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Original poster

How do I respond to/deal with this? CF.

733 replies

PutTheCakeDOWN · 10/06/2021 09:26

Not sure where to start really!
I was going to try and be vague and not outing but I won’t be able to explain it properly. Plus I suppose if the person sees this then problem solved maybe!?

I live in an area which is very popular for winter holidays. It’s the Cairngorms.

I have three small children, a demanding job and a husband who works offshore. Our time together when he’s home is precious.

I have a slight acquaintance/friend who I know via another friend.

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies. It was 2 weeks after Christmas, they ‘love to ski and sledge’ and I’m too nice and a people pleaser.
It was one of the worst weeks ever. They completely latched onto us, migrated into the house because it was ‘too cold’ in the van (no shit!), left mess everywhere, argued constantly, kept palming the kids off onto our nanny (who is like one of the family and who is vital because of DH being offshore) and were generally just a complete nightmare. It was so stressful.

The last few weeks I’ve had hints about them coming back this Christmas. DH has 4 weeks home and I have 3 weeks off - Christmas and the two after. This time is important to us!

She has asked when we’re free. I said we’re busy. She said ‘surely not for the whole month!?’ I’ve politely said that I can’t commit to them coming as we haven’t made plans yet but don’t want to be tied down.
She said that’s fine as we won’t even know she’s there.
She said what about a weekend? I said no sorry I can’t say that far ahead.
I said I was a bit stressed and can’t start making plans now.
She said she will just keep the whole month free as they are determined to come and have been looking forward to it since last time, so when we’re not busy just to tell her and they will set off straight away.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I am stressed and exhausted with a hundred other things.

She seems nice and I would hope she just doesn’t realise how she’s behaving but I just don’t understand how/why people carry on like this??
I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself plus 4 kids to someone’s house!

Obviously I can’t just say ‘fuck off’ as that doesn’t work in real life.

Please help!

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 10/06/2021 13:45

I'd say what you want to say, and then block her channels of communication.

You really don't want to hear from her again do you?

3luckystars · 10/06/2021 13:48

I had a similar situation but it was with a family member.
My sister told me ‘don’t lie, you MUST tell the truth or it will just happen again if they don’t understand why you are saying no’

It was the most cringe conversation I think I ever had but I had to do it.

You have to be honest, or this will happen again.

It will be 10 minutes of awfulness and then it will be sorted forever.

You could just call her and say ‘I found it stressful the last time, so I have to say no, I’m sorry’ and then say nothing else. Just be really quiet and make sure she takes it in. No matter what she comes back with, stick to the truth. No.

There is nothing mean or hurtful in that sentence. You are saying that you find it stressful. You are allowed to enjoy your own home and not be intruded upon.

Be honest is my advice, even if you are dying of embarrassment, it will all be over quickly. Good luck.

Bigtoast · 10/06/2021 13:48

@SingingInTheShithouse

Just say "NO that doesn't work for us & we are not having you stay again as it really didn't work for us last time"

Why beat around around the bush with CFs Confused

Point her to AirBnB or similar if you really feel the need, but waste no more headspace worrying about it

I think this is good, it's clear and leaves no room for arguement
NDSandG · 10/06/2021 13:49

I wouldn't reply. I'd just block her on FB along with her phone number and leave it at that. I know it will make you feel uncomfortable but sometimes you just have to do it. Good luck. I hope she won't turn up uninvited; I suppose that's the risk of not responding.

1forAll74 · 10/06/2021 13:49

I would say an outright no to all this. She has a campervan, that she can go anywhere in,and you have experienced the hassle of it being anywhere near you for a visit.. You don't have to be bogged down by her constant insistence, that she wont bother you, when you know full well that it won't be like this..

It's hard to deal with pushy people,so the only option, is to be truthful.and say that you don't want any visitors at that time,as it's very inconvenient for you and your family.

BigRedBoat · 10/06/2021 13:51

If she tries it on again I would try calling out her rudeness, something along the lines of 'look, I've tried to be nice about it but I'm finding your pushiness to come and stay at my house a bit much, I've said it doesn't work for me so can you stop hassling me about it?'

PandemicAtTheDisco · 10/06/2021 13:52

I've had to cut contact with a past CF. It was a never-ending cycle of them trying to push past boundaries and me having to be constantly vigilant and on guard against being pressured into doing what they wanted with no regard to my own wants and needs.

I think the last straw was when they were complaining to me about someone else and I completely identified with the target of their frustration. The target was completely justified in saying no to her but she had no understanding of their point of view - only that they were not giving her what she wanted. She didn't give a shit about them only what they could do for her.

picklemewalnuts · 10/06/2021 13:53

"I know you are looking for somewhere nice to visit for your holidays. Unfortunately, we have to be careful to avoid being used as everyone else's holiday home when we just want to relax and not host anyone. It's especially not fair on DH who just wants us to himself, and the nanny who already has plenty to do. I hope you find somewhere else that suits you."

