Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
4fingerKitKat · 10/06/2021 11:01

Not much to add to the suggestions already made but please don’t feel at all guilty about saying ‘no’ to this - it’s massive CFer behaviour and no right minded person would think it’s at all reasonable to push a casual acquaintance to visit their house when they are clearly reluctant.

FantasticButtocks · 10/06/2021 11:01

Ok how about

I'm sorry if I haven't been clear, but I can see now that I do need to be. We are no longer open to visits unless by our own express invitation!

RikkiTikkiTavvi · 10/06/2021 11:01

Have you sent any of the replies you’ve liked OP?
Please cut her off ASAP with the festive visit suggestion. If you’re dithering about what to message her, when you’ve had some fantastic examples here, with the best will in the world, I can see why she thinks you’re a pushover.
She’s not even a friend, just an acquaintance- gussy up and rip off the bandaid.

beedoorknocker · 10/06/2021 11:02

I had this when I moved to the UK years ago. People I barely knew and hadn't seen in decades started popping up 'Oh my family and inlaws fancy a holiday and could go to the UK in X month for X number of weeks. We can save on getting to/from the airport and on hotel costs by staying with you and you can show us all the sights!' Shock Not only did I barely remember who the person was, I had no idea who their partner, kids and inlaws were nor did I want all these people in my small flat for 2 weeks nor did I want to pay and spend my time traipsing them all around London and who knows where else. Nor would 8+ people plus their luggage fit into my Mini. Nor (even if I wanted to) was I able to take off work on all the weeks that everyone told me they would be visiting me. I got a lot of hate for not agreeing to all these 'offers' that kept coming for years.
Some people are rude and unreasonable OP and I've realised that you need to be a bit rude and unreasonable back to get your point across. Otherwise people will take advantage. I wouldn't lie and say you have building work or unsure of your plans, etc. I would be very honest like some pp have said and tell her straight out that she isn't staying with you again and that's final, she needs to make other plans. Trying to be nice and friendly with this woman is only going to cause you further anxiety as she keeps pushing you. Be very clear with her. Like another pp has said, if you weren't living where you are then this woman probably wouldn't be contacting you.

Lbnc2021 · 10/06/2021 11:06

Oh I love a CF thread but sorry you’re having to put up with this OP.

You have to come back and tell us what she says. And then block her.

MrsCBY · 10/06/2021 11:07

Why are you so worried about being rude? She thinks nothing of being rude to you, never mind treating you like her own personal doormat. She sounds appalling, and she’s not even a friend. I second the comment about her being a complete narcissist.

It is personal and I can’t see what you would get out of maintaining any kind of relationship with this person, so why try to fudge it?

This is a genuine question, not an attack - I think it would be useful for you to stop and think about why you’re so worried about offending this person who brings nothing but negatives to your life.

Because you’re going to have to say a firm no somehow, and she’s not going to like it however you dress it up. She doesn’t care about how polite you are, she only cares about her free holiday, and not getting it will upset her, full stop. And she will kick off. You are tying yourself up in knots trying to prevent that, but you can’t, because it’s how she is.

Surely you want someone like this out of your life completely? How much more of your precious and limited head space do you want to let her take?

justwant2beamum · 10/06/2021 11:10

I cannot believe the audacity of some people!! How could you a) dream of doing this in the first place and b) not get the message! It's beyond belief. Imagine someone saying they're busy then you say "I'm determined to come". Wow.

CrazyNeighbour · 10/06/2021 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weakpanda · 10/06/2021 11:11

"For a variety of reason I'm not willing to get into with you it's a firm no. You need to make other arrangements"

Or "Fuck off we're not a babysitting service"

polkadotpjs · 10/06/2021 11:15

I am exactly like you but you will it seems need to be blunt. I love the reply about having people staying not working for you and say a meet is fine but you aren't having anyone to stay - last time was a one off. Never intended to be a regular thing You could even say "I'm sure you'll understand that we could have a house full all year round because of our location. It's too much and I have had to say no to any more visitors but of course you being in the area for a meet up would be lovely"

fruitbrewhaha · 10/06/2021 11:15

Why not love?

