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Original poster

Grandson likely to go into care ... im broken

228 replies

Littlelegs2 · 16/06/2021 18:04

Daughter was put in refuge . Just a room. On the same day . She got offered a 2 bed temporary flat and she really wanted it. Told her to contact her social worker for advice. I said to Daughter they won't want you to take the 2 bed. Because the refuge is about you getting in house support keeping your son safe etc . This is what they told her . They were advising her to stay there but also saying it was her choice . They explained how her ex is a heigh risk how he's made threats to kill. How he keeps saying he's going to go after her. That he wants to see her son. And then she kept saying you say I have a choice you say its up to me but it's not is it. She was shouting at them . Then they said to her they have to advice her that they are doing a legal planning meeting and they will send her a list of solicitors. I can't get her to understand very basic things. She keeps saying things like. They won't listen to me. They are stopping me having this nice place to live . She agues over everything. I Don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
ineedagoodqualityrant · 16/06/2021 19:31

OP you must tell her she does not have a choice. Her SW saying "choice" is confusing her, in reality she does not have a choice.

SWs really should be trained to communicate better with women in this frame of mind, women who have been subjected to DV and traumatised, rather than confusing them with "choices" fgs.

Tell her she must not see ex again and that she has to follow advice or she may get killed or her child may be hurt. Tell her it will be difficult and it will hurt but that if she accepts she has to cut off contact and accepts help her life and her child's life will improve and she will one day meet someone who loves her and is not violent and that you understand that she can't see it yet, but she will. She does not have a choice now but if she accepts advice and help she will have choices in the future.

Tell her in blunt terms.

Tell her how much her child will suffer if he is taken into care , if she takes the 2 bed or continues to see her ex

She may not listen but she needs to hear it in clear plain terms so that one day it will make a difference.

Hopefully she will listen though.

baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:31

These mothers depress me no end

HollowTalk · 16/06/2021 19:32

@Bluntness100

Ok but why does her son have to go into care?

Clearly they don’t think they will be safe if she lives independently, which is possibly valid, but why does the child need to go into care?

To keep him safe! Where else is he meant to go to? The OP can't have him. His mum won't keep him safe. He needs to go into care.
HollowTalk · 16/06/2021 19:34

Sorry, I can see that you've answered that yourself.

ineedagoodqualityrant · 16/06/2021 19:36

@Bluntness100

Ok so basically she isn’t going to keep her son safe from him and break contact so the child will be taken into care.

Please don’t be heartbroken, at least he will be safe op,💐

If only this were the case - going into care is pretty hellish, and he won't necessarily be safe unfortunately. I think the OP would do better to keep trying to help her dd see the reality of her situation.
User57327259 · 16/06/2021 19:37

It seems that PP can see that the DD is vulnerable and the boyfriend has her under his control. The DGS is likely in danger from the same person as his mother,
The problem here is the conduct of the boyfriend. It would seem that the boyfriend is the wrong doer especially as he is in prison.

The cure would be to stop the boyfriend's ability to control the DD and that would safe guard DD and DGS.
Cure the source and that will solve the problem.
SS are setting this up for DD and DGS to be heartbroken and also OP as the DGM and presumably the siblings of DD and DC of OP

korawick12345 · 16/06/2021 19:42

OP do you have your own young children at the moment as well? How old is your DD?

noseyneighbours · 16/06/2021 19:42

@Bluntness100

Ok but why does her son have to go into care?

Clearly they don’t think they will be safe if she lives independently, which is possibly valid, but why does the child need to go into care?

It's because of this:

The thing is that dd had 20 hours of contact with him whilst in prison when she should not have.

From previous posts from the OP, her daughter has a Non Mol and restraining order against her ex. He's been in prison for abuse but she's had 20 hours of contact with him plus, a friend has been passing info to him about their whereabouts. Because he's highly dangerous and has threatened to kill her, her son is not safe. They want her to stay in the refuge as he's being released soon and is likely to find her in a two bed but not in a refuge.

Original poster
Littlelegs2 · 16/06/2021 19:44

@Bluntness100

Op are you saying your grandson is likely going to go into care becayse she will continue to see her ex ? That she continued to see him in jail and as such your grandson will be taken into care?
Sorry if I'm not being clear. Emotions/stress is taking over.

So he went into prison due to the dv. Whilst in prison he wrote to her. She reported it. And he tried to contact her by phone loads of time again she reported it. He even had a mobile is prison. That had got sneaked in. She was doing well doing all she should. And for what ever reason (I don't know ) she took his calls. Which is what triggered everything. She has not phisally seen him though. Social services are saying if interaction can happen whilst he's in prison what will it be like when he's out .

OP posts:
ineedagoodqualityrant · 16/06/2021 19:45

@User57327259

It seems that PP can see that the DD is vulnerable and the boyfriend has her under his control. The DGS is likely in danger from the same person as his mother, The problem here is the conduct of the boyfriend. It would seem that the boyfriend is the wrong doer especially as he is in prison. The cure would be to stop the boyfriend's ability to control the DD and that would safe guard DD and DGS. Cure the source and that will solve the problem. SS are setting this up for DD and DGS to be heartbroken and also OP as the DGM and presumably the siblings of DD and DC of OP
i agree - I think CP just is not good enough, not competent to deal with people in a way that would bring about the best long term outcome for the children involved.

