How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

@AlGorithim ah I can't get that tune out of my head now

You will feel so relieved for having said no!

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

Someone is being a cheeky freeloader so you question if they're British? Do you not think it's a tad bit racist to imply that they must be foreign because British people don't engage in that sort of carry on?

You are going to have to be blunt I’m afraid OP. Poor you, this woman is being very unreasonable and selfish.

"How about: “last time we found it stressful and invasive in to our precious family time, so we are having no guests at all this winter. Hope you find somewhere to camp up, enjoy your break.”
This. Clear direct and polite. She will stop pestering you if you say something like this.

@Smallredclip

“Hi, thanks for thinking of us in your holiday plans but for various reasons that doesn’t work for us. It’s not personal. Hope all else is well with you, etc”

This is excellent - polite, concise, and gives no room for her to negotiate/trample your boundaries. If she comes back with ‘but why…?’, totally ignore her.

I hate cheeky fuckers!!

Send her the link to this discussion then block her.

This probably wont work but

Sorry you cant come and stay at all. I cant explain as its a bit embarrassing for DH. It just cant work in any way.

🤣

@FatCatThinCat

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

Someone is being a cheeky freeloader so you question if they're British? Do you not think it's a tad bit racist to imply that they must be foreign because British people don't engage in that sort of carry on?

Oh give over. 🙄 It’s not racist to acknowledge that some cultures/countries have more direct or indirect communication norms than others, FFS! The British ‘national culture’/stereotype has always been that of indirect communication styles.

Blimey, Cake with friends/acquaintances like this who needs enemies, eh? I hope she takes note of your reply but if not you're going to have to be blunter. CFs like her rarely take the hint - you have to spell it out to them. Good luck OP.

The British ‘national culture’/stereotype has always been that of indirect communication styles

Absolutely!

My German friends have absolutely no qualms about saying "No" to anything or anyone, and don't take offence when it's said to them.

It took them many years to realise that when an English person says "Oh - we must catch up again soon." (or similar phrase) it means "Under no circumstances do I ever again want to spend a minute in your company. I would rather crawl to Hell and back over broken glass than listen to your spoiled brats whining for yet more ice cream."

😂 😂 😂

It’s not racist to acknowledge that some cultures/countries have more direct or indirect communication norms than others,

But it is racist when talking about behaviours in a very negative way to assume that the person engaging in those behaviours must be foreign.

I don't think you should even suggest seeing her for the day because she is so pushy and will somehow end up in your house as it's even more difficult to say no in person.

I think you are going to find her on your doorstep one day OP, banking on you being too polite to tell her to f off. See Julia Davis' character in nighty night.

The way I read it she’s not really a friend, just an acquaintance. You need to be blunt with her. Also she’s saying she can’t deal with her kids by herself so she’s looking for help with them, it’s not the odd shower!

Sorry I think you need to be less polite. I think you need to say something like Thanks for thinking of us however we found hosting people camping on our property stressful, invasive of our home for showers and warmth etc so we have decided not to host again. We are planning a small personal family Christmas Season/Holiday Season etc to make the most of dh being. Best of luck with camping.

“No, you can’t come to stay. Since the pandemic I’ve realised that I don’t like people very much. They are a major pain in the arse. And now we are coming out of lockdown here you are squawking away”.

"Oh isn't it our turn to come to yours this Christmas? We don't have a campervan, but it's ok, you and your children can camp out in the living room and DH and our kids will take your bedrooms. He's home for a month, a four week staycation round at yours would be such fun! His in-laws usually come over for christmas, so we'll bring them too. New DDog isn't making much progress with the behaviourist I'm afraid, but as long as you don't make eye contact with him he isn't too aggressive towards strangers! And FIL's continence problem is SO much better now"

Gosh I think I'd just block her on everything.

Or send “ who dis ?” 🤣

The only way to end this nonsense is

Actually we were thinking about coming and staying with you, when are free ?

Guarantee you won't hear from her again ! Works every time !

If she can't cope with the twins on her own, then she has no business travelling anywhere on her own with them. I'd be blunt and tell her this.

Don't be a doormat. Just tell her you won't be hosting her or her family at your home or on your property. Ever. It doesn't work for you, end of.

You'd be happy to meet up for a drink next time she's in the area, though.

She's not 'nice'. She's not your 'friend'. She's a cheeky fucker who knows exactly what she's doing and knows it she's pushy enough she frequently get what she wants at the expense of everyone else.

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

So not only is the CF imposing herself on you, she wants childcare as well 😲 wtaf!
Surprise us and tell us she’s a lone parent.

Please let us know how she responds op