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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/06/2021 21:49

Bold fail

MadameQuaver · 10/06/2021 21:51

With this type of narcissistic bull in a china shop person you have to be blunt. As has been suggested too I'd block her and not converse with her again.

SinkGirl · 10/06/2021 22:06

chants log store, log store, LOG STORE

Someone share - I love a good CF story!

mnahmnah · 10/06/2021 22:11

I missed the log store one. Link please!

TrickyD · 10/06/2021 22:14

Yes, joining the log store chanting.

Also what was that about the jewellery wearing guest? I missed that one too, but am familiar with Mexican CFs.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/06/2021 22:15

Please just say, “We are not having anyone visiting us. If we want to see people, we invite them.” Do NOT apologise, do not hint at the word sorry and offer no reason.

If she replies afterwards pressuring you again do not reply. Then block her in every way possible. She sounds both horrible and selfish.

Bumzoo · 10/06/2021 22:23

Be tough. No thanks.

slightlysnippy · 10/06/2021 22:23

Why don't you just be honest- sorry no guests this year, DH and I only have 3 weeks together and we're really looking forward to some stress free family time. Essentially we're hibernating, hopefully we can catch up later in the year.

ThreeLocusts · 10/06/2021 22:23

Amazingly entitled, this aspiring visitor. I'd emphasize the 'this family time is so important to us' angle and just say you're not taking any visitors at all. Maybe you can blame covid? Say you've had a particularly hard year, not seen enough of DH, need to focus on yourselves, etc? And I think you've got justification to be rude, if it comes to that.

BorderlineHappy · 10/06/2021 22:25

@PutTheCakeDOWN Come back and let us know.

MargosKaftan · 10/06/2021 22:29

Completely waiting for the response!

But I think she won't even bother being polite enough to respond, unless it's to argue against your stance.

2020nymph · 10/06/2021 22:35

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Mexican House Thief isn't even an isolated incident on here, either. There have been legion of such.

One poster was on one of the Channel Islands and had a 'friend' who consistently invited herself and her husband and daughter over, took the piss and then invited herself back. She guilt-tripped the OP about not having a 'holiday', got her to pay their ferry fees and then, on the last go-round before the OP finally woke up, the OP caught the teen daughter WEARING a gold bracelet of the OP's that the OP's mother had given her on the way to the ferry back! The girl had dug in the OP's room and poached a piece of jewellery! When the OP demanded it back, she and the mother had the nerve to get offended.

She got the bracelet back, reader.

I remember that one. They were just so entitled and couldn't understand the OP wanting her bracelet back.

RedToothBrush · 10/06/2021 22:37

"I'm sorry but having house guests in December is not something that I'm willing to do because of the stress and extra work it means especially when covid / restrictions are a possibility plus DH works offshore so time alone with him is precious". And send her a B&B link.

If she pushes and says she will be no effort / you won't notice her etc, just say that wasn't true last time and you just aren't prepared to deal with it. And send her the B&B link again.

If she pushes again offer no response but the link to the B&B.

Rinse and Repeat.

If she doesn't like it and won't respect your boundaries on this, then she isn't a friend worth having and you may as well be direct and say "which part of 'no' are you failing to understand?".

champagnetruffleshuffle · 10/06/2021 22:39

I'm just adding, in case she starts being passive aggressive on social media, unfollow or snooze her posts for a few weeks. Out of sight, out of mind!

covidandborisandworld · 10/06/2021 22:44

Just say no You are away or have family staying

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 22:48

@slightlysnippy

Why don't you just be honest- sorry no guests this year, DH and I only have 3 weeks together and we're really looking forward to some stress free family time. Essentially we're hibernating, hopefully we can catch up later in the year.
because the OP NEVER want's to catch up and that response leaves the door open for next year
godmum56 · 10/06/2021 22:49

@RedToothBrush

"I'm sorry but having house guests in December is not something that I'm willing to do because of the stress and extra work it means especially when covid / restrictions are a possibility plus DH works offshore so time alone with him is precious". And send her a B&B link.

