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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 10/06/2021 18:18

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Mexican House Thief isn't even an isolated incident on here, either. There have been legion of such.

One poster was on one of the Channel Islands and had a 'friend' who consistently invited herself and her husband and daughter over, took the piss and then invited herself back. She guilt-tripped the OP about not having a 'holiday', got her to pay their ferry fees and then, on the last go-round before the OP finally woke up, the OP caught the teen daughter WEARING a gold bracelet of the OP's that the OP's mother had given her on the way to the ferry back! The girl had dug in the OP's room and poached a piece of jewellery! When the OP demanded it back, she and the mother had the nerve to get offended.

She got the bracelet back, reader.

Wow-I would love to read that one!
soloula · 10/06/2021 18:26

Always amazed by these people and how many of them there seems to be kicking about...

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/06/2021 18:26

Perhaps tell her you expect to have moved by then...

stayathomer · 10/06/2021 18:28

The fuck it is! Do you invite yourself over to your friends' homes for a holiday? Do you then expect their paid nanny to look after your kids? Do you then invite yourself back, not take 'No' for an answer and tell her you won't stay anywhere else because you want to use them as childcare? Get real
Think of how you talk to your real friends- was thinking we should do x, how about it?we can do X,y and z' etc etc, then you throw ideas around. If she doesn't know OP thinks of her like she does then she's just suggesting the way you iron any holiday/night out/meet up out. That's what I'm saying.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 18:37

@stayathomer

The fuck it is! Do you invite yourself over to your friends' homes for a holiday? Do you then expect their paid nanny to look after your kids? Do you then invite yourself back, not take 'No' for an answer and tell her you won't stay anywhere else because you want to use them as childcare? Get real Think of how you talk to your real friends- was thinking we should do x, how about it?we can do X,y and z' etc etc, then you throw ideas around. If she doesn't know OP thinks of her like she does then she's just suggesting the way you iron any holiday/night out/meet up out. That's what I'm saying.
But when you're politely told NO, you accept it and leave it, you don't find chinks in the armour to bamboozle your way in, keep coming back with 'We're determined . . . ' etc etc.

I'm going on holiday next week with mates. Brought up by one mate, then we all come in with what works, throw around times and dates, talk about costs, food, etc. If the answer was, 'This doesn't work for me' you accept that not 'Well, I want to come to yours anyway.'

Not to mention expecting childcare! C'mon. I'm the only one of the 4 of us with kids still at home, although mine are teens and even though DS has autism, he's hit an easy patch and is high functioning (DH is going on a holiday with his mates in July as I take the kids abroad to see family in Summer).

dapsnotplimsolls · 10/06/2021 18:39

I'm starting to think she wants you to be really rude just so she can bitch about you on social media!

PanamaPattie · 10/06/2021 18:45

I would never just invite myself to another persons house for a free holiday - but then I’m not a brazen CF.

Killahangilion · 10/06/2021 18:47

To the point…

“After last time?
No, you aren’t welcome to stay here again at for at least the foreseeable or until hell freezes over”

She is not your friend. No-one actually cares about other people’s passive aggressive posts on social media other than for the entertainment value, so don’t worry about that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/06/2021 18:49

It’s true that some other nationalities have no problem with being very ‘direct’ or outspoken, in a way that will often be seen in the U.K. as rude. A Swedish friend of mine will be the first to acknowledge that her compatriots are often like this. It’s not ‘racist’ to say so.

I hope she gets the message, OP, but this has been a very entertaining thread!
Might add that certain Canadian relations of mine have been guilty of CFery when it comes to inviting themselves. In one case, 10 days of freeloading - sightseeing trips/entrance fees, meals out, etc. thrown in - and not so much as an email to say thank you afterwards.
I shall have absolutely no problem being ‘busy’ if there are any more requests.

doodlejump1980 · 10/06/2021 18:51

@PutTheCakeDOWN I live 40mins north in Inv, my 6yo twins are impeccably behaved. We also have a camper. If she does turn up I can be there in under an hour if you need someone else to fill your driveway! I can bring cake too. :)

ElderMillennial · 10/06/2021 18:51

Has she replied OP?

If not, maybe she has got the message.

BertramLacey · 10/06/2021 18:54

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Well that's your answer OP - she isn't nice. Nice people don't invite themselves to people's houses on the pretext of wanting to see them when really they want a cheap holiday with child care thrown in, in a beautiful area.

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Well it does in the sense that people tend to get the message and go away, although I wouldn't text or message it, I'd just say it if there were no witnesses. She's rude and pushy. Whoever said you cannot fight fire with fire was not talking about rude, pushy people. The only way to fight them is to push back harder. Go with some of the suggestions here, the more direct the better.
You cannot stay here.
Why not?
We don't want you to.
Why not?
The last visit was not enjoyable. End of discussion.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 18:58

why would you not say it in front of witnesses? I mean not in front of the vicar obvs......

CallMeCleo · 10/06/2021 19:02

@CormoranStrike

How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”
I second this.

This CF woman is a mere acquaintance. Who cares if she is offended? Not only does she totally deserve to be told how you feel but who gives flying fuck? You don't want them back, not now, not ever, so why on earth are you being such a wet sponge about it?

TELL HER STRAIGHT.

MustardRose · 10/06/2021 19:04

@GrimDamnFanjo

Perhaps tell her you expect to have moved by then...
^ this.

Think of somewhere either inaccessible or grim. Ideally both.

Twoforthree · 10/06/2021 19:08

Awaiting the reply.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 19:08

I wouldn't waste lies on her

RandomMess · 10/06/2021 19:12

Very late to the thread BUT

3 kids under 5/6/7 is more than an enough for me/husband and the nanny. Last time was too much for us.

QioiioiioQ · 10/06/2021 19:13

I want to start one of those crowdfunding things to raise money so we can bride you to tell her to FUCK OFF
(or at least ghost her?)

Almondcroissant25 · 10/06/2021 19:13

She sounds COMPLETELY high maintenance, I’d be purposely blunt just to shake her!

Houseofvelour · 10/06/2021 19:16

@Twoforthree

Awaiting the reply.
Same 🙊
SionnachGlic · 10/06/2021 19:19

Do a combi of other suggestions...reinforce your DH is home & you want to concentrate on your own family unit in your own home without having to consider guests for a week, so no to her request & your Nanny is not available to care for guest children as it was overwhelming for her on the last occasion they visited. While you don't wish to be rude, you want to be clear that a visit is not possible as your family is no. 1 priority & you are looking forward to much longed for downtime together.
I can't believe someone would be so pushy. If I replied along those lines & she asked again, I would respond that she is now being rude forcing the issue & please do not text /msg about it again.

She is totally a CF. Some guests are just too stressful & your experience of her the last time was just awful. Don't let her wheedle her way into your home (or onto your drive) again.

sadperson16 · 10/06/2021 19:21

How about....Our time together is precious. We have made the decision not to let the van anymore. We will not be available at all and whilst I wish you no harm, on this occasion I am prioritising myself.

lazylump72 · 10/06/2021 19:26

How about not responding to her messages and just ignoring her calls...or get a new phone number and forget to give it to her!

Raaaaaaarr · 10/06/2021 19:27

This is not a real friend. This is just a pushy person. You have tried polite quite a few times. Time to be blunt. Try this

"Hi {insert name},

I would advise you to plan something else for your Christmas plans. We are choosing to have family only time over this period. Thank you for understanding and respecting our decision.

Regards {your name}