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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/06/2021 14:11

Contact her once more and be blunt. Then block her 😬 She clearly has a hide of a rhino.

starrynight21 · 10/06/2021 14:12

"Sorry, that wouldn't work for us"....rinse and repeat.

TurdCrapley · 10/06/2021 14:12

I'm always so baffled that people like this exist! The rudeness is off the scale. Really looking forward to hearing her reply.

roadwarrior · 10/06/2021 14:12

People like that will only ever really hear what you're saying when you are blunt. Otherwise they just keep testing the limit. You've been polite. You've tried to let her know that you can't. She's just not listening. All you can do now is say "No, you can't." End the conversation right there and avoid giving any other explanations or justifications because that just offers her another opening to keep trying. And she'll keep trying if you let her.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 10/06/2021 14:12

I expect she'll just turn up at OP's regardless.

Keep your gate locked OP.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2021 14:13

I'll bet she never put her hand in her pocket either, when she stayed the last time.

ICECream821 · 10/06/2021 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graphista · 10/06/2021 14:14

Why are you even still friends after the last time?!

Cf don't get hints or polite - because they are not!

You have to be clear and concise even blunt with them.

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

I also said about spending time as a family and she said yeah we can all go out it’ll be fun! I’ll babysit your kids one night you can have a date night!

Yea she KNOWS she is taking piss and is refusing to take no for an answer

Why are you tiptoeing around this awful person?

"No! This time is precious for our family and a visit absolutely is not going to happen. Stop asking and don't keep the time free"

And if she STILL persists then frankly tell her to bugger off!

Nobody LIKES being rude but with some it's absolutely necessary - she's one of them.

It doesn't even sound like you are true friends you're just a convenient free hotel to her

Don't suggest alternatives or say it would be nice to meet up even one day as she's going to see that as an "in"

We work in the same field which is how we were introduced. I will come across her and we have many mutual friends

You're not really friends then you're barely acquaintances. She is taking you for a mug. I wouldn't worry about how others will react either as they likely know what she's like! The friend that introduced you has she hosted her in the past? I get the feeling she was palmed off on you

Cf are easily offended but don't give a shit about inconveniencing stressing and upsetting others. The ultimate narcissists usually.

She isn't nice, she may be superficially charming but that's just so she gets her own way, she is not nice.

I think a lot of these CFers are just narcissists and will be the same across their whole lives.

Great minds!

I have a particular relative in mind and they are absolutely like this with everyone in all areas of life

If you lived somewhere shit you wouldn’t be hearing from this person at all.

Yep

She has been VERY rude to you so stop worrying about being rude back

These people they aren't stupid, they don't care about upsetting others it's all about them and what they want!

Hoping the message has worked op

AuntyFungal · 10/06/2021 14:19

^^

Looks good. Eyes up OP ;-)

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 10/06/2021 14:22

This is good do this 👏👌

LowlandLucky · 10/06/2021 14:22

Does it matter if you offend her ? She isn't a friend or a family member. She doesn't give a stuff about you and your family so just say no, it is the only way to put a stop to this now and in the future.

mrstea301 · 10/06/2021 14:22

Hopefully she'll take the hint! You're not doing anything wrong, you've been very polite! I just can't believe the audacity to invite yourself to someone's home at Christmas time!

katy1213 · 10/06/2021 14:23

Stop being a people pleaser! You don't have to please people you don't like.If she gets the hump, she is no loss to your life.

MaggieFS · 10/06/2021 14:26

Blimey. What a determined CF! Let us know what she replies.

Staffy1 · 10/06/2021 14:28

She also said when I said this that it’s fine as they’ll be in the van, they’ll only be in for the odd shower

Yeah right. She can't stay at a B&B as she can't cope with the twins on her own, but will somehow cope with them on her own in a campervan. Obviously plans to be in your house a lot more than just for showers.

corahallett · 10/06/2021 14:28

Am I the only one being reminded of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where cousin Eddie and his family pitch up on the drive in their campervan without an invite?!

Iceybirb · 10/06/2021 14:33

That's outrageous, so she doesn't just want to stay, have showers and trash your house - she also expects help with the twins?!

Faevern · 10/06/2021 14:34

I had something similar with family and the only way to deal with it was to be straight. People like this will always find a way around any other excuses you make or you will be caught out, which makes a bad situation more uncomfortable. If she can't manage the twins she is already going to use you.

You need to be sending a clear message. "Unfortunately you won't be able to visit us or stay with us. (don't give a time frame) Please don't keep your month free waiting for a last minute invite, this will leave you free to make your own plans to enjoy."

Now I know that it is hard to be so blunt, because I did it and felt so anxious. I had to stay firm and when replies such as well let us know or things may change or is there a problem? I just replied with sorry no I wont change my mind, and I didn't. You don't need to give a reason or excuse.

Any Facebook fallout will pass, any uncomfortableness will pass. The relief for me far outweighed all of that angst.

It's a strange phenomenon when we don't want to be rude or inconsiderate to people who are rude or inconsiderate to us. Ultimately if she absolutely persists you may have to resort to saying it didn't work last time so I wont be doing it again.

Honestly grit your teeth, settle your stomach and press send.

longtompot · 10/06/2021 14:37

Sorry, not rtwt but this bit stood out to me (your reply to Fuckyoucovids message)

FuckyouCovid21
Tell them to check into a B&B or something and if you can you'll meet up with them for a day but they are definitely not staying with you/at your house. Tell her that you want to spend the little time you have with your DH and children as it won't be long before he's away again - surely she'd understand that?

I said that and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)

She knows she will be in your house as soon as she's parked up. She is being the cheekiest fucker of the highest order. Be blunt, I think it's all she'll understand tbh. She can stay at a b&b or campsite to stay, not with you.

crosspelican · 10/06/2021 14:37

On tenterhooks for her reply! PeterPomegranate's suggestion was great.

Whitchurch · 10/06/2021 14:37

For the people still suggesting wording of replies - click on "see all" on Op's post and you will be able to see that she has already replied...

bellsbuss · 10/06/2021 14:38

I'm getting way too invested in this thread, best one in ages.

PussGirl · 10/06/2021 14:41

I too think she'll turn up uninvited.

Just tell her no. Tell her it was stressful last time for you all including the nanny. Tell her if she can't manage the twins she needs to find someone else to help and go on holiday with them.

Dashel · 10/06/2021 14:42

I used to get similar in our old house as it was perfect for visitors and tourism,

I used to say to a lot of people that we were fully booked for our allocation of visitors at the moment and I would let them know when that changed. I would point out that they weren’t the on,y person I had said no to and it would be unfair to other people to queue jump and we couldn’t have visitors every weekend as we had commitments of our own. I would then send them a link to a caravan park and stop mentioning meeting up.

I also wouldn’t care what she posted on Facebook as she isn’t your friend.

2bazookas · 10/06/2021 14:43

Of course she knows how her family behaved on their previous stay, and she also knows how she's behaving right now ; you have given several clear indications that they are not invited/unwelcome for a second visit and she's determined to ignore your response and force themselves on you again.

STOP STALLING. Tell her, absolutely plain

" Susan, We are not going to invite you to stay again. Just accept this is our final word, and stop asking. "

You don;t need to explain why, or discuss your reasons, or get into any further negotiations.

IF she pursues it, you reply " Susan, please don''t pester. I have already made our position clear. You can't come to stay again. "