Do you look up to your parents?

[Notwhatyousaid]

I am really struggling with memories from my childhood, and also with how my parents treat my children.
I think they were good parents and I think we all turned out ok. But there are so many things I am not comfortable with.
Is it more normal to want to be like your parents, or to want to be different? I keep telling myself it's good to be different, but my parents give lots of messages that I should be just like them.

[DumpyDonkey]

No I don't.

They were good parents and brought up well rounded children but that makes them good parents and not by default someone to 'look up to'.

There are many trails of my parents that I dislike which are becoming more prominent as they get older.

[Gladimnotcampinginthisweather]

If my father was a child now I think he would have been diagnosed with autism. He didn't do anything wrong, he was just 'there'.
My mother was very selfish and it was her way or the wrong way, until she mellowed at about 90.
I tried to be the kind of parent I would have wanted, but I think some of my children, especially the eldest, would still say I had major flaws.
I think we have to accept that no one is perfect.

[mumto2teenagers]

I do. I was lucky to have a really good childhood. I was also very lucky that they have been involved in my children's life, we live close to my parents so my children have spent a lot of time with my them. When bringing up my children I would often ask my Mum for advice.

[Dogsandbabies]

I look up to my dad. He made mistakes of course, all of us do. But on the whole he has always been my rock. He was a fantastic dad, always put us first and even after he divorced with my mum he was there to support us. He is now a loving and lovely grandparent that my children adore and really look forward to spending time with.

I hope my kids feel the same way about me.

I don't look up to my mum as much. She had an alcohol abuse problem and died when she was 40. But I still pick out certain things I am proud of and aspire to. She was great at her job and it was a high level FD role in a massive company in the late 80s. So I really respected that.

[Pinkchocolate]

I look up to my parents. They have both been a massive, positive part of mine and my children’s lives and I would be over the moon to be as good a parent as they are. Naturally, we don’t agree on everything but we are still very respectful of each other.

[AlexaShutUp]

I don't know if I look up to them exactly. I love them dearly and I respect them, but I recognise them as flawed human beings like the rest of us. There are many ways in which I aspire to be like them, and there are many ways in which I aspire to be different. Overall, they are good people and they have been good parents/grandparents. I am immensely grateful for all that they have done, but I do not put them on any pedestals. I don't think they would want me to, actually.

[TulipsTwoLips]

Yes, my mum in particular. But it's because of the strong, capable person she is, not because I believe you have to look up to someone just because they are your parent.

[Thelnebriati]

What Snog said, plus my job as a parent it to advocate for my kids. So step in between them, say 'no thats not ok' and put a boundary in place. If they cross it, enforce it.
You have to model doing that for your kids so that they can do it for themselves.

[LubaLuca]

No. I love them, but I don't aspire to be like them. They weren't good parents, and have never been what anyone would describe as 'good people'.

[JustLyra]

No. They were selfish, abusive, neglectful, drink & drug addled horrors.

My Grandparents, who we lived with from when I was 7, I absolutely looked up to. My PIL absolutely abd DH’s first MiL absolutely.

It took a lot of counselling before I felt safe knowing I wasn’t going to be like my parents with my children.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

I do love my mum but I don't have much respect for her for various reasons and I don't always think she acted in my best interests as a child.

I'm NC with my dad, he's served multiple prison sentences for various things and has 5 children with 4 different women that he has never provided for.

In conclusion, no, I do not look up to my parents and don't want to be like either of them.

[imaginethemdragons]

No.
Shite parents.
Ok people but shite parents.

[PompomDahlia]

I think they tried their best and meant well, but inevitably made some wrong decisions. There are aspects of their lives and personalities that I find really frustrating.

As I’ve got older I really appreciate the life DH and I are making. Some of that is around trying to undo generational stuff, so having therapy. My mum had a really bad childhood but is a complete stoic and would never talk about it and really should have got some help with mental health, which impacted my upbringing. There was lots of focus on education and getting a good job as the be all and end all but not much on emotional well-being.

[MondeoFan]

@museumum @Missusblusky1 my parents are the same. Married 50 years. Not friendly to any neighbours etc both had still don't have any friends. My mum is shy but looks standoffish. My mum in particular was cold growing up and lacked emotion. She wasn't kind, or warm, never cuddled us or said she loved us. If I cried about something she'd look away as if it was shameful to cry.
My dad was great in the sense he worked hard and provided for us, my mum never worked. My dad bought us both our first car and showed us how to look after the car. E.g maintenance and washing it etc

[BogRollBOGOF]

I had a good childhood, but we're different people in different circumstances so while I respect them, I don't "look up" in an aspirational way. I am myself.

