something or just let it drift by and hope by being neighbourly they'll realise their first impressions were wrong. I know I'm not in the wrong but equally I have to live here with these people.

OP posts:
cindarellasbelly · 28/06/2021 13:22

@covidcloser I am serious, but just because its unclear from what the OP said if he was definitely looking on purpose. She says she's used to people looking at her chest - I'm fairly big-busted, I 100% know the difference between a few times when people have found themselves looking at my chest because I was breastfeeding and my top was slipped down a bit/too tight and highlighted the fact I was now a JJ cup and their eyes literally wandered that way vs when people have been ogling/leering.

Im actually all for people calling out those looking at them, and have done it myself in a lot of situations where its clear. But - she says she said it in a non-offensive, jokey way. That's the way I might say to a friend who was looking at my chest without meaning to. If he was basically appraising her chest, then she's only being unreasonable for being jokey about it. If she didn't think he was looking at her 'that' way then yes, it probably was a bit unwise to call him out the way she'd call out a mate. And tbh, even if he is a creep, I think I'd make a mental note the people at number 9 are creeps and try not to engage them in conversation unless it happened again as otherwise you run the risk of what seems to have happened here.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:22

@Nocutenamesleft

You think if a women dresses in a bikini. Men are going to leer at her and tough shit?
No I don’t think tough shit.

No I don’t think she should have to put up with it.

She’s absolutely right to challenge him, but it’s not surprising that a man would stare at a woman’s breast! Doesn’t make it right but it’s not shocking

tara66 · 28/06/2021 13:23

You do not need neighbours. They are all from Hell - didn't you know?

LuvMyBubbles · 28/06/2021 13:24

Perfect now you can enjoy your house in peace and quiet. The real neighbours you want to be friends with will find there way to you.

ChicChaos · 28/06/2021 13:24

@WorraLiberty

Is this the 'Honk Honk!' poster from yesterday? 🤔
Very similar style, isn't it?
DumbestBlonde · 28/06/2021 13:26

I actually think it might work out for the best - although moving into an established cul-de-sac is never going to be easy...... Imagine if you DID have to have all the get-togethers they undoubtedly enjoy ]hmm]!
(That might just be me though, having lived in one such cul-de-sac as an outsider for many years....No longer though)
He will NOT have liked being called out on it - wrongly or rightly - and maybe your choice of phrase made him doubly uncomfortable (so what I suppose?) Blush

A long long time ago, I met someone who since, became a friend (still is - just....). I was marrried at the time - but the first time I went to their farm, I had been bathing my horsed and whilst not quite a wet T-shirt, it was a bit dirty. I was slim back then...... He never ONCE looked at my face - and husband and kid were right there......!

[It got a lot worse over the years.]

Fast forward a few years, and I am now divorced. And also put some of the weight back on so maybe up to a size 12.... we would go to the local village pub [i.e. everyone knew one another, and especially me and my friend's family] quiz and in a team with two other men. One night, my friend sat iopposite me and I was wearing some kind of peasant top that if I leant forward gave me cleavage. He again could not stop staring - imagine how the other teams reacted when, during a quiet part of the quiz, my voice rang out, "Stop looking down my top!" Blush Blush

There are ways and ways to handle these things - but men who do it DO need calling out, although context is everything.

We still won the quiz that week, as we did most others.
The friend STILL leers at me (and it has had a profound effect on our friendship, and even how I feel about myself - as I have big boobs now) - and it bothers me more than ever). Some people just do not have the awareness - but try not to let this spoil your relocation plans Smile x

FlowerArranger · 28/06/2021 13:28

@PopsicleHustler,
Yes, he probably was a creep, and your reaction is entirely understandable.

However, when entering a new environment it's sensible to take a step back and wait for the lay of the land to reveal itself.

He may be a creep, but he - and his wife, who may have embellished what occurred... - have history in this cul de sac, and you don't.

All you can do now is bite your tongue and be pleasant to everyone in the neighbourhood, and hopefully they'll realise that you're a good egg.

HadaVerde · 28/06/2021 13:28

Fuck em and Fuck all these shitty victim blaming replies.

Awful.

Clarice99 · 28/06/2021 13:28

@Couchbettato

Yeah if it were a choice of be sexually appropriated by neighbour and keep the peace, or call neighbour out on shitty behaviour and have a bad relationship with them I'd choose the latter every single day.

Fuck those people.

This!

OP, you've done nothing wrong. Irrespective of the 'reason' the neighbour was staring at your breasts, the fact is, he was staring and that makes him a sleazebag.

You were brave to call him out. Well done!

Fuck them. All of them.

I can't believe the amount of people 'victim blaming' on this thread. It's sickening.

