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Do you look up to your parents?

57 replies

Notwhatyousaid · 13/06/2021 09:37

I am really struggling with memories from my childhood, and also with how my parents treat my children.
I think they were good parents and I think we all turned out ok. But there are so many things I am not comfortable with.
Is it more normal to want to be like your parents, or to want to be different? I keep telling myself it's good to be different, but my parents give lots of messages that I should be just like them.

OP posts:
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ilovebagpuss · 13/06/2021 15:44

I appreciate my parents for a good kind loving upbringing. They were human and made some mistakes as do I but nothing huge.
I don’t look up to them as such but I do aspire to be as kind and giving as they have been with time and resources and support.
Sadly lost DM 2 years ago but she was an amazing strong woman who I loved dearly.
Both good and loving grandparents, had the kids a lot never said no If we needed help.
To know you can genuinely call someone who will help you put things right no matter what is a huge gift. I always knew I had that and it gave me a lot of confidence and safety in life.

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monkeytenniss · 13/06/2021 15:34

I look up to my mum. She had a shit childhood and broke free of that to raise us, the cycle of abuse stopped with her and I admire her strength in implementing that, as her family are toxic. She steered us gently, only guiding us and never dictating to us. She rewarded effort, not achievement. She was hugely proud of us, but she never boasted. Even after her death I look to her memory when I am stuck and needing advice.

I love my dad but I cannot rely on him emotionally, he checked out when mum died. He just wants to make small talk and bounce his grandchildren on his knee. He hasn't bothered making a Will, so we will have a massive issue when he dies and his live-in partner refuses to leave his house. He buries his head under the sand and makes pathetic excuses when we all beg him to make provision for when he dies. He hasn't much to leave, so it's not about the amount, it's about the issues him dying intestate will create. He has no idea that I was nearly hospitalised with postnatal psychosis a few years ago, telling him would have achieved nothing.

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Shorthairlady · 13/06/2021 14:52

@Nuggetnugget I had a ver similar experience when I started my period - the advice I received was "huh, you know what that means don't you?". I actually did thankfully but wasn't given that pertinent information by my parents! Go figure. Confused

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MiniTheMinx · 13/06/2021 14:43

Loved and respected them, yes. Look up to them, no. I had a good childhood with lots of happy memories, never had to ask for anything and I was listened to and included in some decisions effecting me. They encouraged critical thinking, hobbies, and reading. They were not strict, and my mother was my best friend.

I have taken what was good and applied it to raising DCs. Only failing I think was the unintentional lack of advice and ambition for me. My failing I think would be that I'm too laid back and I also don't push the DCs. But unlike my parents I have paid for tutors, done HEd, encouraged their independent enquiry, and involved myself in actually helping them with their education. My parents were useless in this respect.

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Petalplucker · 13/06/2021 14:41

Yes that's a very good point Macaroni46 . As it happens, I do think our generation are more willing to admit fault whereas it wasn't the done thing in my parents day. Overall we were expected to be much more deferential and unquestioning as children too. Those are general societal changes though rather than those imposed or introduced by individuals.

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PompomDahlia · 13/06/2021 14:41

@YukiCarrot and @SilverOtter this is completely it. We used to laugh at my mum when really she was probably struggling with mental health and trying to keep things together. But i really wish she’d got some help. Something I’ve learned from trying to do things differently is that I make sure I take care of myself and treat myself to nice things

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Macaroni46 · 13/06/2021 14:33

@Petalplucker I quite agree. However, the difference is (well, for me anyway) is that I'm willing to admit my shortcomings as a parent and have done to date.
My parents would not concede even one tiny bit that they'd done anything wrong or just denied things happened - like leaving alone all night in the house when I was 13 years old - never happened apparently. I'm just malicious and nasty inventing such things!

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Whyhello · 13/06/2021 14:16

Nope. I’m NC with my Dad which was his decision, he decided he didn’t want to be a part of my life when I reached adulthood as if his job as a parent was done. Wanker. My Mum made sure I was clean, clothed, fed and our house was always spotless but she provided very little else. She liked getting drunk at the weekend with her friends and we were dragged along, had to sit in the pub until closing time most Saturday’s. She didn’t put very much effort into emotionally caring for me at all.

I’ve actually worked towards being completely opposite to my parents now I’m a parent myself.

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Petalplucker · 13/06/2021 14:13

Sorry I should have said that I obviously exclude abusive parents from my generalisations below.

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Petalplucker · 13/06/2021 14:10

Our DC will judge us, not DD!

(Although my DD who is going through a difficult teen phase is judging me quite harshly ATM as it happens Confused.)

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Petalplucker · 13/06/2021 14:07

@cheeseislife8

Interesting question. For me as an adult now, I see them as just human. They tried, they made mistakes, they have strengths and shortcomings like all of us but at the end of the day they're just people.

Exactly this!

The broad premise of this thread seems to be that we the adult children are somehow superior beings, certainly superior parents, compared to our parents. And sure, parenting has moved on, we perhaps know more now than they did, but I guess we are pretty much, more or less, the same as each generation, with just as many strengths and flaws.

I wonder how our DC will judge us? We will probably say "I've tried hard and I am an ok parent I think" but I suspect that our DD will judge us more harshly than we might imagine.
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Macaroni46 · 13/06/2021 13:47

No. Selfish, self-centred, weak (dad), narcissist (mum), neglectful, manipulative, gave me very little in any sense ie emotional support, child care, financial, (which would be ok) IF they hadn't demanded so much of that from me.

