My childhood bully is a professional counsellor!!

[Missusblusky1]

Kind of lighthearted I guess, but I’ve just discovered through the world of Facebook that my secondary school bully who threatened to kill me for no reason is now an established counsellor / psychotherapist…. Probably the last person I would have thought who would ever help anybody!

I remember going on a trip abroad with our school and she threatened to kill me whilst out there, the teachers didn’t take it seriously and it was a horrendous experience! She was a bitchy gossip who constantly belittled others for no reason other than for entertainment. And now I see she does all sort of work for charity too. Probably the most vile human being I’ve ever met. Hope no one goes to her for help!!!!

Psychotherapy is person centred and not about analysing theinebriati

A general rule is, happy people don't go around making others' lives hell for a 'kick'. Something is going on for them to be motivated to do this. I feel deeply for anyone who has experienced the pain of bullying. I still believe, with help and motivation to do so, people can change.

@Sittingonabench

The responsibility for forgiveness and understanding the root cause of a bullies actions should not fall to the victims of the bullying. There may have been reasons, they may have just enjoyed the bullying - the bully has to address them but is owed nothing from the victim. They may change their behaviour but that power dynamic is something they have chosen and has partially formed who they are. I wouldn’t trust a bully in a caring role (of course in most instances you don’t know which also impacts trust).

I could not agree more. I remember the Head at DDs school telling her she "had to understand they are unhappy." I told him she didn't, he did as it was his job but she definitely didn't have to understand, sympathise or forgive.

That must have been shocking OP and I can imagine it's very difficult to imagine her in a caring and supportive role. But I firmly believe we can change, often it takes several massive slaps through life to elicit change but in order for her to have done a reputable course she would have had her 'stuff' mirrored in the most uncomfortable way, and had to face it head on. It's the only way through. Allow her the chance to have changed. I think we all deserve that.

I ended up working with someone who has bullied me in school. I nearly changed my mind about the job when I saw I would be working with her but decided to stick with it and found her to be one of the nicest people to work with. She was the very opposite of the person I had remembered her being. She had grown up.

I don't think you can judge someone on their teenage behaviour. To be a counsellor she will have had to go through some really gruelling counselling of her own and hopefully will have had time to consider how her previous behaviour made people feel.

People don’t change. They just learn to hide their true selves. I do find it interesting to read on here that so many bullies go onto become nurses, midwives and counsellors. I suppose it’s easier to bully, torture and manipulate under the guise of care.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Psychotherapy is person centred and not about analysing theinebriati

A general rule is, happy people don't go around making others' lives hell for a 'kick'. Something is going on for them to be motivated to do this. I feel deeply for anyone who has experienced the pain of bullying. I still believe, with help and motivation to do so, people can change.

That's assuming a neurotypical profile, though. Some people are narcissists or psychopaths and it gives them pleasure to induce pain in others. There has been no therapeutic method yet found in order to treat these people. They can't and don't want to change. All this empathising with the bully is another tool they can use to manipulate people, by self-centredly claiming they were the real victim, so so much worse so than those whose lives they made a misery.

Someone who I considered to be a good friend did something to me that was extremely hurtful and uncalled for, most likely based on her own insecurities.

This happened in our early 30s, not in our teenage years.

She is now a psychologist and was well on the path to being on at the time that it happened. It was just downright cruel.

HeyGirlHeyBoy
We're using different meanings for the word 'analysis' - take your therapist hat off for a second and use everyday language.

I'm talking about people who cynically use analysis as a tool to control others. They aren't damaged, they aren't nice people underneath waiting to escape, and they don't want your help.

Predators gravitate towards situations and organisations with poor safeguarding. If organisations cant see predatory behaviours, they risk replicating abuse patterns.

I discovered a truly horrible workplace bully who made my life and others a nightmare was also volunteering as a Samaritan. This is someone who openly admitted she lacked empathy in a mediation meeting. She's since left the Samaritans but was there for quite a while, the mind boggles.

@BumbleFlump

Someone who I considered to be a good friend did something to me that was extremely hurtful and uncalled for, most likely based on her own insecurities.

This happened in our early 30s, not in our teenage years.

She is now a psychologist and was well on the path to being on at the time that it happened. It was just downright cruel.

