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Original poster

Grandson likely to go into care ... im broken

228 replies

Littlelegs2 · 16/06/2021 18:04

Daughter was put in refuge . Just a room. On the same day . She got offered a 2 bed temporary flat and she really wanted it. Told her to contact her social worker for advice. I said to Daughter they won't want you to take the 2 bed. Because the refuge is about you getting in house support keeping your son safe etc . This is what they told her . They were advising her to stay there but also saying it was her choice . They explained how her ex is a heigh risk how he's made threats to kill. How he keeps saying he's going to go after her. That he wants to see her son. And then she kept saying you say I have a choice you say its up to me but it's not is it. She was shouting at them . Then they said to her they have to advice her that they are doing a legal planning meeting and they will send her a list of solicitors. I can't get her to understand very basic things. She keeps saying things like. They won't listen to me. They are stopping me having this nice place to live . She agues over everything. I Don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Blankscreen · 16/06/2021 18:59

I imagine that SS do not trust your dd to keep away from the ex and she will strike up contact again. Maybe they already know about the contact whilst in prison an they want her in the refuge to keep an eye on things

Can DD grasp that it's the flat or her son? Blunt as

nocoolnamesleft · 16/06/2021 19:03

She does have a choice. She can choose to do what social services say, and probably keep her child. Or she can choose to ignore what social services say, and quite probably lose her child. It's still a choice.

WingingItSince1973 · 16/06/2021 19:03

She needs to do everything the ss are asking of her. If she is not meant to be in contact with her ex but has been visiting him then she is risking loosing her son as ss will view her as not being able to keep him safe. We went through this sadly with our dgs and was approved as his kinship carers, though in the end it didn't come to that as dd ended her relationship with the ex and proved beyond doubt she was able to safeguard dgs. Op as much as you would love to have your dgs, if you are in temporary, overcrowded accommodation I don't think ss would see that as a safe environment for the dgs. So sorry. This is an awful thing to happen. Believe me it nearly put me over the edge. We were involved in all the child protection meetings etc. Will you be able to attend these with your daughter?

Funfortheroad · 16/06/2021 19:04

I hate these threads as there’s so much we don’t know (prior SS involvement, nature of ex’s crimes, why contact wasn’t allowed and why she went ahead, why she’s moving into a refuge if he’s in prison, neglect, substance use etc) yet people will still wade in with opinions.

The situation sounds chaotic and it doesn’t sound like your daughter is cooperating. If she wants to keep her son safe she needs to do everything they ask her to. If that’s staying at the refuge then she needs to stay. It’s her best chance.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/06/2021 19:05

@Bythemillpond because she doesn't intend to stay in the refuge. She wants to the the 2 bed flat, which will be handy when her ex comes out of prison

TooCloseToTheProject · 16/06/2021 19:05

Sorry to hear that your GS, DD and you are going through this OP.

Even if you're overcrowded its still worth putting yourself forward to care for your GS. How old is he as he doesn't automatically need a room of his own.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 16/06/2021 19:07

Are you anywhere near the top of the housing list @Littlelegs2? You say you’re overcrowded and homeless? Are you in temp accommodation yourself?

MaBroon21 · 16/06/2021 19:09

You sound like a lovely granny Littlelegs and from one granny to another i feel for you very much.

Stichintime · 16/06/2021 19:10

She has to do what social services are asking her, to the letter. Does the ex know where you live?

theconstantheadache · 16/06/2021 19:11

Op they want her to stay as she's had contact so her getting a flat would suggest to me he would be straight around and putting DGS at risk.
She has to stay their until she can see the bigger picture, be better off and learn and grow for her own sake snd her sons.
The last thing they want to do is remove a child from their mother but if their at risk of real danger and harm they have to and any one would.
I hope she sees sense snd stress to her this is why, he will easily get into her head as all abusers do and get their way back in. Their awful manipulative people. If she's making them believe otherwise they will take action. Sorry op x

felulageller · 16/06/2021 19:12

If she's shouting at the worker she won't help herself!

She needs to apologise asap and do EXACTLY what's in the child's plan.

baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:13

I feel for you OP.
Your daughter sounds so blinkered and selfish.

