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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
TenCornMaidens · 10/06/2021 11:55

I feel for you OP. Obviously use one of these brilliant replies.

If there is any drama on social media, I would suggest

a) lots of people will know what she's like already

b) it is possible to respond very evenly and fairly if a public accusation is made (although what she could possibly accuse you of I don't know)

c) you don't know what she will say privately so you can't possibly base your actions on that

d) even if she did come to stay she might slag you off behind your back anyway so you can't win that game. Best not to play.

FooFighter99 · 10/06/2021 11:58

@Gullible2021

You've only known her 2.5 years, she's not local, you describe her firstly as an accquaintance... how much of a friend is she really? Do you actually like her and want her in your life?

No is a complete sentence.

"I have tried to make it clear that I do not want guests over this period of time. I want to spend it with my family only. Please stop pushing. If and when we want guests we will invite them. You will have to make alternative arrangements as what you are proposing doesn't work for us."

If she continues to push or wants to know why then you will have to be honest.

"While it's flattering to hear you had such a good time when you visited, unfortunately we didn't enjoy the experience and found it intrusive and a bit of a stressful nightmare to be honest. I've tried to nicely suggest you make alternative arrangements without being this blunt but the reality is, we don't want you to come and stay here again."

@PutTheCakeDOWN this response is absolutely spot on

Please don't stress about upsetting her, because she obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about upsetting/inconveniencing you!!

HedgeVeg · 10/06/2021 11:59

If she's really going to be no-maintenance, only on your drive blah blah she surely can just stop in a caravan park or even a layby?
She's obviously going to be doing more than parking on your driveway

StrongbutTired00 · 10/06/2021 11:59

How can she not manage her own kids on her own but can have all her own kids PLUS yours while you go on a date night? You have to say family time is too precious this year and it’s family only but your happy to meet up somewhere another time

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 12:00

"Sorry, I think we have different memories of last time! My nanny threatened to leave after having to deal with so many children. My husband was very unhappy not to spend more time alone with us - you know he doesn't get much leave. It took me three days to clear up after you'd all left. It was nice to see you but it won't be possible for you to come again."

Then block.

Whatamesssss · 10/06/2021 12:01

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

So she wants you to provide childcare as well as accommodation?

Just tell her no, you found it stressful last time and you won't be inviting (not that did invite her the first time) her again.

She knows she is being cheeky, she wants a cheap xmas holiday with you no doubt providing xmas dinner at your financial and mental expense.

I would just tell her to fuck off.

ChaToilLeam · 10/06/2021 12:02

I think you will have to be rude because otherwise she will bulldoze you. She doesn’t care what you think, so don’t try to spare her feelings. You’re not friends anyway. If she posts on FB etc, just block her, she’s a CF through and through and I am sure you are not the only one she has imposed on.

Stanleysaysyes · 10/06/2021 12:02

I am absolutely fascinated by what goes on in the minds of people like this. Do they know they are being presumptious and rude? Have they been taught as a child to just take take take? Or are they so objective focused that they dont care? You kind of assume that everyone is the same as you and can take a hint, but it really does not work like that.

I have had a similar situation with close family of my dh. Invited them to stay for a holiday but explained we needed some decompression time alone after that because of dh working all hours etc. They came, I rolled out the red carpet, a good time was had by all, and then they still insisted on staying longer. Really bizarre. And stressful. I can only assume that because they are only ever here when it is holiday time, they think we live a very relaxed life normally when we dont. Anyway, dh got no relaxation time at all in a fortnight and went back to work still grey and tired. Did they care? Not a jot!

Nor did they seem to appreciate that while they were out and about enjoying themselves, off to the beach and various museums etc, we were back at home cleaning up from the last meal, tidying up generally, prepping for the next one, emptying the dw and laying the table for the evening... and so it went on. I think they thought the fresh plates and cutlery and food were all assembled by the resident house fairy! Thinking about it, it is always people who behave like this who do not have any experience at all of hosting themselves, and have no idea what it is like in reality, especially if you are both working full time and have dc.

