Family Lunch Dilemma. 'Hovering'.

[JennieLee]

There's going to be a family reunion - after relaxation of Covid regs - tomorrow.

It will involve self, husband, my older brother and his wife (hosting), my younger brother and my elderly mother (eg 6 of us).

My younger brother has been particularly worried about the risks of Covid. He has had both his vaccinations - as we all have - and has no underlying health conditions. He lives and works alone.

My older brother has a large dining table and a well-ventilated room. He can keep the French windows open while we eat as it is a warm day.

He has declared that for safety reasons he won't sit with the family at the meal, but will instead 'hover' or sit at the breakfast bar to eat.

I find it really hard to eat when somebody is hovering - particularly if they are behind me.

I could cope with eating a very quick informal snack in these conditions. But it's going to be real trial to attempt to sit through a long heavy, supposedly celebratory meal - with hours of hovering.

I don't think anyone else in the family likes the hovering either. It occurred at Xmas and Easter meals when I wasn't present.

But everyone else is very conflict averse. I'm going to be immediately characterised as the 'difficult' one, if I ask him to sit with us.

Any thoughts?

Make sure your back is to him and then chat away to everyone else.

I don’t see how hovering a foot or two away is going to be any safer. Surely people will have to turn their heads and/or speak louder or shout so they can hear him. Speaking loudly/shouting is thought to transmit covid more easily than just speaking at a normal volume.

Sorry just read the bit about hovering if he is behind you.

If he’s nervous about hosting why don’t you just postpone until he feels better about it or the weather means you can all eat outside?

Clearly he’s being a bit irrational but it’s his choice. The only thing you can do is try not to let his behaviour bother you

You’re being a bit out of order here. How is he really causing you any problems by not sitting at the table?

That just sounds so odd. Is this the younger brother who plans to hover? He will be at the same level of risk whether he sits with you or hovers.

He sounds overly anxious, but you do too. I'd find it a bit irritating, but can't understand why this would ruin your meal. What do you think is going to happen if he's sat at the breakfast bar behind you?

Clarification. It's older brother, who is hosting. Younger brother who hovers.

I think the point about people having to project voices more/speak louder - thus increasing potential risk - when someone isn't at the table is very to the point.

Maybe sit so he isn't behind you, can you arrange the chairs so there's a gap in front of where he is? I encounter this sort of varied approach to distancing all the time now, some people clearly want to be a lot further apart than others and I think in the current circumstances their preference outranks that of those who would rather be closer and that social norms will change (many won't want to go back to hugging and kissing either for example).

Why not just go outside?

Yes, I think - giving him more space, while still enabling him to sit with us - perhaps at the end of the table near the French windows - is a great suggestion.

He feels irrationally uncomfortable about sitting at the table
You feel irrationally uncomfortable about him not sitting at the table.

You are both being unreasonable, so perhaps one of you should cancel.

What do you do at restaurants?

My very elderly mother feels even the slightest draught, needs a chair with lots of support and also needs to be within easy reach of a loo.

I'd suggested meeting up outside for a picnic/barbecue meal at my older brothers during the heatwave, so I could see her in a Covid-safe/legal way.. (He's in a bubble with my Mum). But he didn't get back to me.

Everyday story of a dysfunctional family I'm afraid. With the dysfunction made worse by Covid.

Put him a chair outside the French doors? That'd be safer for him.

Just to nail my flag to the post, what I think is that you're irritated with your brother and looking to stop a behavior of his that annoys you. The behaviour of his isn't so odd, just a little quirky.

I think the thing about restaurants is that it's relatively stable- other people are seated , and it's just waiters moving about as needed.

It's not uncommon to feel uncomfortable if other people are moving about/shifting when you eat. People complain about restless children in restaurants for example.

I imagine the thing about hovering is something quite primitive/hard-wired. (Animals need to find a safe quiet place to eat, where they're not going to be attacked by predators.)

What do you do at restaurants?

Restaurants wouldn't tolerate this "hovering" in the current climate, if you don't sit at a table you'd be asked to leave. If your younger brother is that worried about the risk of sharing a table with family maybe he shouldn't go.

It's not great but can't you just let him get on with it? It's not like you have to live with him.
It's nice they want to see you even though he is uncomfortable.
Either that or host something at your house in the garden?

Well you seem like a quirky family... Your brother wants to hover. You are being judgy about someone behind you when eating (how do you deal will restaurants and waiters). Just accept each others quirks

"For goodness sake, John, sit down! You're making me nervous" - Is that an option?

I'd think it was odd and quirky, and might even find it rather comical. I can see why some might find it irritating though, and he should be made aware of that.

If he thinks it will make him or others any safer though then I think he is mistaken. Maybe a room should be set aside for "hoverers" and the dining room can be for those who want to enjoy a normal meal.

Let him hover. It's only himself he is making physically less comfortable so leave him to it. He might well give up halfway through anyway.

Well then it will help to remember your brother isn't your predator, unless he has been. We do have to help our fight our flight systems out sometimes.

Set him a chair in a different room.
You are accommodating his discomfort and respecting his desire for distance, and he can respect your discomfort at someone hovering around. All is equal then.

(Can you tell I prefer the seat with a wall behind to minimise distractions of what's going on behind...)

Tell him that it makes you antsy and he needs to sit at the breakfast bar. I don't understand families who are close enough to get together in this way but can't actually speak to one another.