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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
lurkingattheback · 10/06/2021 16:17

Many good responses already, but make it clear your wonderful nanny will not be availability to look after her children.

I'd also drop in how you and your family can't wait to visit her next Christmas as you'd really like some alone time with your husband!

cameocat · 10/06/2021 16:17

She is cheeky and rude and therefore you need to something similar.

If I wanted guests for extended stays I would run an Air B and B and make money from it. You are being very cheeky with the expectation of childcare and hosting. Please stop asking, it's not about visiting us you just want childcare and like our location.

Bakedbeanhead · 10/06/2021 16:17

@Flibbitygibbit

Or send “ who dis ?” 🤣
Oh this made me laugh !
FuckyouCovid21 · 10/06/2021 16:18

@Cadent

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

🙄

Brits can be CFs too! Remember the Mexican house thieve?

God that thread was a lesson in cheeky fuckery eh? Great read but shocking for the OP
AzraiL · 10/06/2021 16:19

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

You must be new to mumsnet. Welcome Flowers

OP whatever you do please do not suggest she get an airbnb or campsite. Don't even mention the possibility of her coming within 100km of where you are. I guarantee she'll turn up at your door with an excuse of her booking 'falling through' or some other such nonsense.

Marmite27 · 10/06/2021 16:20

@PutTheCakeDOWN

You know X works offshore and it's the only time he gets with the kids plus with Covid I will be prioritising family I haven't seen for 18 months.

I said something along these lines at the start and got ‘awww but we really want to see you! Just let us know the days you don’t see anyone there and we’ll come then.’

It’s time to say there will be no days we will be able to accommodate you.
Csx99 · 10/06/2021 16:28

Let us know when she replies back. I feel very invested in this now Grin

ScrollingLeaves · 10/06/2021 16:30

“FatCatThinCat

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.”

Someone is being a cheeky freeloader so you question if they're British? Do you not think it's a tad bit racist to imply that they must be foreign because British people don't engage in that sort of carry on?“

You can call it racist but actually I was thinking about the very friendly, open nature of Americans. I have an American relative in mind who might have taken this approach to the OP ( but equally have welcomed her with open arms if it were the other way round). There was sometimes a culture clash for her in the U.K.

boompah · 10/06/2021 16:30

@PeterPomegranate

Maybe say: “I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we won’t be having guests over that month so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere it would be nice to meet up one day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here.”
This is a good robust and clear suggestion
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2021 16:31

Well done. I hope she accepts your answer. Cf.

stayathomer · 10/06/2021 16:34

I feel really sorry for her. Hopefully you can just sort it out and after that maybe try and end the friendship/acquaintanceship

NotSorry · 10/06/2021 16:36

@stayathomer

I feel really sorry for her. Hopefully you can just sort it out and after that maybe try and end the friendship/acquaintanceship
Why do you feel sorry for her?
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/06/2021 16:37

I would go with the excellent "for various reasons it doesn't suit us" text. If she comes back asking why it doesn't suit you don't have to respond to that at all, but if you feel that you must you could say "Since we're in a lovely tourist area we get a lot of people wanting to stay with us. Covid has given us the space to realise that nobody in the family really enjoys that and we prefer to have time by ourselves. As a result we are cutting down visitors to close family and very long-term friends, and even then it will only be by our invitation and not whenever they ask."

The Mexican house thief was American, wasn't he? I'm pretty sure that the Mexican house owner was in America and the MHT was a neighbour.

boompah · 10/06/2021 16:39

@stayathomer

I feel really sorry for her. Hopefully you can just sort it out and after that maybe try and end the friendship/acquaintanceship
Ha!

She'd see you coming a mile off and have the clothes off your back.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 10/06/2021 16:40

Ide probably reply something like "that's fine but just so you know we have become nudist and expect all visitors to partake. NO EXCEPTIONS."
But then I dread to think of what she would reply to that.

Yaya26 · 10/06/2021 16:40

She is being exceedingly rude and pushy. Just tell it to as it is once nicely and stop contact. Xx

Sometimesfraught82 · 10/06/2021 16:42

* she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser. *

I can think of other adjectives Tbh.

There’s another thread on here. “Small things that are big tells”, and this fits very neatly on there!

Muchasgracias · 10/06/2021 16:44

Absolutely massive CF. She has zero self awareness. Her message about asking you to let her know when the other visitors have gone so she can pile in Shock. Who does that???

ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/06/2021 16:44

If she needs help with the kids, how is she going to be on the drive & you won't even know she's there?

Would, "No. I don't want you on my property" work??

EerieSilence · 10/06/2021 16:47

Can't you simply tell her:

"Hi [friend], ever since we've joined Jehova's Witnesses, we've been encourage the spread the true word so your and your family's presence is more than welcome. Can't wait to have some passionate and faith-filled discussions with you. I've been saving several editions of Watch Tower only for you, just knock on the door (oh, the irony!). Love, Cake.

Benjispruce3 · 10/06/2021 16:48

Just say no!, it doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to explain or apologise.

Sometimesfraught82 · 10/06/2021 16:59

@Benjispruce3

Just say no!, it doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to explain or apologise.
28 pages in

Clearly this sensible approach is not how the OP wishes to approach the situation!

Sometimesfraught82 · 10/06/2021 16:59

18

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/06/2021 17:00

Why can't you just be honest. She's surely not someone you want in your life? She sounds vile, they all do.
I'd tell her exactly why. But then I wouldn't have let it happen.

Shedbuilder · 10/06/2021 17:02

I wouldn't bother pussy-footing around. People like this don't do nuance. 'Your last visit was very stressful for my household and we're not going to go through that again.'

Just leave it there. Don't explain, don't get drawn into arguments and promises not to be a nuisance this time. The idea of holidaying with babies and teens in a camper van in January is ridiculous. It's cold and daylight's short. They need to rent a cottage/ lodge.

I lived in Pembrokeshire for a few years and the constant stream of visitors expecting to be fed, entertained and ferried around turned from fun to a nightmare.