I hope you are OK, the betrayal is awful isn't it.

@TheoMeo

My primary school bully became a nurse - when I came across her on an occasion I would say she still seriously lacked empathy.

I would say theres a world of difference between a primary school 'bully' and a secondary school bully.

Most kids who lash out in primary are facing frustraition from undiagnosed conditions and communication issues... these are usually identified and 'fix' (not in the sense of cured but in the sense of having undergone levels of therepy) by secondary school.

A 6-10 year old that cant find a way to communicate with others that something isnt right with them and who doesnt have the skills to handle the sudden emotions associated with that is in no way comparable to a 15 year old who is soon to be an adult who is just torturing people for the popularity game.

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@Confusedandshaken or they are hiding it really really well in a professional context, so they’ve passed but you haven’t seem the evidence of their unsuitability.[/quote]
You are so right! I'm sure unsuitable people must slip through the net just as people who could have been great counsellors must sometimes get turned away because personal issues mean they weren't suitable at that time.

One comfort though is that a true narcissist doesn't feel the need to lie or cover up who they are so they get weeded out fairly quickly. And there isn't much money, glamour, prestige or power in counselling so there is no great incentive for a sociopath to lie their way to a qualification.

You cannot say for certain she hasn’t changed - you no longer know her. How old are you OP?

If I look back on how I acted as a child, I'm not particularly proud of myself. I think all children, to some degree, can be fairly horrible (especially when going through puberty).

I didn't bully anyone, but I acknowledge I was a little shit towards my mother.

Thankfully, people grow up. I'm very nice to my mum these days and we have a great relationship. We're very close.

I think the actions you commit as a child don't necessarily determine what sort of adult you can be. It's much harder for adults to change, but I do think there's a lot of scope for children to.

I think it's ridiculous to make someone's baseline their teenage behaviour regardless of what else they have done with and in their life.

That doesn't mean you have to forget,forgive or even understand their behaviour. You don't have to interact with them . You don't have to accept treatment from them .

However, I think there would be a shortage in many many jobs if the ability to do the job was judged by the candidate's behaviour at 13/15/18.

I've not read all the replies but have read all of ops comments.

As someone who was bullied as a child badly and who due to growing up in Scandinavia often gets told I'm very blunt (though others disagree and says its direct)

And a level 4 counselling student I have to say a lot of the generalisations on here disturbs me.

To become a qualified recognised counsellor therapist you need at a minimum 50 hours personal counselling many courses (like my own) requires more some up to 100 hours.

I have been through 3 groups during my studies and those I started out with i know 4 who decided against training as they discovered they had way to much to sort out first. I know 5 who have chosen to halt their studies from level 3 to 4 as they do not feel right now is the time they can dedicate. 1 on my course is training after a 10 year break between her level 3 and 4.

The growth I've seen in people through this course is amazing. I as their peer am privileged to hear of their experiences as their outlook on life changes.

My x bullies have a variety of jobs including midwife nurse University lecturer jobs that requires people skills and empathy. If i simply took it on what they were like 35 years ago when we were at school together i woild go "No way" but I also take it on the meet up I had with them 17 years ago (school reunion) where one by one they slid up next to me and apologised for their behaviour expressed deep regret for how they had treated me. I have loose contact with them. Facebook contact at times meet up with some when I visit my dads and go to my oldest friends house she has contact w several. They are good productive in society people who to my knowledge are nothing like their teenage self was.

If you have a therapist you don't get on with. Change them. If your midwife is your childhood bully and it makes you uncomfortable ask for someone else and explain why. Or give them a chance and see how it goes and if you cant get past it then ask for a change.

My friends and x work colleague range fro OMG YOU a COUNSELLOR?? To OMG you will be AMAZING as a counsellor you always listened to me so well.

Why this difference. Because like many I am experienced differently by people. Those who feel I woild make an awful counsellor arw often the ones I had to manage in my role and even discipline. Those who feel I am a good listener are often the ones who I formed friendly relationships with so I allowed in closer past the professional side of me.

Will I make a good counsellor, well not for those who goes in with an idea i will be awful. And some clients do go in wanting to prove they can't be counselled. For others.. I sure hope so. I know I am a very different person to the one who started this journey 2.5 years ago. I know I am nothing like the child and teenager who got bullied.

