How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

She needs help with the kids as in you ? (Or the nanny)

That is beyond CF

“AssassinatedBeauty

I would respond with something along the lines that you won't be having any visitors at all over the Christmas period, so it's a waste of her time to keep a month clear. I would say you aren't going to change your mind, so please stop contacting me about it. You are going to have to be fairly blunt here I think, to get your message across.“

I agree. Keep saying you are keeping the whole of the holiday for your own family.

What’s the worst that can happen? She may feel upset or angry if you say this. But by far the worst thing would be her turning up with her family again.

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

Maybe it's easy for me to say as someone who actively doesn't want many extraneous people in my life, but I'd actually be relieved if someone like that was offended, posted some crap to FB, then left me alone (probably only until the next time she fancied a winter get-away at your home).

You've tried being polite, but she's refusing to take the hint. Telling her that you're sorry, but you simply won't be hosting guests is the only way. (The "sorry" is optional, btw.) If she's that pushy, it probably won't be the first time she's had someone reach the breaking point and give her a blunt "NO".

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

A British friend of my British (sadly now dead) mum invited herself to come stay in our house in a popular holiday destination in the UK several times. We were all too polite to say fuck off. I assure you that Britons have the capacity to be just as grabby as anyone

Gosh OP I certainly think you need to send that message very clearly. She says she can't manage her twins on her own - so unless you stop the visit she is definitely on planning on you helping! If you lose the friendship so be it! Just send what @PeterPomegranate said, forget changes, don't give her any loopholes. If she finds out you had your Mum or whoever later then so what.

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

🙄

Brits can be CFs too! Remember the Mexican house thieve?

[quote BettyUnderswoob]@Rubyrecka Cheeky Fucker![/quote]
Thank you!!

I've come to the conclusion that it's just best to be honest about it. I can't be bothered with making up excuses. I reckon a real friend will have empathy and understand. If they don't, then it's probably time to move on.

We have had a difficult and stressful year like everyone else and have found it really tough not seeing husband. Fortunately he has time off at christmas and I have also taken time off work so we can spend some really quality quiet time as a family re grouping. We have decided that we all need this for our mental health !!. So sorry that we can't accommodate you this year but I am sure you understand.
Too much personal info. The OP doesn't owe her jack shit.

“Cadent

What nationality is she? It doesn’t seem very British for a friend of a friend to invite themselves for a holiday with someone.

🙄

Brits can be CFs too! Remember the Mexican house thieve?“

I am sure you’re right.

What was the Mexican house theive ?

I am an old crone now, but when I was younger, 20s, 30s, 40s, I could not be direct in saying 'no' to people, and would get myself into a right fankle, telling fibs, making excuses, tying myself in knots. It always ended badly with CFers taking the piss.

Now I know that you can be perfectly direct without being rude, you just need to be very firm and spell it out for them. So, if she tries to get round you another way, you just have to repeat it - not, you're not having any guests AT ALL over the entire holiday period.

Please try! (it's very liberating, wish I'd done it decades ago).

If none of the suggestions work, you could always do what the Durell's did and move to a smaller house (or in your case to a boring area) to avoid relatives coming to stay

I do feel for you OP. We'd only been in our new house in Northumberland for a week when a woman I knew vaguely from the kids nursery in London turned up with all four of her children, I was so shocked. My husband was away and I felt really awkward, but luckily only had to scramble some lunch and drinks together as they were only 'passing through'. She wrote and asked if they could come for Christmas - luckily we always went to my OH's parents. Never heard from her again.

The key thing is, shes a pushy rude user.

She doesn't give a shit about YOU or your family.

You are a means to an end.

She has NO respect for you, she actually thinks you are a bit dim.

Because there is NO way in hell she would EVER be imposed upon in the way she did with your family.

You are hopping and dancing around for someone who could care less about you.

You need to treat her like someone you don't care about.

"Apologies if I have confused you, We are not having visitors that are not close friends or family."

Thats it.

95% NEVER have this shit happen to them.

Stop wanting to be liked by a CF user.

