How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

I am sorry, perhaps I’ve not been direct enough in my previous texts. We don’t want visitors this winter so please do not leave the month open to visit us. Have fun planning your trip but it’s not with us this time.

Please keep us updated on this I cannot believe how rude and cheeky she is. There are some great responses on her, be direct and polite, she has to be aware that the no goes for all times of the year. So she doesn't put you in the awkward situation again.

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

And this is your problem ... how, exactly?

BTW, forget any idea of her recognising herself if the Mail pick this up
As anyone living in a holiday area will know, this happens so often there's no reason for her to believe it would be about her

Op,

Some poster also advised you about not responding, as in.

You ...it doesn't suit us, good luck.

CF....why???? Why doesn't it suit????

You...do not reply.

This is good advice.

Don't get involved in discussions you dont want.

Tell the person.. this doesn't suit/slash isn't happening....and don't reply to any comback, you don't have to reply.....you have already stated your position.

This has worked for me on the few occasions that I came across a persistent parent.

Just don't engage.

With respect ... acquaintance, I've have tried to tell you politely, but you are choosing to continuously ride roughshod over me.
The answer is no.
Please do not message me again about it.
I will not change my mind.

OP who cares if she's negative about you on Facebook - does it really matter??

Jesus she sounds like she's got thicker skin than a
Dozen rhinos ... please send her a firm note, there's some lovely gentle but firm suggestions on here - good luck and ffs what are people like!

OP I have just googled the Cairngorms. It's beautiful! So I thought I might pop in too - won't get in your way, just the odd shower here and there? Looking forward to it!

‘Oh, how lovely that you enjoyed staying with us so much! We didn’t. It’s a no’.

‘Which part of no do you not understand? I’ve said I don’t want to do that’s the end of it! I do not want to discuss this further!’ If she post some passive aggressive white on Facebook put the laughing emoji on it. Do not offer to meet up if she comes up as she’ll use that as an ‘in’, grow a spine.

^^ What Billy said. Any offer of explanation on open the door for them to work around.

It's been said here many times before - "No," is a complete sentence.

How about:

Ooh yes, it was fabulous Last year. Can’t wait for you to come and stay. Come for a month.

Ps we have moved to Grimsby

You won’t See her again.

Make you medical problems.

Oh no. CF extreme! You need to be extremely blunt in this case or alternatively lie….make some shit up about having family visiting. Some people never get the memo,

I haven't read all the responses but I am sure that there are many that say "just tell her NO". I'm joining that club.

"After a previous stay, we have decided on a policy that only friends and family are welcome to stay now. I do hope you manage to find somewhere suitable."

Think you just need to be firm and leave no room for manoeuvres on her part.

Eg,

As I've already said, we aren't able to host you again. Your last visit was far too stressful for us and encroached on our family time too much as well as being stressful for our nanny, who shouldn't be expected to look after your children. I've tried to be polite, but you seem unable to take no for an answer. This won't change so don't ask again. You will need to make other arrangements as we will not be hosting you at all. I won't be responding to any further messages about this as I'm finding your refusal to accept me saying no as rude and pushy.

Can't you just say 'After some bad experiences we've decided not to accommodate visitors any more' or something to that effect?

Block her on social media first so you aren't worried about any fallout and then send the message.

So what; those who know you KNOW! Those who know her also know as she will be pushy about other things too x

Hi OP
I’d just say that work and family life is very busy on and you can only commit to close family as visitors for the foreseeable. If she finds out another closer friend has stayed that’s not a bad thing.

I think you do need to be blunt to cool the friendship as she obviously sees you as closer than you are, and you need to assert your boundaries. She’s pushing you because she believes she can pressure you to agree to staying with you and spending a significant amount of time together that she clearly enjoys more than you do. If you manage to put her off in this instance, but are so polite she’s not aware you are not close friends, then she’ll just continue until she has visited.

One of your worries seems to be what other people might think of you for not hosting her, especially if she posts on social media.

However, people who are such blatant users as she appears to be usually have form for trying it on with anyone and everyone. So I should imagine that anyone who knows her and sees her posts will get the picture.

Hell, even if some random person I did not know at all started posting shite about someone else for not hosting them, I would tend to think poorly of the poster, not of the person being dissed.

Stop faffing around worrying about being nice. She keeps pushing and it's extremely rude. She's not going to get the message without you being brutal because she only cares about a holiday and free childcare. I'd be telling her she's not invited and not to ask again.

"She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids"

They're her kids! You nor your nanny are her free childcare! She needs to suck it up and get on with it. CF - needs help with her kids? Jeez, I've heard it all now.

Just text her: we have so little family time we do not want to be disturbed during the precious time we have together. We do not want any visitors. We want to relax and do our own thing. Your previous visit was too much for us and our nanny. We don't wish to repeat it. Hope you find somewhere else to stay.

Block. Ignore.

"CF acquaintance, I think you underestimate how much of a disruption to our family life you lot were last time you came. It's clearly the Cairngorms you're longing to see again and not us, so you'll just have to make alternative arrangements this time."

I’d just go silent on her. You said no. That should be enough. And if you don’t respond then she can’t talk you down from no.