Gingerkittykat · 16/06/2021 19:14

Were you at the meeting where she shouted at the social workers?

It sounds like the ex has a grip on her, has she had any specialised counselling through women's aid or similar?

I hope that they keep her son safe and she doesn't end up in the toxic cycle of getting back with an abuser.

drpet49 · 16/06/2021 19:18

* I imagine that SS do not trust your dd to keep away from the ex and she will strike up contact again.*

^Well SS are correct. The daughter has had 20 hours contact time with the ex whilst he has been in prison. Sorry OP but your DD isn’t looking out for your GS at all. SS are right to intervene.

Xtraincome · 16/06/2021 19:18

Oh dear OP. I am sorry to hear this. Can you see her face 2 face and talk it out a bit? Get her to hopefully see how damaging it could be for her DS if she doesn't get some real perspective on the situation?

I am sorry you're going through this awful time.

lunar1 · 16/06/2021 19:20

Is there anyone in your circle who she will listen to? If she has already done prison visits that SS asked her not to she may have already ruined her chances.

She has limited opportunity to get SS to have some faith in her at this point, she's done the right thing in going to the refuge.

SS will not only be protecting your DGS but also making sure his dad isn't an influence on his behaviour and development.

Original poster

Littlelegs2 · 16/06/2021 19:20

@Bluntness100

Ok but why does her son have to go into care?

Clearly they don’t think they will be safe if she lives independently, which is possibly valid, but why does the child need to go into care?

When he's been in prison he's tried to contact her on several occasions. She reported them all until recently. She was talking to him for 20 hrs. So now there are trust type issues.

OP posts:

viques · 16/06/2021 19:21

@Bythemillpond

Because social services want her in a refuge so she can get the help she needs in order to keep her son safe

So why if she has done what they said and gone into a refuge are they planning on taking her child

Because the housing department have offered her a two bedroom Ed flat which she wants to accept. But if she does then when the abusive ex is released at the end of the week neither she nor the OPs grandson will be safe. So SS will take the boy into care because that way he will be protected. The ex must be a very nasty piece of work if they are prepared to do this.

Mumkins42 · 16/06/2021 19:23

I feel for you so much, such an agonising situation. If your daughter refuses to see that she must, for now, stay in the refuge for the safety of her son, and also continued to visit the violent ex in prison, she isn't providing a safe environment for your grandson and I understand why SS intervene. I know it must be awful being in a place like this but there will be steps in the future surely for her to move towards a place of her own. Now, she needs to accept the help she is being offered to keep her and your grandson safe - that is in the refuge.

Does your daughter listen to you. Can you get this through to her? Between you both, is there any way you could be near each other to help support the raising of your grandson? Devastating for you all, especially this poor lad.

viques · 16/06/2021 19:24

@Funfortheroad

I think we know enough from little legs to understand that there is a violent and abusive man, a vulnerable woman with low self esteem , and a child. Not a good mix, someone could get badly hurt.

BlueDaises · 16/06/2021 19:24

Can't add anything OP, just wanted to say how sorry I am to read of these awful circumstances you all find yourselves in. I can only suggest as everyone else has, she listen and follow the advice given.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/06/2021 19:29

I think they are concerned she isn't going to safeguard your grandson, but like everyone else hard to know without far more detail that probably shouldn't be online ...

Your dd is an adult and can make bad choices but a child can't be put at risk.

I was in a refuge and saw a child removed. It was 14 years ago and still ingrained. She needs to start prioratising her ds not ex or not so ex

Peach01 · 16/06/2021 19:29

This must be so hard for you. It's heartbreaking for your grandson to be taken away from his mum and into care.

I wish your daughter would do everything they advise and manage to stay away from her ex. It's the only way.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 19:30

Ok so basically she isn’t going to keep her son safe from him and break contact so the child will be taken into care.

Please don’t be heartbroken, at least he will be safe op,💐

Motleyvegetables · 16/06/2021 19:30

OP I would suggest you have a look at the Family Rights Group website. I think they also have a support line - there’s a help and advice section where I think you can find more info about contacting them.

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