FunMcCool · 10/06/2021 13:54

She just so rude. She’s being obtuse on purpose!

Funfortheroad · 10/06/2021 13:54

What an absolute cheeky cow she is! I'm like you and find it hard to stand up for myself but it's time to be brave now. You barely know this person, don't like her and can delete her off social media (and should anyway).

Be brief, firm and very unequivocal.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 10/06/2021 13:55

Tell your mutual friend to tell her to f off. She sounds awful.

FantasticButtocks · 10/06/2021 13:56

@PutTheCakeDOWN

2.5 years ago we were introduced to this friend.
2 years ago she invited herself to stay with us in her campervan with her family - 2 teenagers and twin babies.

Have just reread your op, and see that she'd only known you 6 months before she asked the first time!

Final answer could be:

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. So, just to clarify, we now only have guests here by our own invitation. Please don't ask again as it puts me in a tricky position.

unwuthering · 10/06/2021 13:57

It's like a vampire smashing relentlessly through the barricades. Gotta put a stake through her cold dead demanding heart. This one may need a silver bullet, also.

godmum56 · 10/06/2021 13:59

@unwuthering

It's like a vampire smashing relentlessly through the barricades. Gotta put a stake through her cold dead demanding heart. This one may need a silver bullet, also.
this absolutely
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2021 14:00

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

Not your responsibility.

If you have kids, you take care of them. her teenagers can look after her (now) toddlers. If they aren't coming on the holiday, she has time to devote to her little 'uns.

MustardRose · 10/06/2021 14:02

@SchadenfreudePersonified

She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids

Not your responsibility.

If you have kids, you take care of them. her teenagers can look after her (now) toddlers. If they aren't coming on the holiday, she has time to devote to her little 'uns.

Yep - she must be able to manage perfectly well at home, so she can do the same on holiday. Somewhere other than your drive.

Honestly, the brass neck of some people.

silverbubbles · 10/06/2021 14:02

Dear friend,
We have had a difficult and stressful year like everyone else and have found it really tough not seeing husband. Fortunately he has time off at christmas and I have also taken time off work so we can spend some really quality quiet time as a family re grouping. We have decided that we all need this for our mental health !!. So sorry that we can't accommodate you this year but I am sure you understand.

Job done.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2021 14:04

@MLMsuperfan

I expect she'll just turn up at OP's regardless.
This occurred to me, too.

Be prepared OP and if she does - tell her to go. NOW.

Have a shouting match in the street if necessary. Call the police. Tow her van thingy into the road. ANYTHING! - But don't let her stay!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2021 14:04

"I said that [check into a B&B] and she said that of course she can’t do that, as her partner isn’t coming and she can’t manage the twins on her own…(!)"

"She won’t stay anywhere else as she needs help with the kids"

So not only does she want free accommodation, she wants childcare as well.

For the love of all you hold dear OP, put your big girl pants on and BE AS RUDE TO HER AS SHE IS TO YOU. Or get your DH to do it when he's next onshore. Either way, this woman will not take a hint. She undoubtedly knows you don't want her to visit, but she's perfectly prepared to steamroller you to get what she wants. She is not your friend, she's just an acquaintance. Why do you care if she puts up vague 'unsupportive friends' posts on Facebook?

Cheesybiscuitsmineallmine · 10/06/2021 14:06

F

DandelionRose · 10/06/2021 14:07

Just say "Really sorry, I can't. All the best." The less you say the less she can pick apart.

Sally872 · 10/06/2021 14:08

I’ve messaged her a variation on PeterPomegranate’s message with a few other bits thrown in. We shall wait…

Well done OP. Sounds like a good response. I can't believe an acquaintance is being so pushy. And obviously wanting you and nanny to help with her kids!! That is a big ask for a best friend never mind someone you barely know. Such a CF.

Franklin12 · 10/06/2021 14:09

God some people... There are lots of great suggestions and words to use. Some people just see things from their own point of view ALL OF THE TIME.

What if you turned up at her house with the family in tow?

PollyPicket · 10/06/2021 14:10

@VivaDixie

Don't lie and say you aren't having any guests as lies always unravel.

I would have to be blunt and say no outright. She is being too forceful. Say that you have already said no and won't change your mind, as a pp said you may even have to say that you found last time too stressful.

No is a complete sentence. She is being extremely rude

This. Excuses just drag the whole thing out. Just say, sorry no. Rinse and repeat.
665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 10/06/2021 14:11

Turn it round.
"Thanks but no.
The best I can offer is to add your names to the end list of people we intend to have visit, but with such limited personal availability and so many people we haven't been able to see for ages I wont lie, its probably going to be years, if not longer before we could have you again. Perhaps we could drop in to see you if we are passing by your way?"