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2021 13:29

@ChicChaos, yep!

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:30

@HadaVerde

Fuck em and Fuck all these shitty victim blaming replies.

Awful.

‘Victim blaming’?

Think you’re getting confused. No offence has been committed! Getting stared at doesn’t make you a victim for his sake.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:30

for god sake

Canigooutyet · 28/06/2021 13:31

I don't make eye contact. I usually stare into space, the persons shoulder, hair whatever. I'm going to change tactic and start staring at crotches.

Good on you op for not putting up with being leered at.
The man wouldn't have got his feelings hurt if he kept his eyes off her breasts. He didn't know if she appreciated his actions considering her a stranger. Maybe he should have got to know her personality before doing this.

But then why should anyone have to put up with this? If they don't get told how are they to learn and clearly those who know them are tolerating this crap.

TheSpottedZebra · 28/06/2021 13:31

What the fuck with this thread? Nowhere has Op said what she was wearing, yet it's been decreed that she was in a bikini or crop top, she should have been in overalls and besides the poor shy man couldn't help looking. And she ought not have mentioned it.

Have we been invaded by 1876 ?

annie335 · 28/06/2021 13:32

Me too. He's probably mortified about it. I'm not sure that he will want to talk to you again..

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:32

can't believe the amount of people 'victim blaming' on this thread. It's sickening

God almighty

Scaredycatmoo76 · 28/06/2021 13:33

All this experience has done is saved you time and effort

You know the twats in the community now.

So see it as a positive

Beamur · 28/06/2021 13:33

Your neighbour is a lecherous creep. You've lost nothing by not being tolerant of his creepy staring.
He's got defensive and has presumably given a slightly different version of events to his wife...
Just carry on and be friendly and breezy with the other neighbours.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 13:33

Certainly not what I was saying.

What I meant by boiler suit etc (including actually heavy boots with toe caps on)

if you are moving house unless you are doing absolutely none of the lifting in which case you are lucky, some people have accidents, drop things on their toes etc dust and so on. ..

@beigebrownblue, I don't think the question is about WHAT you were saying.
It's more about WHY on earth you were saying it.

WTF have imaginary boiler suits, fictitious low cut vest tops, or let's go the full hog with a fantasy suit of full medieval armour have to do with the OP's question?

backinthebox · 28/06/2021 13:34

Two things.

  1. Can someone point out where the OP says what she was wearing please? I’ve read and re-read her post, and nowhere does it say what she was wearing, yet a lot of posters are saying she deserved to have her chest looked at because of her clothing.
  1. All the posters here saying women deserve to have their chest looked at if they are wearing certain items of clothing - what kind of backward dinosaurs are you all? Where should we draw the line? Women in low cut or crop tops shouldn’t complain if they are stared at? Women in mini skirts or tight jeans shouldn’t complain if they have their bums groped? Women in any sort of outfit that a man finds attractive should not complain if they are catcalled at in the street? Women in clothing that A.N.Other finds inappropriate shouldn’t complain if they are raped? WHERE is the cut off point?

Strangely enough in my line of work I wear a bikini in front of work colleagues often, and have never felt uncomfortable at the way I am looked at or spoken to. And that’s the way it should be. If a man cannot speak to a woman without looking at her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, the problem should be his if she calls him out, not the woman’s, and all the posters here who are shaming the OP are part of the problem.

MotherWol · 28/06/2021 13:34

I’m guessing that after you challenged him, he went home and told his wife that you’re rude and unfriendly (and left out the bit about looking at your breasts) so that she didn’t talk to you in case you mentioned he was a perv. Just carry on being normal and neighbourly with the others, and either they’ll realise you’re nice enough, or they won’t and you can just be civil but not close.

TableFlowerss · 28/06/2021 13:35

The too and bottom of it is, he probably is a bit of a creep. You perhaps should have sussed it out before saying anything, but it’s probable that he was leering, so why should you have to keep quiet.

It’s no loss to you. They duct sound kind the friendliest people anyway. Hopefully you can have a quiet life and not have to bother with small pointless chitter chatter.

Probably all ended well

DariaANDJane · 28/06/2021 13:36

Good for you. I'm so done with pervy men now. Don't care whether he intended to look or not. Why as a society do we continue to put up with this sort of thing / make excuses for the poor menz folk?

You probably scared the crap out of him. I salute you.

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 13:36

However, when entering a new environment it's sensible to take a step back and wait for the lay of the land to reveal itself.

He may be a creep, but he - and his wife, who may have embellished what occurred... - have history in this cul de sac, and you don't.

This is batshit.

You don't need a fucking 'history' to tell someone not to look at your chest Hmm

derxa · 28/06/2021 13:36

You were rude and he was inappropriate.

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