Pinot4evs · 10/06/2021 12:02

I’d go with something like,

Seriously X you don’t seem to be getting what I’m saying, you can’t stay here. If you decide to holiday in the area let me know and we can meet for an afternoon but other than that don’t include us in your plans

Really need to know what you decide to say, already over invested in this 😂

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:02

OP, why does "fuck off" not work in real life?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2021 12:02

As soon as you start throwing in excuses you’re just leaving yourself open to what ifs or how abouts

Spot on, but the same applies to any mention of what happened before
Few are as thick skinned as those after a free holiday, and she'd only insist it would be different this time

Just stick to a plain "no for "personal reasons" ... it's not even a lie since it's your personal choice and you're entitled to make it, and if she's rude enough to probe even after that you can just say you don't want to discuss it

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:03

@Pinot4evs

I’d go with something like,

Seriously X you don’t seem to be getting what I’m saying, you can’t stay here. If you decide to holiday in the area let me know and we can meet for an afternoon but other than that don’t include us in your plans

Really need to know what you decide to say, already over invested in this 😂

no! no afternoon meet up loopholes!
SeaShoreGalore · 10/06/2021 12:03

Have you sent anything?

EastWellowBride · 10/06/2021 12:04

You don't need to make excuses or explain anything. She is not even a friend, just an acquaintance. Just tell her that you do not want her to visit.

This x 100. And then don't waste any more headspace on it. Any reasonable person would have already read between the lines and understood the situation. She is not being reasonable so don't worry about seeming rude.

Whatamesssss · 10/06/2021 12:05

@HollowTalk

"Sorry, I think we have different memories of last time! My nanny threatened to leave after having to deal with so many children. My husband was very unhappy not to spend more time alone with us - you know he doesn't get much leave. It took me three days to clear up after you'd all left. It was nice to see you but it won't be possible for you to come again."

Then block.

This is all you need to say. If she responds just don't reply.
Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 12:05

Hi X.
I think we are messaging at cross purposes.
Time with DH is very short and precious, so I will have to decline your offer of visiting any time in the soon.
I hope you find somewhere nice to holiday.
See you at work sometime.
X

SeaShoreGalore · 10/06/2021 12:05

I am absolutely fascinated by what goes on in the minds of people like this

I am not a person like this, but I am definitely someone who can fail to take a hint sometimes. I think this is because I am someone who finds it relatively easy to be direct with others, so I just assume they would be direct with me.

StarryStarrySocks · 10/06/2021 12:05

OP, you've had some great advice but have you considered telling her that your DH has a new job so you're moving...to Azerbaijan?! WinkGrin

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 10/06/2021 12:08

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’

Yes for the whole month.

Or if you have to expand you don't then...

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

She was told No. She didn't accept No. No means No. She is using you, wants to get her own way, get a freebie holiday and fob her kids onto you. Rude.

Fundays12 · 10/06/2021 12:09

OP send her the links to Glenmore holiday park. She can park her van up there surrounded by the beauty of loch Morlich. If it's not open at Christmas suggest other times of the year it is open. I know it's hard as I hate drama to but it's your home you need to tell her you are not having guests end off.

Iluvfriends · 10/06/2021 12:15

I have to say no to you staying with us, this is our family home and we really do not want guests apart from close family to stay. We tried it last time but we found it impacted too much on our quality time as a family....

Tsubasa1 · 10/06/2021 12:16

You sound like such a pushover and your friend knows that!! You need to be clear and say it won't work for you, send her some links to hotels!

Original poster
PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 12:17

"You're not serious are you? It was chaos last time! You need to find somewhere else to stay next time you come up this way".

This is absolutely what I should have sent from the start!

I’ve messaged her a variation on PeterPomegranate’s message with a few other bits thrown in. We shall wait…

OP posts:
Stanleysaysyes · 10/06/2021 12:17

@SeaShoreGalore

I am absolutely fascinated by what goes on in the minds of people like this

I am not a person like this, but I am definitely someone who can fail to take a hint sometimes. I think this is because I am someone who finds it relatively easy to be direct with others, so I just assume they would be direct with me.

Fair enough but there are degrees of "direct". And everyone, to some degree, unless they are made of stone, feels uncomfortable turning down people's requests. I think it's preferable not to make people feel uncomfortable in the first place. So when we go away for example we save up and pay for our own accommodation. This means we don't go away as often as we would like but personally I'd prefer that to upsetting people.
GoGoPowerScooter · 10/06/2021 12:19

F