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PhilCornwall1 · 13/06/2021 12:58

I don't no.

I had a good childhood, but over the last few years, my mother has shown what she really is, a snob that is blinded by money and how big your house and car is. The bigger your house and bank balance, the better you are.

What clinched it for me was when she was talking about somebody they had met somewhere, I'll never forget the words "oh they have a very big property, lovely car and pots of money. Definitely our sort of people.".

Having now been a parent for 19 years, I can see both my mother and father made very questionable parenting decisions.

Whilst they are my parents, as a person, I don't like my mother that much and my father is just a racist sod who thinks he is always right.

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TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/06/2021 12:42

I think it's just being an adult - you begin to see your parents like anyone else, flaws and all. And when you have children, it's difficult not to compare now they raised you with how you raise your children. For that reason, no, I don't look up to either of my parents. A lot of shit happened and they both, separately, could have done better.

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YukiCarrot · 13/06/2021 12:36

@SilverOtter

I think the hardest thing is when, as an adult, you realise you don't look up to them.

I adored and idolised my dad growing up, he ways my hero. He was funny and so clever , always poking fun at my mum who as children we thought was always slightly hysterical and very shouty.

I now know that he repeatedly cheated on her, did awful heartless things and basically just treated her with utter contempt.

Over the last few years my relationship with my dad has broken down to the point now where I don't think it is retrievable. We moved away a couple of years ago and soon as that happen it felt like I just didn't exist to him. He'd only contact me when he needed my input or some action on eg legal matters.

It hurts.

I could have written that first part myself.

Very tough realising your 'idol' dad isn't as great and funny as you thought he was when you were a child.

I had a new found appreciation and love for my mum as I got older and understood 'more'. I felt terrible, reflecting on all the stuff he used to poke fun at her for, when she must have been so hurt and stressed by all of his actions going on behind the scenes, but just chose to put a brave face on for me.
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YukiCarrot · 13/06/2021 12:29

I look up to my grandparents. Hard working, financially sensible, caring, supportive, fun and just generally incredible grandparents and people.

Definitely do not look up to my dad. Sounds awful, but he has taught me everything I do not want to be - he is irresponsible in every aspect of his life and I'll leave it at that.

I love and adore my lovely mum, I look up to her in the sense that she is hard working and had a tough time bringing me up as a single mum.

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SilverOtter · 13/06/2021 12:29

I think the hardest thing is when, as an adult, you realise you don't look up to them.

I adored and idolised my dad growing up, he ways my hero. He was funny and so clever , always poking fun at my mum who as children we thought was always slightly hysterical and very shouty.

I now know that he repeatedly cheated on her, did awful heartless things and basically just treated her with utter contempt.

Over the last few years my relationship with my dad has broken down to the point now where I don't think it is retrievable. We moved away a couple of years ago and soon as that happen it felt like I just didn't exist to him. He'd only contact me when he needed my input or some action on eg legal matters.

It hurts.

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BogRollBOGOF · 13/06/2021 12:27

I had a good childhood, but we're different people in different circumstances so while I respect them, I don't "look up" in an aspirational way. I am myself.

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MondeoFan · 13/06/2021 12:23

@museumum @Missusblusky1 my parents are the same. Married 50 years. Not friendly to any neighbours etc both had still don't have any friends. My mum is shy but looks standoffish. My mum in particular was cold growing up and lacked emotion. She wasn't kind, or warm, never cuddled us or said she loved us. If I cried about something she'd look away as if it was shameful to cry.
My dad was great in the sense he worked hard and provided for us, my mum never worked. My dad bought us both our first car and showed us how to look after the car. E.g maintenance and washing it etc

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PompomDahlia · 13/06/2021 12:17

I think they tried their best and meant well, but inevitably made some wrong decisions. There are aspects of their lives and personalities that I find really frustrating.

As I’ve got older I really appreciate the life DH and I are making. Some of that is around trying to undo generational stuff, so having therapy. My mum had a really bad childhood but is a complete stoic and would never talk about it and really should have got some help with mental health, which impacted my upbringing. There was lots of focus on education and getting a good job as the be all and end all but not much on emotional well-being.

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imaginethemdragons · 13/06/2021 12:11

No.
Shite parents.
Ok people but shite parents.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/06/2021 12:05

I do love my mum but I don't have much respect for her for various reasons and I don't always think she acted in my best interests as a child.

I'm NC with my dad, he's served multiple prison sentences for various things and has 5 children with 4 different women that he has never provided for.

In conclusion, no, I do not look up to my parents and don't want to be like either of them.

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JustLyra · 13/06/2021 11:57

No. They were selfish, abusive, neglectful, drink & drug addled horrors.

My Grandparents, who we lived with from when I was 7, I absolutely looked up to. My PIL absolutely abd DH’s first MiL absolutely.

It took a lot of counselling before I felt safe knowing I wasn’t going to be like my parents with my children.

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LubaLuca · 13/06/2021 11:52

No. I love them, but I don't aspire to be like them. They weren't good parents, and have never been what anyone would describe as 'good people'.

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Thelnebriati · 13/06/2021 11:47

What Snog said, plus my job as a parent it to advocate for my kids. So step in between them, say 'no thats not ok' and put a boundary in place. If they cross it, enforce it.
You have to model doing that for your kids so that they can do it for themselves.

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