[quote Billybagpuss]@Cravey you’re kidding, did you get them to leave or were they just bemused that you didn’t think it was ok?[/quote]
They left, they had no choice I was expecting family the day after. They really tried to guilt me too. Didn't work. It was all really odd, they knew my sister ( was her party the year before ) and just seemed to think it was ok. They called me sister too and said they had been told to leave and could she have a word. She told them to fuck off. It was all a bit surreal, home from work notice a tent, know it's not one of ours. Pop over and they're having a bbq. Just strange.

This feels like it might be a clash of asking styles, some people think it is right to ask for what they want and expect people to say no if it is an issue, others would only ask for what they consider to be totally reasonable, these kind of people find it hard to say no, because there is that belief that all requests are reasonable so should be accommodated.

If, when you've made it perfectly clear that she can't stay, she continues to message you, I'd 100% just stop responding. She can't very well just turn up if she's heard nothing at all from you for 6 months! You don't owe her anything, she doesn't even sound like a friend, and it would probably be better for you if she was out of your life. Just ignore for as long as necessary, if she's really persistent block her.

Yes, I used to be like you, Op. After some experience of life and pushy people, I had to learn to say the word “No”, firmly and deliberately. Just that two letter word, “No” when I didn’t want my boundaries invaded.

Very simple and it cuts out all the crap.

You need to be very blunt. You need to say that you do not want visitors and your house is not a holiday home and the last visit was a one off that you will not be repeating.
Her problems are not your problems
Ask the mutual friend for advice too
Stop being nice - even if you were rude it wouldn’t matter - this person is not your friend - they just want a free holiday with some childcare

I would maybe go along the location route to get rid of her. "I can assume you appreciate that since people find out where we live they want to come and stay with us. Unfortunately due to this we can only have close family and long standing friends stay else with DH being away we would never get any family time. And with Covid last year we have lots of catching up to do with those people. Hope you find somewhere else nice to stay". She has blatantly told you she wants child care and see you and your nanny as extra hands. She is beyond rude. If she still don't take a hint you are going to have to be blunt. "No. My nanny is for our kids. And our home is for our family. It was not fun nor relaxing for us"

You can't avoid her playing this out on social media, so you just have to get on it. I would avoid any reasons for saying no as she will just try to argue. Say something like "Sorry, we have decided that we aren't having any visitors over that period that are not close family, so you won't be able to stay. Our minds are made up about this, so please make other arrangements if you want a holiday break." She will want to argue the point, but just ignore from then on.

Mexican house thief link

It’s about half way down page 6

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1735637-Have-you-ever-encountered-anyone-this-cheeky?pg=6

@viques

Dear CF.

Last year you brought your family to my home to stay in the middle of winter, planning to live and sleep in your van. I had my doubts about the viability of this but regretfully did not express them .You know how things worked out. It was too cold , cramped and impossible for you to sleep in your van . So I allowed you to stay in my house out of pity and misguided concern for your children . It was a mistake. Intentionally or not you and your family abused my hospitality with stressful arguments and lack of consideration for our home and family life. I have to tell you that with the full co operation and agreement of my family we are not prepared to repeat the experience , so your request to visit us again this winter, or in the future, is denied.

There will be no discussion or negotiation about this, I will not change my mind. You are not welcome, you are not invited.

Surely no one would actually send this unless it was to Steve Wright's sad stories hoping for a £5 postal order in return.

If she comes back, just use one of these:

'sorry no, its not possible',
'I've given you my answer'
'It's still no'
'I don't feel like you are listening'
'Let's move on from this subject as I've told you my position'

Then don't respond any further.

She will probably wait a few weeks then ask again, so be consistent.

Do you actually want to keep this person as a friend?

Good luck OP. She sounds like a nightmare and I'm glad you've messaged her. I've come to this late, but one thing I've learned during the pandemic is that my time with my family and time alone is precious. I'm no longer making excuses about wanting to ring fence it.

I've very slightly tweaked an earlier excellent message to: I’ve avoided being direct as I don’t want to appear rude but I need to be clear that we're not planning on having guests here for the foreseeable, so please don’t keep the time free. If you’re staying elsewhere we could maybe meet up for the day but it isn’t possible for you to stay here

If she still doesn't get, it's because she doesn't want to.