Do you look up to your parents?

[Notwhatyousaid]

I am really struggling with memories from my childhood, and also with how my parents treat my children.
I think they were good parents and I think we all turned out ok. But there are so many things I am not comfortable with.
Is it more normal to want to be like your parents, or to want to be different? I keep telling myself it's good to be different, but my parents give lots of messages that I should be just like them.

No I don't look up to them at all.
Thry fed us and we were clean etc. But there wasn't any nuturing. I remember starting my periods and mum gave me huge brick like - maternity sized pads. Then she shouted not to leave a mess or it would scare my younger brothers.
That type of thing was common. She's still hard and lacks empathy.
Also dad was hardworking but mum watches crap on TV and lies in bed all day everyday. So not exactly a good role model.
I'm the opposite of them. Listen to our dc. Make sure they feel wanted and loved.

It's hard as you get older and see that things were wrong. I remember having a birthday party when I was 12 and had a few friends. Mum had told everyone I had no friends and screamed at me after the party that it made a liar and a show of her. If it was my own dc I would quietly be content that the party went well. If we go on holiday now (rare I know) she has a 'fall' or something that prevents us asking about the holiday and she cries and makes everything about her.

Parents are just people. Some stuff about my parents I admire, other stuff I abhore.

So no, I don't look up to them - as an adult I don't look up to anyone.

No, they put themselves first everytime. A little consideration would have been nice.

Thanks snog, that is a helpful response. Nugget, sorry to hear about your mum but it sounds like you are doing a much better job.

In some ways (eg they’ve been married happily for 50 years and always respectful to each other) but not in other ways - they’re waaay too introvert for my liking and were pretty stand-offish with other families in our community when I was growing up (a bit insular).

Nuggetnugget sounds like we had exactly the same experience. My dad was a narcissist and my mum emotionally numb…. I remember choking on a piece of meat and she sat there and literally didn’t move or show any concern. It’s filtered into my own personal relationships, but I’ve vowed not to treat my children the same.

God no. My parents were abusive, neglectful, selfish, awful people. The best I can say about them is they kept me alive. And I discovered some things as an adult which makes me surprised they even managed that!

It made me sad for a long time but I made a lovely life for myself and my own DC and that helps a lot. Such toxic people as my parents are, never find happiness. They’re not capable of being truly happy. So they’ve had to live with that their whole lives. At least I found happiness once I was away from them.

My mum has been there for me through thick and thin, she's my role model.
My dad? I'm struggling to find him a father's day card because none of them portray how inadequate he his.

No, not really. I love my dm, she wasn't a bad parent, and we get on now, but we have a more equal feeling relationship.

I suppose there are things I'd ask for her advice about as she knows a lot, but there are things she'd ask me about too.

Interesting question. For me as an adult now, I see them as just human. They tried, they made mistakes, they have strengths and shortcomings like all of us but at the end of the day they're just people.

I look to my parents as an example of how not to raise children. That's about it really. Our physical needs were met , food , shelter and clothing but our emotional ones were sadly neglected and add in physical and emotional punishments and it messed us up quite badly. Thankfully I've made huge strides due to therapy but my sibling spent a decade in an alcoholic stupor. I often think that they genuinely had no idea what they were doing and were just copying what their parents did but on the flip side they were two intelligent people in their 30s. They had the wherewithal to research and learn better ways but they chose the lazy way out and decided to continue the legacy. It ends with me thankfully.

No. They have good qualities and my childhood was fine - lots of nice bits. I wouldn't say I look up to them though and there are lots of things I try to do differently, there are also lots of flaws they have which I see in myself and try to mitigate.

Christ no. They’re everything I never want to be. If I end up like either of them I’ll have failed. My mum has always been loving and supportive but she’s also my dad’s enabler and never puts herself first. I make sure I always take care of myself and my own interests before anyone else.

