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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 12:20

@PutTheCakeDOWN

"You're not serious are you? It was chaos last time! You need to find somewhere else to stay next time you come up this way".

This is absolutely what I should have sent from the start!

I’ve messaged her a variation on PeterPomegranate’s message with a few other bits thrown in. We shall wait…

You're definitely going to have to keep us updated OP.
IntermittentParps · 10/06/2021 12:21

She seems nice
No she doesn't. I wouldn't be pushy like this with a good friend, let alone an acquaintance.
Don't make excuses or give details. Just 'No, we can't have you.' Don't reply to any further messages. Ignore or hide her on SM if it bothers you.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/06/2021 12:22

I can't believe the balls of some people!

I think that if she doesn't heed you being blunt, you have no choice but to become Actually Rude!

BettyUnderswoob · 10/06/2021 12:22

Well done, OP!

If she responds with questions or proposals do NOT give excuses. Just “No, sorry”

If you give an inch she’ll take a mile, and we’ll all be very disappointed in you.

stackemhigh · 10/06/2021 12:25

OP, you have no need to be polite to someone this rude. When you're this rude you lose the right to be treated nicely.

Glad you've said no, let's see what she says!

FakeColinCaterpillar · 10/06/2021 12:27

I agree with others about saying no but being vague. ‘Sorry we have plans and won’t work for us this year’ if she asks further, just ignore. She’s not really your friend, she wants a free holiday! You don’t owe her an explanation.

TatianaBis · 10/06/2021 12:28

For God’s sake don’t tell her you’ll meet up with her if she’s staying nearby, she will take that as a come on.

This is all you need:

Hi, thanks for thinking of us in your holiday plans but for various reasons that doesn’t work for us. It’s not personal. Hope all else is well with you, etc

MrKlaw · 10/06/2021 12:29

paraphrasing what you've already put in the OP

"I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!"

Thats all you need to say. We're taking much needed time together as a family, just the X of us (don't know how many you are), so sorry but we won't be able to host you.

Then just ignore replies for a while

FuckingFabulous · 10/06/2021 12:30

Interested in her response!

thewreckofthehesperus · 10/06/2021 12:31

She knows what she's doing, every reasonable person would take the hint after the first couple of excuses. Have a stock response for whatever she comes back with and just keep repeating it.

"For various family and work reasons that will not work for us and we will not be able to host you again"

Fgs anything could be going on in your life that she wouldn't know about as she's a mere acquaintance. Illness, death or divorce and you don't need to make excuses for not wanting the imposition of them arriving on your doorstep.

She is the unreasonable one here, you need to remember that. Put your big girl pants on and just keep hitting her with your stock phrase. Polite but clear and if she keeps at you after a message or two I'd tell her you've made it clear she cannot stay and the topic is no longer up for discussion.

BoredOfThisShit · 10/06/2021 12:32

I dont think shes going to take the hint

She said she cant stay in a b&b cause she cant look after the children on her own but then says they will just come in for showers

She wants a free holiday with free childcare

Of your last messege doesnt work then your just going to have to be strong

‘’’‘Im really sorry, but last time you came was very hectic and i found it to stressful
Im sorry, but you just wont be able to come anymore’’’

No excuses, no reasons, Nothing for her to come back with

Your just going to have to do that, and unfollow on social media , so she can think ir still friends but you cant see any of her crap memes about friends etc

MadeForThis · 10/06/2021 12:32

Just reply saying "to be honest your comment about not being able to look after the twins by yourself makes it impossible for you to stay here again. We were happy to offer our drive but it quickly became the use of our house and nanny too. You are obviously planning the same again."

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:33

@BoredOfThisShit

I dont think shes going to take the hint

She said she cant stay in a b&b cause she cant look after the children on her own but then says they will just come in for showers

She wants a free holiday with free childcare

Of your last messege doesnt work then your just going to have to be strong

‘’’‘Im really sorry, but last time you came was very hectic and i found it to stressful
Im sorry, but you just wont be able to come anymore’’’

No excuses, no reasons, Nothing for her to come back with

Your just going to have to do that, and unfollow on social media , so she can think ir still friends but you cant see any of her crap memes about friends etc

and no "I am sorry" either
SinkGirl · 10/06/2021 12:33

I find it impossible to be blunt / rude too. I would be horrified if someone thought I was imposing on them. I hope she gets the message.

I think the best I could do is say that it’s just not feasible - too cold for camping and too stressful having so many people in the house.

steakandcheeseplease · 10/06/2021 12:37

shamelessly place marking !

cupoftea2021 · 10/06/2021 12:37

@PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”
I second this.. No just No.
wheretonow123 · 10/06/2021 12:39

Did she even bring you an appropriate gift the last time?

I would emphasise to her that the last time was a once off, it didnt work for you and you wont be facilitating again. You could say that you are open to meeting her one of the days but that is also opening the door in a way for her to get back in.

Original poster
PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 12:40

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

I said something along these lines at the start and got ‘awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.’

OP posts:
Original poster
PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 12:40

@Fundays12

OP send her the links to Glenmore holiday park. She can park her van up there surrounded by the beauty of loch Morlich. If it's not open at Christmas suggest other times of the year it is open. I know it's hard as I hate drama to but it's your home you need to tell her you are not having guests end off.
She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids
OP posts:
Gazelda · 10/06/2021 12:42

Until you say no, with no other excuses, she won't give up.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:44

@Gazelda

Until you say no, with no other excuses, she won't give up.
^^ this
wewereliars · 10/06/2021 12:44

She is incredibly pushy and not nice at all. "That doesnt work for me, bye" then block do not apologise

riceuten · 10/06/2021 12:44

Sounds like whatever you say she will ignore her.

Either

a) give her the whole truth of her last visit
b) tell her you're having work done and it won't work (although, to be honest, you're just putting off the agony
c) completely ghost her

I'd recommend a). She's likely to have a meltdown but at least she's unlikely to contact you again.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 12:45

@SinkGirl

I find it impossible to be blunt / rude too. I would be horrified if someone thought I was imposing on them. I hope she gets the message.

I think the best I could do is say that it’s just not feasible - too cold for camping and too stressful having so many people in the house.

Its sooo a skill worth cultivating and gets MUCH easier with practice :)
Thelnebriati · 10/06/2021 12:46

You've said 'no' and she's still pushing, so stop worrying about offending her. She isn't worrying about your feelings.
Use the broken record technique and just keep repeating 'no, it doesn't work for us, we aren't available'.
And don't accept an booking from her. That wont end well either.