Grandson likely to go into care ... im broken

[Littlelegs2]

Daughter was put in refuge . Just a room. On the same day . She got offered a 2 bed temporary flat and she really wanted it. Told her to contact her social worker for advice. I said to Daughter they won't want you to take the 2 bed. Because the refuge is about you getting in house support keeping your son safe etc . This is what they told her . They were advising her to stay there but also saying it was her choice . They explained how her ex is a heigh risk how he's made threats to kill. How he keeps saying he's going to go after her. That he wants to see her son. And then she kept saying you say I have a choice you say its up to me but it's not is it. She was shouting at them . Then they said to her they have to advice her that they are doing a legal planning meeting and they will send her a list of solicitors. I can't get her to understand very basic things. She keeps saying things like. They won't listen to me. They are stopping me having this nice place to live . She agues over everything. I Don't know what to do anymore.

You really need to be blunt with her.

Them telling her they have "high concerns" means this is their most important issue with her right now. You need to tell her that. This is their biggest issue. If she leaves that refuge, they will proceed with taking the steps to remove the child.

Although really, the kid might be better off elsewhere. She'll still get supervised visits while she works on herself, but the child will be safe.

It sounds more as if your daughter doesn’t want to understand than a genuine comprehension issue. It’s incredibly common to be really conflicted at this stage. All you can do is to keep communicating with her and social work. I know in my local authority they have paid for bigger accommodation for the family willing to take in a child as it was preferable to care so don’t give up home. Also care doesn’t have to be long term sometimes it is, sadly, the impetus needed for change.

Oh op is she only 18?

Is she really able to look after her child? I know that’s a hard question, but is being raised by her in the child’s best interests? Already their little life has been chaotic. Social services need to protect them and if your daughter is unable to realistically raise them in a stable environment, as hard as it is, maybe this is for the best?

[quote Pinkyxx]@Littlelegs2 What a very difficult situation for you, your daughter and GS. Reading your thread I've understood:

1. Your daughter experienced severe DV.
2. her partner is in prison due to the DV
3. She is not yet able to fully recognize the abusive relationship and risk this puts her child in.
4. she has a refuge place, but wants to take the offer of a flat from the L.A.
5. SS are saying it's her choice but taking legal steps.

From this, it sounds like care proceeding are planned, the aim of which to keep your GS safe. Your daughter needs to be able demonstrate she can keep him safe, if she can't SS have a statutory obligation to.

The difficulty is that it's clear your daughter has been deeply affected by the abuse, and the behavior you describe is very common in such cases. It can take a lot of support, help even years to recognize the abuse and start to make healthy choices. It's not her fault, she is very traumatized.

You cannot offer a safe haven for her due to your own situation. My advice is do all in your power to convince her to remain in the refuge and work collaboratively with SS. If she can't see this right now then SS can and must remove your GS until such a time she can demonstrate she can act protectively at all times.[/quote]
If care proceedings are planned then surely its to late ? She has already said no to the 2 bed flat. So is staying in refuge. Ita how she agues wiry them about how they won't listen to her and they are controlling everything.

Unfortunately, half of children are taken into care because their mother won't/isn't able to keep herself or child/ren safe from a violent partner/ex-partner.

It was bad luck that she was offered this flat when she isn't in a position to take it, but her priority must be keeping herself and her child safe.

A refuge is the best place for her to be, but will only be safe if she really does want to cut ties with her abuser.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I know it's tough but my mum was like your dd except it was in the 80's and easier to get away with returning to my dad back then despite being in a refuge with two young dc!
My life was hell. If I could have chosen for my mother I'd have chosen care. I hate my dm for allowing me and dsis to be abused for a lifetime.

I know people will say coercive control etc and fair enough but to put it bluntly, if the mother chooses the violent partner because she's so mentally unstable she finds that the easier option than looking after her dc than the dc have to go. For their sake.
That's the whole point in being an actual mother, to protect your dc. If you can't then someone else needs to take over.

They are trying to control how she handles this because she has shown that she is unable to make the right choices on her own.

Teenage pregnancy. No contact with the father, so he obviously wasnt a good guy. Straight into an abusive relationship with another not great guy. Wont stop contact with him. Gets belligerent when they try to help. Considers leaving a refuge and shouts at them.

She isnt capable of making the right choices. She cant go home and live with you because you've also ended up homeless with kids and no father around?

This is blunt, and cruel, but it is what SS are seeing. You could be wonderful; the most loving mum and attentive grandparent. But look at what SS is seeing. A teenage pregnancy, quickly moving to a new man, continuing contact once his violent nature is exposed without a care for what that will do to her child and no stable home life to go back to, no suitable family home to return to.

Given everything that's happened with his pandemic, many people have found themselves homeless. It very well may not be your fault, but that doesnt make the reality of the situation any different.

If your daughter wont listen, what else do you expect from SS when you really consider what they are seeing.

Maybe the best thing you can do is work with them as much as possible to ensure you can get visits with the child, and if you can get yourself into a stable living situation then you can try to have him placed with you.

