Do you look up to your parents?

[Notwhatyousaid]

I am really struggling with memories from my childhood, and also with how my parents treat my children.
I think they were good parents and I think we all turned out ok. But there are so many things I am not comfortable with.
Is it more normal to want to be like your parents, or to want to be different? I keep telling myself it's good to be different, but my parents give lots of messages that I should be just like them.

[Macaroni46]

@Petalplucker I quite agree. However, the difference is (well, for me anyway) is that I'm willing to admit my shortcomings as a parent and have done to date.
My parents would not concede even one tiny bit that they'd done anything wrong or just denied things happened - like leaving alone all night in the house when I was 13 years old - never happened apparently. I'm just malicious and nasty inventing such things!

[PompomDahlia]

@YukiCarrot and @SilverOtter this is completely it. We used to laugh at my mum when really she was probably struggling with mental health and trying to keep things together. But i really wish she’d got some help. Something I’ve learned from trying to do things differently is that I make sure I take care of myself and treat myself to nice things

[Petalplucker]

Yes that's a very good point Macaroni46 . As it happens, I do think our generation are more willing to admit fault whereas it wasn't the done thing in my parents day. Overall we were expected to be much more deferential and unquestioning as children too. Those are general societal changes though rather than those imposed or introduced by individuals.

[MiniTheMinx]

Loved and respected them, yes. Look up to them, no. I had a good childhood with lots of happy memories, never had to ask for anything and I was listened to and included in some decisions effecting me. They encouraged critical thinking, hobbies, and reading. They were not strict, and my mother was my best friend.

I have taken what was good and applied it to raising DCs. Only failing I think was the unintentional lack of advice and ambition for me. My failing I think would be that I'm too laid back and I also don't push the DCs. But unlike my parents I have paid for tutors, done HEd, encouraged their independent enquiry, and involved myself in actually helping them with their education. My parents were useless in this respect.

[Shorthairlady]

@Nuggetnugget I had a ver similar experience when I started my period - the advice I received was "huh, you know what that means don't you?". I actually did thankfully but wasn't given that pertinent information by my parents! Go figure.

[monkeytenniss]

I look up to my mum. She had a shit childhood and broke free of that to raise us, the cycle of abuse stopped with her and I admire her strength in implementing that, as her family are toxic. She steered us gently, only guiding us and never dictating to us. She rewarded effort, not achievement. She was hugely proud of us, but she never boasted. Even after her death I look to her memory when I am stuck and needing advice.

I love my dad but I cannot rely on him emotionally, he checked out when mum died. He just wants to make small talk and bounce his grandchildren on his knee. He hasn't bothered making a Will, so we will have a massive issue when he dies and his live-in partner refuses to leave his house. He buries his head under the sand and makes pathetic excuses when we all beg him to make provision for when he dies. He hasn't much to leave, so it's not about the amount, it's about the issues him dying intestate will create. He has no idea that I was nearly hospitalised with postnatal psychosis a few years ago, telling him would have achieved nothing.

[ilovebagpuss]

I appreciate my parents for a good kind loving upbringing. They were human and made some mistakes as do I but nothing huge.
I don’t look up to them as such but I do aspire to be as kind and giving as they have been with time and resources and support.
Sadly lost DM 2 years ago but she was an amazing strong woman who I loved dearly.
Both good and loving grandparents, had the kids a lot never said no If we needed help.
To know you can genuinely call someone who will help you put things right no matter what is a huge gift. I always knew I had that and it gave me a lot of confidence and safety in life.