Because last time you ended up in our house using me and my nanny for free childcare which you are already expecting to do again. If I want guests at my home I will invite who I want not be pushed into it.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 10/06/2021 11:17

Have you messaged her op?

TrashKitten10 · 10/06/2021 11:18

She can't be making out that they'll be out of your way in the caravan whilst also saying she can't do the holiday solo with the children, that strongly suggests she is relying on you for childcare and support Hmm

I feel for you OP, I'm terrible at saying no but for the sake of your own family and being able to enjoy the holidays you need to nip this one in the bud. Not rude but don't give her any wiggle room as she's clearly a CF

'We would love to see you but unfortunately we all found it quite stressful the last time you stayed and it just doesn't work having so many of us here. If you still plan to come up and stay in the area, I'm happy to recommend campsites/holiday homes. Let me know :)'

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2021 11:18

Also, she can't cope with looking after her twins on her own but she's also saying she will babysit your kids so you and your DH can go out haha

Whitchurch · 10/06/2021 11:19

Pretty much every suggested reply I'm reading here gives her a loophole. So here's my suggestion - you're not sorry so don't say you are and you don't need to make up lies as excuses. You also don't need to say anything that suggests another time might be fine. Why you're worrying about upsetting someone who is fully aware that they took the piss last time I don't know... how about -
Hi X, apologies if I've misled you in any way. As far as we are concerned it didn't really work last time you all came and stayed in your van (or as it turned out much of the time in our house). So we have decided that it won't work for us again. Obviously it will be nice to meet up at some point if you come up this way to stay elsewhere.

Then whatever she comes back with you just shut it down with brief replies. "I understand you don't think you spent much time in the house, however it didn't work for us and we don't want to do it again". "Great that you're looking forward to a holiday however when you came to us it didn't work for us and we don't want to do it again".

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 11:21

i'd chop out the "nice to meet up" Leave no loopholes!

Billybagpuss · 10/06/2021 11:22

I’m getting Mexican house thief vibes here, you’re going to come home and find her camped on the drive.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 10/06/2021 11:23

She has the hide of a Rhino and no consideration for you.

Whatever you say to her please don't suggest 'meeting up for a drink/meal/catch-up' as she'll just use this as an excuse to stay at yours.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2021 11:24

@weakpanda

"For a variety of reason I'm not willing to get into with you it's a firm no. You need to make other arrangements"

Or "Fuck off we're not a babysitting service"

"Fuck off we're not a babysitting service"

bahahaha

Beautiful3 · 10/06/2021 11:27

You'll have to be direct and clear. I would say this, "Hi, thanks for thinking of us for your holiday, I'm really sorry but its not possible to stay with us. I don't get to spend much time with my husband, as you know he works away all year round. He's saving up his annual leave for December so that we can spend time together as a family, we can't do that with visitors. Thanks for being so understanding." Remember that she's not a real friend, just an acquaintance who is using you for a free holiday! If you lived else where, you would never hear from her again! If she still keeps asking to visit, just ignore her! Its not normal to guilt trip people, into having your entire family for a holiday!

Mythreeknights · 10/06/2021 11:29

'God you're a pushy twat aren't you? I've said 'no'. Get in your poxy campervan and fuck off' - not diplomatic enough ?

This is by far my favourite response that you should give her!

Whitchurch · 10/06/2021 11:29

To be honest, I've learned not to be so nice as I've said above. If a person is an absolute cheeky git and not a real friend my real-life reply would be more like "You're not serious are you? It was chaos last time! You need to find somewhere else to stay next time you come up this way".

BlowDryRat · 10/06/2021 11:31

As a slight amendment to the PP:

'Hi x, I've tried not to be too direct as I don't want to appear rude, but the message doesn't seem to be getting through. Your last visit wasn't as relaxing as we hoped it would be and we won't be hosting you again. You will need to make other arrangements.'

ApolloandDaphne · 10/06/2021 11:32

She isn't half pushy and dense! You need to be blunt and honest with her.

LeopardHawk · 10/06/2021 11:33

I don't understand this. I really don't. What is so difficult about being clear? You don't have to tell her to go fuck herself or write dreadful wordy pseudo-legal bullshit.

"Sorry but it's not possible for you to stay here again. I hope you have a nice holiday wherever you do decide to go."

Swipe left for the next trending thread