Family Lunch Dilemma. 'Hovering'.

[JennieLee]

There's going to be a family reunion - after relaxation of Covid regs - tomorrow.

It will involve self, husband, my older brother and his wife (hosting), my younger brother and my elderly mother (eg 6 of us).

My younger brother has been particularly worried about the risks of Covid. He has had both his vaccinations - as we all have - and has no underlying health conditions. He lives and works alone.

My older brother has a large dining table and a well-ventilated room. He can keep the French windows open while we eat as it is a warm day.

He has declared that for safety reasons he won't sit with the family at the meal, but will instead 'hover' or sit at the breakfast bar to eat.

I find it really hard to eat when somebody is hovering - particularly if they are behind me.

I could cope with eating a very quick informal snack in these conditions. But it's going to be real trial to attempt to sit through a long heavy, supposedly celebratory meal - with hours of hovering.

I don't think anyone else in the family likes the hovering either. It occurred at Xmas and Easter meals when I wasn't present.

But everyone else is very conflict averse. I'm going to be immediately characterised as the 'difficult' one, if I ask him to sit with us.

Any thoughts?

Why does the op’s discomfort at the hovering override the younger brother’s nervousness at sitting at the table?

I agree that a chair next to the French doors is probably the best solution.

Give hovering younger brother a chair just outside the patio doors. 😎

I hadn't actually realised my younger brother was going to be there. But my older brother invited him.

He has various peculiarities - another of which is attempting to dominate the conversation with long monologues about subjects that are not of general interest. He is also my Mother's favourite!

I'd seen this as a chance to catch up with my Mum who I have not see for nearly 18 months, and find out a bit more about her increased needs for support now that she is in her mid-nineties.

But it is what it is. Or will be what it will be.

You say it happened during an Easter meal, but if I recall correctly at easter we were still in lockdown and he should have been meeting your family for lunch anyway. He can’t be that anxious. Happy to be corrected on what the rules were at that point though.

He's hardly going to walk around the table while eating. That would defeat the purpose of trying to keep a distance. What's the problem if he sits at the breakfast bar? Surely you can all then seat yourselves so that nobody has to have their back to him, even if it means moving the table to a suitable position.

What is the point of the whole family being vaccinated if he's still this paranoid? I'm afraid I'd have zero sympathy and would tell him to go sit elsewhere, and not to "hover" anywhere near me if he's that scared.

I would be asking why he bothered having the vaccine if he doesn’t think it works?

I have met a few people like this snd it amazes me how arrogant they are.
They think whilst they have had both vaccines they shouldn’t be made to do anything. That is for the plebs who can scurry around making their lives possible.
Imagine if we all did this. There would be no supermarket deliveries, no hospitals open.

They need to get over themselves

He sounds like too much work. Does he have issues?

@JennieLee

Clarification. It's older brother, who is hosting. Younger brother who hovers.

I think the point about people having to project voices more/speak louder - thus increasing potential risk - when someone isn't at the table is very to the point.

Oh my god. Get a grip. Your not going to die because someone has to talk louder. What are you planning on doing sitting whispering to each other across the room

This is completely loopy.

I think sitting at the breakfast bar. Sitting is better than hovering.

He has various peculiarities - another of which is attempting to dominate the conversation with long monologues about subjects that are not of general interest. He is also my Mother's favourite!

Ah, so you will be annoyed by him regardless. What's one extra thing? :o

Honestly, he just sounds anxious about getting 'back to normal'. I know the feeling. In fact, sitting close to other people now makes me feel claustrophobic after it being just me and DP for such a long time. I'd just go and see how it goes. Some of us might need more support to get back to normal than others, and if sitting at the breakfast bar would help him, I don't see any harm in it whatsoever.

@JennieLee

I hadn't actually realised my younger brother was going to be there. But my older brother invited him.

He has various peculiarities - another of which is attempting to dominate the conversation with long monologues about subjects that are not of general interest. He is also my Mother's favourite!

I'd seen this as a chance to catch up with my Mum who I have not see for nearly 18 months, and find out a bit more about her increased needs for support now that she is in her mid-nineties.

But it is what it is. Or will be what it will be.

I guess she sees him as the most vulnerable? he certainly sounds it.

I also think that a celebratory family lunch is not the time to talk to your Mum about her care needs. Does this need to be done in person or could you do it by phone afterwards? You know "mum I noticed you were a bit wobbley at xxx's lunch party would xxx help"?
I was involved in my late Mum's care and i certainly wouldn't have brought it up with her at a family celebration.