If she pushes and says she will be no effort / you won't notice her etc, just say that wasn't true last time and you just aren't prepared to deal with it. And send her the B&B link again.

If she pushes again offer no response but the link to the B&B.

Rinse and Repeat.

If she doesn't like it and won't respect your boundaries on this, then she isn't a friend worth having and you may as well be direct and say "which part of 'no' are you failing to understand?".

"so ok hows about november then? January?" and so on ad nauseaum honestly you need to leave zero loopholes
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/06/2021 22:57

I can see you enjoyed your last visit . I'm happy you had a good holiday, but DH and I agreed to that visit as a one off favour. Having guests stay when we have so little family time together, is too stressful and we will not be doing it again. We wouldn't be able to help you with your twins, so staying with us wouldn't give you the support you seem to be saying you would need any way. Thanks for your understanding in accepting our refusal and I hope you manage to make other arrangements. It isn't personal but we just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding so that you can make other arrangements. It would be disappointing for you to leave it too late to book anywhere because you were mistakenly thinking you could stay here again. Have you considered a ski holiday with a kids club? Let us know when you have booked somewhere to stay and we may be able to give you some tips on nice places to visit.

This ^^

GettingItOutThere · 10/06/2021 23:02

you need to be blunt/rude, else she will probably just turn up!

great suggestions on the thread -be blunt!

CoraPirbright · 10/06/2021 23:07

I like BigRedBoat’s way of putting it:
'look, I've tried to be nice about it but I'm finding your pushiness to come and stay at my house a bit much, I've said it doesn't work for me so can you stop hassling me about it?'

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2021 23:11

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

I can see you enjoyed your last visit . I'm happy you had a good holiday, but DH and I agreed to that visit as a one off favour. Having guests stay when we have so little family time together, is too stressful and we will not be doing it again. We wouldn't be able to help you with your twins, so staying with us wouldn't give you the support you seem to be saying you would need any way. Thanks for your understanding in accepting our refusal and I hope you manage to make other arrangements. It isn't personal but we just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding so that you can make other arrangements. It would be disappointing for you to leave it too late to book anywhere because you were mistakenly thinking you could stay here again. Have you considered a ski holiday with a kids club? Let us know when you have booked somewhere to stay and we may be able to give you some tips on nice places to visit.

This ^^

Beautifully worded! Polite and with zero wiggle room.
ellyeth · 10/06/2021 23:57

I agree - MrsElijah's response is polite but honest.

I can't believe how thick skinned some people can be. I expect many people would find this situation embarrassing but firm words are needed. I feel this woman has such a cheek that if she takes offence and doesn't contact you again it will resolve your problem for good and all.

TheTuesdayPringle · 10/06/2021 23:57

Why are you worried about appearing rude? She isn't.

And besides, it isn't rude to say no, but adding excuses can cause confusion. Somewhere along the line she got the impression that staying with you was ok so you need to be very clear that it isn't, not because of Christmas or "precious family time" ugh, just because it doesn't work for you.

Sorry we can not host your family, it doesn't work for us.

QioiioiioQ · 10/06/2021 23:58

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

I can see you enjoyed your last visit . I'm happy you had a good holiday, but DH and I agreed to that visit as a one off favour. Having guests stay when we have so little family time together, is too stressful and we will not be doing it again. We wouldn't be able to help you with your twins, so staying with us wouldn't give you the support you seem to be saying you would need any way. Thanks for your understanding in accepting our refusal and I hope you manage to make other arrangements. It isn't personal but we just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding so that you can make other arrangements. It would be disappointing for you to leave it too late to book anywhere because you were mistakenly thinking you could stay here again. Have you considered a ski holiday with a kids club? Let us know when you have booked somewhere to stay and we may be able to give you some tips on nice places to visit.

This ^^

It's good but I think too wordy 🤔 I prefer... 📣 " Oi!! you're BARRED
TheTuesdayPringle · 10/06/2021 23:58

And definitely don't say"it isn't personal". It is absolutely personal. Which is fine. Just don't stoop to waffly lies.