The DD must feel she does not have any control in her life. She hasor had an DV boyfriend, she hasgone into a Refuge and now SS are controlling and threatening her.
Refuges are not always a safe place for abused women. Abusive men will get the location from her. Refuges afaik do not have overnight security. Workers leave at 5pm.
Again it comes back to stopping the abusive conduct of males

@Peach01

I read the other threads and this really stood out (not that the rest didn't)

I feel so upset and sad for her and my grandson. I don't understand why she has done this . She was with him for about 9 months . He's not her sons father . So it's not even like it was long term and the violence happend over time. It was all pretty fast.

It's so unfair on your grandson. I also noticed on the other thread that you see him every day. It's really upsetting. She needs to stay away from this man at all costs. I would be as firm as you need to be with her and tell her she will lose her son, his life will be thrown upside down.

Yes he's with me everyday. I do it as a form of support. She does not really have any friends. So in the morning gs watches a bit of TV she potters about does breakfast. Chills out a bit. Then she meets me for 2 ish. She comes on the school run with me. We always wall home takes a good hour but the kids can run about on the grass. Or we cut through a small wooden area which they really enjoy . We get to the local area around 4ish dd them gos to the gym and gets back to me for 7. During this time gs plays with 2 . In the garden have dinner etc.. and she gets to do something she enjoys and some her time. I honestly love her to bits and of course my grandson as well and it will be awful if he is taken away

@Bluntness100

Oh op is she only 18?

Is she really able to look after her child? I know that’s a hard question, but is being raised by her in the child’s best interests? Already their little life has been chaotic. Social services need to protect them and if your daughter is unable to realistically raise them in a stable environment, as hard as it is, maybe this is for the best?

No shes 23. But young

Op are you at risk yourself? Just you mention being homeless and I am worried about you yourself and whether you have capacity to support your daughter without breaking yourself

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

Op are you at risk yourself? Just you mention being homeless and I am worried about you yourself and whether you have capacity to support your daughter without breaking yourself

I'm not at risk. It's just my housing is a bit shit

So is it you your 18 year old and your 6 year old living together at the moment or do you have another younger child as well? If your 18 is still at home could they move out to make more Room for your GS?

Ah ok, well 23 is much better op and you sound a great support. It’s good she’s staying in the refuge, that’s a start. The legal proceeding meeting might scare her enough to stay away from him?

OP said she could take the GS and have 4 children on 2 bunk beds. So she's got 3 children living with her? Plus an 18 year old and this 23 year old daughter?

What a mess. OP I'm not in the UK so can't offer any practical advice, but I wanted to let you know I feel for you. It must be so stressful and upsetting, and you sound like a lovely mum and grandmother. I just hope it works out in the end.

If her partner/ex is that dangerous, an inter-agency meeting is par for the course. It does not necessarily mean the child is being taken away, unless they told you he will be. Sorry I got confused in all the information on this thread.

Is there another family member who would be willing to undergo a viability assessment from ss to see whether they could have care of your gs.

@Littlelegs2 I would say no it's not too late, it's never too late. That doesn't mean your GS won't be temporarily removed. She's made the right choice saying no to the flat BUT her reaction is causing them concern. She is still completely enmeshed in the abusive relationship & projecting on the social worker (i.e. ''they're controlling me''). This is a fragile base. From the way you describe what she says, she seems to be stuck in a ''he's my child'' place which he is but she's missing that she is responsible for him. That means she has to make the right choices for him - but it's clear she can't make them for herself.

She sounds young, and somewhat immature. What she needs is help, help the refuge, her DV support worker can provide. She needs therapy - LOTS of it to understand that she has been abused and that this abuse impacts her child. Her choices impact her child. If she's only 23 this is a huge ask. They need to give her a bit of time for the supportive measures in place to help and monitor her.

Her actions, choices and what she says from now will determine the outcome. If they do place your GS in foster care, if she demonstrates the will to change she may be able to get him back, again with support and monitoring.

I'd be being very blunt and direct with her that yes it's her choice and it's up to her to make the right choice. If she doesn't there will be consequences. I'd also call her social worker and insist she gets the support she needs to start recognizing the things she's doing that are harmful to herself and her child. The Freedom program for example seems like a really important thing for her to do. Is she open to reading? If so suggest she tries to get a copy of one of Lundy Bancroft's books like ''Should I Stay or Should I Go?: ''

So he's not the dad but he's had been visiting him??

@Winter2020

Hi OP, As you would like to have your Grandson (if it comes to that) put yourself forward. Don’t let unsuitable housing stop you. If you are told your housing is unsuitable politely but firmly ask social services to help you access suitable housing. Challenge that as a valid reason. (Then if you are ignored shout louder/MP etc). Children should not be going into care when there are suitable family to take them because of lack of housing.

This is very good advice !

A violent man whose not the boys dad

What a mess

Regardless of your own housing situation do let them (ss) know that you would like to care for him. They may be able to put support in place.

Does this boy have a father? Other grandparents?

She doesn't understand the situation she is in at All to her it's and us and them situation.

They are the enemy and are standing in her way to what she wants.
She doesn't understand at all the risk to her son or the implications of putting him at risk.