Family Lunch Dilemma. 'Hovering'.

[JennieLee]

There's going to be a family reunion - after relaxation of Covid regs - tomorrow.

It will involve self, husband, my older brother and his wife (hosting), my younger brother and my elderly mother (eg 6 of us).

My younger brother has been particularly worried about the risks of Covid. He has had both his vaccinations - as we all have - and has no underlying health conditions. He lives and works alone.

My older brother has a large dining table and a well-ventilated room. He can keep the French windows open while we eat as it is a warm day.

He has declared that for safety reasons he won't sit with the family at the meal, but will instead 'hover' or sit at the breakfast bar to eat.

I find it really hard to eat when somebody is hovering - particularly if they are behind me.

I could cope with eating a very quick informal snack in these conditions. But it's going to be real trial to attempt to sit through a long heavy, supposedly celebratory meal - with hours of hovering.

I don't think anyone else in the family likes the hovering either. It occurred at Xmas and Easter meals when I wasn't present.

But everyone else is very conflict averse. I'm going to be immediately characterised as the 'difficult' one, if I ask him to sit with us.

Any thoughts?

@LovePoppy

The long gaps in seeing her may explain why your own mum feels that she is “hosting” when her daughter is in her home.

If someone doesn’t live with me, they are being hosted in my home. Family or not.

I totally agree with you @LovePoppy - I am definitely the same - and my mum would once have agreed with us too. But when you reach your late 80’s and 90’s it sadly tends to transition into your daughter arriving to help, batch cook, do admin, provide care or generally help out - rather than arriving as a “visitor” if that makes sense. I left my mums home at 18, almost 40 years ago. I never knew anything about how my mum ran her home, how her freezer was stocked, how her insurance, financial or other details were looked after, until she reached a certain age. Back then I made the journey infrequently and was definitely hosted when there. Now I arrive frequently, but as someone to help, not someone to be hosted. So my point was that if OPs mum is frail and in her 90’s visiting more regularly, bringing shopping, cooked food or just generally helping out, tends to naturally create that transition away from OP being hosted, to OP being someone who comes to help out.