Page 8 | How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

SpeakingFranglais · 10/06/2021 11:34

She knows you don't want her but she doesn't care, this is all about her cheap skiing week, you let her once and now it's her right to stay every year and ski for very little expense.

She isn't even your friend, she's some randomer. Do you actually socialise with her one on one?

Get that text sent, and then block her.

MrPickles73 · 10/06/2021 11:34

Just tell her after all the COVID kerfuffle you've got this Xmas pencilled in for just the four of you and not having any guests.

Cravey · 10/06/2021 11:35

@Billybagpuss

I’m getting Mexican house thief vibes here, you’re going to come home and find her camped on the drive.

This actually happened to us ! Family friends who had stayed in our field for a party the previous summer, rocked up and pitched a tent while I was as at work. Did not go down well at all.

mam0918 · 10/06/2021 11:35

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Not sure where to start really! I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

Just say 'This is our home and our family time, if you want a holiday book a hotel'.

No one gets to invite themselves to your house and you dont have to be 'nice' either, if they showed up at mine I would simply ignore them and not let them in - if they set up camp and where being a problem I would call the police to have them removed.

Unicorn34 · 10/06/2021 11:37

@PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

I agree with this. If you are not worried about keeping the friendship then you need to be honest. Its not about you sounding rude, its about her being rude to keep asking.

If the friendship is not important, then a "unfortunately your stay did not work well for us last year and we are not happy to repeat it". or something along those lines. Not rude but to the point - sounds like she doesn't understand the soft approach. Good luck

ArrrMeHearties · 10/06/2021 11:38

Actually fuck off does work and will work perfectly in this situation. She is a brass necked CF. I'd tell her straight we don't want you coming its as simple as that, it's our family time which is just for us.

SMabbutt · 10/06/2021 11:38

"Tell them to check into a B&B or something and if you can you'll meet up with them for a day but they are definitely not staying with you/at your house. Tell her that you want to spend the little time you have with your DH and children as it won't be long before he's away again - surely she'd understand that?

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)"

So she's going to be expecting you to look after her twins for her again! You have really got to be very direct. I would probably email with I can see you enjoyed your last visit . I'm happy you had a good holiday, but we agreed to the visit as a one off favour. Having guests stay when we have so little family time is too stressful and we will not be doing it again. We wouldn't be able to help with the twins so staying with us wouldn't give you the support you seem to be saying you would need any way. Thanks for your understanding in accepting our refusal and hope you manage to make other arrangements. It isn't personal but we just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding so you can make other arrangements. It would be disappointing for you to leave it too late to book anywhere because you were under thinking you could stay here again. Have you considered a ski holiday with a kids club? Let us know when you have booked somewhere to stay and we may be able to give you some tips on nice places to visit.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 11:38

@MrPickles73

Just tell her after all the COVID kerfuffle you've got this Xmas pencilled in for just the four of you and not having any guests.

NO! leave no loopholes!

notalwaysalondoner · 10/06/2021 11:42

Agreed - being firm and clear isn't the same as being rude. Especially as she's not a close friend, I really think you're overthinking this.

"We don't want to make any plans this Christmas, as we don't get enough time together as a family, so you will not be able to stay on our property at all across the period. Please don't wait and see, we won't change our minds about this. I hope you find a nice alternative, have a great time!"

VodselForDinner · 10/06/2021 11:42

“You know, with everything that’s happened this year, we’re going to be delighted to close the door at Christmas and just have a few weeks of uninterrupted family time. Hope you enjoy whatever you end up planning”.

No excuses, no bargaining, no future promises. This woman is a leech and you need to cut her off.

Mulhollandmagoo · 10/06/2021 11:43

@PutTheCakeDOWN

Op I think I would spell it out. "Dear X, please don't take this personally but for a variety of family and work related reasons, you and your family coming to stay with us in your campervan this Christmas isn't convenient for us. Please find somewhere else to stay".

Ooh that’s a good one thanks!

I think this one is good! hope you get sorted, some people have absolutely no self awareness at all do they

Sophiederuges · 10/06/2021 11:43

Are you me @beedoorknocker? I’ve had the same problem. Tbh we have the room to host but these people inviting themselves don’t even make the effort of coming and see me when I go back to my home country (they live 20 minutes away from my parents’, where I stay). They don’t even write or text or call so they can’t be that desperate for my company.