[SilverOtter]

I think the hardest thing is when, as an adult, you realise you don't look up to them.

I adored and idolised my dad growing up, he ways my hero. He was funny and so clever , always poking fun at my mum who as children we thought was always slightly hysterical and very shouty.

I now know that he repeatedly cheated on her, did awful heartless things and basically just treated her with utter contempt.

Over the last few years my relationship with my dad has broken down to the point now where I don't think it is retrievable. We moved away a couple of years ago and soon as that happen it felt like I just didn't exist to him. He'd only contact me when he needed my input or some action on eg legal matters.

It hurts.

[YukiCarrot]

I look up to my grandparents. Hard working, financially sensible, caring, supportive, fun and just generally incredible grandparents and people.

Definitely do not look up to my dad. Sounds awful, but he has taught me everything I do not want to be - he is irresponsible in every aspect of his life and I'll leave it at that.

I love and adore my lovely mum, I look up to her in the sense that she is hard working and had a tough time bringing me up as a single mum.

[YukiCarrot]

@SilverOtter

I think the hardest thing is when, as an adult, you realise you don't look up to them.

I adored and idolised my dad growing up, he ways my hero. He was funny and so clever , always poking fun at my mum who as children we thought was always slightly hysterical and very shouty.

I now know that he repeatedly cheated on her, did awful heartless things and basically just treated her with utter contempt.

Over the last few years my relationship with my dad has broken down to the point now where I don't think it is retrievable. We moved away a couple of years ago and soon as that happen it felt like I just didn't exist to him. He'd only contact me when he needed my input or some action on eg legal matters.

It hurts.

I could have written that first part myself.

Very tough realising your 'idol' dad isn't as great and funny as you thought he was when you were a child.

I had a new found appreciation and love for my mum as I got older and understood 'more'. I felt terrible, reflecting on all the stuff he used to poke fun at her for, when she must have been so hurt and stressed by all of his actions going on behind the scenes, but just chose to put a brave face on for me.

[TakemedowntoPotatoCity]

I think it's just being an adult - you begin to see your parents like anyone else, flaws and all. And when you have children, it's difficult not to compare now they raised you with how you raise your children. For that reason, no, I don't look up to either of my parents. A lot of shit happened and they both, separately, could have done better.

[PhilCornwall1]

I don't no.

I had a good childhood, but over the last few years, my mother has shown what she really is, a snob that is blinded by money and how big your house and car is. The bigger your house and bank balance, the better you are.

What clinched it for me was when she was talking about somebody they had met somewhere, I'll never forget the words "oh they have a very big property, lovely car and pots of money. Definitely our sort of people.".

Having now been a parent for 19 years, I can see both my mother and father made very questionable parenting decisions.

Whilst they are my parents, as a person, I don't like my mother that much and my father is just a racist sod who thinks he is always right.

[Macaroni46]

No. Selfish, self-centred, weak (dad), narcissist (mum), neglectful, manipulative, gave me very little in any sense ie emotional support, child care, financial, (which would be ok) IF they hadn't demanded so much of that from me.

[Petalplucker]

@cheeseislife8

Interesting question. For me as an adult now, I see them as just human. They tried, they made mistakes, they have strengths and shortcomings like all of us but at the end of the day they're just people.

Exactly this!

The broad premise of this thread seems to be that we the adult children are somehow superior beings, certainly superior parents, compared to our parents. And sure, parenting has moved on, we perhaps know more now than they did, but I guess we are pretty much, more or less, the same as each generation, with just as many strengths and flaws.

I wonder how our DC will judge us? We will probably say "I've tried hard and I am an ok parent I think" but I suspect that our DD will judge us more harshly than we might imagine.

[Petalplucker]

Our DC will judge us, not DD!

(Although my DD who is going through a difficult teen phase is judging me quite harshly ATM as it happens .)

[Petalplucker]

Sorry I should have said that I obviously exclude abusive parents from my generalisations below.

[Whyhello]

Nope. I’m NC with my Dad which was his decision, he decided he didn’t want to be a part of my life when I reached adulthood as if his job as a parent was done. Wanker. My Mum made sure I was clean, clothed, fed and our house was always spotless but she provided very little else. She liked getting drunk at the weekend with her friends and we were dragged along, had to sit in the pub until closing time most Saturday’s. She didn’t put very much effort into emotionally caring for me at all.

I’ve actually worked towards being completely opposite to my parents now I’m a parent myself.