I have been in a DV situation, no dc at that time thank god, and the psychological affect shouldn't be underestimated. Her ex makes promises and she is so battered down she sees his promises almost as her only lifeline currently - to then give her confusing "choices" which she clearly does not understand is just ridiculously poor care. She needs clear information.

Winter2020 · 16/06/2021 19:47

Hi OP,
As you would like to have your Grandson (if it comes to that) put yourself forward. Don’t let unsuitable housing stop you. If you are told your housing is unsuitable politely but firmly ask social services to help you access suitable housing. Challenge that as a valid reason. (Then if you are ignored shout louder/MP etc). Children should not be going into care when there are suitable family to take them because of lack of housing.

wizzywig · 16/06/2021 19:48

But she does have a choice: carry on relationship and lose the child. End relationship and maintain this stance and keep your child. If she can't understand that a refuge allows protection and oversight of her behaviour, then I'm kind of lost as to what else can be done.

itsgettingwierd · 16/06/2021 19:49

@Bythemillpond

Because social services want her in a refuge so she can get the help she needs in order to keep her son safe

So why if she has done what they said and gone into a refuge are they planning on taking her child

My understanding is they will possibly apply for an order for protection care if she moves into the 2 bed. This is because they don't believe she'll keep him safe from his violent father.

I agree with above poster about seeking SS to take him on yourself and ask about support with housing to do this.

LIZS · 16/06/2021 19:49

Are you sure it is care proceedings and not an intervention to keep child with mother and protected? What is it your dd cannot understand, does she have any additional needs herself? She needs to follow sw advice and not contact ex even third hand.

Unsure33 · 16/06/2021 19:51

Oh gosh @Littlelegs2. I just read the bit where she had made contact with ex when told not to . Sorry I don’t hold out much hope . They will put safety of the child first. They will do everything they can to try and help but if she ignores them then that’s her fault I am afraid.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 16/06/2021 19:52

So you have multiple young children and you are homeless.

Your daughter has a child and is homeless. She is also willingly in contact with her violent ex despite being told it will cost her her son. They've managed to get her in a refuge, but now she's trying to move into a flat just as her ex gets out of prison and she has been told if she does that then she will lose her son because she cannot be trusted to stay away from her ex. And she still wants to move.

Neither of you sound in the position to provide a safe, suitable and stable home for this boy. Some families just arent suited to have anymore children. It's a horrible fact, but it is a fact. This child needs to be somewhere safe, and right now, that safe place is not within your family.

Unsure33 · 16/06/2021 19:53

@wizzywig

Exactly I know someone who had two children taken off her because she would not stop seeing ex even when police were called to fights. So sad

noseyneighbours · 16/06/2021 19:54

OP can you contact your MP: www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-an-mp-or-lord/contact-your-mp/

HavelockVetinari · 16/06/2021 19:54

Honestly, if she won't keep your DGS safe then he's much better off away from her. I'm so sorry for you, it must be awful to know your DD prioritises a short relationship over her DS. Sad

BronwenFrideswide · 16/06/2021 19:55

Social services are saying if interaction can happen whilst he's in prison what will it be like when he's out

Thankfully they do appear to have the child's best interests as the number one priority unlike everyone else in this.

itsgettingwierd · 16/06/2021 19:55

Libraries that's unfair. We have no details to the OPs homelessness and reasons why and not should she have to provide that.

Life throws curveballs at times and anyone can end up homeless for one reason or another.

There's nothing to suggest the OP isn't capable of taking her GS in if she has the correct housing.

Haffiana · 16/06/2021 19:55

You have posted about this before. You are in an impossible situation.

If your daughter cannot keep away from the man who is a danger to her child then it is absolutely necessary for the child to go into care to keep him safe. Your daughter does not understand this, and she therefore cannot protect her son.

I cannot tell from what you say if your daughter has learning difficulties or is co-dependant, but it does seem that she genuinely cannot understand that her choice is between her boyfriend and protecting her child. Her child cannot be left with her unless she is supervised.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 16/06/2021 19:57

Oh dear, it sounds like a totally toxic relationship and she sounds extremely immature as well.

Unfortunately I don't think whatever op or anyone says will help her understand anything at all she sounds too young and short sighted.

Op I would see what can be done about you looking after him.
Unfortunately it sounds like dd and this man will be in and out of love for a long time Sad

me4real · 16/06/2021 20:01

The cure would be to stop the boyfriend's ability to control the DD and that would safe guard DD and DGS. Cure the source and that will solve the problem.

@User57327259 Yes, that's what they would ideally try and do if she were in the refuge, give her insight. For instance, a lot of women in DV relationships are sent on/encouraged to do the Freedom Programme, and a certificate of having done that can help with SS. There may be similar stuff inside the refuge.

But if she moves out then they can't do it so much.