We do have people over, and we love it. But they are people with whom we have a relationship.

ihtwsf · 10/06/2021 11:45

PeterPomegranate's is my favourite:

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”

But I'd leave out "that month" so they don't think they can rock up at February.

Leave no loopholes for her to exploit. Don't make excuses which are not true - such as COVID, having work done on the house etcetc.

Once you've sent something like Peter Pomegranate's message above, if she then replies still trying to worm her way in, just reply once more saying "The answer is no. You cannot stay here".
Then ignore any other messages.
You have to be absolutely clear. Stop trying to be nice.

Stanleysaysyes · 10/06/2021 11:45

"I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)"

"With respect that is not my problem. My family and I need a holiday too, it is not our job to facilitate yours. You do not seem to understand that we did you a favour last year as a one off. Please do not ask me again."

BrandNewHeretic · 10/06/2021 11:46

You'll not know I'm here... but I can't manage the twins on my own, I'll need to nip into your house for showers and we can do lots of days out together and babysit for each other. Erm sorry, no.

loopylindi · 10/06/2021 11:48

I've read your original post a couple of times and realised that she is a friend of a friend....so what's the situation if she has to be told bluntly that your door is not always open .....If she blanks you then tough shit- she's not your friend anyway. Having your home taken over by wayward cuckoos is no laughing matter at any time of year and is not nice, but at Christmas it's totally unacceptable. Why can't she cope looking after her own kids?

Golden2021 · 10/06/2021 11:48

.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/06/2021 11:49

I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t end in me either a) hosting her family holiday at Christmas, or b) having a huge and dramatic fallout played out over social media (by her not me!)

What's she going to say, beyond some flannel about "unsupportive people"? It's not as if she's entitled to stay, and it doesn't matter what she thinks anyway

Don't get into anything which invites a comeback - just tell her no and that your reasons are personal - rinse and repeat

Flibbitygibbit · 10/06/2021 11:50

She’s not nice . Just say sorry no this doesn’t work for us. Block if needs be !

PurpleSunrise · 10/06/2021 11:50

She clearly isn’t giving any consideration for your feelings, so don’t feel guilty about not giving her exactly what she wants! Can you imagine her tiptoeing around you trying not to cause offence?

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 10/06/2021 11:51

I know that if I say this she will just say ‘no problem I’ll come in feb.
The thing is OP if you say x month doesn’t work, or pussy foot around she will keep inviting herself back. As much as you don’t want to be rude (or you want to be liked by her which I think is the main issue) you need to tell her outrightly she is not welcome ever. Yes it’ll be awkward but if you want to tell this woman straight to stop fucking angling for a free holiday you need to do just that. Say something like you’re flattered they think of you for their holidays but the last holiday was very stressful and staying on your property is incompatible. If they’re in the area you would meet up but you won’t be able to accommodate them as guests in the future. As soon as you start throwing in excuses you’re just leaving yourself open to what ifs or how abouts.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 10/06/2021 11:52

I'd phrase it more like this:

I’ve avoided being direct as I didn't want to be rude but now it appears that I need to be very clear and direct that we won’t be having you over to stay again at any time, ever. guests over that month On your last visit you completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful. So please don’t keep the time free, and don't contact me ever again about staying with us."

That should do it.

Dogmum40 · 10/06/2021 11:53

You could say “ I need to be honest with you, we are going through a tough time as a family at present and as much as we would love to have you here we are not in a position to be able to do it this year, he is a link to a great local b&b (insert link to somewhere) but I’d absolutely love to see you when your here so let me know when you arrive and we can’t all get together “

Ok this might a total lie ( I’d happily tell her to fuck off ) but at least this should make her think she can’t just drop in as your having a tough time and think twice about suggesting dates

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2021 11:53

She seems nice

She's not nice.

You are going to have to be blunt. Tweak @PeterPomegranate's message if you feel you need to (though I do't think you do - why would she know if you had a very close friend to visit - and family is just that - family).

if she posts anything snide on social media, respond with a comment about people who invite themselves, don't take "NO" for an answer, and then block, block and block again.

She's not a real friend, and will make use of you as long as you let her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2021 11:54

@HarebrightCedarmoon

I'd phrase it more like this:

I’ve avoided being direct as I didn't want to be rude but now it appears that I need to be very clear and direct that we won’t be having you over to stay again at any time, ever. guests over that month On your last visit you completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful. So please don’t keep the time free, and don't contact me ever again about staying with us."

That should do it.

Or this ^ , obviously.