People are saying that they know flaky people who counsel and find that troubling. Can I offer some words of comfort - there can be massive differences between people's personal lives and their professional practice.

I have a friend who can often be shockingly immature. She is in her 50s, educated, born and raised in a big city. She is a mental health nurse with many additional counselling qualifications but she sometimes acts like a 16 year old raised in a remote country area who has never seen shops or escalators or met anyone outside her family. I like her very much but find this aspect of her unsettling. A few years ago we both ended up working in the same NHS clinic 2 days a week. I was a very lowly sessional counsellor, she was a senior manager and therapist. I was genuinely shocked to see her in action at work. The flaky, whiny, naive little girl persona was nowhere to be seen. She was knowledgable, organised, pragmatic, compassionate and thoroughly impressive. She was hugely respected by her team and her work with traumatised clients was inspirational. I learned so much from this person who I had looked down on before. We no longer work together but I'm proud to be her friend.

Theinebriati tbf, lots of people do think it's about analysis, which is why is I said it. I wouldn't excuse or tolerate bullying for a second but I do understand there is usually a reason behind dysfunctional behaviour, and that there is huge potential for change as an adult, compared to a teenager. I have a father who is incredibly empathetic, to a fault, and yet my own empathy wasn't fully formed until my mid 20s I'd say so when you think of some of the potential issues, many put forward by posters who've been through them, it's reasonable to suggest a teenager with issues can change as an adult who is motivated to do so.

I would say theres a world of difference between a primary school 'bully' and a secondary school bully.

Most kids who lash out in primary are facing frustraition from undiagnosed conditions and communication issues... these are usually identified and 'fix' (not in the sense of cured but in the sense of having undergone levels of therepy) by secondary school.
Not necessarily. I was bullied by my childminder's daughter throughout primary school and into secondary school simply because I was poor and yet got better grades than her, which seemed to annoy her. She had a much better home environment than me, no underlying conditions etc, she was just an opportunist who saw I both had something she wanted and was more vulnerable than her. I can only presume all the bully apologists on this thread haven't been a vulnerable child themselves and thus haven't seen how readily people who aren't what you might call 'damaged' will inflict their venom onto those with whom they think they can get away with it. Many more people who are supposedly stable probably bully more than you think. It's often about elevating their own status and a dominance display in front of others, they're not just poor little damaged kids, sadly I think it's just one of the ugly sides of the average person's human nature.

Woman who is bullying me a work is training to be a counsellor. It's all a power trip for her. She talks over people and is so opinionated that I know the people who would go to her for help will be made to feel worse.

@StayCalm99

What a horrible discovery. One of the women who went out of her way to exclude me at work was involved in an anti-bullying initiative at schools, and another is a teacher! I had a big enough shock when I discovered that covert scapegoating narcissist number 1 was involved in an anti-bullying thing, so I can't imagine your shock

Not uncommon. Previous two schools I worked in the anti-bullying coordinators were the biggest bullies on the staff, cliquey and excluding of other staff for events. It was noted by pretty much everyone ...

@PanamaPattie

People don’t change. They just learn to hide their true selves. I do find it interesting to read on here that so many bullies go onto become nurses, midwives and counsellors. I suppose it’s easier to bully, torture and manipulate under the guise of care.

I have noticed this phenomenon as well and it's very disturbing ... yet explains a lot about apathy and hostility amongst staff on various wards at times.

Why do you think so many men street harass women, which is also a form of bullying? It's not because they're poor little things going through a tough time, it's because they know they can get away with it and get a thrill out of having that power. Many women have the same instincts but they'll manifest in different ways.

I agree that without an intervention and a sustained serious therapy, people don't change. They just learn from others and get more sophisticated at masking.

I know a mum who is a psychotherapist. She constantly gossips about and belittles her patients and the kids teachers as if she is so superior (and obviously breaking confidentiality rules).

I think a lot of therapists have a god complex and like the power kick and ego boost of thinking they are "saving" their patients when in reality many of them are just narcissists who have found perfect positions to continue their bullying behaviour into respectable positions where they can abuse their power and be paid for it.