Oh come on. IYoure extremely lucky if this is all you have to bother you. I would eat out of a rusty bucket if I was able to spend time with family.

@JennieLee

I think the thing about restaurants is that it's relatively stable- other people are seated , and it's just waiters moving about as needed.

It's not uncommon to feel uncomfortable if other people are moving about/shifting when you eat. People complain about restless children in restaurants for example.

I imagine the thing about hovering is something quite primitive/hard-wired. (Animals need to find a safe quiet place to eat, where they're not going to be attacked by predators.)

😂 I don't think this is about evolutionary psychology, love. I think it's clearly a "bitch eating crackers" situation - basically, when you're generally annoyed by someone, ANYTHING they do will make you furious, even if it's just sitting (or hovering) quietly nearby eating some crackers. Sit with this one a little longer and try to figure out why you're really upset because while what he's doing is weird it's not hurting anyone.

The original plan was that I'd visit my mother up at her flat mid morning. There'd have been a chance to catch up, but also to see how she was coping in terms of moving round the place.

Then my older brother rang up to tell me my younger brother would be picking her up and taking her over to his (older brother's house). I was to pitch up at OB's at 1 or quarter past.

Now that she's getting so old, she is actually more focused/with it in the morning. Once fed, she gets pretty overwhelmed, becomes more and more dozy and goes to sleep.

So there are really two interlinked problems. Arguably my younger brother is the more minor of the two. Concern about how my elderly mother is coping with incerasing disability and her denial of this (aided and abetted by my brothers) is the more major one.

It’s not ideal for you. But that’s all it is - not ideal.

It’s not the catastrophic ruination of the whole day - or even the meal. Reminding yourself of that will be helpful to stop any over-reaction.

You can’t control him and his beliefs or fears. But you can control yours.

You can choose not to over-react, and instead focus on the parts of the event you are enjoying.

If you feel yourself getting irritated or nervous, take a deep breath and talk back to your own mind in a soothing way - ‘It’s ok, it’s just my brother’. ‘It’s not a big deal, I can still enjoy it’. ‘I am safe’ ‘brother is entitled to behave in the way that makes him feel safe’ etc etc.

That way you can both enjoy the day and your family can enjoy you both being there.

You are both high maintenance

@JennieLee

The original plan was that I'd visit my mother up at her flat mid morning. There'd have been a chance to catch up, but also to see how she was coping in terms of moving round the place.

Then my older brother rang up to tell me my younger brother would be picking her up and taking her over to his (older brother's house). I was to pitch up at OB's at 1 or quarter past.

Now that she's getting so old, she is actually more focused/with it in the morning. Once fed, she gets pretty overwhelmed, becomes more and more dozy and goes to sleep.

So there are really two interlinked problems. Arguably my younger brother is the more minor of the two. Concern about how my elderly mother is coping with incerasing disability and her denial of this (aided and abetted by my brothers) is the more major one.

ah. If she is denying it its her choice unless she lacks capacity in which case you need to involve social services. Maybe she wants to avoid that "see how she is managing visit'

Why can he just not attend? Sounds like a bell end

It’s not really about the hovering us it? You are irritated by other things in the family relationships and are just focusing on this.
Why is it your job to sort out your mothers needs, why not one of your brothers or your mum could ask for help?
Can you pin down what it’s really about?

You both sound like hard work tbh! I don't think your description of 'a real trial' and mine are the same...

Why are posters normalising the brother’s behaviour whilst trying to make the OP feel odd for objecting?! I think it would ruin the meal if one person wanted to prance around the room!

I agree that the hovering is just the 'icing on the cake' . Posting has made it clearer to me.

The underlying issue is my mother's denial of increasing disability and her stubbornness. (Scoliosis, arthristis, cataracts, cognitive decline) While she still has capacity to make choices - even if they are wrong ones - it distresses me that she is living in a circumstances that increase her risk of falling, that she is not claiming the Attendance Allowance, which she would get and that she does not get visits from a carer to assist her in activities of daily living.

My brothers do not seem to want to intervene to encourage/support her in making any changes and when I raise the issue I am seen as 'the difficult' one.

I wrote to her GP asking is he'd visit because I was so concerned, My older brother then got fed up with me and asked me not to do this,

My mother is not only averse to change. She also prioritises male opinions over female ones. I am her least favourite child.

I just have to go, eat lunch and then get on with my life.