No, sadly not.
My mother is such a martyr, mired in denial and up to her neck in defence mechanisms. They both projected all of their low self-esteem crap on to me and feel like the victims of me. My Dad is my Mum's institutionalised food soldier. He thinks what she thinks. He tells me off for hurting her when it was the other way around. And they hold their marriage up to me as some ideal that I missed out on (long term single here). I wish I could unsee the dysfunction

@Nuggetnugget

*'09:44Nuggetnugget

No I don't look up to them at all.
Thry fed us and we were clean etc. But there wasn't any nuturing. I remember starting my periods and mum gave me huge brick like - maternity sized pads. Then she shouted not to leave a mess or it would scare my younger brothers.
That type of thing was common. She's still hard and lacks empathy.
Also dad was hardworking but mum watches crap on TV and lies in bed all day everyday. So not exactly a good role model.
I'm the opposite of them. Listen to our dc. Make sure they feel wanted and loved.'

Gosh i could have written your experience almost word for word about my dm. Exactly the same she gave me unbranded huge thick sanitary pads instead of appropriate size for a young girl starting her period. I remember crying in my room as they were so huge and i couldnt fit it in my underwear and the whole thing was awful. I remember a friend's dm getting her pretty new underwear little scented bags and appropriate products and thinking oh why didn't my dm do that!
Like yours she made everything about her and would stay up late watching rubbish tv than lay in bed half the day while i got myself ready for school. The worst part was she thought she was an amazing Mother and still does! I would never treat my dc the way she treated me. She also was so hard and never told me she loved me growing up and would love to tell others my downfalls even infront of me "oh popcorn fell over today and holed her leggins for the 3rd time" "popcorn did/didn't do this in school"etc.

I don't look up to them as such, but I respect them. They did a good job raising us. There are aspects of their parenting that I wouldn't replicate, but they did the best they knew how.

They have a loving marriage 40yrs on.
They moved away from a small town and their families, to give us a more well rounded up bringing. And they've done very well for themselves financially, despite being raised in very poor families.

They're very supportive of the life choices we've made and are "hands on" grandparents. They're good people.

ps, it's ok to have different values /parenting goals from your parents.

My mother reprimanded my daughter if she said even ''oh God'' and I told my mother to back off and her obsession with not taking the lord's name in vain was not something I had any investment in to upholding. It really confuses my mother, that I don't have the same (correct) values as her.

Yes I do. They raised 7 successful, well rounded, happy now adult children. I have 2 kids now and can not figure out how they managed it all.

No.

Interesting question
I don’t look up to them, they’re only human with flaws.
But they are lovely caring, selfless people who would do anything for their family and friends. They’re great company, help out when needed, still independent. Married for over 50 years. I know we’re very lucky to have been brought up by them.

We're quite different people. I don't think they did anything wrong, they're good parents overall but I wouldn't want to recreate my Mum's life. She's happy with it though which is what matters!

No. They're both incredibly flawed and selfish human beings. If anything, I use them as a benchmark for how not to parent my own children.

I love them, but no. I wouldn’t want to be like them. At all.

I look at them as an example of the type of relationship I will never let myself be in and the type of parents I’ll never let myself be 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t get me wrong, physically we had what we needed - we were fed and clothed and educated and had a roof over our head, but in terms of emotional support there never has been any.

They hate each other but are still living together because it’s easier. We grew up with constant shouting and fighting. I have absolutely no memory of ever being told that they love me etc. No family days out/holidays/occasions. The one occasion of mine they ever came to was my graduation after I left home and put myself through uni - they ruined the day by fighting so we left before the pictures had even been taken.

I now have my own DS after going through pregnancy in lockdown with a DH who works away from home. They live 5 minutes away and offered no emotional or practical support during pregnancy or when DS was newborn etc. They’ve seen him 5 times in 7.5months and are just as emotionally cold with him as they are with me.

I’ll strive to ensure DS never grows up in a household where he hears constant fighting and I will support him emotionally and physically for the rest of my life!